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Press Release | Ireland’s First National Shared Parenting Survey Launched Today

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Press Release

Ireland’s First National Shared Parenting Survey Launched Today

One Family will finally capture the reality for thousands of parents and children in Ireland who are not recognised

(Dublin, Monday 4th July 2016) Today One Family – Ireland’s organisation for people parenting alone, sharing parenting, and separating – launches the first National Survey on Shared Parenting in Ireland. Founded as Cherish in 1972, One Family has almost 45 years experience of working with and representing one-parent families. Our experience shows that many lone parents share parenting to some extent with their child’s other parent, even though they live separately and are not in a relationship with each other. However, this reality for many thousands of children and parents in Ireland is not recognised or understood meaning that services, polices and laws which could support them are severely lacking.

This initiative aims to capture data on not only the amount of lone parents who share parenting, but the commitments agreed – be they financial, on joint decision making, or on residential or contact time; and how Ireland’s services and polices work or do not work for their family form. The data gathered will finally give a voice to these parents and their children, which can inform appropriate policies and services in the future.

Karen Kiernan, One Family CEO, comments: “Why is this survey needed? Based on the experiences of people who access our services, we believe over 50% and up to 80% of lone parents in Ireland may share parenting, yet the supports they need simply do not exist.  Relationship separation is often a time of great hurt and anger, meaning that establishing a shared parenting agreement which keeps children at the centre of parenting can be immensely challenging. This lack of recognition, including supports around mediation, establishing a shared parenting plan, and Family Law Courts, for example, can pile on additional stress.”

Also today One Family has launched its Annual Review 2015, and a new Strategy for 2016-2018. Calls to its helpline askonefamily increased by another 20% in 2015. The increase was driven largely by governmental reform of the One-Parent Family Payment, with especially negative impacts on parents working part-time who experienced a large income reduction on already tight budgets. Calls related to issues around shared parenting also increased.

Karen continues: “Strategy 2016-2018 outlines One Family’s ongoing commitment to cherish all children and all families. We continue to work towards a society that does not discriminate based on family type, and to call for the broadening of the Constitutional definition of the family to ensure respect and recognition of all the different family types children live in. Attitudinal change in society and at policy level is urgently required if we are to afford equality to all families, and to reduce child poverty rates by 2020 in line with Government commitments. Evidence shows that it is not family form that most impacts on a child’s well-being and future outcomes, but challenges like poverty, and access to education. Capturing information and recognising the realities for many thousands of shared parenting families in Ireland, which our National Survey is designed to achieve, is essential so that proper supports can be put in place to ensure these better outcomes.”

The National Survey on Shared Parenting is anonymous and should take approximately ten minutes to complete. It is available online on this link.

Dani, aged 10, talks about One Family’s Annual Review and the current situation for one-parent families in Ireland in a short video available to view here, which includes Karen Kiernan discussing Strategy 2016-2018 and what is needed to create more positive futures for one-parent families.

Notes for Editors

  • 1 in 8 people in Ireland live in a one-parent family (Census 2011)
  • 1 in 4 families with children in Ireland is a one-parent family (Census 2011)
  • Over half a million people live in one-parent families in Ireland (Census 2011)
  • 13.5% of one-parent families are headed by a father (Census 2011)
  • Almost 1 in 5 children (18.3%) live in a one-parent family (Census 2011)
  • There are over 215,000 one-parent families in Ireland today – 25.8% of all families with children (Census 2011)
  • Family Relationships and Family Well-Being: A Study of the Families of Nine Year-Olds in Ireland by Tony Fahey, Patricia Keilthy and Ela Polek (2012): Shared Parenting in Lone Parent and Step Families (pg. 24) contains information on shared parenting in Ireland and can be can be read here.

