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Parenting | Parent Self-Care

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parent self careThis week’s ’10 Ways’ offers tips about you looking after you. Especially at Christmas time, parents can become frazzled with all the organising and preparations. It is important to try and carve out even a small bit of time for yourself to recharge the batteries and ensure you enjoy Christmas time too. Read on for our ‘10 Ways to Parent Self-Care’.

  1. “I’m not perfect, I’m good enough” (Winnicot): Recognise that you are one person and you are doing the best you can. Give yourself a pat on the back – don’t wait for someone else or your child to or it may never happen!
  2. Routine: Have a core routine for each day of the week and stick to it. Don’t try to get everything done every day, set days out for different chores. Make sure you have time in the routine to play and interact with your children. Parents usually feel better when they have had a quality connection with their child.
  3. Eat: Remember you must meet your own needs so you can meet those of your children. The basic need to eat is really important as when we are hungry we are less inclined to have patience and the energy to deal with everyday issues and challenges.
  4. Sleep: It is easy to say sleep but it is more important to do it. Try to get children to bed early so you can be in bed early too. Aim for at least 6 hours sleep per night. Those with infants will only achieve this in a number of sessions of sleep so it is really important to try and nap during the day if you can.
  5. Stay healthy: Do not neglect your health – value your own health and well being as much as you do your child’s.
  6. Exercise: This can release the happy hormones and allow you time to think, reflect and make plans, or just breathe in the fresh air and tell yourself it will all work out. You can also use the time to chat with your child. Simply playing in the park or back garden can be good exercise and fun with your child also.
  7. Take time out for yourself: If you struggle with this, begin with 10 minutes for yourself and as time goes on, increase it. Maybe once a week you can plan a couple of hours to yourself. Be creative in how you achieve this – it will be worth the effort.
  8. Socialise: Isolation is a key issue for those parenting alone. Challenge yourself to network with other parents, join clubs or courses. Your self-esteem and confidence and that of your child’s will be enhanced with socialising.
  9. Ask for help: Ask for help whenever you can from family or a friend. They will stop offering if you never take them up on it. Children enjoy being with other people. It is good for you both to have time apart and for children to know there are other people who can care for them.
  10. Be an adult: You are not just a parent so make time for you to be you. It’s good for children to see you as a person with many roles, not just as Mam or Dad.

Read other articles from our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips. You can read the full series here.

Join Geraldine, our parenting expert, on Facebook on this and other parenting topics for a weekly Q&A live in our One Family Parenting Group which is a closed Facebook group (meaning that only members can read posts) that anyone can join. Post your questions and share your experiences.

Find out more about our parenting skills programmes and parent supports. For support and information on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email us.

 

Parenting | Shared Parenting at Christmas

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Parenting | Ten Thoughts for Parents of Children in Care

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Dad and child's handsFor a variety of reasons, challenges and difficulties, there are times for some parents when parenting can be a stressful experience which may have led to fractured parent child relationship, and we hear from, meet and support parents whose children are in care.

When children go into care, there is usually supported contact of one kind or another. Often this contact time may be as little as a couple of hours a week shared with more than one child. Sometimes for parents, this may feel almost like a performance as they are being watched. This may result in a negative experience, often in turn resulting in less contact, which may lead to further challenges for the parent-child relationship but our suggestions below are provided to support parents to engage in making supported contact time a more positive experience. Children have a great capacity to love, and especially to love parents. So even if this situation is for the remainder of their childhood, you can still have and maintain a very positive relationship with your child.

The following are our suggestions to support a parent visiting with their child in care.

