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Parenting | Talking to young children about death

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loving-1207568_1920We want to protect our children from hurt and trauma in life but death is as much a part of life as living is. In order to prepare children for life we must prepare and support them to understand and feel comfortable with death. This week, we offer ’10 ways’ to approach the subject of death and ways to support your child when they experience loss:

  1. Dealing with the loss of a pet, such as a goldfish, can be a way to introduce coping mechanisms. Have a light-hearted ceremony of some kind to remember the happy smiles the goldfish brought to the family. Children will handle this in many different ways: some will be fascinated with the science attached to it while others could be in tears for a week.
  2. In the case of a family bereavement, remember that the child has also experienced a loss. They may realise, for the first time, that we do not have everything in our lives forever. They will need support to understand how they are feeling. They may have a very great sense of sadness and loneliness over the loss and it may be the first time they have had this feeling. It is important to reassure them that this is normal and that it will pass.
  3. It is important to nurture them and give them comfort and solace. They will have questions for a long time and this is natural. We all have questions when someone dies. With your support children can cope with death and understand what has happened
  4. It is really important to allow children to experience a family bereavement. They should be included in what is happening to the family. If you try to totally shield your child from the loss they will sense that something has happened and be left with a very worried, empty, anxious feeling. Hiding the truth or excluding your child can cause a break in trust between you and your child.
  5. Allow your child to see that you are upset too. Children will be more confused if you tell them that you are okay when they know that you are not. Remember, children observe everything. Tell them that you feel sad about what has happened. Reassure them that it is okay for everyone to be really sad and that in time things will change again.
  6. Allow your child see the person who has died if they were close to them. Arrange a time when it is quiet for them to come and view the body. This will help your child to understand the permanent nature of death. While they might be initially afraid of the stillness of the body, they will remember that they loved this person dearly. Reassure your child that they are not really there any longer so they won’t be lonely, scared and lost in the box, as some children imagine they are. Telling children that someone has gone to sleep or gone to the sky is almost impossible for a child to understand. You can talk with your child about the spirit of the person if you wish and if this is something you believe but you must be careful that they are able to understand the concept.
  7. The funeral can really support your child to say goodbye just like it allows others to say goodbye. You may also need to do more than this with your child depending on whom it is that died. You can then have a special day each year with them where they decide how best they want to celebrate this person’s memory.
  8. Encourage your child to talk openly about the person who has died. It may take at least six months to recover from the initial shock and up to three years to accept that life is now different but that life will, and does, go on. If you feel after six months that your child is not coping very well with the death then it may be time to seek professional support such as Rainbows Ireland.  They offer free bereavement support for children and young people throughout Ireland.
  9. It can be helpful to create a special book, with pictures and memories of your departed loved, to help your children to remember them.
  10. It is really important that you as a parent seek support if you need to. You won’t be able to support your child if you neglect your own needs. It is very hard to cope with grief so don’t be shy about asking for help.

This article is part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips, and is by One Family’s Director of Children and Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly.

For support and advice on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email support@onefamily.ie.

 

 

Training | New Professional Development Workshops in Sligo and Limerick

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One Family is pleased to announce two new half-day workshops for professionals who work with families, parents and/or children:

1. Supporting Families in Conflict-Reducing Communication.

This workshop explores how to build skills to support parents in practicing clear and direct communication in relation to common family dilemmas; using a non-violent communication framework; identifying communications styles; understanding the connection between needs and choices of behaviour; exploring the benefits and disadvantages of conflict within relationships and families; and more. Workshop places will be limited to twenty people, as they will be facilitated in a participatory workshop style, which actively engages participants.

2. Supporting Separating Parents to Successfully Share Parenting.

This solution-focussed workshop will explore ways in which parents can be supported to talk with children about family change after a separation. It will enable professionals working with parents to support them in identifying the sometimes competing needs that are priorities for parents and children during the process of separation. It will explore behaviours a child may exhibit when needs are not met during a period of emotional transition, and support practitioners with the language to help parents talk with children about the concerns they have during separation. The workshop will explore moving on after separation, and what shared parenting really means. It will equip practitioners with knowledge of parenting plans which can hugely support parents to develop and agree a way forward to parent positively. It will also explore some myths of shared parenting, and examine the advantages of shared parenting for parents and children.

commsOne Family has provided specialist family support services to diverse families since 1972 and understands the needs of professionals working with one-parent families, people who share parenting, and those experiencing separation. If you are a family support worker, social worker, youth worker, family therapist, educator, drugs project worker or counsellor, or deliver parenting/family supports and courses, our professional development programmes will help you to build on your skills, knowledge and approach.

Facilitated by Geraldine Kelly, our Director of Children & Parenting Services, Supporting Families in Conflict-Reducing Communication is booking now for Sligo on 29 November and Supporting Separating Parents to Successfully Share Parenting is booking now for Limerick on 2 December.

Registration details and further information can be found here.

