Statement | Clarification of One Family Policy Position in Relation to One-Parent Family Payment Reform

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Statement

One Family is very disappointed by comments made in relation to our policy work on TV3’s Tonight with Vincent Browne show on Wednesday 1 April 2015. To set the record straight, One Family does not endorse the reforms to the One Parent Family Payment (OFP) as currently being implemented by Government.

We have stated previously that changes are necessary as one-parent families are continuously those most at risk of, or living in, poverty in Ireland today which is not acceptable. We have made numerous proposals and submissions to Government on how progressive, positive changes could be made – changes that would improve the lives of lone parents and support them to build better futures for their families – and actively engaged with the Department of Social Protection on how best to achieve this. However, One Family does not endorse these reforms as currently being implemented as they will fail.

Our policies and submissions are informed by the parents we work with, those parents from around the country who participate in our Policy Panel, those who take our surveys, and those who engage with us through our askonefamily helpline and in many other ways. These include our 10 Solutions which are low or no-cost changes that Government could implement which would help in improving outcomes for people parenting alone. One Family has always been clear that badly planned and implemented reforms combined with cuts will not work to move one-parent families out of poverty.

The comments made by Deputy Joanna Tuffy on Tonight with Vincent Browne on Wednesday could be taken as an implication that One Family approves of the reforms now being enacted. This is a misrepresentation of our policy stance. While the Department has made some adaptation to its original reforms announced in Budget 2012 – with, for example, the introduction of the Job Seekers Transitional Payment (JST) which we welcomed – it is simply not enough and we have consistently highlighted this. Reform should not seek to address lone parents as a homogenous group. Changes must be informed by the reality of the lives of people parenting alone.

The real impact of these current reforms is that many thousands of parents will experience catastrophic reductions in their weekly income. Parents being moved from the OFP to JST or Job Seekers Allowance include parents currently in part-time employment. Many will now be forced to give up their part-time jobs, due to a complex and unwieldy system. This will result in even greater levels of poverty being experienced by these families. We have called for free part-time education to be made available to lone parents in acknowledgment of their caring responsibilities, for those who wish to pursue it. For those parents presently in employment and education or who wish to return to either, the biggest barrier remains the lack of availability of affordable, accessible, quality childcare. Despite promises made in the past, this issue has yet to be adequately addressed. All of this is being compounded by a serious lack of consistency and clarity of information being communicated to parents at some local social welfare/INTREO offices, creating severe uncertainty and stress for parents already struggling.

One Family presented stark evidence of the real impact of the current reforms to the Joint Oireachtas Committee on Education and Social Protection on 18 February, as did representatives of SPARK. Deputy Tuffy chairs this Committee but was not present at that time. However, we have always engaged with the Deputy and with representatives of the Department of Social Protection and will continue to do so. As our CEO Karen Kiernan stated to the Committee on closing in February: “One Family has always called for and supports the reform of the payment. The problem is that it was combined with cuts. It was never really going to work and it has not been working to date. From now on, better implementation and planning are required. There is a lot that could be done but there are many errors on the ground about which we are very concerned. We have heard about the litany of cases of people who have actually lost money. We are concerned that the payment is not working now. In order for it to work, changes are needed. I will leave it at that. Our door is wide open in terms of collaborating and assisting.” The full transcript can be read here.

We will continue to work with whomever we can. One Family’s door remains wide open to the Committee and to the Department for collaboration and assistance.

Giving Up

Parenting | 10 Ways to Cope When You Feel Like Giving Up

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Giving UpMany parents have really bad days and weeks with children and at times we can question ourselves. We can wonder if we are the right person to parent this child. Would someone else do a better job? Would our child be better off with someone else?  Sometimes parents even think about putting children into care as they are feeling so much despair. Everyone has bad days with children, days when we don’t handle situations and behaviours in ways we wish we had. Days when we want to scream and run out the door, days when we do scream and days we wish our children would run out the door!

It is normal to a certain extent to feel this way. Parenting can be very overwhelming and we are often doing it with limited sleep which reduces our coping skills. Parenting is the hardest job in the world at times, and the most unrecognised and unsupported. When doing it on your own it can be even more difficult as you don’t have someone who can take over when you feel you need a break. Even parents in a relationship can feel like they are doing it alone.

It is when these feelings start to set in that it is really important as a parent to reflect on your own self care. Usually when we feel this way there are many other things going on. We are stressed by relationships within our family and our ex partners or we are stressed about money or housing problems. Our heads are full of so many issues that all seem to be going wrong and falling apart. Then when the children start to act up, it is like that’s the final straw. Usually the children are more challenging because they know and feel that you are not present for them. They have needs which are not being met and they don’t know how to tell you about how they feel. All they know is how to act it out.

Can you put certain measures in place to help you recognise when you are starting to neglect your own care, such as:

  1. Learn to recognise your levels of stress. Take time each day to reflect on how you are feeling.
  2. Try to identify things that went well each day, no matter how small they are.
  3. Try not to give all your energy to what is going wrong. Explore who can help you, what steps can you take.
  4. Make a list of the issues you need to resolve. Try to be less critical of yourself. Name the things you are good at, focus on these.
  5. Create time to think and plan – can children go on play dates to allow this happen for you?
  6. Talk with your children about what is going on and help them to form a plan with you. Hear what it is like for them.
  7. Don’t give up. Your children need you and no one can replace you. You need to believe that you are the right person to parent your children.
  8. Join a parenting group to get support from other parents and learn new skills and knowledge which will help you understand your children.
  9. Identify your needs. Where are the gaps? You will need to be creative in finding ways to meet these needs. By parenting yourself you will be able to parent your children.
  10. Seek professional support if you feel really low. Call the askonefamily helpline to talk with someone. Talking can usually help you understand what is going wrong and what changes you can make. Seek support from your GP or contact your local social worker if you feel you need support around mental health, addiction or abuse.

