parenting tips – One Family

As summer winds down, it is time to start thinking about school again. For parents with young children, that means looking into preschools for your children. Sending your child to preschool for the first time is a big step in both you and your child’s life, and it is important to make sure both of you are prepared to take that step. There are many ways to see if your child is ready for preschool, and in this week’s edition of parenting tips, we look at 10 ways to prepare your child for preschool.

Sit back and look at how much your child has grown in the past 3 years. Ask yourself if you are really supporting them to be more responsible, allowing them make choices and have more control over what they want and how they do things.
Ensure your child is toilet trained and able to manage in the toilet unaided.
Ensure your child can use a spoon to feed themselves, that they can recognise their belongings, get out their lunch and tidy away by themself.
Support your child to learn the rules of friendship, taking turns, sharing, asking for what they want and being inclusive of all children.
Play school with them at home. Help them act out their fears around school and through role play help them understand what will be expected of them in preschool.
Explore with them how they need to behave in preschool and what will happen if they misbehave.
Talk with them about the other children who will be there and how they will be very friendly with some and may not really like some children. Encourage them to have time for everyone and to aim to be friendly with all the children.
Visit the preschool in advance. Understand the policies and procedures in advance as a parent and help your child know what their day will look like in preschool. There are great differences between many preschools.
Keep preschool fresh in your child’s mind over the summer time. Help them be ready for school. Help them be confident by preparing them well and encouraging them to practice at home asking questions and resolving small disputes in a positive manner
Don’t put any pressure on your child. It is not university, so relax about whether they know their colours and numbers. They will learn if they are happy and feel supported to do so.

This week’s ’10 Ways to’ is by One Family’s Director of Children and Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly.

For support and advice on any of these topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or emailsupport@onefamily.ie.

Image credit: Pixabay

One way or another children will misbehave, but understanding the reason why can give parents the opportunity to develop positive coping mechanisms to address misbehaviour and in turn develop stronger and more positive relationships with their children.

When thinking about the reasons why children misbehave it is perhaps useful to think firstly about what misbehaviour actually is.
A lot of behavior is more an expression of energy and enthusiasm than any desire to misbehave.
Misbehaviour may be the expression of the need for limits to be set.
Building healthy self-esteem requires parents to provide their children with a predictable, safe environment.
Positive attention is an essential ingredient to raising confident, happy children
A child who receives regular positive attention learns that they are a valuable human being and learns ‘I am a worthwhile, interesting person’.
Attention-seeking behaviour in children arises out of very real needs and any attention is better than no attention.
Positive attention means using positive feedback to point out to your child the things that they do well.
Be generous with praise and encouragement when it’s due.
When you reward your child with an incentive be sure to add a comment that causes your child to think about doing the right thing.

This article is part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips, and is by One Family’s Director of Children and Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly.

For support and information on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email support@onefamily.ie.

“Play date” or “playdate” is a US expression that has become popular in Ireland in recent years. Simply put, a play date is an arranged appointment between parents for their children to get together for a few hours at home. Play dates support children to form friendships, to practice their social and relationship building skills, and increase their confidence. Friendships are an important part of life, and start in the preschool years. As part of our weekly series of parenting tips, here are our tips to help create positive play date experiences for your children and you, their friends and their friends’ parents.

Play dates start with parent and child dates. Parents need to make time to meet other parents. Extend an invitation. It could start with arranging to be at the playground in the park at the same time.
Some parents are not in a position to invite your child over to play at their house. Don’t expect the invite. Play dates are for your child’s development and they don’t need to get invited to other homes all the time. They will be happy for it to happen in their own home.
Parents need to actively engage in play dates. Children need support to play well with other children. Always remain in the room with young children and as your child gets older, continue to fully supervise and always remain within earshot with doors open.
Talk with your child prior to a play date. Agree what games will be played, what toys they are willing to share and in what parts of the house they will play in.
Help children engage well in the games, both your child and the visitor. Support them to solve problems rather than you making the decisions. You are responsible for the visiting child’s well-being so you must protect their feelings also.
Make sure you have the contact numbers of the visiting child’s parent/s or guardian. Be aware if they have any special needs or dietary requirements.
Play dates are about play so avoid sugary treats.
Praise your child after the play date. Tell them how well they did; be specific about what went well. Later talk with them about what did not go well and plan what to do differently next time.
Be aware of how you deal with behavioural issues with your child and others. Be assertive in how you communicate with children and ensure they experience positive interactions in your home.
Talk with the other parent if things are really not going well. Both parents will need to work together to support young children to play well. Don’t make judgements on children; they are young and have so much to learn. Our job as parents is to help and support them, not judge or condemn them.

This week’s ’10 Ways to’ is by One Family’s Director of Children and Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly.

For support and advice on any of these topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email support@onefamily.ie.

A family ritual, or tradition, is a practice within a family that has special meaning to family members. Family rituals provide a sense of belonging and continuity. They bring families closer together. It is often hard in our day and age to escape the pressures and daily stresses that make up our lives, but having rituals creates an opportunity for children to feel secure. Family routines and rituals not only improve family relationships, they also improve health and emotional well being, particularly for children.

As part of of our ‘10 Ways to‘ series of parenting tips, here are some ideas to help you in developing family rituals and traditions for your family.

Think simple, not extravagant. An example of a simple and easy ritual is to eat together at least once every week.
Set aside time each week. Create a time where you and your children can be together to play.
Create your own special activity. For weekends, birthdays or celebrations, decide with the family how you really enjoy celebrating these occasions and go with that.
Include your children in the planning.
Create rituals that are meaningful to the whole family.
Be different. Don’t be afraid to start a new or different kind of family tradition.
Celebrate success. Acknowledge achievement within the family.
Don’t be a perfectionist. There’s no need to stress if it does not work out exactly the way you envisaged and planned. Things go wrong sometimes. A sense of bonding between the members involved is still created.
Create a Family Event Jar. A family jar or box is a decorated jar used to save for the next big adventure. Decorate it with pictures and words of places you want to visit or have visited, or activities you enjoy. The jar becomes a daily visual reminder for all family members of something to look forward to.
Rituals and traditions are something for all family member to enjoy together. Don’t fight your natural inclinations. You probably won’t stick with a tradition that isn’t working for all members of the family.

One Family offers a range of training options to help parents and guardians to build on their parenting skills which you can find out about here.

This week’s ’10 Ways to’ is adapted by One Family’s Director of Children and Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly, from our Family Communications training programme.

For support and advice on any of these topics, call askonefamily on 1890 66 22 12.

Image credit: Freedigitalphotos.net/arztsamui

Parenting can bring many challenges and when you are stressed these challenges can seem even more difficult to face. Here are some tips on how you can manage your stress levels and teach your children that while it may be unpleasant, stress is a part of everyday life. However, it is also important to show them how to manage stressful situations and to help them develop their emotional strength in order to cope with life’s challenges.

