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Parenting | Ten Thoughts for Parents of Children in Care

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Dad and child's handsFor a variety of reasons, challenges and difficulties, there are times for some parents when parenting can be a stressful experience which may have led to fractured parent child relationship, and we hear from, meet and support parents whose children are in care.

When children go into care, there is usually supported contact of one kind or another. Often this contact time may be as little as a couple of hours a week shared with more than one child. Sometimes for parents, this may feel almost like a performance as they are being watched. This may result in a negative experience, often in turn resulting in less contact, which may lead to further challenges for the parent-child relationship but our suggestions below are provided to support parents to engage in making supported contact time a more positive experience. Children have a great capacity to love, and especially to love parents. So even if this situation is for the remainder of their childhood, you can still have and maintain a very positive relationship with your child.

The following are our suggestions to support a parent visiting with their child in care.

  1. Prepare for the visit. Often parents’ lives are in chaos if a child goes into care. There may be a lot of personal challenges to overcome and confront. However, if you cannot prepare for contact with your child it will most likely be a difficult rather than a positive experience for anyone.
  2. Preparing means thinking about everything from planning the route, the time you need to get there, the cost of the journey, washing and having clean clothes, having eaten and rested sufficiently.
  3. Preparing is also about thinking ahead about how you will spend your time together. What age is your child, what they like to do when you are with them? Developmentally, what are they interested in? Can you bring some toys or activities with you? Can you have a special bag which you can add to over time with various activities which will support you to engage well?
  4. Engaging means talking with your child, and managing their behaviour which means you must be able to identify their needs and know how to meet them. If you are in an empty room with broken toys, you can expect that your child will get bored and may ask to leave or cry for the carer to take them out again. By planning simple activities you can engage your child which will result in positive parent child interactions and a more positive relationship.
  5. If you plan well, you can have good contact with your child; contact that will support you to feel that you can parent, that you know what your child needs and that you can work towards meeting these needs. It can help you focus on dealing with the challenges that led to this situation rather than the focus remaining on any negatives.
  6. Seek support to help you cope with the situation, such as our parent mentoring service, where we work one to one with parents to support them in many situations. The social worker you engage with is usually also your child’s. They will and have to ensure the child’s well-being; they may not always be in a position to support the parent also.
  7. Always be on time for contact and be physically fit for the session. If you feel you cannot last the planned length of time, tell the social worker this. It is much more beneficial for your child to have a shorter and positive session where you can stay engaged rather than a long session where you lose energy and possibly drift into despair when you realise what has happened for you.
  8. Stay focused on your child and when the session is over take some time to reflect on what went well and what really challenged you. Talk with the social worker about both and then try to plan ahead for the next time.
  9. Many parents see multiple children in one contact session, often because of resources. It can be really beneficial to seek one to one contact with each child also. Children need your attention and it may be more challenging for you to divide yourself between their various needs without some one to one time.
  10. Look closely at your child in these sessions and think about how they are in the care situation. Do they look well? Are they smiling? How is school going? Are they meeting developmental goals? Try to look for the positives for them; it may not be easy but the more you really look at your child and hear them and know that in the majority of cases children can really feel safe in care, the more positively you will be parenting your child.
  11. Parenting requires us to be completely non-selfish. We have to be able to put our children first no matter what. By supporting your child with positive, dependable contact while they are in care you are letting them know that, although this is extremely challenging, knowing they are safe is the most important thing that matters to you. Whether this is a permanent situation or short-term, you can still parent, and this is your opportunity to look after your needs so you can be there for your child in the best way possible.

This ’10 Ways to’ article is by One Family’s Director of Children & Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly, as part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips. You can read the full series here.

Join Geraldine on Facebook on this and other parenting topics for a weekly Q&A live in our One Family Parenting Group which is a closed Facebook group (meaning that only members can read posts) that anyone can join. Post your questions and share your experiences.

Find out more about our parenting skills programmes and parent supports. For support and information on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email us.

Parenting | Ten Ways to Praise Your Child More

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praisePraise is a normal part of life for many but we must not take it for granted. Some children and adults are very rarely praised. Praise has a huge impact on behaviour. The more positive praise we get the more likely we are to have high self-esteem resulting in positive behaviours.