About One Family

One Family was founded in 1972 as Cherish and is Ireland’s leading organisation for one-parent families and people sharing parenting, or separating, offering support, information and services to all members of all one-parent families, to those sharing parenting, to those experiencing an unplanned pregnancy and to professionals working with one-parent families. Children are at the centre of One Family’s work and the organisation helps all the adults in their lives, including mums, dads, grandparents, step-parents, new partners and other siblings, offering a holistic model of specialist family support services. These services include the lo-call askonefamily national helpline on 1890 66 22 12, counselling, and provision of training courses for parents and for professionals. One Family also promotes Family Day and presents the Family Day Festival every May, an annual celebration of the diversity of families in Ireland today (www.familyday.ie). For further information, visit www.onefamily.ie.

Available for Interview

Karen Kiernan, CEO | t: 01 662 9212 or 086 850 9191

 

Parenting | Your newly confident five-year-old

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people-70979_1280It is amazing to look back after your child’s first year in school and see how they have grown in confidence. However, along with this new found confidence comes a good dose of cheekiness. They have truly found their voice and will no longer conform. Now, when you ask them to tidy their room you may get a very clear, “No, I am busy!”. When you ask them not to strangle their younger sibling they reply, “They hit me first!”.

You might be relieved that they are getting school holidays, presuming that it is the influence of bold children in school that has turned them into somewhat of a naughty terror. However, it may not be fair to blame the influence of other children; your five-year-old has had ten months of daily mingling with the world and they have realised that they can do things for themselves. Every day they have been encouraged to sort things out for themselves in the classroom and in the yard. They have watched and they have learned. They have discovered they can survive without their parents with them all the time. They are strong, they have skills and, for sure, have their voices that we hear loud and clear at home.

Children should have the safety of home to say no, to test the boundaries and to stand up for themselves. As parents our role is to help them understand the rules of play, of negotiation and respect for others, including their parents.

Here are some tips to help you get started over the summer months:

  1. Welcome your child’s new found confidence. Tell them how great it is to hear them voice their thoughts.
  2. Talk with them about how they can say what they are thinking in a respectful way.
  3. Help them to figure out ways of dealing with anger that doesn’t inflict hurt on others.
  4. Ask them what rules they think should be in place in the house. Get them to help you write down some house rules that all the family can stick to.
  5. Talk with them about how confidence is a good thing, how we all need to say no at times and how this has created positive change in the world. Maybe you can think of some local heroes or ones from fiction or history to help children see how this is a talent they are developing and one they should use wisely.
  6. Talk with children about negotiation. We don’t always want to do what we are asked to do, and neither do they, so encourage them to negotiate with you to reach agreements.
  7. Help your child to understand that families and community, just like in the classroom, need co-operation. If we can all agree to do something, even if we don’t particularly like doing it, then we can move onto something more enjoyable.
  8. Stay calm when your child shouts demands at you. If you get into a shouting match with them they will win because you will feel guilty later. Tell them, in a calm voice, that you need to move away until they are ready to talk. Acknowledge that they are angry or upset, or whatever emotion it is you detect. Never ignore their emotions. When they calm down, thank them for doing that and start over. No sulking!
  9. Every time your child uses their talents, tell them how great it is to be developing these skills. Our job is to sand off the rough edges of these skills. Support and encourage them. You want strong and vibrant children.
  10. Look after yourself. Give yourself some break time so that you will have the patience to parent. This way you can support your child to gain control of all these skills and talents that are emerging.

This ’10 Ways to’ article is by One Family’s Director of Children & Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly, as part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips. You can read the full series here.

Find out more about our parenting skills programmes and parent supports. For support and information on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or on 01 662 9212.

Shared Parenting

Parenting | 10 Ways to Do Your Best When Sharing Parenting

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Shared Parenting How do you know what is best for your child when you are sharing parenting?