It is vital that parents learn to manage their stress and to develop strategies for dealing with difficult life and relationship issues.
When parents cannot manage their stress this rubs off on children and they can become stressed or depressed.
Learning the importance of support and the strength inherent in being able to ask for help is a skill that will take parents a long way.
Children can also become stressed in their own right so parents can model good stress management for their children.
In order to feel good about ourselves we need others to care about and care for.
Knowing what help is out there in times of stress can bring a real sense of relief.
Each of us needs a support system and this can come in many forms. Family members and even just one close friend can make all the difference to our emotional well being.
Parents with children of similar ages can provide excellent support for each other through the mutual sharing of experiences.
In order to parent well you need to be a good parent to yourself. Minding yourself is the key to keeping your stress levels down.
Keeping a focus on your child’s well being can also have a diminishing effect on your own stress levels.

Find out more about our parenting skills programmes and parent supports. For support and information on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email support@onefamily.ie.

With a young child, one of the most trying times can be night time. We all expect to be awake with babies and infants, but what if your child is 3 years of age and still waking you at night? Parents and children need their rest after a long day of work, school, or play, although sleep is often interrupted by a cry for help from another room. As parents, it’s impossible to ignore our children, yet we all need a good night’s sleep and we want the same for our children as well. Not getting enough sleep can affect how we parent and many other aspects of our lives. We explore 10 Ways to Survive Sleepless Nights.

If you know to expect that your child might call you during the night, it’s best to just accept it rather than dread it, as children will pick up on your anxiety.
Try to get to bed yourself very early at least 3 nights a week – even if you don’t really feel like it – so you can get hopefully 4-5 hours of continuous sleep before the first call from your child.
Stay calm during the night. Remember that it’s okay to forget the rules at times. If they will sleep well in your bed take them in, or get into bed with them if you can. A double bed for young children can be great if you have the space; at least you’ll have room then!
Talk with your child during the day about sleeping. Praise them if they sleep well and try to encourage them to call you when it starts to get bright, not when it is dark. Encourage self-soothing such as cuddling up with favourite teddy bears. Be extra generous with praise for any attempt they make to sleep better in their own bed without calling you. Talk to them about how sleep fills them up with energy for the next day and how they need it for the busy day ahead of them. Help them to understand and like the idea of sleeping, and talk with them about why parents need sleep too.
Try to ensure that during the day (not at bedtime), that you talk over things that are happening with them too. All kinds of things can play on your child’s mind that you might not be aware of: new home, new baby, getting in trouble, starting school etc. Dreams can wake them with anxiety.
If you live with another adult take turns to get up to the child – take every second night – then at least you are both getting a good sleep a few nights every week.
What if you have two children waking in the night? If safe to do so, and you have a big bed and side rails – and you have not been drinking alcohol or are impaired in any way – it can be good to take them on a sleepover into your bed on occasion. This could mean you all get to sleep till morning, or at least the early hours.
Try not to focus on how little sleep you get. Remember that a lot of parents are in the same situation. Think about how you might be able to incorporate opportunities for sleep into your own routine. If you travel on public transport, perhaps take a nap on the bus or train; or have one in the morning at home if your child is at creche or school. Explore if anyone can mind your child once a week for a few hours during which you can look forward to some sleep; for example, arranging rotating play dates with another parent.
Build some positives into your day. For example, look forward to some nice breakfast to give yourself a boost to get going. Something like fruit and yoghurt doesn’t have to cost much or take a lot of time to prepare. When we are really tired, we can feel somewhat low, especially if we’re parenting alone without many opportunities to plan for some sleep for ourselves; so it’s very important to actively build in these little positives to our routine.
Support your child to sleep well by following a bedtime routine and providing them with a restful space. What is the room like that they sleep in? Do they like it? Do they have cuddly teddies they have a good bond with during the day? Have they a night light? Is it a calm, secure, peaceful area?

Along with this post, you might like to also read ‘10 Ways to Establish a Bedtime Routine.’

’10 Ways to’ is by One Family’s Director of Children and Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly.

For support and advice on any of these topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email support@onefamily.ie. Find out more about our parenting programmes here.

Image credit: Pixabay

When someone in the family or community dies, children are at times kept away from it. Death is a very normal part of life and children, like adults, need to know and understand what is happening, at an age appropriate level of course. They also need closure and support to deal with the loss.

Many children’s first experience of death is that of a pet; it can be great for this to be a first experience as no matter how upsetting the loss is, it will not be as great as that of a family member.

When talking with children about death:

Tell them the truth, someone has died, they will not be able to come back. Talk with them about where you believe they go to after death.
Allow children to ask questions, although you may be very upset at this time, children need information to cope with the death. The more details they have the easier it can be for them. They will want to know how they died and why. You may not have all the answers and tell them if you don’t.
Allow children be part of the funeral and days leading up to the funeral. Allow them time to look in the coffin when it is quiet. Allow them to examine the dead person and put things into the coffin with them, if they wish to.
Bring them at a quiet time, not the first time you visit the coffin, allow yourself some space to grieve and then allow your child time with you.
It is okay for children to see you upset. Sadness and grief are part of our human emotions. Children need to know we have them and your role is to support them to cope with these feelings.
Always tell anyone working closely with your child about the death so they too can support the child in the weeks and months ahead.
Children will continue to ask questions for what seems like forever. Be patient with them and give them permission to talk and share memories of the dead person.
Start your own traditions around how you will remember the dead person. Will you visit the grave, let off a balloon every so often, look at photos and talk about the good memories. Children don’t want to forget, so even though this may be hard for you to cope with at times when you need to get on with things, tell them it is okay to talk and remember, even if it does make you sad.
If a child loses a sibling or an unborn sibling, share this with them. Create memories for them. It is very important that you can talk with them about this. They will know something has changed in the family, in you. It is important that as a child they know what has changed. We often want to protect children from terrible things that happen, but keeping them as part of the unit, close to you and helping them understand, is much more beneficial for them long term. Finding out as an adult about such things can be more heart breaking.
Children will go through the stages of grief just as adults do. Support them and if at any stage you feel they need more support than you can offer, seek professional support for them through programmes such as Rainbows, Seasons of Growth, Play and Art Therapy and many other services.

This article is part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips, and is by One Family’s Director of Children and Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly.

It can be daunting when your baby is born and you start to think about how to tell them that their other parent does not want to be part of their life at that time, or maybe never. However, it is best to introduce this concept from day one. This way you do not allow any confusion to creep into your child’s life.