Here are some pointers to keep in mind when giving praise:

  1. 1. Praise each step your child takes in trying to achieve something. It does not have to be something big. Just comment and praise on a piece of work such as a jigsaw puzzle.
  2. Praise is better delivered in short phrases and is best delivered without any conditions. For example: “You are really kind sharing your sweets with your sister, why can’t you that all the time.” By adding on the extra bit you undo the good of the praise.
  3. Praise the small things, they are the things your child is doing every day. That is where the difference will be made.
  4. If your child rejects praise then you may need to explore why they are doing this. Have you being giving praise with conditions so they may feel criticised? Children and adults who are not comfortable with praise usually have low self-esteem. This may be an area you need to explore.
  5. If your child is not used to being praised they may be puzzled but also delighted. However, they may worry you have some other motive. Assure them you don’t. Tell them you are going to notice their efforts from now on and praise them.
  6. Think of the last time you were praised, by anyone! How did it feel for you? Children have the same range of feelings as adults but mostly they need support to understand how they feel. Try to help them understand their feelings.
  7. Are you comfortable giving praise? Within Irish culture there is a strong belief that self praise is no praise. This is not true. Children need to be supported to identify when they have done well. They need to be encouraged to feel proud of their achievements. Remember no matter how small they are. For example: “Wow you are so clever sitting on your potty.”
  8. Catch your child being good! Many parents find it much easier to list what their child does wrong and what they feel may need to be ‘fixed’. Children are perfect just as they are; they do however need support to understand life and the role they play within their family and community.
  9. Many parents can make up to forty demands of a child in a thirty minute block of time. How many praise statements do you make in the same block of time? If we are asking children to carry out endless tasks are we also noticing how well they do?
  10. Be very specific in your praise. Name exactly the behaviour you liked. Children will then learn that they will be praised for specific actions rather than not being sure of what they did well. Statements such as “you are a good girl” really does not tell a child anything. Telling them they are so good at sharing or so good at helping is much more useful. They know then these actions get positive rewards.

This ’10 Ways to’ article is by One Family’s Director of Children & Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly, as part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips. You can read the full series here.

Join our new One Family Parenting Group which is a closed Facebook group (meaning that only members can read posts) that everyone is welcome to join. You could post questions and share your experiences, and take part in a live weekly Q&A with Geraldine.

Find out more about our parenting skills programmes and parent supports. For support and information on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email support@onefamily.ie.

Parenting | 10 Ways to Have Halloween Fun

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Halloween children 150x150Halloween celebrations have changed a lot in Ireland over the past ten years or so. What once was a simple celebration (when a black plastic bin liner served perfectly well as a costume!) has now become much more expensive, especially at a time of year when parents are just recovering from back to school expenses and Christmas is looming.

Here are some suggestions towards enjoying a less expensive, fun Halloween for all the family.

  1. Source costumes by swopping with friends, and visiting second hand shops.
  2. Encourage older children to be creative and maybe spend some time in a second hand shop with you too, finding the perfect bits and pieces to create their own look.
  3. Have a party in your own home and invite each child to bring a gruesome dish with them. There are so many of the old games children will still very much enjoy too, such as ‘Pass the Apple’. These can be great fun without much expense.
  4. Chocolate dipped apples for the callers can be fun to make with your child and you can get good value on small apples; or maybe your neighbour has some growing, you never know! Halloween doesn’t have to mean just a basket load of sweets and chocolates.
  5. Dress up yourself and get into the spirit of things. Enjoy the day with your children, make it an annual family tradition. It is a day you can laugh out loud and enjoy the innocence of childhood.
  6. Encourage your children to make their own decorations instead of buying many. It will help you be creative and have fun together while doing it. You may need to visit the euro shop and stock up on some craft bits and pieces. Pumpkins can be relatively cheap and maybe you have chanced growing your own this year – carving them out is great fun and brings out your and your child’s creativity.
  7. Agree what children are allowed to do on Halloween with them in advance. Many communities have organised free events which can be a good way to meet your neighbours and get out of the house for an evening.
  8. Do not allow children to trick or treat without constant adult supervision. Encourage children to actually have a ‘treat’ ready, like a song.
  9. If you have older children, know where they are going and with whom. Call other parents and check out plans. Don’t worry if your teen thinks you are too protective or ‘nagging’; it is better to know than not to.
  10. Finally try to not dread it or hate it. Halloween can be simple fun without much expense. Your children will get such pleasure from enjoying it with you.

