Parenting | Reading as a tool to manage challenging behaviour

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family readingAs yesterday was World Book Day we thought it would be an ideal time to discuss reading and how reading can be used as a tool to manage challenging behaviours. Reading can create an opportunity for calm, quiet reflection and relaxation. It can also open up an opportunity for discussions between parent and child and can be used as a starting point to discuss any issues going on in the child’s life.

Here are our ’10 ways’ tips on using reading as a tool in your parenting:

  1. Many parents know about time out or they think they know from all the TV shows telling them about it. However many parents get totally confused in how to implement time out and for what reasons. Time out can become a challenging behaviour rather than a tool to resolve it.
  2. Quiet time can be a much more positive tool to try and implement in your home. The whole purpose of time out is to calm down. However the mechanism of implementing time out is very challenging. If you focus on creating quiet time it can make things much easier.
  3. In advance of challenging behaviours taking place, talk with your child about what you can all do when you are feeling angry, overwhelmed or frustrated. Allow your children to talk about what they need at this time. Talk with them about how you feel when they act out these feelings. Talk with them about what currently happens when any member of the family has these feelings.
  4. Talk with them about the idea of creating space and calming down.
  5. Ask them to describe what currently helps them calm down. Tell them things you do to help you to calm down. Bring them back to the idea of a quiet place to sit and calm down. How would this help you restore balance to how you are feeling? How would it support you to talk about how you are feeling so it can be explored?
  6. Ask each person in the family to take part in creating the calm, quiet place. Where it should be, what it should look like, how much space is there for it, should there be activities in this space such as mindfulness tactics. Children and adult colouring books can be really useful. The space must be an area that all family members can use and want to use. Each family member must respect each other when in this place.
  7. There should be some small rules around the space. Such as when someone goes into the space, no one else should talk to them and leave them to calm down. You can sit with them but do not engage with them unless invited to do so. You can stay in there for as long as you need to. Each family can create their own rules and review them every so often to ensure the space is still working for everyone.
  8. A further idea is a feelings tent. You could use a pop up tent which is cheap to purchase and easy to store. It also doesn’t need too much space. It can be a lovely place to sit when you have feelings that need time to resolve, time to sit with, to think about and to understand. Support children to become aware of their feelings and to understand how to name them and why they exist. This is crucial to emotional development and well-being as they grow.
  9. For many parents we have difficulty in identifying our feelings and sitting with them. We can be inclined to make them someone else’s issue and we blame others for them. The feelings tent can be a really good place for you too to further develop your feelings, own them and be kind to yourself in understanding why they exist for you. Role modelling is key to positive parenting.
  10. One Family have compiled a comprehensive book list that is useful for families going through times of change. The book list is divided into the following topics: Separation/Divorce; Family Types; Fostering and Adoption; Death and Bereavement and Stepparents and Stepfamilies. Many of the books should be available in your local library and if not the library will order them in for you.

 

This week’s ‘10 Ways’ parenting tips is written by Geraldine Kelly, One Family’s Director of Children and Parenting Services.

For support and advice on any of these topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email support@onefamily.ie

 

Parenting | Why do parents and children fight?

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planHow many parents argue with their child on a daily basis? If you find yourself arguing with your children then you need to press pause and re-examine what is going wrong.

Parents can get into power struggles with very young children. It can start from toddler time when parents are unable or unclear about how to set appropriate boundaries with children and then they start to wonder who is in charge.

Setting boundaries and clear rules with children from infancy is the key to parenting successfully. Parents must assert themselves in their role as the parent. Children must understand from a very young age that the parent must take the lead. Of course, it’s also important to listen to children, to ask them what they think, what they need, what they want and how they see things working. You must involve them in decisions made in the family.

Here are our ’10 ways’ to help resolve these issues:

  1. Identify the key issue you have. Sit with your child and tell them what the issue is.
  2. Ask them what they think and how they feel about it. You can work with children in this way from as young as three years old. Never underestimate children.
  3. Hear what your child has to say about the issue and tell them what you would like to see happen.
  4. Ask them to come up with ideas of how you can work together to solve the issue. Children will have a lot to say when they feel safe to express themselves. Give them permission to say what they would like.
  5. Be open and creative about their ideas. Don’t just shoot them down or they will not see the point in expressing their opinion. Remember children should be active participants in their lives. Make sure they know you value what they have to say.
  6. Facilitate them to come up with plans and ideas. You may have to use games or art work to help them talk and express feelings. Once children become familiar with this style of parenting they will get better at it. What a great life skill you will be teaching them.
  7. When all the ideas are on the table, agree a plan, write it down or draw pictures to show the plan if children are very young. Then put the plan up somewhere so everyone can see it.
  8. Everyone in the family should have a part to play in the plan. You as the parent are the person in charge of ensuring the plan is implemented. You need to find ways to support children to follow through on their part of the plan.
  9. You need to find ways to support yourself to follow through too. Remember you are in this position because you find it hard to make rules and stick with them so finding ways to stick with the plan is key to role modelling for your child. Both you and your children will be delighted when you resolve issues together.
  10. If you start with something small that you can be successful in this will support you to look at the next issue and develop more plans together. If your child is under 3 years old and you feel you cannot involve them in this type of process, you can still work through many of the issues yourself. Draw out a map of what is wrong and write down all the ideas you come up with. Explore your needs, the child’s needs and then come up with plans to meet the needs. Put some rules in place for yourself to help you stick with it. Making changes can be hard and parenting in this way if you are not familiar with this style will take time, but if you stick with it you will see positive changes.