Here are some tips on how you can do this:

At the registration of your child’s birth, you can add the father’s name to the birth certificate. In time your child will see this and you can talk with them about their father. Children always want to identify with family, who they look like and where they came from.
Have a picture of your child’s other parent in their room or in their baby book, if possible. You may find this very hard to do, but at least if the image exists you can explain who that person is as the child grows up.
If possible, inform the father of the child’s birth and invite him to send something to the baby. Something you can keep to show the baby that they acknowledged the birth.
Try to inform or involve the absent parent’s extended family from the birth of your baby. This can be very hard to do when relationships have broken down, but along the road at least you can tell your child you made every effort to ensure they knew where they came from.
Have a short story in your baby book about how you met their father and how you felt when you found out you were pregnant. Talk a little in the story about how you understood the father felt too. Try to stay positive. Children never usually want to hear anything negative about a parent, even if they are completely absent from their life.
As well as a photo in the baby book of their other parent, you could write some things in about your baby’s absent parent such as their full name, birthday, what s/he liked to eat, their hobbies etc. Give an example of something you liked about them. Whatever you feel you would like to share do, without going too deep into what happened between you as a couple.
As your child grows in this age range, try to drop comments into conversation about how they may remind you of their other parent – positive things only. Try to open up conversation with them about their father. If things come up in a story book or in conversation with other parents about dads, use this as an opportunity to remind them that they also have a father (or mother, depending on your family’s situation).
If you enter a new relationship be very clear when meeting new people that your child is your son or daughter and this other person is your partner, e.g. saying ‘Kaela is my daughter and Simon is my partner’ instead of leading them to believe it is ‘our daughter’. So many people fall into this by error.
Remember, children don’t have to hear something to think it is real. Often by not hearing anything to contradict an idea they have formed can lead them to believe it to be true.
Do not at any stage support or encourage your child to call anyone who is not their biological father ‘daddy’. This can lead to great hurt and confusion as they get older. Children always discover the truth, one way or another.

This ’10 Ways to’ article is by One Family’s Director of Children & Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly, as part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips. You can read the full series here.

Next you might like to read: 10 Ways to Positively Maintain Contact

Find out more about our parenting skills programmes and parent supports. For support and information on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email support@onefamily.ie.

Becoming a big brother or sister can be very exciting for many children, and at the same time a little scary. They may be wondering how life will change for them in both positive and negative ways. Some children as they get older prefer being an only child, while others long for a sibling. In this article we will explore what it means for children when one parent has a new baby – meaning they are now the big brother or sister – and what issues this can raise for children from separated families.

Often very young children don’t understand what is happening until the baby arrives home and they see their parent holding it. At times they think the baby will be going back to where it came from, and it can be a shock when they realise the baby is staying and maybe even sleeping in their old cot.
If the baby will not be living with the child full-time, it can create a variety of responses from the child. The child may be very keen to stay with the new baby, to protect it. It can feel like it is their baby at times. So parting and returning to the other parent may be very difficult for them.
For other children, the new baby may pose a treat. Now they have to share the parent not only with a new step parent/partner but also with a new sibling. When will they get quality time? This can cause a feeling of unsettlement for children of all ages.
It is important for all the parents – both biological and step-parents – to try and build in quality time with the first child. It is crucial to help them see they have a very valued place in the family and that their needs are still very important.
Children can at times feel abandoned and neglected during separations, particularly at times when adult needs become more prominent and take over. Hopefully by the time a new baby is arriving, things will have settled down and children are feeling more secure in the new relationships that have formed. It is key when a new baby arrives to ensure that the child does not again experience these feelings, whereby their needs were not at the forefront of family life.
It is important also to give your child good, positive language to describe the changes in their family to friends and other family members. ‘Half brother’ or ‘Half sister’ are not the most preferred terms as a person they describe would not feel happy about being ‘half’ of something. It may be better to just support them to say they have a new sister/brother. Then they can go on explain that Daddy or Mammy have this baby. As parents, we can help our children to understand blended families as they get older. Once they have an understanding and a positive experience they will flourish.
Help the child to understand their unique bond with this child. I know it can be hard for parents to accept when the other parent moves on and has more children, but the baby exists and will always have a bond to your child. Try to be open and support the relationship. Try not to see this as a threat.
Often parents and older children ask why the other parent had more children. They may feel they already struggled to have time for the first born, but this is life and things are not always planned or thought out. There may be issues around maintenance as now money has to go further to support the new baby. Your child may be getting less. Again you may need to sit and talk with the other parent about the impact this will have and try to reach agreement, as the courts will usually allow a person provide the best they can for each child. The first born will not get preference.
The quality time a child shares with the other parent may be reduced when a baby is born. You would hope this to be very temporary, as otherwise the older child is being set up to resent the new baby. As parents, it is up to us to try not to give one child less attention when a new baby arrives. This can be difficult, maybe you can try and get others to help with the newborn. This will allow you time to support your older child to know they are very valued within your life and extending family.
When children are having time with the other parent, we can expect that it will be one to one time. Parents may request the new child not to be part of this time. While it is important for children to have one to one quality time with parents, we must remember that children also need to be immersed into their parent’s new family form. It will be hard for them to understand and adjust, no matter what the age, but if this is what the family is going to be, then why try and make it different? At times it may be for the parents’ benefit to exclude other new family but really children can often adapt positively and smoothly to new experiences. What matters most is how they are parented and supported with the changes. It is about keeping their needs central, and for both parents to have a focus on meeting the child’s needs first and foremost.

Next you might like to read: 10 Ways to Address Sibling Rivalry

LIVE Facebook Q&A with Geraldine on this topic Tuesday 21 July from 10am-11pm in our NEW One Family Parenting Group which is a closed Facebook group (meaning that only members can read posts) that anyone can join. Post your questions and share your experiences.

For many parents it can feel like you are on a treadmill that is never switched off. On Monday you might be asked, how was your weekend? You look in amazement at the person and try to think, the weekend, when was that? Whether sharing parenting, parenting alone, when your children are very young or teenagers, it never stops. Keeping on top of it all is very challenging and we often forget to be mindful of our own well being. We laugh at the though of it. Obviously the person who coined the term ‘self care’ has no children!

But here it is again – self care. If you can’t find the time to look after yourself and your needs, what type of parent will you be? You may be coping alright now, but how long until the batteries run dry? We all have areas in our lives that are not going too well, sometimes it is because we don’t have the energy or time to put into them.

This summer, could you take on the challenge of trying to do one thing for yourself each day? It is just for you now, but really it is an investment in your ability to parent and thus in your children. They need parents who can stay on the treadmill for a very long time.

