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10 Reasons why Children Misbehave and the Power of Positive Attention
One way or another children will misbehave, but understanding the reason why can give parents the opportunity to develop positive coping mechanisms to address misbehaviour and in turn develop stronger and more positive relationships with their children.
- When thinking about the reasons why children misbehave it is perhaps useful to think firstly about what misbehaviour actually is.
- A lot of behavior is more an expression of energy and enthusiasm than any desire to misbehave.
- Misbehaviour may be the expression of the need for limits to be set.
- Building healthy self-esteem requires parents to provide their children with a predictable, safe environment.
- Positive attention is an essential ingredient to raising confident, happy children
- A child who receives regular positive attention learns that they are a valuable human being and learns ‘I am a worthwhile, interesting person’.
- Attention-seeking behaviour in children arises out of very real needs and any attention is better than no attention.
- Positive attention means using positive feedback to point out to your child the things that they do well.
- Be generous with praise and encouragement when it’s due.
- When you reward your child with an incentive be sure to add a comment that causes your child to think about doing the right thing.
This article is part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips, and is by One Family’s Director of Children and Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly.
For support and information on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email support@onefamily.ie.
Parenting | Father’s Day
Many children will be looking forward to some special time with Dads, Stepdads and Granddads on Father’s Day, though it is also a day that can bring challenges. In One Family, children are at the centre of our work and we support parents to help children to have contact with both parents where possible, unless it is not safe for a child. It can, of course, often be challenging for separated parents to develop good communication in order to implement a shared parenting plan, but the positive outcomes for children are very much worth the effort that parents put in.
Successfully sharing parenting can seem difficult, especially if parents are experiencing hurt or anger. When two parents can be there for their child, we ask parents to allow each other the opportunity to parent. Children need so much love and time; they can never have too much. There is room in your child’s life for both of you. Developing a shared parenting plan may be challenging, but when you do figure it out and see how your child flourishes, you will know it is worth the effort.
For Dads parenting alone, there may not be anyone to help your child make a card or shop for a little gift. Or even to acknowledge the day at all. Why not acknowledge it for yourself? Own it for you. You don’t need someone else to tell you how great a parent you are. You do everything from braiding hair, to playing football, to helping with homework, to planning your family’s weekly meals. Acknowledge, embrace and celebrate your achievements, even through the tough times. Allow yourself a Father’s Day treat, and plan to celebrate the day with your child.
If your child’s Father has chosen not to be present in their life, or is otherwise absent, you may worry that your child is excluded from the celebrations. Or that your child may feel a little sad, and so might you. Acknowledge this for them; it is okay to feel this way. Maybe it is a day you can talk about it together with your child. Share memories, and talk with them about all the wonderful people that are in their life. Ask them what they would like to do if Dad was there, and then plan something fun to do together with your child on the day.
This year, whatever your circumstances, perhaps you can plan a day out with your child on Father’s Day? Plan for quality time together. Plan a picnic, pitch a tent in the garden, have a barbeque. Invite some friends over and have your own soccer tournament. Children just love being busy and having fun, it doesn’t have to cost much. Make some plans today to have fun and create memories, and if it is not possible to celebrate with your child this Father’s Day, perhaps you can plan to share it on a different day in the future.
Whatever you do this Father’s Day, it is a day that is about children. On Father’s Day, we encourage thought about what your child needs from you. What can you do now to support your child through life, whether this means being physically present in your child’s life on a regular basis, consideration of the financial support a child requires to help them to have what they need to grow, develop and succeed in life, or working to develop a shared parenting plan.
Father’s Day is about valuing children’s presence in our society, and looking at what we can offer them. So Dads, Mums, Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, Stepparents, Guardians, Friends – everyone is important in a child’s life and we all can help them to grow, to feel loved, and to know they are valued.
This article is by One Family’s Director of Children & Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly.
Next you may wish to read:
https://onefamily.ie/training/10-ways-to-successful-shared-parenting/
https://onefamily.ie/training/10-ways-to-explain-an-absent-parent/
https://onefamily.ie/training/10-ways-to-positively-maintain-contact/
Find out more about our parenting skills programmes and parent supports. For support and information on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or on 01 662 9212.
Press Release | Ireland’s First National Shared Parenting Survey Results Revealed
Press Release
Ireland’s First National Shared Parenting Survey Results Revealed
Over 1,000 separated parents document their positives and challenges
(Dublin, Monday 30th January 2017) Today One Family – Ireland’s organisation for people parenting alone, sharing parenting, and separating – publishes the results of its Shared Parenting Survey and accompanying policy recommendations at a launch in Dublin’s Mansion House with speakers including Dr Geoffrey Shannon, Special Rapporteur on Child Protection and Child Law Expert; Josepha Madigan TD and Family Law Solicitor; Keith Walsh, Chair of the Law Society of Ireland Family and Child Law Committee, Solicitor and mediator; and Karen Kiernan, One Family CEO. One Family has 45 years experience of working with, and representing, one-parent families and those who share parenting, and devised and conducted the survey in response to a damaging lack of awareness and services experienced by these families.
The survey response was overwhelming with 1,014 women and men who share, or have attempted to share, parenting of their children after separation documenting their sometimes harrowing, yet often positive, personal experiences. The data, gathered in July and August last year, will finally give a voice to these parents and their children, and can inform appropriate policies and services in the future.
Key findings include:
- The majority of respondents whose child does not live with them most of time, spend time with their child on a weekly basis.
- While almost 27% of respondents arranged this time amicably between them, for almost 51% it was agreed with difficulty, through mediation or court ordered.
