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Grandad and Baby

10 Ways to Support Grandparents’ Relationships with Grandchildren

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Grandad and BabyEveryone who is a parent can benefit from family support. Grandparents can be a wonderful source of strength and knowledge, especially to a mum or dad parenting on their own. It’s not always possible for a parent and their child to have a Grandparent in their lives for a variety of reasons, but when it is, this is a relationship to be nurtured as it can be of great influence on a child. As part of our weekly series of parenting tips, here are our suggestions on how to support Grandparents to have the best relationship they can with their grandchildren.

  1. Invite Grandparents into your child’s life. They have a lot to offer, things you may not be able to imagine. Children like to know who they are and where they come from. Grandparents can offer a lot of history to children and support them to understand their identity.
  2. Be open to exploring how the Grandparents of your child’s other parent can be part of your child’s life. Many Grandparents seek court ordered contact now around this. Others don’t know what to do when couples separate. Explore this with them. Children have a right to contact with family unless it presents any danger to them.
  3. Support Grandparents to be just that – Grandparents!  Don’t expect them to take on too much. They have been parents in the past and now they have other challenges and avenues to explore.
  4. Allow Grandparents some freedom with treats; this is what Grandparents do!
  5. Acknowledge what Grandparents do for you and your child. Don’t take it for granted. They are not duty bound to support you to parent. Appreciate whatever they do.
  6. Do not talk badly about Grandparents in front of children, even if you’ve had or have your own relationship difficulties. They are doing their best. Children will respect others in the way you model for them.
  7. Talk with grandparents about issues you may have with them. Agree how they can support you to manage your child’s behaviour in a that way everyone is happy, especially the child.
  8. Encourage a good relationship with Grandparents. Support them to enjoy being with the children, maybe one at a time to build up relationships.
  9. Try to acknowledge that just because you ask for support you may not get it, or perhaps not in the form you had hoped. Have other support systems in place and don’t expect too much from one source.
  10. Be confident in your own parenting so you can hear the many words of wisdom Grandparents may wish to offer you. Remember that although you are the authority on your own parenting, to thank Grandparents for their thoughts, to consider their suggestions, and to make your own choices as a parent.

This week’s ’10 Ways to’ is by One Family’s Director of Children and Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly. Coming soon: 10 Ways to Encourage Toddlers to Eat; 10 Ways to Answer the ‘Where do I come from’ Question; and 10 Ways to Make the Most of Halloween.

For support and advice on any of these topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email support@onefamily.ie. Find out more about our parenting skills programmes here.

 

Image Credit: Pixabay

Water Allowances for Children of Parents Sharing Parenting

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One Family made a submission to the Commission for Energy Regulation (CER) and Irish Water regarding affordability and allowances, and highlighted the issue of allocating children’s water allowances when people are sharing parenting equally. The proposed children(s) allowance(s) and charging suggests that these allowance(s) are allocated to the recipient of the children’s allowance which is provided for by the Department of Social Protection. This, in effect, in most cases is the mother which does not recognise the dynamics of the Irish modern family and reflect that children may spend significant time in the separate homes of their mothers and fathers.

Just and fair recognition must be given to the dynamics of Irish modern families when allocating allowances associated with children’s consumption of water and that a significant number of children will spend equally as much time in the home of their father and mother.

Our submission and recommendations can be read here.

 

Parents arguing

10 Ways to Successful Shared Parenting

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For many parents sharing parenting after separation, one parent is the ‘primary carer’ and the other spends their time with their child at weekends and holidays. As part of our ’10 Ways to …’ series of weekly parenting tips, here are our suggestions on minimising stress and helping both parents to focus on keeping the child at the centre of parenting.

10 Ways to Successful Shared Parenting

  1. You will always be parents: no matter what happened in the adult relationship you will both still be the parents of your child. Allow each other to parent.
  2. Move on: get support to deal with what happened in the adult relationship and move on to a relationship which is focused on parenting your children.
  3. Communicate: it is not possible for you both to parent unless you work out how to both feel safe in communicating with each other.
  4. Parenting Agreement: work with professionals (such as our trained staff at One Family or other professional organisations) and get support to develop a parenting agreement.
  5. Respect: respect each other as parents of your child. Talk positively about the other parent to your child.
  6. Support your child: listen to your child, support them to have a relationship with both parents. They have a right to safe contact with both parents.
  7. Talk: allow your child to talk about how they feel. What is life like for them? Just listen and acknowledge what they are saying and how they are feeling
  8. Involve family: with very young children it is hard to let them go on contact visits. Try to have friends and family support you both until you feel confident the parent can manage. They may just need experience.
  9. Conflict: do not get into arguments in front of your child. Don’t talk about maintenance or other issues at handover times. Plan a time to talk when the child is not present and the impact will not affect your parenting later that day.
  10. Keep your child at the centre: it’s your child’s contact not yours. Support them to have it and to own it. Seek professional support to help with your feelings and anxieties over contact.

In cases where there is addiction, domestic violence or other similar challenges, please seek professional support before engaging in contact.