Here are some ideas to help get you started:

Take a 30 minutes walk, once a week: on your own ideally or bring the buggie if you must. It helps clear the mind and keep you feeling energised. This will also give you time to see the world and possibly bump into the neighbours for a chat.
Read a book that is not about fairies and princesses and superheroes. Can you find an hour a week to read a chapter? Connect to the adult world around you. It is amazing how we forget it exists. This will also give you something to talk about. We often think if we did meet someone, what would we talk about? Our lives are so focused on our children, it’s easy to forget how to have adult conversations.
Join a parent and toddler group. Even though children are with you, it allows great opportunities to talk with other parents and possibly widen your social circle. Some groups are great at organising trips and events. Check in with your local community center, community bulletin/newsletter and even the local shop notice boards to find groups near you.
Use a drop in crèche for one hour a week. Can you budget to allow yourself one hour off a week? You can just sit and think, plan, read or drink coffee. Basically, this is one hour for you to stay still.
Can you arrange for a relative to take your children once a month? One day off or if you are really lucky one night off is a great opportunity to recharge the batteries. A night of undisturbed sleep does wonders for the body and mind. Then you will feel ready for the children again when they return.
If your children go to their other parent, can you do things in this time for yourself? Many parents use this time to cook, freeze dinners, clean and get ready for another week. Even though this will make the next week run smoother it does not really count as time spent for you. Think about what hobbies you had as a child, or something you wished you had done. Can you join a club – a walking club, book club, hobby or maybe even a study group? Have you had time to think about what you want for you?
We take a lot of time to plan what our children will eat. Have they eaten their 5 a day? We challenge the other parent to reduce the intake of junk food. But how often do you look at your diet. Can you take some time to plan your 5 a day? You are your child’s best role model after all.
Can you arrange a babysitter club? It does not have to be at night time as it depends on what you enjoy doing. Can your friend take your child for a few hours to allow you some time and then you do the same for them?
Many parents buy too many clothes for their children. Do they really need all these clothes? Do they notice what they wear? Why not put some time in to your own wardrobe? What could you do with getting? At times we avoid going out and about as we feel we have nothing to wear. It would be a great resource for your child to have a parent who is confident in how they look.
Ask for help. Parenting is very challenging no matter what form your family takes. Seek out supports. Access professional parenting supports like parenting courses or one to one mentoring – One Family have parenting supports available in many locations both in Dublin and in other. Don’t go it alone when others would love to be invited to join you. (See below for more information on One Family parenting supports.)

This summer take time for you. It may seem selfish at first, but your children will be the ultimate winners when you succeed.

Next you might like to read: 10 Ways to Parent Self Care

LIVE Facebook Q&A with Geraldine on this topic Tuesday 14 July from 10am-11pm in our NEW One Family Parenting Group which is a closed Facebook group (meaning that only members can read posts) that anyone can join. Post your questions and share your experiences.

Having a step parent is a very normal part of life for many children in Ireland today. Often children hear about step mothers in fairy tales and the picture painted is not one that would excite you. In order for children to have a good relationship with a step parent they need to be supported in the following ways:

While it may not be your ideal situation that your child has a step parent, in order for them to feel safe and secure in the relationship you must give them permission to have a relationship with this person.
Many parents can feel that a step parent may try to take over their role. This can lead to the parent fighting against the relationship and making life somewhat more difficult for their child. If you can be confident in your relationship with your child then there is no need to worry about anyone trying to take your place.
Remember that children need adults and good positive relationships in their lives. The step parent, if allowed, can be a very supportive person for your child. If they are spending periods of time with this person then they need to be able to talk with them, share worries and seek support. The biological parent most likely won’t always be there, so the more people around to support your children the better.
Try to form a relationship of respect with the step parent. It can be very hard for children to have a good relationship with someone they don’t see their parent engage positively with. Talk with your child’s other parent about how you can both take steps to ensure the relationship with the step parent is one based on respect. In the case of infidelity, this can be very difficult, but we must always try to think about the best interests of our children.
Allow your child to talk about their time with the other parent and the step parent. Acknowledge what they do with your child. Try to say positive things about the step parent. By not talking about them at all you are very clearly letting your child know you have no time for them. Ask yourself, is this fair on your child considering they have to live with the step parent part of the time?
It might be nice to arrange for all of the parents, step and biological to go out once or twice with the children. Blended families are a common feature in Irish society. Children can and do have wonderful experiences in blended families.
As family life moves on after separation and step parents become a more permanent part of your child’s life try to accept them fully and acknowledge with your child the part that the step parent plays in their life.
Remember the other parent may be the first one to introduce a step parent to your child, but in time you could also be with someone new. What type of relationship would you like your child to have with your new partner?
If the step parent also has children, then your child has more to deal with. When sharing time with the other parent your child will need your support to explore how they want to engage with the other children who live with them. Is it okay for them to be good friends? They will need to learn the rules of sibling rivalry if they have not any biological siblings. They may also need support around sharing their parent with other children. This may be hard for them if they already feel they don’t have enough time with that parent.
Good stable adult relationships are very valuable for your child to witness and be part of. It can offer your child great stability and help to build up their confidence. It is really good for children to see their parents in good positive relationships. Part of life is learning that not every relationship is good and not every relationship lasts forever but it should not stop you from engaging with people and giving new relationships a chance.

Next you might like to read: 10 Ways to Sensitive Integration of a Step Parent

LIVE Facebook Q&A with Geraldine on this topic Tuesday 7 July from 11am-12pm in our NEW One Family Parenting Group which is a closed Facebook group (meaning that only members can read posts) that anyone can join. Post your questions and share your experiences.

School tours can be a time of great excitement for many children and one of dread for many parents. The cost may be one issue, but especially for those with younger children it may be the first time you have allowed anyone take your child on a day out. It is ok to feel anxious about placing your trust in the childcare team to take good care of your little ones. Managing your own anxieties is the key to supporting your child to go on these trips with ease.

Don’t panic.
Children are very sensitive to our tone of voice, even if we are saying something positive; if our tone is nervous our children will pick up on it.
Talk with the school to check out the details of the trip. Where they are going? What bus is taking them? Does it have seat belts? How many adults are supervising? What is the missing child policy/accident policy? Having this information can help you to stay calm and not fear the worst.
School trips are a great way for children to build up their confidence. Even if you are worried, tell them it is ok for you to worry a little, but that you trust them.
As parents, it is important that we let our children know that we trust them to be responsible. Give them some examples of how they have already shown that they can make good choices. This will reinforce their confidence.
Remind them of the key rules: stay with your friends, no wondering off, wear your seat belt and listen to the teacher. When children come home from the trip take the opportunity to praise them for being so brave and responsible.
Each year the trips get easier, especially during primary school years. When the overseas trips come up in secondary school you may be back to square one again.
Remember how responsible your child can be. Trust that children/teenagers do make good choices every day. This is your guide to allowing them take the next step of overseas trips. We have to remember to stay calm, see the advantages these trips give to your child and use it as time to recognise how much they are growing up and how capable they are becoming.
Talk with your children about the trips, children like detail as much as adults do. Young children may want to know about practical things such as; where will the toilet will be? What they will do if they have an accident of any sort? To help ease these worries, pack the bag with them so they know what they have e.g. change of clothes, food, drinks, tissues etc.
If you are feeling very anxious you are probably not the only one. Try talking to other parents that morning and do something together to help distract you from the worry. This may be a good opportunity to form new friendships and support networks.