This week’s ‘10 Ways’ parenting tips is written by Geraldine Kelly, One Family’s Director of Children and Parenting Services.

For support and advice on any of these topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email support@onefamily.ie

Policy | Election Promises

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onefamily_party_promises_web_sliderOne Family has been campaigning for equal rights for lone parents and those who are sharing parenting in the lead up to the election. The One Family election manifesto has six key points that need to be addressed by the next government to ensure these concerns are heard and dealt with.

  1. Work to end child poverty in Ireland.
  2. Ensure that work pays for everyone.
  3. Undertake a full review of the One Family Payment Reforms.
  4. Support shared parenting.
  5. Recognise and protect all families in the Constitution, not just married families.
  6. Invest in our family law courts and services.

We have analysed each party manifesto to identify their commitments to these six points in the document below.

Election Promises to One Family

Policy | Email Your Candidates to End Child Poverty and Review Reform of OPF Payment

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With just one week to go until General Election 2016, we urge everyone to email their local candidates to ensure that one-parent families are on their agenda. We are calling for six key commitments which you can read about below.Election Manifesto 2016_1

Election Manifesto 2016_2

It’s easy to email all of your local candidates in just one minute; click here. You can also download two handy documents with questions and take away messages for candidates who call to your door, to help ensure that they know that these issues matter for all families in Ireland.

#GE2016 #EndChildPovery #MyFamilyMatters

Use the social share buttons below to ask your friends and family to support our Election Manifesto for one-parent families.

Parenting | How demanding are we of our children?

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confusedMany parents would say that being a parent is very demanding. But have you ever monitored how many demands you make of your child every day, in an hour or even in one minute? Research shows that parents can give 20-40 commands in a 30 minute period. What must this be like for a child? How confusing must it be for them, when they have probably not carried out one demand when several more are asked of them?

If you think of what it is like for you when children are constantly asking you things, telling you things, two children at a time maybe, your mind starts to crash. You might feel like you can’t think straight any longer. You may become agitated, annoyed and shout out for it to stop. However we often do this to children and very young children and wonder why they have poor behaviour. They are acting out how they feel, they often don’t have the language to tell parents what they feel, and they may not even know what they feel. It is their actions that will tell us if we look closely and observe what is happening for them.

Children need less commands and demands. They need parents to make requests of them, to give them time to think and solve problems. Children often hear the first couple of words you say, they are focused on them and nothing else goes in.

How can you make less demands of your child?

  1. Speak slowly to children.
  2. Look them in the eye when you are talking with them.
  3. Ask them to do one thing and allow them to finish that before asking another.
  4. Try to become aware of how much talking you do and how much direction you are giving.
  5. Encourage your child to talk, ask them what needs to get done next. Children know what needs to be done, help them to name it and then support them to take action.
  6. Make requests of children; respect their right to say no. Support them to learn to negotiate and compromise and then follow through. Children need to learn to say no, and they need to understand why others need them to say yes. If they are to grow up making good decisions, they need to be able to practice this in the home, where they have safety.
  7. Encourage children to have empathy, to think about what others need. Help them to meet the needs of others in an age appropriate fashion. Very young children will struggle with this but they can learn to share and take turns and tidy up at two years old.
  8. Allowing your child time to think is so crucial to allowing them make choices, to problem solve and learn coping skills. Tell your child what you need them to achieve and then allow them figure out how this can happen. Support them to learn the skill of thinking it out, rather than thinking for them.
  9. Make less demands of yourself also. Slow down and take time. I know in a world of hurry it can feel impossible. But really what are we achieving, what are we doing to our health, both physical and mental? What are we teaching our children?
  10. Look at your child and look at how best they can learn. Work with them and they will work with you.

This week’s ‘10 Ways’ parenting tips is written by Geraldine Kelly, One Family’s Director of Children and Parenting Services.

For support and advice on any of these topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email support@onefamily.ie