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Parenting | How to make day trips run smoothly

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llama-935947_1920How many times have you taken your children on a day trip and five minutes after you arrive, or five minutes into the car trip, you feel like saying, “That’s it! We are going home.” We put time, energy and costs into organising days out, yet it can sometimes seems that your children just don’t care.

The stress of organising the event can leave you exhausted and with little energy to deal with what might be normal everyday behaviours. It becomes something bigger and you may be inclined to overreact. Coupled with this, children can be more excitable on days out. The excitement will make it harder for them to manage their emotions and behaviour. They can’t stop fighting and they won’t do what you ask of them.

Teens, on the other hand, may show no excitement. They may be so difficult to motivate, you wonder why you bothered. Feeling disheartened, you just want to go home and cry or maybe stomp about the house to let them know how angry or upset you are. The day out was not just for the children, it was for you too and you feel disappointed: you wanted this time out to relax and have fun with your children.

There are steps you can take to make things go a little smoother so the fun days out are fun from the time you wake up. Read our “10 ways to” have enjoyable days out this summer:

  1. Keep it simple. Think about what your child can cope with. If they are not use to travelling too far then don’t plan a long trip. No matter how good you think the far away venue may be, it may not be worth it. This goes for holidays too.
  2. Tell your child about the trip in advance. Some children love surprises but many don’t. If they are not aware of what is about to happen it can really upset them. Keep as many elements the same for them as possible: eat at the same times and eat the same types of food.
  3. Talk with your child about what you expect of them on the day out. Try to come up with some ways of keeping them safe but still allowing them some freedom.
  4. Dress children for play and not for photos. Too many children are over-dressed on play days out. Let them get dirty, have fun, roll in the sand. They shouldn’t come home clean; it is not a good sign! Bring spare clothes, bring the wipes and try not to worry.
  5. Dress appropriately yourself. Wearing your lovely white trousers may not be the best idea. It is all about fun, so dress in a way that supports you to relax and enjoy your time with your children.
  6. Photographs can cause lots of trouble. Take them if you can but making children pose can create stress for no reason. Fun days out will create memories in a child’s mind. They don’t need photos to have those memories. You can keep other things from the day and stick them in a scrap book to remind you of the day.
  7. If problems arise, stay calm. Think about it from your child’s point of view. Take a break, sit down for a minute and make a plan. Think about what is causing the problem. Are we hungry, are we tired? Whose needs are not been met? Can I do anything? The least you can do is acknowledge the need, if you can’t meet it at that time acknowledging it helps. If you can identify the problem and solve it things will improve.
  8. Allow them to cry; it doesn’t mean you have to leave. There are parents all around you. They know how hard it is. If you can stay calm your child will feel it and they will relax.
  9. Following on from that, stop worrying about who is watching. We put too much pressure on ourselves as parents to perform perfectly all of the time. Be the best parent you can and try not to let others knock your confidence.
  10. Do it more often!

This ’10 Ways to’ article is by One Family’s Director of Children & Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly, as part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips. You can read the full series here.

Find out more about our parenting skills programmes and parent supports. For support and information on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or on 01 662 9212.

Parenting | How to guide your teen in a part-time job

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man-439040_1280Getting a job as a teenager is like taking on an extra subject, one that cannot be taught in school. Real learning about the world, and the people in it, can come from getting a job. If teens are working with the public they will learn to listen to and respect strangers. They learn that they cannot say what they want or they may be sacked. A part-time job will teach your teen to be self-motivated. When they go to college or into the world of work they will know how to cope. The teen years are the time to start training them to use time wisely. They must start deciding how best to use their time for study, work and socialising. It can all fit.