LIVE Facebook Q&A with Geraldine on this topic Monday 15 June from 11am-12pm in our NEW One Family Parenting Group. Join in to post your questions and share your experiences.

Next you might like to read 10 Ways to Keep Your Child Safe When Out and About

When relationships break down the greatest challenge is getting past the conflict and moving on. As parents, we must remember that our children always come first. This can be hard to see when you are trying to plan for a big occasion. Many parents need ongoing support to help them to agree on parenting issues. For big events in your child’s life it can be helpful to engage with a mediator well in advance to help ensure the day and the months leading up to it can run smoothly. Special occasions in a child’s life are often the most dreaded days for people who are sharing parenting. For many young children the excitement is taken away from such events and replaced with the worry of how their parents will get on or reach an agreement. Children may be inclined to say they don’t mind any plans offered to them as they know they will hurt one parent by objecting or agreeing.

As parents, we must remember that our children’s needs come first. It is important that we remind ourselves that we want these events to be a positive memory for our children. How can we make them a positive experience? How do we help our children get truly excited about them? Here are some tips to help you plan and enjoy these special occasions with your child:

It is your child’s day, not your day. Ask your child what they would like to do. Be open to hearing what they are saying and then start planning.
Children need to feel that it is safe for them to express their opinions. At times they choose to go along with their parent’s wishes as they were met with conflict when expressing their own opinion in the past. It is important that we try to reassure our children that it is safe to be honest with us.
Talk with children about the plans; ask if they are happy with them. If not, ask them what they are not happy with and discuss how things can be changed.
Ensure the other parent is fully aware of the plan for the day. Try to meet with them several months in advance to share your ideas and reach agreement.
Although you may have a new partner, do not displace the role of the biological parent on the day. As many churches have limited space, parents should be first counted for the seat. It is important the step parents and partners respect this.
Try to be generous with the other parent as these events last all day. Remember to share the ceremonies, as they only happen once, and then share the day. For some families this will mean a joint event, for others the day will be split.
Involve extended family. Having a joint celebration can be great and it is great when parents can set aside their differences to do this. Ensure that all members of the family are told that the day is not about the separation, but about the child. Special days are not the appropriate time to bring up family issues.
Ideally both parents will have a part in the preparations. Sometimes one parent seeks the other to pay for the costs involved but they do not want to share the experience. This is not fair. Arranging a day for everyone to go out to buy the gift or the clothes could be a great way to include all parties in the process. Try to trust each other and remain conscious of your child’s needs.
At times it will not be possible to involve both parents in the child’s life. Talk with children about this and explain it to be them carefully. Often these are occasions that children start to question their identity, where they came from and why their family is the way it is. Support them to feel pride in their family unit and help them to understand the diversity of families.
Enjoy the day. One successful day with your child and the other parent can really give you the confidence to do it again.

LIVE Facebook Q&A with Geraldine on this topic Monday 8 June from 11am-12pm on NEW One Family Parenting Group. Join in and post your question.

Next you might like to read 10 Ways to Successful Shared Parenting

There are often complex reasons behind why a child is bullying. A child who is bullying usually has some unmet needs at home or at school. They may be confused about why they’re behaving the way they are. Some children who bully may be aware of the harm their behaviour is causing but feel powerless to change it, while others may not have any awareness or consideration of how their behaviour affects others. It is nesecessary for a parent/guardian to spend time talking with the child in a calm, open and honest way to get to understand the reasons behind their bullying behaviour. They must be supported also to understand the effects of their actions and that bullying is never acceptable. As part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips, here are 10 ways to support a child who is bullying.

Punishment is not the answer to dealing with a child who is bullying. They need support and encouragement to understand what is happening for them and most often they need change to start within the family and for parents to be honest about how they are parenting.
Ask yourself why your child needs to be a bully. What needs are being met by bullying behaviour? How can these needs to be met in a more positive way?
Is your child a bully in the home or just in school or vice versa? Why might this be the case? Children need space to have their voice heard in the home and to have choices and some level of control over what is happening for them in their family. If a child has no voice in the home, they will often need to find a space where they do. This can lead to them needing to take control in situations where they can. We all have a need for control at some level.
Explore how you are parenting your child. Are they involved in decisions in the home, what is your style of parenting? How assertive are you in having your needs met?
Explore what type of communication takes place in the home and what type of boundaries are set. We all have needs and it is important to explore how people look for needs to be met within your family unit.
Talk with your child if you feel they are bullying. Be open to it, they are doing it for a reason and usually have some unmet needs. Explore with them what is missing for them. How are they feeling about themselves in school and in the home? Help them to understand how bullying is harmful and the effects it can have on others. Be accepting of what they say even though you may not always like it.
Role model for your child. Be respectful of them. Help them have their needs met in an appropriate way. Make requests of them instead of demands.
Use positive attention to support their positive behaviours. There will be many. Try not to focus solely on areas of challenging behaviour. If they have challenges, how are they being created for them?
Support your child to explore how they feel and how they can express anger, resentment, jealousy and other emotions without hurting others.
Get extra support for your child if necessary. Communicate with the school. Play and art therapy can really support a child to find their voice and express what is happening for them in life. Children have stresses and pressures also. Don’t presume that because they are a child, life is great.

Next you might like to read: 10 ways to Improve Your Child’s Self Esteem

LIVE Facebook Q&A with Geraldine on this topic Monday 1 June from 11am-12pm on NEW One Family Parenting Group. Join in and post your question.

Travelling anywhere by any means with young children can be a challenge. These tips are intended to support you when travelling mostly on a bus or by train with young children.