Happy Halloween!

This ’10 Ways to’ article is by One Family’s Director of Children & Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly, as part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips. You can read the full series here.

LIVE Facebook Q&As with Geraldine on parenting topics are held in our One Family Parenting Group which is open to all to join (but a closed Facebook group meaning that only members can read posts). Post your questions and share your experiences.

Find out more about our parenting skills programmes and parent supports. For support and information on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email support@onefamily.ie.

Starting Over

Parenting | 10 Ways to Starting Over

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Starting OverRelationships can become very negative within families. This is often due to the many layers of challenges parents are faced with on a daily basis. At times we wonder what we got ourselves into and how we are going to cope.

It is never too late to review your relationships and make positive changes. If you feel you have become weighed down by the stress of life and that your parenting has moved into a place you had never expected it to be, then maybe it is time to think about a fresh start.

The following tips may support you to make changes to your parent-child relationships and aid you in the process of starting over:

  1. Think about what life use to be like. What did you like about parenting in the early days? What type of relationship did you dream you would have with your child? Was there ever a time that you felt you had a very positive relationship with your child? It is possible to regain that bond.
  2. Now think about what went wrong. What is stopping you from parenting in a way you would like to? What do you children need from you that you find you can’t give?
  3. Start by improving your relationship with yourself. What needs do you have? Can you identify your needs and explore how you can get them met. Self care is the key to a positive relationship with others. Think about what you are good at when it comes to parenting. Are you organised? A good planner? Do you stick to routines? Are you good at cooking, helping with homework? How patient are you? Can you tell or read stories? Do you enjoy playing games?
  4. Choose one thing you are good at- there is at least one – use this as a base to start a new relationship with your child. If, for example, you are good at telling stories why not start a weekly library trip? Focus on this one hour with your child each week. Encourage them to enjoy books. Find books and stories that interest you both. If you can have this one hour a week with your child that you both enjoy, it will support a positive feeling that you can build upon.
  5. Make a list of what you admire about your child. Try to wear rose coloured glasses for a week and only focus on what your child does well. Praise them when you see them do nice things, even if they are small. Focus on encouraging them and admiring them. At times all our energy goes into what our children do to upset us. Children generally don’t wake up with a plan to upset and annoy their parents. If we can focus on the positives and train ourselves to spend 70% of your energy on the positives you will see dramatic changes in your relationship with your child.
  6. Explore the issues that really challenge you in parenting your child and yourself. Pick one and look at what you can do to change things. If, for example, you find your child is not listening, think about how good you listen. Explore what stops you from listening. Sit with your child and name the issue – stick to one – and name how you feel about it. Ask your child how they feel about this issue. Together you can plan the changes to be made in the next week to acknowledge each other’s needs.
  7. Try not to blame, it takes two people to have a relationship. Own your part and support your child to make changes along with you. If your child is less than 3 years then focus on what you can do differently. When we make a change to our own behaviour it will have a ripple effect on those around us.
  8. Work on one issue at a time and introduce weekly family meetings. If your children are over 3 years old this is a very effective way to get everyone talking and communicating. Let everyone have a voice. You only have to listen. Hear what your children. Click here to read our ’10 Ways to Run a Family Meeting’.
  9. There is no purpose in blaming your children for how they behave. Children respond to the environment they live in. Hear what they say and then make a statement about what you would like to see happen. Can you have weekly dates with your children? Individual quality time is very effective and allows you focus on what each individual child enjoys. Group activities every other week are also great at bringing family together. These can just be fun things in the home, where there is calmness and room to talk.
  10. Try to focus on what you do well each day. Name one thing you do well or even partly well that day and sleep on that. In doing this, you will support yourself to make change and believe that positive change can happen.

Seek professional support if you are really struggling. Taking part in a parenting class can really help guide you and offer you support. One Family also offer one to one parent mentoring support. Do not do it alone, ask for help and achieve your dream relationship with your children.

