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Parenting | 10 Ways to Settle Back into the School Routine

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back to school Settling back into the school routine can be very challenging. When you are parenting school age children, the best way to make a plan is to do it together with your children. Whether is it September or another time of the year, here are some tips to support you.

  1. Call a family meeting. If you have not tried this before try not be skeptical as it can be very effective. By bringing the whole family together you are making a statement – This is our family and our issue to resolve together, which is a really good principle to parent by. If you need extra advice on how to do this, read our ’10 ways to’ run a family meeting. 
  2. When you have all the family in one place then make your statement – School is back on, how can we ensure a good term ahead for everyone?
  3. Ask each person to say what they need in the next term. You should expect various responses, from ‘no nagging’, to ‘not wanting homework’ to needing ‘time out with friends’. This is normal, take note of all suggestions.
  4. Once you have a list of what everyone needs, then you can start to explore if and how these needs can be met.
  5. If you have older children, maybe they can offer to help meet the needs of younger children. Such as supporting them with homework.
  6. Be sure to name your needs and be reasonable. Try to keep them very specific, e.g. “I need to know homework is done every day. “I need everyone in bed at a reasonable time.” “I need everyone to take a level of responsibility around getting ready for school in the mornings.”
  7. Agree what each person can do for themselves. “Everyone has their own alarm clock.” “Everyone makes their own sandwiches, once they are over about 7 years old. Your job is to provide the food, agree what needs to be available, but you do not have to be responsible for filling the boxes.
  8. Once you have agreed on the key principles of what everyone needs to do, allow some space and variation in how each person achieves them. If you have older children and teenagers try not to schedule every minute for them. Allow them choose when homework will be done. It is their homework. Allow them some choice around free time after school before homework starts. Allow them to choose when they eat. You can prepare dinner, but is it reasonable to expect everyone to eat at the same time? You can also agree on family time and when you schedule some time together as a family.
  9. If we try to control everything our children do, we are just setting ourselves up for failure – along with exhaustion! As parents, it is important we remember that our role is to prepare children for life. Allowing them to make choices and have some control is part of this process. If your child is never allowed to plan their own time and make reasonable choices, how will they learn? How will you know what they are capable of?
  10. Look after yourself well. In order to parent our children effectively, we must learn to parent ourselves. Take time out for you. Be creative in how you can get this time. You will have thought of many of your own needs during this process and your children are not responsible for meeting them. You need to find ways to meet them yourself. In this way you will have the patience and energy to listen, understand and engage in positive ways with your children.

This ’10 Ways to’ article is by One Family’s Director of Children & Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly, as part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips. You can read the full series here.

Next you might like to read: 10 Ways to manage Homework With Primary School Children 

LIVE Facebook Q&A with Geraldine on this topic Monday 7 September from 11am-12pm in our NEW One Family Parenting Group which is a closed Facebook group (meaning that only members can read posts) that anyone can join. Post your questions and share your experiences.

Find out more about our parenting skills programmes and parent supports. For support and information on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email support@onefamily.ie.

Parenting | 10 Ways to Prepare Your Child for Preschool

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ABCAs summer winds down, we are thinking about school again. For parents with young children, this means looking into preschools for your children. Sending your child to preschool for the first time is a big step in both your and your child’s life, and it is important to make sure both of you are prepared to take that step. There are many ways to see if your child is ready for preschool, and in this week’s edition of our ’10 Ways to’ parenting tips series, we look at ways to prepare your child for preschool.

  1. Sit back and look at how much your child has grown in the past 3 years. Ask yourself if you are fully supporting them to be more responsible, allowing them make choices and have more control over what they want and how they do things.
  2. Ensure your child is toilet trained, and able to manage in the toilet unaided.
  3. Ensure your child can use a spoon to feed themselves, that they can recognise their belongings, get out their lunch and tidy away by themself.
  4. Support your child to learn the rules of friendship, taking turns, sharing, asking for what they want and being inclusive of all children.
  5. Play school with them at home. Help them act out any fears around school, and through role play help them understand what will be expected of them in preschool.
  6. Explore with them how they need to behave in preschool and what will happen if they misbehave.
  7. Talk with them about the other children who will be there, and how they will be very friendly with some though may not really like some children. Encourage them to have time for everyone and to aim to be friendly with all the children.
  8. Visit the preschool in advance. Understand the policies and procedures in advance as a parent, and help your child know what their day will look like in preschool. There are great differences between many preschools.
  9. Keep preschool fresh in your child’s mind in the weeks leading up to them starting. Help them be confident by preparing them well and encouraging them to practice at home by asking questions and resolving small disputes in a positive manner
  10. Don’t put any pressure on your child. It is not university, so relax about whether they know their colours and numbers. They will learn if they are happy and feel supported to do so.