Boredom. Try to understand how boring the trip may be for your child. How can you make it less boring? You may feel you are also bored and that is just the way it is, but try telling your young child that and see how far you get.
Distraction. Try to have lots of things in your bag that you can use to distract your child. Maybe have something like a doodle board that they only get when on the bus. You will be surprised how many small toys and gadgets you can take in your bag.
Feed them. Often children can be hungry and thirsty when travelling. Maybe you were rushing to leave the house and they didn’t get to eat. Have simple snacks with you or a little lunch box with some small bites in it. Try to steer clear of anything that will be messy or that spills easily. You may also not want your child soiled when you are getting off the bus so think clean food – raisins, apples, grapes, plain biscuit, water etc.
Engage with your child. It can be easy to sit on the bus and try to think and plan what you need to do while out. It is very hard for young children to have a parent with them who is really not present to them. Try to play games and talk with your child. ‘I spy’ can be a lot of fun. Read short stories and talk with them about what they see around them. Children generally enjoy adults engaging with them. If you are keeping them in the buggie try to position it in such a way that they can see other people. They may be amused watching others also.
Plan ahead. Before going on the trip make sure you have a solid plan of action. Talk with your child about where you are going, acknowledge it is not ideal but that you need them to cooperate with you. Build something into the trip which they will enjoy E.g. Stopping at the park to feed the ducks, playing on the swings, or some other special reward for cooperating. Let them know that you understand it is hard for them and ask them to bring something with them for amusement. If possible, try to plan a trip when your child is due to nap.
Involvement. Find ways to involve your child in the trip. Maybe they need some new paints or nappies. Talk with them about that being why they are coming. Give them a little responsibility around this task. Make a big deal of getting whatever it is. Children love things to be playful. Make it fun as much as you can. It can be fun if you just talk with them and get excited about the outing.
Your mood. If you are tired or hungry when the trip is due to happen you can be sure it will not go well. IT is important that you plan for yourself too. Take a snack with you if you can’t eat before leaving. Try not to plan trips when you are tired or children are sick.
Keep trips as short as you can. Stopping endlessly to talk with people while keeping children confined to their buggie is usually not good. Be conscious of your child’s needs. Try every hour to let them out of the buggie for a run around.
Praise. Tell your child during the trip how much you appreciate them coming with you and thank them for cooperating. Acknowledge it is hard, but that they are doing well. Remind them of their reward. Sometimes we take children for granted. We expect that they should just cooperate; this should not be the case.
When you’re done, thank your child again. Even if parts of the trip were hard, tell them about the parts they did well on. Focusing on what went wrong will not achieve anything. This is for you to think about later and to plan again for the next trip. Is there anything you can do differently? Before the next trip talk with your child again. Trust that they want to do well. Give them the reward and encourage them to work hard the next time, but support them in this.

This article is part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips, and is by One Family’s Director of Children and Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly.

LIVE Facebook Q&A on this topic with Geraldine, 23 March from 11am-12pm on One Family’s Facebook page. Join in and post your questions.

Next you might like to read: 10 Ways to Keep Your Child Safe When Out And About.

Coming up next week: 10 Ways to Support Your Children Through Times Of Change.

2015 is shaping up to be a big year for children’s rights, especially with regard to Family Law. Children are now being placed at the centre of legislation that directly affects them and their parents. Talking about your family situation can be difficult especially if you, as a parent, are struggling to cope yourself. Here are a few tips to help you to open a dialogue with your children and ease them into a secure understanding of their family.

The UN Convention on the Rights of the Child states that every child has the right to know about both biological parents.
Parents need to explain their family situation to their children in a way that fosters respect for the other parent and allows children to feel positively about their family.
Being able to talk to a child positively about their family situation allows trust to develop between a parent and a child.
Both parents have rights and with those rights come responsibilities to ensure that parents meet the child’s best interests.
According to Irish law, access (to parents) is the right of the child.
Be truthful with children and answer questions in a way that is respectful to the other parent and age appropriate to the child.
If you live with your parents and they behave like parents to your child then be honest about the real nature of the relationship.
If a new partner is like a parent to your child be truthful about the real nature of the relationship.
Use and create opportunities for talking about your family situation.
Start early and be prepared to add information as your children get older. Children are well able for the truth, they often want the facts to help them understand and feel less vulnerable.

This article is part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips, and is by One Family’s Director of Children and Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly. Coming up Next Week: 10 ways to Parent Through Stressful Times.

LIVE Facebook Q&A on this topic with Geraldine, 9 March from 11am-12pm on One Family’s Facebook page. Join in and post your questions.

Next you might like to read: 10 ways to Support Grandparents Relationships With Your Child, 10 ways to Nurture Your Role As A Step Parent or 10 ways to Explain An Absent Parent.

Play is an outlet for children to make sense of what they see, think and feel. It allows them the opportunity to express themselves, which is a vital part of their physical, intellectual and emotional development. Children can often struggle with their feelings and this frustration can lead to difficult behaviour, such as tantrums. It is important that parents take an active role in their child’s emotional development and to lead by example when it comes to expressing anger, sadness and frustration in a healthy way.

The importance of play in a child’s life cannot be underestimated. Play is a child’s work and is ‘serious stuff’.
Play helps children develop self-esteem and good social skills. It is also an important element in improving your child’s motor skills, problem-solving abilities and aids physical and intellectual development.
Can you, as a parent, spend 20 minutes a day playing, listening and talking to your child?
Our ability to feel and express our emotions helps us to stay connected with the world around us and to work through our feelings in healthy way.
Children will express their sadness and grief quite naturally given the right amount of support. Children and young people learn how to express and deal with emotion from their parents and family members.
We need fear to keep us safe. However, if children are too full of fear they will not be able to stand up for themselves or to express themselves. It is important to show children that feeling fear is normal. Tell them some of your fears and how you cope, in doing this, you enable your child to develop these skills too.
Children need boundaries around the good stuff just like they need boundaries around fear and anger.
Children’s natural impulse is to hit out when they feel angry. Adults need to be able to help children to manage and express their anger in a healthy way.
A child who displays too little anger may be open to bullying and may be seen as a bit of a ‘wimp’ and a pushover.
A child who expresses too much anger may become a bully and have difficulty in managing emotions without becoming aggressive or even violent. This can make it difficult for the child to have healthy social relationships.

This article is part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips, and is by One Family’s Director of Children and Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly. Coming up next week; 10 Ways to Talk to Your Child about Your Family Situation.

LIVE Facebook Q&A on this topic with Geraldine, 2 March from 11am-12pm on One Family’s Facebook page. Join in and post your questions.

Next you might like to read, 10 Ways to Support a Child Who is Being Bullied or 10 Ways to Support a Child Who is Bullying

Consistency is vital to teaching your children that all behaviour breeds a reaction and whether that reaction is good or bad depends on how they choose to act. Enabling them to make good choices by being consistent in your reaction is a powerful tool in handling difficult behaviour.

Consistency is one of the most important factors in successful parenting.
A child who knows that their parent always follows through on what they say is more likely to choose a positive behavior.
Making better choices makes a child’s life easier and supports him/her in developing responsibility.
Inconsistency can cause children to feel unimportant, insecure and confused.
Routines offer predictability and stability for children.
It is impossible to change all behaviours at once.
Focus on one behaviour, either positive or negative, that you would like to change.
Children’s behaviour will not change overnight. Be patient with yourself and with your child.
Remember that if you have changed your behaviour from being someone who didn’t follow through to being a parent who means what they say then it will take your child time to react to this change and bring about change in their own behaviour.
Sometimes children will respond well and quickly to change, and then gradually drift back to old ways. Do not despair, this is normal. Remain firm, calm and consistent until the new behaviour becomes the norm.

LIVE Facebook Q&A on this topic with Geraldine, 23 February from 11am-12pm on One Family’s Facebook page. Join in and post your questions.

Next you might like to read: 10 Reasons Why Children Misbehave and The Power of Positive Attention

Difficult behaviour can be tough to deal with, especially when you are already under stress. Children act out for many reasons and tantrums are often the result of frustration and misunderstanding. Here are a few tips on how to handle this difficult behaviour and to teach your children the power of positive choices.