This ’10 Ways to’ article is by One Family’s Director of Children & Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly, as part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips. You can read the full series here.

LIVE Facebook Q&A with Geraldine on this topic Monday 28 September from 11am-12pm in our NEW One Family Parenting Group which is a closed Facebook group (meaning that only members can read posts) that anyone can join. Post your questions and share your experiences.

Find out more about our parenting skills programmes and parent supports. For support and information on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email support@onefamily.ie.

Responsible Behaviour

Parenting | 10 Ways to Talk to Your Teenager About Responsible Behaviour

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Responsible BehaviourMany parents dread the teenage years. Drinking alcohol, smoking, sex and many other issues come up when our children reach this age. Many of them are normal for this stage of development. At times we can worry too much about what the teenage years will bring so we ban everything, thinking if we take full control nothing can go wrong. The unfortunate thing is, you are not spending as much time with your child now, so you are not going to be able to control everything they do or everything that happens to them.

Here are some tips to help you survive the journey with your child and see them through the teenage years in a positive way:

  1. Try to not expect the worst. We hear so much from other parents and the media about what young people get up to. This is usually a smaller percentage than you would think. Try not to be afraid to hear what lies ahead for your teen. It can be a wonderful time for them and for you if you trust your skills as a parent and trust your child to make good choices.
  2. Try not to ban things. The more you say ‘no’ the more your teen will focus their energy on finding a way to get or to do whatever they want. Instead explore with your teenager how they can make good choices around what it is they need to do.
  3. Almost every teen will try alcohol, most likely between 14-17 years old. There is very little you can do to stop them from accessing alcohol if they really want to. Talk with them about your fears around what alcohol can do to a person. Talk with them about how they would cope. Who would they go to for support if they made the wrong choice? Talk with them about making responsible choices.
  4. At this age teenagers can also be in and out of many relationships. Some young people will engage in sexual behaviour before the age of 18. You can talk with them about self respect, feeling safe, saying ‘No’. Try not to back away from talking with your teen about contraception. Make a GP appointment for girls especially and help them get information about their options. Introduce your teen to literature around relationships. By supporting your teen to be armed with the correct information you will be supporting them to make the right choices. Just because you give them this information does not mean you are giving them permission to engage in sexual relationships, but making sure that if they choose to they are doing it in a responsible way.
  5. Allow your teenager some freedom. If you can start in the very early years to give your child opportunities to make choices and act in responsible ways then as teenagers you will have some idea of what your teenager is capable of. Teenagers need space and need for you to trust them. Start from a place of trust, if they prove unable to act responsibly, then take away the freedoms and start again.
  6. Be very clear with your teenager about boundaries in the home and the community. Stick to your principles. Ensure your teen understands the boundaries and why they exist. Review them regularly as you will need to shift the boundaries as your teen grows and shows you how responsible they can be.
  7. Be fair. Listen to your teenager and hear what they have to say. Try not to do things because that is how you were parented or because you feel you are expected to parent in certain ways. Be confident in how you parent, you know your child best and you need to trust your instincts. If you really feel you are out of your depth seek professional support. Call the askonefamily helpline on 1890 662 212
  8. Try to be not too strict with teens. Allow them downtime. Do they really need to get up by 10am at the weekends? Why not get a piercing? What about it if they wear to much make up or dye their hair? Choose your battles wisely and be open to hearing their views. Explore the issue for yourself. Educate yourself about Facebook and other social media. Share your views with teens and try to reach agreement with them.
  9. Although you are asked to be open to the challenges of the teenage years you must also be very clear about what you expect from your teen. Follow through and do not change the rules to suit you. Deal with issues when they arise and try not to imagine every wrong choice your teen will make. Making mistakes is part of growing up, making them in the safety of your family and home are what you want. You can then be there to offer support.
  10. Try not to criticise your teen. They are trying their best. Life can be hard for them too. Do not belittle the challenges they face. Although they are very near to adulthood they are still children so allow them these years to explore, learn and understand the type of person they are and want to become.

This ’10 Ways to’ article is by One Family’s Director of Children & Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly, as part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips. You can read the full series here.