Parenting | Accepting teen relationships

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couple-690765_1280As children mature into teenagers, innocent childhood crushes on school-friends can give way to more serious romantic interest. By the time your child reaches secondary school, you can support them with dating. It is better as a parent to support this than to forbid them and have your child sneak behind your back.  Allow your child the comfort of being honest with you as they develop during this stage.

We offer advice on supporting your child through teenage dating:

  1. As children progress through their teenage years, the innocent dates will grow into relationships and become more serious. Talk about responsible behaviour and respect for themselves and the other person. Agree on dating rules.
  2. When you want to broach the subject of sexual relationships the conversation should start with the notion of responsible behaviour. Some parents feel strongly that if you talk to your teen about sex then you are encouraging them to be sexually active. This is by no means true. Don’t pretend that if you don’t talk to them about sex that they will remain inactive.
  3. Once your child reaches the teen years it is important to talk to them about contraception. You may wish to take your daughter to your family GP. You can visit the GP first and then allow your daughter go in alone while you sit outside the door and give her the opportunity to take responsibility for her actions and personal care. For the boys, ensure they understand about contraception. Support them to buy male contraception and ensure they know how to use them (there is no age restriction on the purchase of condoms). Ensure they know that they are responsible for their actions and should never expect another person to keep them safe. Each young person must know that they have to take steps to keep themselves safe when they decide to become sexually active.
  4. If you have this talk with your teen at an early age, it doesn’t mean they will become sexually active earlier but waiting until they are past 16-years-old is not wise. Be brave, you are teaching your child to be responsible. It is a part of parenting that so many parents turn a blind eye to. Relationships are a natural part of life and when teens are educated properly about them and about their own bodies they are less likely to disrespect themselves.
  5. Ensure your teen knows that they have control over when they choose to have an intimate relationship. Peer pressure can seem a heavy burden at this age. It can seem that everyone is experimenting but often this is not the case. Help your teen to be feel confident in many areas of life and to value themselves so they can decide what is right for them and not take any steps that they are uncomfortable with.
  6. The other area that is becoming more concerning in teen relationships is abuse. Teens need to know and recognise the signs of control and abuse. Just because they are in a relationship doesn’t mean they should lose their identity. Support your teen to have a voice and also to treat others with respect. Watch their relationships closely and talk with your teen if you notice that their treatment of their partner is not as it should be. Relationship abuse can start in teen relationships and parents need to be aware of this. (Women’s Aid have been working to highlight the issue of abusive dating relationships. Teenage boys in abusive relationships can get support from Amen.)
  7. For many parents there may be extra worries if they think that their teen could be gay, lesbian or bisexual. Parents can feel really anxious and don’t know how to handle this information. The most important thing to remember is that you love your child no matter what. If your child has come to tell  you this then they must feel safe in their relationship with you. It is important not to destroy this now. They need you more than ever as they go through a very challenging time in their life. Belongto offer supports for LGBT young people and their parents.
  8. You want your child to be happy and safe and to find their way in the world. We all want our child to find the easy path in life but that is not always possible. If we can love our children unconditionally they will have the support they need to find their path.  If we can find time to listen to them, to talk to them, and try to understand them, then we will be more confident that they will find their way.

This article is part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips, and is by One Family’s Director of Children and Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly.

Find out more about our parenting skills programmes and parent supports. For support and information on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email support@onefamily.ie

 

Parenting | How to answer the awkward questions?

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kids-1508121_1280Children are inquisitive. They love information. They ask constant questions because their minds are continuously processing everything they see and hear. Children come to their parents all the time to clarify the things they don’t really understand. As parents, we want to help our children learn and understand yet sometimes when they ask an ‘awkward question’ it is tempting to gloss over it.

There are so many issues that parents can find difficult to discuss with their children. Depending on our own experiences and beliefs, how ‘awkward’ a question is for us as individuals can vary hugely. For many parents, those awkward questions may include: “Where do babies come from? What is sex? What does gay mean? Why does he have two mammies? Why don’t I have a mammy? Why don’t I have a daddy? Why are some people homeless?”.

This week we offer ’10 ways to’ support us in answering those awkward questions:

  1. Don’t try to fob a child off by changing the subject or saying they are too young. If they are old enough to ask, they are old enough to get some information. By not answering awkward questions and telling children they are ‘too young’ to know such things, we are making taboos of so many subjects that are normal in our society. Children will learn quickly not to ask us anymore, and they may find other, perhaps unreliable, sources to answer their questions. A question will not go away until your child is satisfied with the answer they find.
  2. Be honest in an age appropriate way. This does not mean you wait until they are teens to tell them details (when you may be even more embarrassed). Give children little bits of information to match what they can understand as they develop. Plant the seeds and build the tree over time with them.
  3. At times a question may upset you yet this is no reason to not answer it. You may have to explain to your child that this question makes you a little sad but that you will talk with them about it. A parent absent from your child’s life is often very difficult to talk about and many parents worry that their child will feel the rejection they themselves may have experienced. But remember that children have a different relationship with and perception of an absent person in their life. They will not feel the same as you. Here we explore ways to explain an absent parent.
  4. Be factual and try not to make the information about any subject into a fairy tale. Educate your child about families and all the diverse families in our society.
  5. Try to have an open relationship with your child from the first days. Once they start talking to you, start talking and sharing with them. Remember, even though it may seem a long time away now, you don’t know what choices your child will make as they grow up and you don’t want them to think that you may be unsupportive of them in the future.
  6. Just because you explain once, that probably won’t mean that you’re off the hook. Children take pieces from each and every conversation. Some bits they recall and other bits get left behind. They will ask you again so try to be patient and answer them again. Maybe you can add in additional age appropriate detail the next time.
  7. There are many excellent books out there to support parents in talking with children about almost every topic. Perhaps you can get some books in the library and introduce them during story time.
  8. If your child has wrong information or understanding then correct them from the first error. Try to keep the information clear. Be open and honest or you will only create more awkward situations in the future. Always try to build your relationship based on trust.
  9. At times your child’s other parent might object to you answering these awkward questions. Try to talk with them and help them to understand why it is important to answer your child’s questions honestly. Provided you are sharing age appropriate information then you need not worry.
  10. Seek support from service providers such as One Family if you would you like support in talking with your child about challenging situations. Once you start to talk openly with your child and believe that you are the right person to help them understand the very complex world we live in then it will become easier for you.

This article is part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips, and is by One Family’s Director of Children and Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly.

Next week we talk about teen relationships and sexuality.

Find out more about our parenting skills programmes and parent supports. For support and information on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email support@onefamily.ie.

 

Parenting | Recognising and dealing with stress

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people-1492052_1920Many parents would describe themselves as busy but do not recognise when they are stressed. Recently I have wondered if parents are more stressed than they realise. The logistics of keeping our children’s lives running smoothly is very stressful. Added stress can come with parenting alone or sharing parenting and being a working parenting can pile on even more stress. In these circumstances it would be impossible not to feel stressed.

In order to cope we often convince ourselves that we are just busy. Some of us can cope better with stress but others may hide it well. If you fail to address the issues causing you stress, problems can arise with your health, your relationships, your well-being, your friendships, your social life, or the most importantly of all, your relationship with our children.

Here are some tips to help us recognise and manage stress in today’s hectic world:

  1. Some leading psychologists such as Dr Tony Humphreys would believe that all illness makes sense. That every little illness from a sore eye to cancer is our body telling us something. If we ignore the early warning signs then illness can come as a way to make us stand up and notice. It usually stops us in our tracks and forces us to take time off. As parents we are very conscious of looking after our children’s health but what do we do when we are feeling unwell? We battle through it. It is important not to ignore even the most subtle symptoms and signals.
  2. Finding ways to take time out as a parent is very difficult especially when parenting alone. As a parent told me recently, the favours are all used up for childcare in order to go to work, so how do you get time off to just take a break? It is crucial to find ways to have time off even if this is one hour a week or an afternoon a month. Find support from other parents. All parents are feeling the same way. Use play dates to your advantage to get some space to yourself and when you do, do not clean the house. Sit down, relax, rest. The housework will always be there.
  3. Talking to someone is really helpful in managing stress. Talking with other parents can be really beneficial as you will find that they are experiencing similar stresses to you. Look in your community and see if there are any groups you can join. It doesn’t have to be parenting, it can be any group that allows you an opportunity to meet other adults and chat when the children aren’t around.
  4. Find time at home with your children to just relax. Children can be involved in so many activities after school and during the week, so take time to sit together as family. Watch a movie or play a game and just relax the old fashioned way. Children really enjoy having pyjama days with parents, just staying in, sitting on the sofa and talking with each other. So much good can come from a day like this. Why not have a pyjama day once a month?
  5. Treat yourself now and again. Finding ways to value what you need is really crucial to good self care. Poor self care can affect your confidence and once your confidence is affected your parenting will be affected. Be aware of how you are feeling. Check the emotional thermometer on a daily basis and respond to it. You deserve the same level of care as you give to your children. Let your children see that you deserve care and respect too.
  6. Ask yourself why you are doing so much. If your child is happy to spend more time with their other parent (and this is workable) explore this as an option. Can you accept or ask for more support? Maybe there are some practical things your child’s other parent can do to help out. If this is not an option, explore the lifestyle you have created for yourself and your child. Is it necessary to be so busy? Is there any way to cut some things out so you have more breathing space?
  7. If you feel you have reached a stage whereby you are worried you cannot cope any longer it is advisable to seek professional support. You can see a counsellor, a parent mentor or your GP for advice and support. You can also call One Family’s Helpline for support, askonefamily on 01 662 9212 or lo-call 1890 662212.

This article is by One Family’s Director of Children & Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly, as part of our weekly series of parenting tips. You can read more tips here.

Find out more about our parenting skills programmes and parent supports.

Join the One Family Parenting Group online here