This ’10 Ways to’ article is by One Family’s Director of Children & Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly, as part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips. You can read the full series here.

Next you might like to read: 10 Ways to manage Homework With Primary School Children 

LIVE Facebook Q&A with Geraldine on this topic Tuesday 1 September from 11am-12pm in our NEW One Family Parenting Group which is a closed Facebook group (meaning that only members can read posts) that anyone can join. Post your questions and share your experiences.

Find out more about our parenting skills programmes and parent supports. For support and information on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email support@onefamily.ie.

Shared Parenting

Parenting | 10 Ways to Do Your Best When Sharing Parenting

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Shared Parenting How do you know what is best for your child when you are sharing parenting?

  1. One Family supports children to have contact with both of their parents if it is safe for them to do so. We know it can be very challenging but often for children it can benefit them greatly to know they have two parents who can and want to care for them.
  2. What age children stay over with the contact parent from raises great debate for the families we work with. The best way to judge this is to look at the relationship your child has with their other parent. Has the other parent lived with them since birth? Are they familiar with the other parent getting them ready for bed and bathing them? Is your child emotionally attached to the other parent? If the answer is generally yes, then most likely your child will do well on sleepovers, once they settle into a routine with the other parent.
  3. If you have a new born, it is often felt that for the baby it can cause great anxiety if they are separated from a main caregiver. Mums are hugely important in this stage of development. That is not to take from the value of the father’s role, but separation anxiety at this young age can have lasting impacts on children.
  4. For children who are of school age, toilet trained, talking and able to express themselves to some extent, overnights can work out fine. Often they are anxious about the parent they leave behind. It is important to let your child know that you support them to have a relationship with both of their parents. Assure them that you are fine when they are not at home and that you will look forward to seeing them when they come back.
  5. Older children (12+) need to have a voice around contact plans. At this stage of development they are keen to spend time with friends and social gatherings. Not wanting to go on contact is nothing to do with either parent usually; it is more often about your young teen wanting to have their needs met. Allow young teens some space to voice their needs and support good contact around this. At this age, it is all about making ‘dates’ to see your children.
  6. Flexibility is the key to good shared parenting. Although you may have a clear plan detailing contact arrangements, children will change over time. Even if a child is unwell or something happens in school or in the family, this can affect how they feel about contact on any given day or week. Try not to get upset if your child doesn’t want to go on contact sometimes. It can, of course, be very hard not to see your child, but maybe the plans can be adjusted – a shorter visit such as just going for something to eat or, if your relationship is stable enough, inviting the other parent to come along for an hour.
  7. Try not to see contact as your time with your child, but your child’s time with you. Any contact is better than no contact, unless it is not safe for children. The quality of interaction with your child is what makes the difference in a good parent-child relationship.
  8. Be flexible with the other parent. Allow things to be a little free. Children will have family events and occasions with friends that they don’t want to miss. Try not to cause your child to miss out on things that are important to them, because you want to own the contact time.
  9. It is very important that both parents are on time for contact – both dropping off and collecting. However, things can and do happen. Try to remain calm and not to see this as an insult to you, as often nothing is meant by it. Encourage the other parent to keep to clearly agreed times so that you and your children are not anxiously waiting.
  10. Build up contact slowly for children. Start off with short stays and fun things and then move more into normal parenting things in the home. Increase the time slowly until you have reached a schedule that works well for the child and the parents. Be open to allowing your child good contact. It can be very hard to part from your child at any time, but try to believe the other parent loves them too and trust that they will care for the child as well as you do in their own way.

Next you might like to read: 10 Ways to Positively Maintain Contact or 10 Ways to Successful Shared Parenting

LIVE Facebook Q&A with Geraldine on this topic or any parenting issue on Tuesday 25 August at 5.45pm in our NEW One Family Parenting Group which is a closed Facebook group (meaning that only members can read posts) that anyone can join. Post your questions and share your experiences.

This ’10 Ways to’ article is by One Family’s Director of Children & Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly, as part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips. You can read the full series here.

Find out more about our parenting skills programmes and parent supports. For support and information on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email support@onefamily.ie.

