How To Be An Assertive Communicator
Assertiveness is a wonderful quality to have, and as long as you know how to use it properly it can be help you be direct and clear in your communication with others, particularly your children.
Assertiveness is an approach that helps you to be direct, honest and respectful in expressing your feelings, wants, needs and opinions.
- You should always be respectful of others and yourself when being assertive.
- Being assertive should not mean being aggressive.
- Use clear and direct communication instead of unclear or indirect communication.
- Be more confident about how you say things and how you get your message across.
- Assertiveness will help your children learn how to be assertive and help a family to be positive and have shared values.
- Remember you are making requests, not demands. Expect yes and no answers.
- Be ready to negotiate and compromise with others, including children.
- Be very specific with children in particular about what you need them to do. ‘I need you to tidy your room’ is too vague. Indicate certain areas of the room: ‘I need you to tidy your dolls today’ and explain what that should look like.
- Learn to say no and explain why it is a ‘No.’ The ‘No’ is about you safeguarding yourself as opposed to blocking another person: ‘No, you cannot walk alone to the shops, I need you to be safe and I need to hold your hand to ensure this.’
Further Support
We provide limited direct support to both parents and children of one-parent families. This support can be requested directly by parents, for themselves or their child, and by professionals who work with one-parent families. You can find out more about this support here.
Helpline
Our askonefamily helpline is open 10am – 3pm, Monday – Friday. We provide detailed, confidential information on social-welfare entitlements and finances, family law, housing, education, childcare and parenting.
We also offer a listening-support service for people who need help parenting alone, sharing parenting or separating. You can call the askonefamily helpline on 0818 662 212 or 01 662 9212, or email your query to
helpline@onefamily.ie.
All families experience problems at some time. No matter how strong a family unit is or how positive our relationships, siblings will still argue, parents may be stressed over finances, bedtime routines may be difficult to establish. The demands of daily life can be challenging and problems can easily arise.
If a recurring problem is not addressed, over time it can become a major issue and affect the quality of life and relationships at home for every member of the family. It is essential to recognise and address problems to help prevent this happening.
Here are some tips on solving problems, together, as a family:
- Name the issue, identify the problem. Work on the easier issues first of all. Working out the smaller stuff gives you the confidence to address the bigger issues.
- Try to figure out how strongly everyone feels on the issue at hand by asking, on a scale of 1 to 10, how strongly do you feel about your point? 1 is not very strong and 10 is very strong.
- Do not attempt to start talking about a solution until you can truly re-state each person’s point to their satisfaction and understand it, and have established what, if any, common ground there is.
- Communicate about the problem with each other using the four-step method for clear and direct communication:
Observations | Be factual. Don’t judge or evaluate. State the problem clearly.
Feelings | Talk about what this observation makes you feel. Ask other family members what their feelings are about it.
Needs | Talk about the needs that cause these feelings.
Requests | Be clear, ask for – not demand – what you want. Other family members should have the option to say no and come up with alternatives.
- Come up with some solutions – ask everyone in the family for them:
Select a solution.Act on the solution. Divide out responsibility amongst the members of the family.
Appoint someone to monitor the action. For less serious issues, children can be responsible monitors too.
Evaluate the whole thing, and within a reasonable time, ask if the solution is working? If not, pick another one to try. Talk about what you all learnt from the situation.
Remember that is not your job as the parent to ‘fix’ life. Empower your children to make decisions and be responsible.
Further Support
We provide limited direct support to both parents and children of one-parent families. This support can be requested directly by parents, for themselves or their child, and by professionals who work with one-parent families. You can find out more about this support here.
Helpline
Our askonefamily helpline is open 10am – 3pm, Monday – Friday. We provide detailed, confidential information on social-welfare entitlements and finances, family law, housing, education, childcare and parenting.
We also offer a listening-support service for people who need help parenting alone, sharing parenting or separating. You can call the askonefamily helpline on 0818 662 212 or 01 662 9212, or email your query to
helpline@onefamily.ie.
Parenting Teenagers: Maintaining Communication
This can be a challenging time for parents and children to maintain good relations and communication. It’s important that the relationship is maintained and lines of communication are kept open on both sides, so that this new period can be navigated in a healthy, supportive way. Here are some tips to achieve this:
- Talk with them: Talking to your teenager, not at them, is the key to good communication.
- Listen: Listen to what they have to say and ask questions to help you understand their thinking. Sometimes you need to just accept that they see things differently to you.
- Empower them: Help your teen find their own solutions to their issues. Don’t give so much advice, let them think it out.
- Let them make mistakes: We all learn from making mistakes. Stop trying to make the world perfect for your teen, they need space to learn. You can be there to support them when times are hard.
- Share with them: You may hate watching The Kardashians or football on TV, but if your teenager loves them then make the effort to sit and watch it with them. This can be a bonding experience and you will get great insight into how their mind works by doing this.
- Make dates: Life is busy as a teen. Make a date with your teenager to do something together and don’t break it, keep it as a regular event. It can be as simple as cooking dinner together, watching a TV show or movie or trying to play a video game with them.
- Forget about their bedroom: Most teens can cause havoc in homes over untidy bedrooms. Try setting some rules that washing must be placed in the wash basket and dishes and food all brought to the kitchen. After that, forget it. Public spaces within the home must be respected by all but allow them keep their room as they like it.
- Like their friends: and boyfriends/girlfriends. You may not particularly like another teen but try to get to know them and be respectful of them. It’s better to have your teenager hanging out in your home than their friends as then you can know more about what’s going on.
- Taxi time: It’s horrid but has to be done. It’s only for a few years but it’s necessary. At least if you bring your teen somewhere and collect them you may have more peace of mind than worrying who they are getting lifts with.
- They are teens not babies: Teens from 12 years old onwards want to be treated as young adults – with the exception of when they are sick or tired and want to be babied again. Give them responsibilities, trust them and expect them to follow rules. Don’t judge them too quickly as they are only learning.
Further Support
We provide limited direct support to both parents and children of one-parent families. This support can be requested directly by parents, for themselves or their child, and by professionals who work with one-parent families. You can find out more about this support here.
Helpline
Our askonefamily helpline is open 10am – 3pm, Monday – Friday. We provide detailed, confidential information on social-welfare entitlements and finances, family law, housing, education, childcare and parenting.
We also offer a listening-support service for people who need help parenting alone, sharing parenting or separating. You can call the askonefamily helpline on 0818 662 212 or 01 662 9212, or email your query to
helpline@onefamily.ie.
Thanks to everyone who came along to hear Dr Brenda Flanagan’s inspiring talk at One Family. Brenda is one of the US’s premier women writers, and a cultural ambassador, she talked about Accomplishing your Goals as a Single Parent. Everyone was touched, moved and inspired by her story – how she achieved her own success, both as a writer and as a parent, and her secret advice for would-be writers or anyone who needs to juggle life’s demands with their own dreams – get up at 4am! See here for more information.
Concerned about how to introduce a new partner to your kids? Read our advice here from One Family Childcare and Parenting coordinator, Ger Kelly Parenting Tips