Here are ’10 ways to’ guide your teen in a job:

  1. Usually after Junior Cert the time for a part-time job has arrived. There is something out there for every teen.
  2. Support them to find the right job for them.
  3. Your teen must commit to and be responsible for the job they take on. Mum or Dad cannot pick up the pieces when they do not show up for work. A note into the boss will not be permitted.
  4. If your teen cannot make it into work they should call to explain their absence themselves or they have to organise someone else to cover the shift. They have to acknowledge they are letting others down.
  5. Parents should never get involved in workplace issues.
  6. When issues do arise, support your teen to talk it out. Help them to explore options around resolving workplace issues. They will learn so much about life and grow with great confidence from doing this.
  7. If they struggle to manage a part-time job, along with other activities and social time, then perhaps their energy levels need to be looked at. You will have some work to do with them around capacity building.
  8. You may think they will be sacked the very first week but encourage them to learn from any mistakes and to keep going.
  9. During the school term, it is possible to study and to work and try not to pretend they can’t. The highest achievers out there are usually the busiest of people.
  10. Believe in your teen and they will believe in their own abilities. It is not about earning at the end of the day (although that has its charm), it is about learning survival skills and gaining self awareness.

This ’10 Ways to’ article is by One Family’s Director of Children & Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly, as part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips. You can read the full series here.

Find out more about our parenting skills programmes and parent supports. For support and information on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or on 01 662 9212.

Responsible Behaviour

Parenting | 10 Ways to Talk to Your Teenager About Responsible Behaviour

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Responsible BehaviourMany parents dread the teenage years. Drinking alcohol, smoking, sex and many other issues come up when our children reach this age. Many of them are normal for this stage of development. At times we can worry too much about what the teenage years will bring so we ban everything, thinking if we take full control nothing can go wrong. The unfortunate thing is, you are not spending as much time with your child now, so you are not going to be able to control everything they do or everything that happens to them.

Here are some tips to help you survive the journey with your child and see them through the teenage years in a positive way:

  1. Try to not expect the worst. We hear so much from other parents and the media about what young people get up to. This is usually a smaller percentage than you would think. Try not to be afraid to hear what lies ahead for your teen. It can be a wonderful time for them and for you if you trust your skills as a parent and trust your child to make good choices.
  2. Try not to ban things. The more you say ‘no’ the more your teen will focus their energy on finding a way to get or to do whatever they want. Instead explore with your teenager how they can make good choices around what it is they need to do.
  3. Almost every teen will try alcohol, most likely between 14-17 years old. There is very little you can do to stop them from accessing alcohol if they really want to. Talk with them about your fears around what alcohol can do to a person. Talk with them about how they would cope. Who would they go to for support if they made the wrong choice? Talk with them about making responsible choices.
  4. At this age teenagers can also be in and out of many relationships. Some young people will engage in sexual behaviour before the age of 18. You can talk with them about self respect, feeling safe, saying ‘No’. Try not to back away from talking with your teen about contraception. Make a GP appointment for girls especially and help them get information about their options. Introduce your teen to literature around relationships. By supporting your teen to be armed with the correct information you will be supporting them to make the right choices. Just because you give them this information does not mean you are giving them permission to engage in sexual relationships, but making sure that if they choose to they are doing it in a responsible way.
  5. Allow your teenager some freedom. If you can start in the very early years to give your child opportunities to make choices and act in responsible ways then as teenagers you will have some idea of what your teenager is capable of. Teenagers need space and need for you to trust them. Start from a place of trust, if they prove unable to act responsibly, then take away the freedoms and start again.
  6. Be very clear with your teenager about boundaries in the home and the community. Stick to your principles. Ensure your teen understands the boundaries and why they exist. Review them regularly as you will need to shift the boundaries as your teen grows and shows you how responsible they can be.
  7. Be fair. Listen to your teenager and hear what they have to say. Try not to do things because that is how you were parented or because you feel you are expected to parent in certain ways. Be confident in how you parent, you know your child best and you need to trust your instincts. If you really feel you are out of your depth seek professional support. Call the askonefamily helpline on 1890 662 212
  8. Try to be not too strict with teens. Allow them downtime. Do they really need to get up by 10am at the weekends? Why not get a piercing? What about it if they wear to much make up or dye their hair? Choose your battles wisely and be open to hearing their views. Explore the issue for yourself. Educate yourself about Facebook and other social media. Share your views with teens and try to reach agreement with them.
  9. Although you are asked to be open to the challenges of the teenage years you must also be very clear about what you expect from your teen. Follow through and do not change the rules to suit you. Deal with issues when they arise and try not to imagine every wrong choice your teen will make. Making mistakes is part of growing up, making them in the safety of your family and home are what you want. You can then be there to offer support.
  10. Try not to criticise your teen. They are trying their best. Life can be hard for them too. Do not belittle the challenges they face. Although they are very near to adulthood they are still children so allow them these years to explore, learn and understand the type of person they are and want to become.