LIVE Facebook Q&A with Geraldine on this topic Thursday 24 September from 5pm-6pm in our NEW One Family Parenting Group which is a closed Facebook group (meaning that only members can read posts) that anyone can join. Post your questions and share your experiences.

Find out more about our parenting skills programmes and parent supports. For support and information on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email support@onefamily.ie.

Parenting | 10 Ways to Relate to Your Teenager

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Relating To Your TeenagerOften parents will say they had a great relationship with their child until they became a teenager. Many of us will know every move our child makes up to the end of primary school and then suddenly they begin second level. There are many changes that you could be facing – you may no longer be taking them to school, they may be getting public buses, there is a wider catchment area for the school so you no longer know the parents. All these factors can lead to parents becoming just as anxious as the child about the start of secondary school. At this stage the key to survival is realising that you can’t control your child. Your role is to teach them responsibility and allow them the opportunity to be responsible.

Here are some steps you can take to support a positive relationship with your teen:

  1. Trust them, you have had 12 years of hand holding and now it is time to start letting go.
  2. Expect your child to be responsible. You will not know what they are capable of until you let them try. Support them to be responsible by allowing them the space to make up their own minds.
  3. Meet them where they are at. If it seems like they are not able for the level of responsibility you offer, draw back a little and start again.
  4. Talk ‘with’ them, not ‘at’ them. Try to hear what they have to say. Let them express their opinions, don’t react, just listen.
  5. Do not jump in with your answers. Support them to explore the issue they have and to come up with reasonable solutions to it. Allow them make the decision on how they move forward and address their problem.
  6. Take time to be present to them. Sit with them and watch what they like to watch. Be available to them as much as you can. The more time you spend in their company the more you will understand their world. It is more complex than you might imagine.
  7. Do not trivialise their issues. Life can be very complicated and they need your support to find their way through it.
  8. Remember, they are now growing up, in a few years they may move out. Question what you are doing with them and for them. Is it the right thing? Are you still treating them like children, but expecting them to behave like teenagers?
  9. Value what they have to say. Ask their opinion on family matters and issues within society. You may be surprised what you learn about your teenager. It is healthy to get them talking about how they feel and how they see the world.
  10. Try to say ‘yes’ to what they need and explore with them how they can achieve it. While we have to be realistic and responsible with what we allow them to have, we can also enable them to gain extra things they want. At times it can feel like our children think we have an endless supply box. As parents, we have to remember that teenagers can be very self absorbed, their world is far more important than ours, but it is how we share our worlds that decides how lifelong bonds can be formed.

Staying separate from their issues is very important. Explore with them but do not become immersed in their life. Allow them space and some freedom within reasonable limits and with clear boundaries. Enjoy your teenager, in a few short years your work will be done and they will fly off to be their own person. If you create good relationships now you can be sure they will always come back to you for support throughout their life journey.

This ’10 Ways to’ article is by One Family’s Director of Children & Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly, as part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips. You can read the full series here.

Next you might like to read: 10 Ways to Build and Maintain a Close Relationship with Your Teenager 

LIVE Facebook Q&A with Geraldine on this topic Thursday 17 September from 5pm-6pm in our NEW One Family Parenting Group which is a closed Facebook group (meaning that only members can read posts) that anyone can join. Post your questions and share your experiences.

Find out more about our parenting skills programmes and parent supports. For support and information on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email support@onefamily.ie.

Parenting | 10 Ways to Settle Back into the School Routine

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back to school Settling back into the school routine can be very challenging. When you are parenting school age children, the best way to make a plan is to do it together with your children. Whether is it September or another time of the year, here are some tips to support you.