  1. Prepare for the visit. Often parents’ lives are in chaos if a child goes into care. There may be a lot of personal challenges to overcome and confront. However, if you cannot prepare for contact with your child it will most likely be a difficult rather than a positive experience for anyone.
  2. Preparing means thinking about everything from planning the route, the time you need to get there, the cost of the journey, washing and having clean clothes, having eaten and rested sufficiently.
  3. Preparing is also about thinking ahead about how you will spend your time together. What age is your child, what they like to do when you are with them? Developmentally, what are they interested in? Can you bring some toys or activities with you? Can you have a special bag which you can add to over time with various activities which will support you to engage well?
  4. Engaging means talking with your child, and managing their behaviour which means you must be able to identify their needs and know how to meet them. If you are in an empty room with broken toys, you can expect that your child will get bored and may ask to leave or cry for the carer to take them out again. By planning simple activities you can engage your child which will result in positive parent child interactions and a more positive relationship.
  5. If you plan well, you can have good contact with your child; contact that will support you to feel that you can parent, that you know what your child needs and that you can work towards meeting these needs. It can help you focus on dealing with the challenges that led to this situation rather than the focus remaining on any negatives.
  6. Seek support to help you cope with the situation, such as our parent mentoring service, where we work one to one with parents to support them in many situations. The social worker you engage with is usually also your child’s. They will and have to ensure the child’s well-being; they may not always be in a position to support the parent also.
  7. Always be on time for contact and be physically fit for the session. If you feel you cannot last the planned length of time, tell the social worker this. It is much more beneficial for your child to have a shorter and positive session where you can stay engaged rather than a long session where you lose energy and possibly drift into despair when you realise what has happened for you.
  8. Stay focused on your child and when the session is over take some time to reflect on what went well and what really challenged you. Talk with the social worker about both and then try to plan ahead for the next time.
  9. Many parents see multiple children in one contact session, often because of resources. It can be really beneficial to seek one to one contact with each child also. Children need your attention and it may be more challenging for you to divide yourself between their various needs without some one to one time.
  10. Look closely at your child in these sessions and think about how they are in the care situation. Do they look well? Are they smiling? How is school going? Are they meeting developmental goals? Try to look for the positives for them; it may not be easy but the more you really look at your child and hear them and know that in the majority of cases children can really feel safe in care, the more positively you will be parenting your child.
  11. Parenting requires us to be completely non-selfish. We have to be able to put our children first no matter what. By supporting your child with positive, dependable contact while they are in care you are letting them know that, although this is extremely challenging, knowing they are safe is the most important thing that matters to you. Whether this is a permanent situation or short-term, you can still parent, and this is your opportunity to look after your needs so you can be there for your child in the best way possible.

This ’10 Ways to’ article is by One Family’s Director of Children & Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly, as part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips. You can read the full series here.

Join Geraldine on Facebook on this and other parenting topics for a weekly Q&A live in our One Family Parenting Group which is a closed Facebook group (meaning that only members can read posts) that anyone can join. Post your questions and share your experiences.

Find out more about our parenting skills programmes and parent supports. For support and information on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email us.

Parenting | Ten Ways to Use ‘Consequences’ in Parenting

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choiceWe all experience the consequences of our behaviours everyday in both positive and negative ways.

When parenting, consequences are used to support children to learn to make the right choices, the choices that will lead them to more positive responses. At times parents can forget this and start to use consequences in their parenting as punishment with little learning.

Consequences, if used well, will support a child’s learning and help them become responsible adults, making good choices most of the time, none of us are perfect!

These following tips may support you to implement consequences wisely:

  1. Never put a negative consequence in place for your child’s behaviour until you have ensured all the positive parenting behaviours are in place. These consist of praise and encouragement; positive language; assertive listening; clear and direct communication; positive reward focusing on what the child is doing well more so than on what the child is not achieving. If you feel you have mastered all these techniques and put them into practice every day then you can explore consequences as the next step to take.
  2. The greatest mistake parents make when using consequences is that they make them too big. They often cannot follow through on them. This tells you the consequence was not planned so therefore was not effective.
  3. All consequences must be planned. Children must be told in advance of the behaviour that is not acceptable and that when they choose to behave in such a way there will be a consequence. Talk with your child about what the fair consequence will be, Agree on it with them.
  4. Children have to choose and not be forced out of fear to make the right choice. When children do make good choices in their behaviour it is crucial to praise them for that. Never miss praise worthy action, they are small and meaningful at the time.
  5. Never shift the boundaries of what is agreed. If you decide on the spur of the moment on a new harsher consequence then you have lost the battle immediately and what your child will learn is that adults are dishonest and do not follow through. If your child feels they are being treated unfairly then they will not choose to behave, they will most likely choose to act in such a way as to let you know how unfairly they feel treated.
  6. Choose reasonably small consequences to start with. Take away an activity from your child such as their favourite toy for one hour- if you start with the biggest consequence then you have no room to move. Firstly remove one small but meaningful privilege and then if your child continues to choose to misbehave then remove another.
  7. Do not be ruled by your mood. Parents can often let go of behaviours when they are in good form and implement harsh consequences when in poor form. Really this is not teaching children anything other than adults have power and can use in whatever way they choose. This is not the message you wish to send to your child. If you over punish then you need to step back, apologise to your child and start over with them. Sit your child down and tell them what the issue is. Hear from your child what the challenge is for them. Then make and agree a plan.
  8. For children under three years of age it is much more appropriate to ensure you are parenting with positive rewards. Young children will not understand the consequences and will most likely just be left feeling hurt and scared. Children have to be old enough to reason with.
  9. Put consequences in place for you as a parent also. We are our children’s most effective role model. If you are not modelling the correct behaviours then talk with your child about this also. No double standards for parenting. You also need to choose how to behave. Often when we parent we misbehave in ways we never would in the work place. Give your children some power to help you recognise the negative choices you make and tell them what you are going to do about it.
  10. Team work is what families are about. Talk with each other, understand each other’s needs and work together to formulate new plans and new ways to live and learn from each other.