Positive parenting requires parents to teach their children how to make good choices and to provide them with the tools to do so.
Using discipline as a tool for teaching promotes self-esteem, responsibility and good choices.
A child who learns that there are consequences for their choices will be in a much better position to negotiate the challenges of adult life than a child who does not know their limits.
It is a common misconception that in order to behave in a loving way a parent must meet a child’s every whim and allow them to express their impulses and desires without limits.
Strong, but not rigid, boundaries help children to feel safe and secure.
Tantrums are often a sign of the child becoming frustrated with the world, especially if they can’t get a parent to do something that they want.
Handled well, tantrums should decrease as the child learns to negotiate their environment more effectively.
A parent’s role is to attempt to manage and organise a child’s environment so as to minimize the causes of tantrums.
When dealing with a tantrum; speak at your child’s level, establish and maintain eye contact and give clear commands.
Tell your children what you would like them to do and why. Be Clear. Be Consistent.

LIVE Facebook Q&A on this topic with Geraldine, 16 February from 11am-12pm on One Family’s Facebook page. Join in and post your questions.

Next you might like to read, 10 Ways to make Positive Parenting Changes.

Active Listening is an important part of being an assertive parent. It allows children to express their emotions and shows your child that you are taking on board what they are saying and making an effort to understand how they are feeling about what is going on in their lives.

A child who is allowed time to think for themselves learns to have faith in their own problem solving abilities.
Parents who use active listening teach their children that they are valuable individuals who, given time, can work through and find solutions to the many challenges they may face in life.
Our aim as parents is to be assertive in how we communicate and relate to our children.
Assertiveness is a skill that is learned over time. Through patience and persistence it can transform the relationship between parents and their children.
The world can be a difficult and complicated place for children.
Active listening is the key to good communication.
Listen for feelings and try to put a name on that feeling.
Let your child clarify what feelings they are experiencing or correct you if you have got the feeling wrong.
Being self-aware is crucial to successful anger management. Ask yourself, ‘What is the trigger for this anger I feel?’
You can control your own behaviour and this will model anger management for your child, but you cannot control your child’s behaviour.

LIVE Facebook Q&A on this topic with Geraldine, 9 February from 11am-12pm on One Family’s Facebook page. Join in and post your questions.

Next you might like to read 10 ways to Improve your child’s Self Esteem, 10 ways to Be Assertive or 10 ways to Improve Listening in the Home

It is so easy as a parent to get caught in the cross fire of sibling arguments. As parents there are some simple guidelines we can follow to support our children to sort it out. As part of our weekly parenting tips series, here are our ’10 Ways to Address Sibling Rivalry’.

Never take sides. No matter what age they are or what the gap is, hear what both have to say first and then move onto the next step.
Clarify what you understand to be the issue and tell them to take steps to sort it out.
Give them a clear time line in which to do this – in the next 10 minutes, today, this week – whatever is appropriate.
If they cannot manage to resolve the issue, support them to. You are the facilitator of this issue, the mediator in a sense. Help your children identify the problem, to hear what each other think and, most importantly, feel and then ask them to offer solutions.
If they cannot cooperate in this process offer them a consequence. Tell them if they cannot agree to cooperate and find a solution then such a consequence will happen for them both. Remember – don’t take sides.
If and when they manage to resolve the issue, then praise them for doing this. If necessary ask them what they have agreed and support them to succeed in carrying out this plan.
If they can’t come up with a solution, sit them down and help them brainstorm what they can do to resolve the dispute or an ongoing issue. Get them to write down the plan if they are old enough to. Keep it very simple if they are very young.
Reward children with positive feedback when you find them playing and interacting well with each other. Often we only notice when they are arguing.
Always ensure children are safe in this process. Never leave a child at risk of harm from another. Talk with them about respect and ground rules in your family. Ensure there are no double standards in how you behave and how your children are allowed to behave.
Although you may have to support a child to be safe you should still work with each child to empower them to speak up and voice what they need to. You are not doing your child any favours by acting for them all the time. These skills they learn at home with siblings are valuable life skills they can take with them in every aspect of life. Always try to reflect on what you are teaching all your children; the ones that speak up and the ones that stay quiet or wait for you to intervene and fix things. Try not to be the “fix it” parent. Children can resolve their own issues, they just need your support to learn the skills and gain the confidence.

Next you might like to read 10 Ways to Run a Family Meeting.

This article is part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips, and is by One Family’s Director of Children and Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly. Coming soon: 10 Ways to Make Positive Parenting Changes.

LIVE Facebook Q&A with Geraldine on this topic on Monday 5 January from 11am-12pm on One Family’s Facebook page. Join in and post your question.

Find out more about our parenting skills programmes and parent supports. For support and advice on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email support@onefamily.ie.

This week as part of our ongoing ’10 Ways to’ parenting tips series, we explore stepparenting. Television shows like The Brady Bunch or Modern Family might make it seem as though it’s pretty much all plain sailing but this is usually not the case. Being a stepparent can be a very difficult role within the family. The level of complexity it brings to the family and the individual is often underestimated by every family member. However, with patience and commitment, the rewards can be immense. Read on for our advice for stepparents on this important role.

If you are the stepparent, talk with your partner about parenting. Understand very clearly how they parent and why they do it this way. Before you can actively start to support the parenting of their children, you need to agree together on the style of parenting which is comfortable for you both.
Talk with your partner about his/her children and the role s/he wants as a parent of them. It is very important to accept that children are not going anywhere; can you have a relationship with your partner and his/her children, are you ready for the challenge? Are you ready to share this person with other very important people, their children? Are you ready and aware that your partner will always have to maintain a relationship with their child’s other biological parent?
Talk with the children about the type of relationship they would like to have with you. If children are quite young, then you will most likely have to be an active stepparent when they are in your care and that of their biological parent.
Explore with children what this will be like for them. You will most likely be moving from being their friend who does not interfere to a new active parenting role. Children can be very confused by this. Explore feelings for everyone in the family. Talk with children and with each other about the challenges.
Having family meetings can be key to a happy home. Involve children in planning, talk with them about issues and problems. Enable them to have a voice and a part in implementing new ways of living together.
Children don’t like having too many people tell them what they can and cannot do. Talk with children about respect for everyone in the family and set ground rules around respect for each family member.
Children can be very lucky to have a stepparent, another person who is there for them to support them and help them through the challenges of childhood. However, building a very close relationship with the child will take time so you will need to put effort into this. Children may or may not naturally like you. You may or may not like them initially. Bonds take time to develop. Be realistic and always be patient.
It is usually very important for the stepparent to understand and empathise with the other biological parent. Try to understand what it is like for him or her. Appreciate what it is like for them having a stepparent with their children. Do you know their style of parenting, can you talk with them about the children to help you understand each child and how they respond to discipline? Respect the child’s other parent always and value their role as the biological parent of your stepchildren.
If all three parents can sit together a couple of times a year and talk about the children, what each person’s role is and how the children are coping with living within a stepparent family, everyone will benefit. Remember that children are central to harmony and the focus is on keeping them at the centre of parenting. If children are happy, then usually parents are happy.
If you are not happy in your role as a stepparent, then you need to start talking. Are you confused about your role? You may not be a parent already and now you have children who already have two parents whom you have to try and understand and parent also. This is very challenging. You should not think it is easy, it will be a constant challenge, so allow yourself opportunities to discuss your concerns with a close friend. You can also seek professional support. It can be very helpful to take a parenting course so you can learn some key skills and insight into children, and how to identify their needs. Hopefully with your partner’s support, you can meet each child’s needs as well as your own.