  1. Call a family meeting. If you have not tried this before try not be skeptical as it can be very effective. By bringing the whole family together you are making a statement – This is our family and our issue to resolve together, which is a really good principle to parent by. If you need extra advice on how to do this, read our ’10 ways to’ run a family meeting. 
  2. When you have all the family in one place then make your statement – School is back on, how can we ensure a good term ahead for everyone?
  3. Ask each person to say what they need in the next term. You should expect various responses, from ‘no nagging’, to ‘not wanting homework’ to needing ‘time out with friends’. This is normal, take note of all suggestions.
  4. Once you have a list of what everyone needs, then you can start to explore if and how these needs can be met.
  5. If you have older children, maybe they can offer to help meet the needs of younger children. Such as supporting them with homework.
  6. Be sure to name your needs and be reasonable. Try to keep them very specific, e.g. “I need to know homework is done every day. “I need everyone in bed at a reasonable time.” “I need everyone to take a level of responsibility around getting ready for school in the mornings.”
  7. Agree what each person can do for themselves. “Everyone has their own alarm clock.” “Everyone makes their own sandwiches, once they are over about 7 years old. Your job is to provide the food, agree what needs to be available, but you do not have to be responsible for filling the boxes.
  8. Once you have agreed on the key principles of what everyone needs to do, allow some space and variation in how each person achieves them. If you have older children and teenagers try not to schedule every minute for them. Allow them choose when homework will be done. It is their homework. Allow them some choice around free time after school before homework starts. Allow them to choose when they eat. You can prepare dinner, but is it reasonable to expect everyone to eat at the same time? You can also agree on family time and when you schedule some time together as a family.
  9. If we try to control everything our children do, we are just setting ourselves up for failure – along with exhaustion! As parents, it is important we remember that our role is to prepare children for life. Allowing them to make choices and have some control is part of this process. If your child is never allowed to plan their own time and make reasonable choices, how will they learn? How will you know what they are capable of?
  10. Look after yourself well. In order to parent our children effectively, we must learn to parent ourselves. Take time out for you. Be creative in how you can get this time. You will have thought of many of your own needs during this process and your children are not responsible for meeting them. You need to find ways to meet them yourself. In this way you will have the patience and energy to listen, understand and engage in positive ways with your children.

This ’10 Ways to’ article is by One Family’s Director of Children & Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly, as part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips. You can read the full series here.

Next you might like to read: 10 Ways to manage Homework With Primary School Children 

LIVE Facebook Q&A with Geraldine on this topic Monday 7 September from 11am-12pm in our NEW One Family Parenting Group which is a closed Facebook group (meaning that only members can read posts) that anyone can join. Post your questions and share your experiences.

Find out more about our parenting skills programmes and parent supports. For support and information on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email support@onefamily.ie.

Parenting | 10 Ways to Prepare Your Child for Preschool

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ABCAs summer winds down, we are thinking about school again. For parents with young children, this means looking into preschools for your children. Sending your child to preschool for the first time is a big step in both your and your child’s life, and it is important to make sure both of you are prepared to take that step. There are many ways to see if your child is ready for preschool, and in this week’s edition of our ’10 Ways to’ parenting tips series, we look at ways to prepare your child for preschool.

  1. Sit back and look at how much your child has grown in the past 3 years. Ask yourself if you are fully supporting them to be more responsible, allowing them make choices and have more control over what they want and how they do things.
  2. Ensure your child is toilet trained, and able to manage in the toilet unaided.
  3. Ensure your child can use a spoon to feed themselves, that they can recognise their belongings, get out their lunch and tidy away by themself.
  4. Support your child to learn the rules of friendship, taking turns, sharing, asking for what they want and being inclusive of all children.
  5. Play school with them at home. Help them act out any fears around school, and through role play help them understand what will be expected of them in preschool.
  6. Explore with them how they need to behave in preschool and what will happen if they misbehave.
  7. Talk with them about the other children who will be there, and how they will be very friendly with some though may not really like some children. Encourage them to have time for everyone and to aim to be friendly with all the children.
  8. Visit the preschool in advance. Understand the policies and procedures in advance as a parent, and help your child know what their day will look like in preschool. There are great differences between many preschools.
  9. Keep preschool fresh in your child’s mind in the weeks leading up to them starting. Help them be confident by preparing them well and encouraging them to practice at home by asking questions and resolving small disputes in a positive manner
  10. Don’t put any pressure on your child. It is not university, so relax about whether they know their colours and numbers. They will learn if they are happy and feel supported to do so.

This ’10 Ways to’ article is by One Family’s Director of Children & Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly, as part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips. You can read the full series here.