Toddler Tantrum

Parenting | 10 Ways to Cope With Toddler Tantrums

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Toddler Tantrum A toddler’s life is full of wonder and awe. Many toddlers are fearless explorers and just want freedom to do things for themselves. For someone so young they can be very sure of what they want and making plans on how to get it. For parents the wonder is usually how they are still alive at the end of everyday with the things you catch them doing or trying to do – Jumping off steps and window ledges, climbing trees, eating dirt, scaling shelves, dancing on the kitchen table and drinking from the toilet are just some of the many daily behaviours of a toddler.

How can we avoid the battle of wills and allow our toddlers some freedom and still kiss them goodnight safely tucked up in bed? It is hard, but not impossible. Allowing children of this age freedom to explore is very challenging for parents. Our job is to keep them safe, but preventing them from doing things can cause even greater challenges in the form of tantrums – a fight for independence!

  1. The first step is to know that your child is keen to explore, they want to try things for themselves. We won’t know what they are capable of unless we let them try. They won’t know what they are capable of unless you allow them to try. Confident children are those who have been allowed to try, try and try again.
  2. Stay calm when you see your toddler climbing a tree in the back garden. Admire their ability and determination to succeed. Try coming close, saying nothing and watching them. Know that you are ready to catch them if they fall or to offer admiration when they succeed. Shouting in their direction may scare them and cause a fall. Supporting them to explore helps to develop their confidence and competency.
  3. The question is how you can allow them climb safely. What can you construct in your garden to keep them safe and allow them climb. Our fear comes out of safety for the child. So if you can create safety then you don’t have to be so fearful.
  4. Watch them grow. At times we forget we are parenting a child – someone who is growing stronger everyday and more capable every day. We forget to grow with them. Reflect on how much you do for your child that really they are capable of doing for themselves. How many parents are still spoon feeding a 2 year old, how many have 2 year olds in cots? What are you really doing for your child in this case?
  5. For toddlers you have to be able to allow them grow. Give them opportunities to do things for themselves – give them the spoon, it will be a longer and messier process, but it will pay off in the end. Responsibilities enable children to become more capable and most importantly develop their self esteem.
  6. Allow your toddler to make choices. You may think that asking a 2 year old what they want to wear or eat is looking for trouble or plain silly. However, when you offer a choice you will learn very quickly that they know exactly what they want. Offer small choices, such as this tracksuit or these jeans, not the whole wardrobe. Ask them would they like yogurt or fruit, milk or water. By starting at an early age you are telling your child that you know they are they have power within the family and that their voice is valued in this home. If you wait until they are older you may have many challenges along the way and it can be very difficult to change long learned behaviours.
  7. Manage your stress. Often when parents are feeling very stressed about work, life, relationships and the responsibility of parenting it can cause us to parent in ways we had hoped not to. Become aware of the triggers and try not to let it influence your parenting. We usually parent in a less democratic way when you are stressed. Identifying stressors and putting measures in place to deal with them helps to notice that you don’t get as flustered or overwhelmed.
  8. Try to say ‘yes’ to toddlers instead of a stream of ‘no’. Think about how often you say No to your toddler and then explore ways in which you can give more Yes answers to them. This is not about toddlers getting their own way, but there is only so much they can understand, so allowing them to do more things can be the best way for them to learn about the world.
  9. Have some fun. When you have a toddler you will most likely have survived at least two years of parenting. You had wished for the day they could walk and talk. Your child will not be a toddler for long, so treasure this time. If you can put yourself in their shoes it will help you see that they just want to explore the world.
  10. Remember. Toddlers are not aiming to drive parents wild; we do that to ourselves. If we allow them the space they need to grow soon they will have passed another stage with great success and you will start to see the real character of your child. This character is formed at toddler stage, so trying to stop areas developing usually will not work; it is more about sanding off the rough edges and giving them guidance.

Next you might like to read: 10 Ways to Parent Through Stressful Times

LIVE Facebook Q&A with Geraldine on this topic Tuesday 18 August from 11am-12pm in our NEW One Family Parenting Group which is a closed Facebook group (meaning that only members can read posts) that anyone can join. Post your questions and share your experiences.

Find out more about our parenting skills programmes and parent supports. For support and information on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email support@onefamily.ie.

This ’10 Ways to’ article is by One Family’s Director of Children & Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly, as part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips. You can read the full series here.

Father&daughter on beach

Parenting | 10 Ways to Talk About An Absent Parent (4-8 years)

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Father&daughter on beachWhen children start school, it usually becomes more obvious to them that many children have two parents. Not of course always in the same home, but present to some extent in their lives. Therefore, children may start to ask questions about their own parents. For children in Catholic schools, the First Holy Communion preparation often encourages children to explore family trees and this can be the first time it becomes obvious to them that one of their parents is not a part of their life.