  1. One Family supports children to have contact with both of their parents if it is safe for them to do so. We know it can be very challenging but often for children it can benefit them greatly to know they have two parents who can and want to care for them.
  2. What age children stay over with the contact parent from raises great debate for the families we work with. The best way to judge this is to look at the relationship your child has with their other parent. Has the other parent lived with them since birth? Are they familiar with the other parent getting them ready for bed and bathing them? Is your child emotionally attached to the other parent? If the answer is generally yes, then most likely your child will do well on sleepovers, once they settle into a routine with the other parent.
  3. If you have a new born, it is often felt that for the baby it can cause great anxiety if they are separated from a main caregiver. Mums are hugely important in this stage of development. That is not to take from the value of the father’s role, but separation anxiety at this young age can have lasting impacts on children.
  4. For children who are of school age, toilet trained, talking and able to express themselves to some extent, overnights can work out fine. Often they are anxious about the parent they leave behind. It is important to let your child know that you support them to have a relationship with both of their parents. Assure them that you are fine when they are not at home and that you will look forward to seeing them when they come back.
  5. Older children (12+) need to have a voice around contact plans. At this stage of development they are keen to spend time with friends and social gatherings. Not wanting to go on contact is nothing to do with either parent usually; it is more often about your young teen wanting to have their needs met. Allow young teens some space to voice their needs and support good contact around this. At this age, it is all about making ‘dates’ to see your children.
  6. Flexibility is the key to good shared parenting. Although you may have a clear plan detailing contact arrangements, children will change over time. Even if a child is unwell or something happens in school or in the family, this can affect how they feel about contact on any given day or week. Try not to get upset if your child doesn’t want to go on contact sometimes. It can, of course, be very hard not to see your child, but maybe the plans can be adjusted – a shorter visit such as just going for something to eat or, if your relationship is stable enough, inviting the other parent to come along for an hour.
  7. Try not to see contact as your time with your child, but your child’s time with you. Any contact is better than no contact, unless it is not safe for children. The quality of interaction with your child is what makes the difference in a good parent-child relationship.
  8. Be flexible with the other parent. Allow things to be a little free. Children will have family events and occasions with friends that they don’t want to miss. Try not to cause your child to miss out on things that are important to them, because you want to own the contact time.
  9. It is very important that both parents are on time for contact – both dropping off and collecting. However, things can and do happen. Try to remain calm and not to see this as an insult to you, as often nothing is meant by it. Encourage the other parent to keep to clearly agreed times so that you and your children are not anxiously waiting.
  10. Build up contact slowly for children. Start off with short stays and fun things and then move more into normal parenting things in the home. Increase the time slowly until you have reached a schedule that works well for the child and the parents. Be open to allowing your child good contact. It can be very hard to part from your child at any time, but try to believe the other parent loves them too and trust that they will care for the child as well as you do in their own way.

Next you might like to read: 10 Ways to Positively Maintain Contact or 10 Ways to Successful Shared Parenting

LIVE Facebook Q&A with Geraldine on this topic or any parenting issue on Tuesday 25 August at 5.45pm in our NEW One Family Parenting Group which is a closed Facebook group (meaning that only members can read posts) that anyone can join. Post your questions and share your experiences.

This ’10 Ways to’ article is by One Family’s Director of Children & Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly, as part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips. You can read the full series here.

Find out more about our parenting skills programmes and parent supports. For support and information on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email support@onefamily.ie.

Parenting | 10 Ways to Plan and Enjoy Special Days With Your Child

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Special OccassionsWhen relationships break down the greatest challenge is getting past the conflict and moving on. As parents, we must remember that our children always come first. This can be hard to see when you are trying to plan for a big occasion. Many parents need ongoing support to help them to agree on parenting issues.  For big events in your child’s life it can be helpful to engage with a mediator well in advance to help ensure the day and the months leading up to it can run smoothly. Special occasions in a child’s life are often the most dreaded days for people who are sharing parenting. For many young children the excitement is taken away from such events and replaced with the worry of how their parents will get on or reach an agreement. Children may be inclined to say they don’t mind any plans offered to them as they know they will hurt one parent by objecting or agreeing.