Next you might like to read: 10 Ways to manage Homework With Primary School Children 

LIVE Facebook Q&A with Geraldine on this topic Tuesday 1 September from 11am-12pm in our NEW One Family Parenting Group which is a closed Facebook group (meaning that only members can read posts) that anyone can join. Post your questions and share your experiences.

Find out more about our parenting skills programmes and parent supports. For support and information on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email support@onefamily.ie.

Shared Parenting

Parenting | 10 Ways to Do Your Best When Sharing Parenting

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Shared Parenting How do you know what is best for your child when you are sharing parenting?

  1. One Family supports children to have contact with both of their parents if it is safe for them to do so. We know it can be very challenging but often for children it can benefit them greatly to know they have two parents who can and want to care for them.
  2. What age children stay over with the contact parent from raises great debate for the families we work with. The best way to judge this is to look at the relationship your child has with their other parent. Has the other parent lived with them since birth? Are they familiar with the other parent getting them ready for bed and bathing them? Is your child emotionally attached to the other parent? If the answer is generally yes, then most likely your child will do well on sleepovers, once they settle into a routine with the other parent.
  3. If you have a new born, it is often felt that for the baby it can cause great anxiety if they are separated from a main caregiver. Mums are hugely important in this stage of development. That is not to take from the value of the father’s role, but separation anxiety at this young age can have lasting impacts on children.
  4. For children who are of school age, toilet trained, talking and able to express themselves to some extent, overnights can work out fine. Often they are anxious about the parent they leave behind. It is important to let your child know that you support them to have a relationship with both of their parents. Assure them that you are fine when they are not at home and that you will look forward to seeing them when they come back.
  5. Older children (12+) need to have a voice around contact plans. At this stage of development they are keen to spend time with friends and social gatherings. Not wanting to go on contact is nothing to do with either parent usually; it is more often about your young teen wanting to have their needs met. Allow young teens some space to voice their needs and support good contact around this. At this age, it is all about making ‘dates’ to see your children.
  6. Flexibility is the key to good shared parenting. Although you may have a clear plan detailing contact arrangements, children will change over time. Even if a child is unwell or something happens in school or in the family, this can affect how they feel about contact on any given day or week. Try not to get upset if your child doesn’t want to go on contact sometimes. It can, of course, be very hard not to see your child, but maybe the plans can be adjusted – a shorter visit such as just going for something to eat or, if your relationship is stable enough, inviting the other parent to come along for an hour.
  7. Try not to see contact as your time with your child, but your child’s time with you. Any contact is better than no contact, unless it is not safe for children. The quality of interaction with your child is what makes the difference in a good parent-child relationship.
  8. Be flexible with the other parent. Allow things to be a little free. Children will have family events and occasions with friends that they don’t want to miss. Try not to cause your child to miss out on things that are important to them, because you want to own the contact time.
  9. It is very important that both parents are on time for contact – both dropping off and collecting. However, things can and do happen. Try to remain calm and not to see this as an insult to you, as often nothing is meant by it. Encourage the other parent to keep to clearly agreed times so that you and your children are not anxiously waiting.
  10. Build up contact slowly for children. Start off with short stays and fun things and then move more into normal parenting things in the home. Increase the time slowly until you have reached a schedule that works well for the child and the parents. Be open to allowing your child good contact. It can be very hard to part from your child at any time, but try to believe the other parent loves them too and trust that they will care for the child as well as you do in their own way.

Next you might like to read: 10 Ways to Positively Maintain Contact or 10 Ways to Successful Shared Parenting

LIVE Facebook Q&A with Geraldine on this topic or any parenting issue on Tuesday 25 August at 5.45pm in our NEW One Family Parenting Group which is a closed Facebook group (meaning that only members can read posts) that anyone can join. Post your questions and share your experiences.

This ’10 Ways to’ article is by One Family’s Director of Children & Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly, as part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips. You can read the full series here.

Find out more about our parenting skills programmes and parent supports. For support and information on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email support@onefamily.ie.