- 62% of respondents whose child lives with them most or all of the time stated that their child’s other parent contributes financially to their child’s costs; 38% stated that the other parent does not contribute financially.
- Over 50% of respondents stated that they do not make decicions jointly on issues that impact on their child(ren).
- Over 34% of respondents have attended mediation.
Karen Kiernan, One Family CEO, comments: “Our survey highlights the positives and the challenges, and the diversity and range, of shared parenting relationships in Ireland today. It finds that parents overwhelmingly agree that their children must be their central focus, but that conflict between them often impedes this. What helped some was a commitment to the mediation process, where it was available and appropriate.” Karen continues: “Maintenance, accommodation and finances are cited many times as huge obstacles to be overcome, as were domestic violence and the family law courts system.”
Dr Geoffrey Shannon, Child Law Expert comments: “We must ensure that we hear the voices of children appropriately in family law cases as provided for in the Children’s Referendum. This will require investment in the necessary infrastructure to make sure that children who live in shared parenting families have the best possible arrangements in place.”
Keith Walsh, Chair of the Law Society of Ireland Family and Child Law Committee, comments: “Given that the Children & Family Relationships Act 2015 is now in place, bringing modernity to legislation in relation to families, we now need the infrastructure of courts to keep pace. According to One Family’s findings, over 50% of respondents stated that they believed court services needed to be improved and that family supports such as parenting programmes, counselling and mediation would assist them in sharing parenting. We badly need a court welfare system and services available to family court users to improve outcomes for parents and children, improve efficiencies in the court system and reduce repeated court visits. The new family law facility planned for Hammond Lane in Dublin must provide these support services and all stakeholders in the family law system now need to work together to ensure that the best family law system is put in place. One Family has started the dialogue and we all need to plan a better way to solve family law problems.”
Valerie Maher, One Family Policy & Programmes Manager, comments: “Our recommendations stress the urgent need for cohesive and consolidated policy and practice changes across Government Departments that will result in a reduction of child poverty in Ireland. Evidence shows that separation, shared parenting and parenting alone are associated with less income for children, yet subsequent budgets have targeted women and men in these parenting situations, with negative outcomes for children. It is time for policies and services to catch up with the realities for families in Ireland today.”
One Family’s National Shared Parenting Survey: Results & Recommendations report is available to read/download online on www.onefamily.ie and on this link:
National Shared Parenting Survey: Results & Recommendations
One Family extends its sincere gratitude to each of the 1,014 parents who responded to this survey. This report draws directly from their survey responses and directly quotes many of their comments. Their honesty and openness will help to make Ireland a better place to share parenting in the future.
Notes for Editors
- 1 in 4 families with children in Ireland is a one-parent family (Census 2011)
- Almost 1 in 5 children (18.3%) live in a one-parent family (Census 2011)
- There are over 215,000 one-parent families in Ireland today – 25.8% of all families with children (Census 2011)
- 5% of one-parent families are headed by a father (Census 2011)
- Family Relationships and Family Well-Being: A Study of the Families of Nine Year-Olds in Ireland by Tony Fahey, Patricia Keilthy and Ela Polek (2012): Shared Parenting in Lone Parent and Step Families (pg. 24) contains information on shared parenting in Ireland and can be read on www.onefamily.ie/Policy/Campaigns
About One Family
One Family was founded in 1972 as Cherish and celebrates its 45th year in 2017. It is Ireland’s leading organisation for one-parent families and people sharing parenting, or separating, offering support, information and services to all members of all one-parent families, to those sharing parenting, to those experiencing an unplanned pregnancy and to professionals working with one-parent families. Children are at the centre of One Family’s work and the organisation helps all the adults in their lives, including mums, dads, grandparents, step-parents, new partners and other siblings, offering a holistic model of specialist family support services. These services include the lo-call askonefamily national helpline on 1890 66 22 12, counselling, and provision of training courses for parents and for professionals. One Family also promotes Family Day every May, an annual celebration of the diversity of families in Ireland today (www.familyday.ie). For further information, visit www.onefamily.ie.
Available for Interview
Karen Kiernan, CEO | t: 01 662 9212 or 086 850 9191
Parents who are separated and sharing parenting.
Further Information
Shirley Chance, Director of Communications | t: 01 662 9212 or 087 414 8511
Policy | Ireland’s First National Shared Parenting Survey: Results & Recommendations
In 2016, One Family devised and conducted Ireland’s first national Shared Parenting Survey in response to a lack of public debate and narrative around shared parenting in modern Ireland. Over one thousand women and men who share parenting, or who have attempted to, responded.
The results have been analysed, and we are pleased to now publish a report entitled Ireland’s First National Shared Parenting Survey: Results & Recommendations which can be read or downloaded by clicking on the image on the left.
Key findings include:
- The majority of respondents whose child does not live with them most of time, spend time with their child on a weekly basis.
- While almost 27% of respondents arranged this time amicably between them, for almost 51% it was agreed with difficulty, through mediation or court ordered.
- 62% of respondents whose child lives with them most or all of the time stated that their child’s other parent contributes financially to their child’s costs; 38% stated that the other parent does not contribute financially.
- Just over 50% of respondents stated that they do not make decisions jointly on issues that impact on their child(ren).
- Over 34% of respondents have attended mediation.
One Family extends its sincere gratitude to each of the parents who took the time to share their personal experiences. This report draws directly from their survey responses and includes many of their comments. One Family believes that their honesty and openness will help to make Ireland a better place to share parenting in the future.