One Family offers a course to help people sharing parenting which you can find out about here. Yesterday we wrote about Coping with the End of a Relationship. You can also find additional One Family supports here or call our askonefamily helpline on lo-call 1890 662 212.

This episode of ’10 Ways to …’ was compiled by One Family’s Director of Children and Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly.

Coming soon: 10 Ways to Enjoy School Breaks and 10 Ways to Effective Toilet Training.

 

Shared Parenting Penalised by Government as Flexibilities Problematic on One Parent Family Tax Credit

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Press Release

One Family, Ireland’s leading organisation for one-parent families, reacted to the announcement of the abolition of One Parent Family tax credit with concern following the Budget 2014 announcement. Today this concern has been cemented with evidence of the government’s inability to practically and holistically respond to what One Family and hundreds of parents have been communicating since the shock announcement.

One Family wrote to every TD and publicised information based on over 40 years of experience including direct feedback based on what hundreds of parents told us following the announcement about the damaging consequences for separated Fathers and Mothers who share parenting of their children.

Karen Kiernan, CEO of One Family, comments:  “One Family warned the government that merely making the Single Parent Child Carer credit available to one or other separated parent will cause huge problems and we predict that there will be heavier court use, family conflict and use of the Legal Aid Board as a result. What will happen when the resident parent moves into employment and also requires this tax credit? How will it be decided who gets it? Can it be shared? Either way it continues to be an additional tax on one-parent families who were hit brutally in Budget 2012 and who are continuing to feel these effects year on year.”

Stuart Duffin, Director of Policy and Programmes at One Family states: “The removal of an in-work tax credit from parents who are negotiating the difficult job of sharing parenting is highly disappointing. The hundreds of parents who have contacted us will be very disappointed and all to save a small amount of money to the exchequer.”

The One Parent Family tax credit of €1,650 was previously available to both working parents sharing parenting after separation. It will be replaced by a Single Person’s Child Carer tax credit of €1,650 which will now be available first to the parent in receipt of Child Benefit and if not being used by them will be available to the other parent, from January 2014.  Some parents may be at a loss of over €125 per month as a result of the removal of the one-parent family tax credit and the removal of the one-parent family tax rate.

In acknowledgement that reform is needed, One Family had proposed that a Child Support & Parenting Agreement – a written agreement between separated parents on the amount of child maintenance to be paid towards the financial costs of raising their children including an agreed plan in relation to parenting issues as appropriate with be in place between the parents – be submitted when applying for the tax credit. This would help to ensure that separated parents engaged in appropriate shared parenting arrangements would be able to avail of the Tax Credit and/or allocate the credit between them.

One Family regrets that government has not listened to separated parents sharing parenting responsibly and has not accounted for the long-term outcomes of this mistaken reform which will result in increased risk of poverty for many of the fathers, mothers and children already at the highest risk of deprivation in the state today.

Concerned parents can contact the lo-call askonefamily helpline on 1890 662 9212 and email support@onefamily.ie.

 

A Mother’s Story | Losing the One Parent Family Tax Credit

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Dearbhla * wrote to One Family about the Budget 2014 announcement of the abolition of the One Parent Family Tax Credit.

Dearbhla (39) is a separated wife whose marriage broke down in 2005 after twelve years. She and her husband (49) agreed to separate on good terms and always put their son (now aged 13) first, and continue to do so. Dearbhla’s ex-husband has always voluntarily paid maintenance to support his son and they still have a mortgage on the family home.

In her own words:

“My ex-husband has a full time job and he works hard. I work part-time. I felt sick to the pit of my stomach when I listened to the budget and realised what the removal of the One Parent Family Tax Credit would do to us. My ex-husband is ill and is suffering from stress from work/financial pressure. He has said several times recently that he believes we would be better off financially if he was no longer here. His father died at sixty years of age due to a stroke, and the doctor has warned him he is heading the same way if he does not stop worrying and get his stress under control. I am genuinely concerned this will push him over the edge.

After maintenance he has to pay for rent, electricity, gas, food, etc. I have the mortgage, electricity, gas, food, school costs etc. At the moment he has no TV licence as he can’t get the money together to pay for it. He dresses himself from charity shops. This is a man who is working a full week’s work to end up with so little.

I am not in arrears in my mortgage as the one thing I fear more than anything is losing the home I have made for myself and my son. I will go without food etc. to ensure my son is fed and well looked after, and my bills are paid.   We do not drink or smoke, and as for socialising, I cannot remember the last time I went out. The last holiday I had was in 2004.

We have nothing left to give.

When I say nothing, I mean nothing. I am pleading with the government to not let this huge cut to our family go through and to try to understand the extra costs a separated couple endures. We are simply honest, decent people who have always tried to do the right thing.”

One Family is extremely concerned by the Budget 2014 announcement of the replacement of the One Parent Family Tax Credit with a Single Person Child Carer Tax Credit. To read more and to download a pro-forma letter that you can adapt to send to your TDs about this issue, please click here.

The group Irish Parents for Equality are calling for signatures to a petition which can be found here.

* No details have been changed apart from the name of the mother