Toddler Tantrum

Parenting | 10 Ways to Cope With Toddler Tantrums

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Toddler Tantrum A toddler’s life is full of wonder and awe. Many toddlers are fearless explorers and just want freedom to do things for themselves. For someone so young they can be very sure of what they want and making plans on how to get it. For parents the wonder is usually how they are still alive at the end of everyday with the things you catch them doing or trying to do – Jumping off steps and window ledges, climbing trees, eating dirt, scaling shelves, dancing on the kitchen table and drinking from the toilet are just some of the many daily behaviours of a toddler.

How can we avoid the battle of wills and allow our toddlers some freedom and still kiss them goodnight safely tucked up in bed? It is hard, but not impossible. Allowing children of this age freedom to explore is very challenging for parents. Our job is to keep them safe, but preventing them from doing things can cause even greater challenges in the form of tantrums – a fight for independence!

  1. The first step is to know that your child is keen to explore, they want to try things for themselves. We won’t know what they are capable of unless we let them try. They won’t know what they are capable of unless you allow them to try. Confident children are those who have been allowed to try, try and try again.
  2. Stay calm when you see your toddler climbing a tree in the back garden. Admire their ability and determination to succeed. Try coming close, saying nothing and watching them. Know that you are ready to catch them if they fall or to offer admiration when they succeed. Shouting in their direction may scare them and cause a fall. Supporting them to explore helps to develop their confidence and competency.
  3. The question is how you can allow them climb safely. What can you construct in your garden to keep them safe and allow them climb. Our fear comes out of safety for the child. So if you can create safety then you don’t have to be so fearful.
  4. Watch them grow. At times we forget we are parenting a child – someone who is growing stronger everyday and more capable every day. We forget to grow with them. Reflect on how much you do for your child that really they are capable of doing for themselves. How many parents are still spoon feeding a 2 year old, how many have 2 year olds in cots? What are you really doing for your child in this case?
  5. For toddlers you have to be able to allow them grow. Give them opportunities to do things for themselves – give them the spoon, it will be a longer and messier process, but it will pay off in the end. Responsibilities enable children to become more capable and most importantly develop their self esteem.
  6. Allow your toddler to make choices. You may think that asking a 2 year old what they want to wear or eat is looking for trouble or plain silly. However, when you offer a choice you will learn very quickly that they know exactly what they want. Offer small choices, such as this tracksuit or these jeans, not the whole wardrobe. Ask them would they like yogurt or fruit, milk or water. By starting at an early age you are telling your child that you know they are they have power within the family and that their voice is valued in this home. If you wait until they are older you may have many challenges along the way and it can be very difficult to change long learned behaviours.
  7. Manage your stress. Often when parents are feeling very stressed about work, life, relationships and the responsibility of parenting it can cause us to parent in ways we had hoped not to. Become aware of the triggers and try not to let it influence your parenting. We usually parent in a less democratic way when you are stressed. Identifying stressors and putting measures in place to deal with them helps to notice that you don’t get as flustered or overwhelmed.
  8. Try to say ‘yes’ to toddlers instead of a stream of ‘no’. Think about how often you say No to your toddler and then explore ways in which you can give more Yes answers to them. This is not about toddlers getting their own way, but there is only so much they can understand, so allowing them to do more things can be the best way for them to learn about the world.
  9. Have some fun. When you have a toddler you will most likely have survived at least two years of parenting. You had wished for the day they could walk and talk. Your child will not be a toddler for long, so treasure this time. If you can put yourself in their shoes it will help you see that they just want to explore the world.
  10. Remember. Toddlers are not aiming to drive parents wild; we do that to ourselves. If we allow them the space they need to grow soon they will have passed another stage with great success and you will start to see the real character of your child. This character is formed at toddler stage, so trying to stop areas developing usually will not work; it is more about sanding off the rough edges and giving them guidance.

Next you might like to read: 10 Ways to Parent Through Stressful Times

LIVE Facebook Q&A with Geraldine on this topic Tuesday 18 August from 11am-12pm in our NEW One Family Parenting Group which is a closed Facebook group (meaning that only members can read posts) that anyone can join. Post your questions and share your experiences.

Find out more about our parenting skills programmes and parent supports. For support and information on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email support@onefamily.ie.

This ’10 Ways to’ article is by One Family’s Director of Children & Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly, as part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips. You can read the full series here.