This ’10 Ways to’ article is by One Family’s Director of Children & Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly, as part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips. You can read the full series here.

LIVE Facebook Q&A with Geraldine on this topic Thursday 24 September from 5pm-6pm in our NEW One Family Parenting Group which is a closed Facebook group (meaning that only members can read posts) that anyone can join. Post your questions and share your experiences.

Find out more about our parenting skills programmes and parent supports. For support and information on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email support@onefamily.ie.

Parenting | 10 Ways to Relate to Your Teenager

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Relating To Your TeenagerOften parents will say they had a great relationship with their child until they became a teenager. Many of us will know every move our child makes up to the end of primary school and then suddenly they begin second level. There are many changes that you could be facing – you may no longer be taking them to school, they may be getting public buses, there is a wider catchment area for the school so you no longer know the parents. All these factors can lead to parents becoming just as anxious as the child about the start of secondary school. At this stage the key to survival is realising that you can’t control your child. Your role is to teach them responsibility and allow them the opportunity to be responsible.

Here are some steps you can take to support a positive relationship with your teen:

  1. Trust them, you have had 12 years of hand holding and now it is time to start letting go.
  2. Expect your child to be responsible. You will not know what they are capable of until you let them try. Support them to be responsible by allowing them the space to make up their own minds.
  3. Meet them where they are at. If it seems like they are not able for the level of responsibility you offer, draw back a little and start again.
  4. Talk ‘with’ them, not ‘at’ them. Try to hear what they have to say. Let them express their opinions, don’t react, just listen.
  5. Do not jump in with your answers. Support them to explore the issue they have and to come up with reasonable solutions to it. Allow them make the decision on how they move forward and address their problem.
  6. Take time to be present to them. Sit with them and watch what they like to watch. Be available to them as much as you can. The more time you spend in their company the more you will understand their world. It is more complex than you might imagine.
  7. Do not trivialise their issues. Life can be very complicated and they need your support to find their way through it.
  8. Remember, they are now growing up, in a few years they may move out. Question what you are doing with them and for them. Is it the right thing? Are you still treating them like children, but expecting them to behave like teenagers?
  9. Value what they have to say. Ask their opinion on family matters and issues within society. You may be surprised what you learn about your teenager. It is healthy to get them talking about how they feel and how they see the world.
  10. Try to say ‘yes’ to what they need and explore with them how they can achieve it. While we have to be realistic and responsible with what we allow them to have, we can also enable them to gain extra things they want. At times it can feel like our children think we have an endless supply box. As parents, we have to remember that teenagers can be very self absorbed, their world is far more important than ours, but it is how we share our worlds that decides how lifelong bonds can be formed.

Staying separate from their issues is very important. Explore with them but do not become immersed in their life. Allow them space and some freedom within reasonable limits and with clear boundaries. Enjoy your teenager, in a few short years your work will be done and they will fly off to be their own person. If you create good relationships now you can be sure they will always come back to you for support throughout their life journey.

This ’10 Ways to’ article is by One Family’s Director of Children & Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly, as part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips. You can read the full series here.

Next you might like to read: 10 Ways to Build and Maintain a Close Relationship with Your Teenager 

LIVE Facebook Q&A with Geraldine on this topic Thursday 17 September from 5pm-6pm in our NEW One Family Parenting Group which is a closed Facebook group (meaning that only members can read posts) that anyone can join. Post your questions and share your experiences.

Find out more about our parenting skills programmes and parent supports. For support and information on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email support@onefamily.ie.