Here are our suggestions on how you can start to talk to your child (aged 4-8 years) about their other parent:

  1. The first step is creating a nice space for you and your child to talk without interruption. There are lots of books written on this topic – a list is available from One Family, which you can use to read to your child to introduce the topic. When you are reading about the giraffe that has no daddy, or the penguin that has no mammy, you can then start to relate this to your own child.
  2. Tell your child that they do have another parent. Tell them a little about them at first. Show your child a photograph of their other parent, if you have one. You can tell them you were tidying up and came upon it.
  3. Talk with your child about the day you found out you were pregnant, or that they were going to be born. Tell them a positive story about how you felt. You can then also tell them a little bit about how their other parent felt. Maybe they were scared to become a parent as they knew it was such an important job, they worried they would not be good at it. Tell them that you said ‘I can do it’ and took on this wonderful adventure with your child.
  4. Sometimes at this age, children will not ask that many in-depth questions. They may be happy with some basic facts and just move on, they may not even seem that interested. That is fine, but don’t use it as an excuse to bury the issue.
  5. Once you start talking about the other parent, stay brave and keep talking. You don’t have to talk everyday but now and again, drop in comments about the other parent. Tell the child something about the other parent that the child might like to know. Try to keep the information positive.
  6. When you don’t talk about the other parent, you may think that is good, you are not saying anything bad about them; but saying nothing about the ‘elephant in the room’ sends a negative message to children. Talking is key!
  7. If your child is curious or feels sad that their other parent is not involved, talk with them some more. Tell them about your relationship with the other parent. Tell them about things you did together and the fun you had, maybe you can do some of those things with your child.
  8. Create a shoe box parent. Many children don’t need to have the parent physically present, but they do want to have something that represents them. You can use this using an old shoe box. Tell them to decorate the box and then give them a picture of the other parent to put in it. Draw pictures with them that represent stories you have told them about the other parent. Give them bits to put in the box such as a small ball if the other parent loved football or something from the team they supported. A shell if you enjoyed going to the seaside. Pictures of food they liked to eat. It can be anything but there must be a story attached to it. When they want to feel close to the other parent or they need space to think about their family form, they can go and sit with the box, the stories inside it will comfort them and allow them to, in some way, spend time with this person.
  9. Be honest as much as you can with children. Be positive too. Children do not need to know the story of your relationship as a couple. Keep it factual. Tell them that you believe the other parent does love them, but they don’t know how to show it. Tell them that you don’t know if they will ever meet the other parent. You have no control over that.
  10. Try to explore their dreams. Ask them what they think it would be like if they met the other parent, what they would do? Try to identify what needs the child feels the other parent would meet. Then as the parent actively present to your child, see if you can meet any of these needs. If you can’t, acknowledge them and listen.
  11. Give your child permission to talk openly about the other parent. Often at school children will ask other children about parents. Make sure they feel confident to answer the questions. Usually when a child has a solid relationship with at least one adult who loves them they are often not concerned about who maybe absent from their lives.
  12. Finally, remember you can’t ‘fix’ it; you can’t undo the past and you can’t control the future. Allow your child talk with you and express their feelings. Just tell them thank you for sharing how they feel with you. You don’t have to justify it or try to explain it to them. Some things just cannot be explained. Children process information by talking and asking questions, they may ask you the same question many times over, this is the nature of children. Be patient with them and help them to process their feelings and the world around them.
  13. Help your children understand the diversity of the world, using books can really help to show them that their family form is wonderful just like any other family. Have belief and confidence in your family as a parent will support your child to know they have a great place in the world with a parent who loves them.

The hardest part in talking with your child about the absent parent is dealing with your own feelings. If you have not explored your feelings over the years and have tried to put aside any pain and heartache it caused you, then you may need to seek professional support before you talk with your child, during and after. One Family can support you with this.

Next you might like to read: 10 Ways to Explain an Absent Parent, 10 ways to Talk to Your Child About an Absent Parent (0-3 Years)

Find out more about our parenting skills programmes and parent supports. For support and information on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email support@onefamily.ie.

This ’10 Ways to’ article is by One Family’s Director of Children & Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly, as part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips. You can read the full series here.

LIVE Facebook Q&A with Geraldine on this topic Tuesday 11 August from 11am-12pm in our NEW One Family Parenting Group which is a closed Facebook group (meaning that only members can read posts) that anyone can join. Post your questions and share your experiences.