Note: The term ‘absent parent’ refers to a parent whom a child has never met or has had very little contact with. This is different to a ‘non-resident parent’, ‘non-primary’ or ‘secondary carer’, or when parents co-parent/share parenting of their child. 

Children can grow up perfectly happily and successfully in a one-parent family. What they need are quality relationships with people in their life who like to spend quality time with them, people who understand them and who can support their needs. Once you can love your child and support them, they will and can be very happy and confident in their family form.

People find themselves parenting alone through a variety of circumstances. It is natural that children will become curious about their other parent and start to ask questions about them as they grow.

This can be very difficult to deal with as a parent, especially if processing our own feelings of hurt, rejection, anger or grief. What is most important is to be prepared for questions, to be consistent, honest and straightforward, in an age-appropriate manner.

Read our top tips for helpful guidance on how to explain an absent or missing parent to your child or children.

Tips

• • Starting school or crèche can be a trigger: children will usually start to ask about their absent parent once they start school and start to notice that many children have two parents. Questions can increase as they grow, especially if they are working on family trees projects in school. So try to be prepared in advance of this.

• • Be brave, be honest: Tell them that yes, they have two parents. Then start to tell them a little about the other parent.

• • Framing it: You can tell them that the other parent was not yet ready to be a parent, perhaps that they were scared and choose not to do it, or whatever is a truthful and age-appropriate response to explaining their absence. Reassure them that they have you and you are 100% committed to being their parent and to loving and supporting them and that will never change.

• • Simple, Honest, Consistent: There is no value in painting a negative picture of the parent who is absent for many reasons and young children don’t need negative information. Keep it simple and give the basic information that they need for now. Try to answer each question they have, without providing additional information. Children process things and then might come back to ask further information. Overwhelming them with all the information isn’t helpful. So if they ask “Do I have two parents”, answer “Yes, you do” and then answer any further questions they have. Often children just need basic information. They simply need to be able to say to other children, for example, “Yes, I have a daddy and his name is Jack.” Children are curious by nature so support them with this.

• • Creating connection: When the time is right, talk about any similarities the child might have to the other parent. Take out any photographs you have of the other parent or photos with both parents together, if applicable. Talk with your child about when you and their other parent loved each other or really liked each other (if that is the situation) and that you both made the child together. You can create a ‘shoe box parent’ for the child. This is a box where you can place anything which has a story about the child’s other parent. This could be photos, pictures you make together of what the parent looks like, what he or she liked to do or eat, or places you visited with them. Talk with the child about any contact the other parent had with them and make it positive for them. When children grow up they will know the full story but for now, keep it simple. Children need to identify with both parents.

• • Consider contact: Give some thought to making contact with an absent parent, if it is safe to do so. Allow the other parent an opportunity to explore some form of contact. If this can’t happen, then work with your child to help them understand that maybe the other parent will be ready to be a parent some day. Often when children are very keen to meet an absent parent, it is because they feel this parent will meet a currently unmet need. This often turns out not to be the case. Help your child to identify their needs so you can try to meet them. Think about contact with extended family members of the other parent if you feel it is helpful for the child. Just because a person may not want to be a parent, that may not be the same for their family members. If possible, enable grandparents or other family members an opportunity to engage with their grandchild.

• • Be Open: Always allow children to ask you many questions and talk with you. Expect that every three years or so, another round of questions will come. Be patient with your child and give them permission to talk about the absent parent and ask any questions. The more comfortable you are having the conversation, the more comfortable they will be in talking to you or confiding in you about their questions and thoughts. This can take some practice, so think or even speak-out conversations, to prepare yourself for how they might go.

• • Mind Yourself: Recognise that it may feel hard to talk to your child about this and go gently on yourself. Be brave when you need to, take a deep breath and do it, and then get support for yourself afterwards. Remember that your relationship with the other parent and what you experienced is not what your child has experienced. Most children do not feel rejected by not knowing an absent parent, it is we as the parents who feel rejection.

• • Get Support: If you regularly find it difficult to talk about the other parent, it’s okay to get support. Many people don’t deal with the hurt and pain of the past and find that it re-surfaces in conversations or situations with their children. Many of us benefit from professional support at some point, to let go of emotions or hurt and to move into a more positive space. This can bring great positivity for you and your child. One Family offer a variety of family supports that may be useful.

• • Dealing With Complex Relationships: If you became pregnant or a lone parent through an abusive experience or relationship, ensure you get support to deal with this. You can still support your child to have a positive healthy childhood, even if the history has complexity. Children don’t need to know the circumstances of how they came to be. Talk with them about who is in their life and how much they are loved. You can explore with them what they imagine life would be like with two parents and help them further explore the negatives and positives of that life. Talk with them about how wonderful that vision is for them. Don’t try to corrode it by being negative. Tell them that you are glad they shared that with you. You can’t make it different, so just be the best parent you can be for your child.

Further Support

We provide limited direct support to both parents and children of one-parent families. This support can be requested directly by parents, for themselves or their child, and by professionals who work with one-parent families. You can find out more about this support here.

Helpline

Our askonefamily helpline is open 10am – 3pm, Monday – Friday. We provide detailed, confidential information on social-welfare entitlements and finances, family law, housing, education, childcare and parenting.We also offer a listening-support service for people who need help parenting alone, sharing parenting or separating.

You can call the askonefamily helpline on 0818 662 212 or 01 662 9212, or email your query to helpline@onefamily.ie.