As parents, we must remember that our children’s needs come first. It is important that we remind ourselves that we want these events to be a positive memory for our children. How can we make them a positive experience? How do we help our children get truly excited about them? Here are some tips to help you plan and enjoy these special occasions with your child:

  1. It is your child’s day, not your day. Ask your child what they would like to do. Be open to hearing what they are saying and then start planning.
  2. Children need to feel that it is safe for them to express their opinions. At times they choose to go along with their parent’s wishes as they were met with conflict when expressing their own opinion in the past. It is important that we try to reassure our children that it is safe to be honest with us.
  3. Talk with children about the plans; ask if they are happy with them. If not, ask them what they are not happy with and discuss how things can be changed.
  4. Ensure the other parent is fully aware of the plan for the day. Try to meet with them several months in advance to share your ideas and reach agreement.
  5. Although you may have a new partner, do not displace the role of the biological parent on the day. As many churches have limited space, parents should be first counted for the seat. It is important the step parents and partners respect this.
  6. Try to be generous with the other parent as these events last all day. Remember to share the ceremonies, as they only happen once, and then share the day. For some families this will mean a joint event, for others the day will be split.
  7. Involve extended family. Having a joint celebration can be great and it is great when parents can set aside their differences to do this. Ensure that all members of the family are told that the day is not about the separation, but about the child. Special days are not the appropriate time to bring up family issues.
  8. Ideally both parents will have a part in the preparations. Sometimes one parent seeks the other to pay for the costs involved but they do not want to share the experience. This is not fair. Arranging a day for everyone to go out to buy the gift or the clothes could be a great way to include all parties in the process. Try to trust each other and remain conscious of your child’s needs.
  9. At times it will not be possible to involve both parents in the child’s life. Talk with children about this and explain it to be them carefully. Often these are occasions that children start to question their identity, where they came from and why their family is the way it is. Support them to feel pride in their family unit and help them to understand the diversity of families.
  10. Enjoy the day. One successful day with your child and the other parent can really give you the confidence to do it again.

This ’10 Ways to’ article is by One Family’s Director of Children & Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly, as part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips. You can read the full series here.

LIVE Facebook Q&A with Geraldine on this topic Monday 8 June from 11am-12pm on NEW One Family Parenting Group. Join in and post your question.

Next you might like to read 10 Ways to Successful Shared Parenting

Find out more about our parenting skills programmes and parent supports. For support and information on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email support@onefamily.ie.

 

Expressions of Interest Now Open for One Family Policy Panel 2015

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Diversity TreeAre you parenting alone or sharing parenting? Do you want your voice be heard and to be part of something that matters for one-parent families?

One Family is seeking willing participants to engage with our Policy Panel 2015. The Policy Panel will consist of ten-twelve lone parents and/or parents sharing parenting who will collaborate with us throughout 2015 in creating a Manifesto of things that Government needs to change for people parenting alone or sharing parenting and their children so they can create better futures.

Panel members will be encouraged to contribute their own lived experience and personal circumstances in order to enhance and parent proof One Family’s policy papers and budget submission. We welcome expressions of interest from women and men in a variety of circumstance, such as those in education or employment, in receipt of government supports, never married, separated or divorced and living in different areas around the country. The panelists will work with us to develop polices and submissions which reflect the lived reality for one-parent families in Ireland today.

Those interested in taking part should:

  • Wish to articulate their opinions and be comfortable discussing personal experiences and opinions, and core budget issues (housing, childcare etc.)
  • Currently live in Ireland – we hope to hear from people from both urban and rural areas
  • Be able to commit to a minimum of three hours per month (a mixture of phone and online engagement with occasional meetings in Dublin 2) on a volunteer basis

Existing One Family Members are encouraged to participate though it is not not essential for a panelist to be a Member.

If you are interested in being a One Family Policy Panelist in 2015, please complete the Expression of Interest Questionnaire here by 7 January 2015 and we will contact you in the New Year.