Remember, there are people out there who can and want to support you to parent. Ask for the support if you can. It does not make you a poor parent if you need to get support from others. Nobody can parent on their own, being brave enough to ask for help and support is what makes you a great parent as you recognise that you and your children need help.

Free, confidential information and support is available from the askonefamily helpline on 1890 662212.

This article is part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips, and is by One Family’s Director of Children and Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly.

Coming up next week: 10 Ways to Address The Awkward Questions.

Next you might like to read: 10 Ways to Parent Self Care,  10 Ways to Parent Through Stressful Times or  10 ways to Develop Coping Skills In Your Family.

Find out more about our parenting skills programmes and parent supports. For support and information on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email support@onefamily.ie.

Awkward Questions

Parenting | 10 Ways to Deal with Those Awkward Questions

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Awkward QuestionsChildren are so inquisitive. They love information. They ask constant questions as their minds are continuously processing everything they see and hear in the world around them. Children come to their parents all the time to clarify the things they don’t really understand. As parents, we want to help our children learn and understand yet sometimes when they ask an ‘awkward question’ it is tempting to gloss over it (and maybe run for the hills and hope when we get back they will have forgotten!).

There are so many issues that parents can find difficult to discuss with their children. Depending on our own experiences and beliefs, how ‘awkward’ a question is for us as individuals can vary hugely. For many parents, those awkward questions may include: “Where do babies come from? What is sex? What is gay? Why does he have two mammies? Why don’t I have a mammy? Why don’t I have a daddy? What is homeless?” By not answering awkward questions and telling children they are ‘too young’ to know such things, we are making taboos of so many subjects that are normal in our society. Children will learn quickly not to ask us anymore, and then they will in time find other sources – perhaps unreliable sources – to answer their questions. A question will not go away until your child is satisfied with the answer they find.

This week in our ’10 Ways to’ parenting tips series, we explore some strategies that as parents we can put in place to support us in answering those awkward questions that our children send our way.

  1. Don’t try to fob a child off by changing the subject or saying they are too young. If they are old enough to ask, they are old enough to get some information.
  2. Be honest in an age appropriate way. This does not mean you wait until they are teens to tell them things (when you may be even more embarrassed). Give children little bits of information to match what they can understand as they develop. Plant the seeds and build the tree over time with them.
  3. At times a question may upset you yet this is no reason to not answer it. You may have to explain to your child that this question makes you a little sad but that you will talk with them about it. A parent absent from your child’s life is often very difficult to talk about and many parents worry that their child will feel the rejection they themselves may have experienced, but remember that children have a different relationship with and perception of an absent person in their life. They will not feel the same as you. Here we explore ways to explain an absent parent.
  4. Be factual and try not to make the information about any subject into a fairy tale. Educate your child about families and all the diverse families in our society.
  5. If you make any issue into a taboo when children are young, they will be less inclined to talk openly with you when they are older. Try to have an open relationship with your child from the first days. Once they start talking to you, start talking and sharing with them. Remember that even though it may seem a long time away now, you don’t know what choices your child will make as they grow up and you don’t want them to think that you may be unsupportive of them in the future.
  6. Just because you explain once, that probably won’t mean that you’re off the hook. Children take pieces from each and every conversation. Some bits they recall and other bits get left behind. They will ask you again so try to be patient and answer them again. Maybe you can add in additional age appropriate detail the next time.
  7. There are many excellent books out there to support parents in talking with children about almost every topic. Perhaps you can get some books in the library and introduce them during story time. Plant the seeds of knowledge and allow your child to process the information and to know they can come back to you when they need to ask more questions.
  8. If your child has wrong information or understanding, such as about who their dad is or if they have the same parents as their sibling, then correct them from the first error. With many families we work with, children are growing up with step-parents having previously had a relationship as a baby with their other biological parent who separated from the family and they may have forgotten this. Try to keep the information clear, show them photos if you have them, be open and honest or you will only create more awkward situations in the future which can lead to your child losing trust in you. Always try to build your relationship based on trust.
  9. At times your child’s other parent might object to you answering these awkward questions. Try to talk with them and help them to understand why it is important to answer your child’s questions honestly. Once you are sharing age appropriate information, then you need not worry.
  10. Seek support from service providers such as One Family if you would you like support in talking with your child about challenging situations. Once you start to talk openly with your child and believe that you are the right person to help them understand the very complex world we live in, then it will become easier for you.

This article is part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips, and is by One Family’s Director of Children and Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly.

Next you might like to read: 10 Ways to Support Your Child’s Sex Education, 10 Ways to Explain An Absent Parent or 10 Ways to Talk To Your Child About ‘Where Do I Come From’.

Find out more about our parenting skills programmes and parent supports. For support and information on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email support@onefamily.ie.