This ’10 Ways to’ article is by One Family’s Director of Children & Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly, as part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips. You can read the full series here.

Join Geraldine on Facebook on this and other parenting topics for a weekly Q&A live in our One Family Parenting Group which is a closed Facebook group (meaning that only members can read posts) that anyone can join. Post your questions and share your experiences.

Find out more about our parenting skills programmes and parent supports. For support and information on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email support@onefamily.ie.

 

 

 

Parenting | 10 Ways to Support Your Child On Leaving Cert Results Day

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Results DayLeaving Certificate results day … It is a day that parents and teenagers have anticipated for many months, or possibly even years. So many feelings have been generated while waiting on these results, a summer spent wondering what the future holds. For many students, they will also soon be receiving their offers of college places through the CAO. Remember – no matter what the results, life will go on and everyone will find the path that suits them best. Here are our tips on how to support your young person at this time.

  1. Take your child’s lead. If they are feeling sad, feel sad with them. If they are delighted, feel it with them. As parents, we usually want to try to ‘fix’ things for our children, but it is important not to do that and to realise that the feelings our children have, even negative ones, are the most important thing to acknowledge.
  2. Plan a special day with them no matter what the results are. Your child needs to know that you love them as much today as you did yesterday. The result is just a result and life will go on. A special day will help to celebrate all they have achieved in their school years, and show them that either way, they worked hard and deserve to feel proud.
  3. Feelings are the key area of focus this week. Your feelings and your child’s. Make no comparisons. Try not to mention what they should have done – they know. Tell them you are proud of them, talk about all the things they have been so successful at in the last 17/18 years. Talk about their strengths, keep it positive. In a few days time you can help them explore next steps.
  4. Talk with your child in the coming days/weeks. Explore all the options they have. Seek professional support from the various help lines so you know what options are out there. Maybe something will come up that was not considered before.
  5. Unless your teen is keen to return to second level and try again, accept the results and move on. The college offers will come out, maybe your child will get what they want and maybe they won’t. Talk with career guidance experts. There are many routes to the career your child hopes for. It may just mean they have an extra couple of years study to do to get there or could explore an alternate route. “Where there is a will, there is a way.”
  6. At times we can forget that the results are not ours and that they do not reflect on our parenting abilities. If you are feeling upset for your child, talk to a friend about your concerns. It is hard when our children grow up and become young adults. Watching them prepare for college, or move out of home, or take their next step into adulthood, can be a difficult time for parents.
  7. If you need some emotional support in the coming days or weeks, why not call our askonefamily helpline on 1890 662212 or 01 6629212.
  8. Allow your child time with their friends. At this stage young people can get great support from their peer group. Set reasonable boundaries with them around celebrations.
  9. Talk with other parents and agree on where teens are going, how they get there and get home. Talk with your teen about responsible behaviours. Support them to know you expect them to make good choices around what they do in the coming days.
  10. Do something fun with your child this week, help them see and feel all the things you love about them. Whether they are happy or unhappy with these results, help them smile and see all the world has to offer to them.

Find out more about our parenting skills programmes and parent supports. For support and information on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email support@onefamily.ie.

This ’10 Ways to’ article is by One Family’s Director of Children & Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly, as part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips. Next you might like to read ‘10 Ways to Support a Young Adult‘. You can read the full series here.