Next you might like to read 10 Ways to Sensitive Integration of a Stepparent.

Every family is different and many have their own special traditions at Christmas. Sometimes parents who are parenting alone, or families experiencing separation or in transition, might feel that their Christmas traditions aren’t somehow ‘as good’ as those we’re bombarded with on TV and in magazines around this time of year. Remember that those images of ‘perfect’ smiling families relaxing around roaring log fires with feasts that could actually feed twenty families are just that – images. In real life, a Christmas tradition is simply a shared experience between people who care about each other and enjoy spending quality time together. You can create your own that will be perfect for your family. Traditions provide children with a sense of belonging and continuity, and promote family well-being.

This week in our ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips, we explore some ideas for establishing Christmas traditions. Starting a family Christmas tradition for you and your child will result in happy memories that will last a lifetime. It’s simple and doesn’t have to mean spending a lot of money.

Start your traditions to coincide with the traditional Advent Calendar that every child usually loves. Very pretty Advent Calendars can be found in discount stores. You could even make your own.
Make your Christmas cards with your children. The local discount shops also offer great value in art and craft materials. Most children love being creative with arts and crafts and this can be a great way to spend quality time together.
Make Christmas cakes or puddings. Children love baking and it can be a very relaxing activity. Or you could consider buying a good value ready made cake that has not yet been decorated. You can allow your creativity to flow and decorate it together. Your children will be very excited to share it with Santa.
Do fun things together as a family. Plan a time to visit Santa and enjoy a day out. Go to the park, wrap up warm. Bring a flask of hot chocolate and see the Christmas lights lit up in the evening. There are lots of organised family-friendly activities happening all over Ireland throughout December that are free to attend and enjoy.
Allow the children save up some pocket money and set aside a time to bring them to buy little gifts for their family or school friends. Go to good value retailers and discount shops to find gifts for every budget.
Set a date to put up the tree and make sure everyone knows beforehand so they can look forward to it. Do it together as a family. Children want to share in the excitement of putting on the decorations. Help them make their own new decoration each year to add to the tree. The tree doesn’t have to be perfect, just perfect for the family you have.
Use some money that perhaps was allocated for present shopping for a day out at the Christmas panto. It should’t break the budget. From local community halls to the big stage, children will enjoy them all. These are memories that will stay with your child for ever.
Plan Christmas Eve in advance. Does it need to be so busy? Can part of the day be spent relaxing? Bake treats for Santa, have a movie morning and watch your favourite Christmas movie together. Have a ‘pamper time’ where each person has to treat each family member. There are lots of things you could do. Go for walk in the local park, enjoy the atmosphere. Visit the Christmas markets and enjoy the smells, sights and sounds. Have breakfast together as a family, think back over the year and look forward to the next.
Do something nice for you over the Christmas season. If you’re parenting alone, you need to acknowledge all you have done in the year. So pat yourself on the back this year. Your children are too young to be aware of all you do. Focus on what went well and give yourself a little treat. Arrange for a family member or friend to babysit if possible, and take some time out for you. It can be as simple as a long soak in the bath with new scented bubble bath. One day off in the year is allowed!
Try to avoid doing things because just others – whether family members or friends – expect you to. Do what suits your family and enjoy the time with them. Christmas will be over very fast and you will wonder what it was all about otherwise. Christmas is what you make it.

Next you might like to read 10 Ways to Make Christmas Stress Free, 10 Ways to Achieve Successful Shared Parenting at Christmas or 10 Ways to Develop Family Rituals and Traditions.

This article is part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips, and is by One Family’s Director of Children and Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly.

LIVE Facebook Q&A with Geraldine on creating Christmas traditions on Monday 8 December from 11am-12pm on One Family’s Facebook page. Join in and post your questions.

The term ‘absent parent’ refers to a parent whom a child has never met or has had very little contact with. Note: This is different to a ‘non-resident parent’, ‘non-primary’ or ‘secondary carer’, or when parents co-parent/share parenting of their child.

People find themselves parenting alone through a variety of circumstances. It is natural that children will become curious about their other parent and start to ask questions about them as they grow. This can be very difficult to deal with as a parent, especially if processing our own feelings of hurt, rejection, anger or grief. What is most important is to be prepared for this question, and to be consistent, honest and straightforward.

This week, our ’10 Ways to’ series becomes ’15 Ways’ as we explore how to explain an absent parent to your child.

Children will usually start to ask about their absent parent once they start school and start to notice that many children have two parents. Questions can increase as they grow – especially if they are working on family trees in school as they often do.
The best approach to take is to be brave and tell them that yes, they have two parents. Then start to tell them a little about the other parent.
You can tell them that the other parent was not yet ready to be a parent, perhaps that they were scared and choose not to do it. Reassure them that they have you and you are 100% committed to being their parent and to loving and supporting them.
There is no value in painting a negative picture of the parent who is absent for many reasons and young children don’t need negative information. Keep it simple and give the basic information they need for now. “Yes, you do have two parents, your other parent is called [their name].” Talk about any similarities the child might have to the other parent.
Take out any photographs you have of the other parent or photos with both parents. Talk with your child about when you and their other parent loved each other or really liked each other – whichever the case may be – and that you both made the child together.
Create a ‘shoe box parent’ for the child. This is a box where you can place anything which has a story about the child’s other parent. This could be photos, pictures you make together of what the parent looks like, what he or she liked to do or eat, or places you visited with them.
Talk with the child about any contact the other parent had with them and make it positive for them. When children grow up they will know the full story but for now, keep it simple. Children need to identify with both parents.
Give some thought to making contact with an absent parent if it is safe to do so. Allow the other parent an opportunity to explore some form of contact. If this can’t happen, then work with your child to help them understand that maybe the other parent will be ready to be a parent some day. Often when children are very keen to meet an absent parent, it is because they feel this parent will meet a currently unmet need. This often turns out not to be the case. Help your child to identify their needs so you can try to meet them.
Think about contact with extended family members of the other parent if you feel it is helpful for the child. Just because a person may not want to be a parent, that may not be the same for their family members. Enable grandparents in particular an opportunity to engage with their grandchild.
Always allow children to ask you many questions and talk with you. Expect that every three years or so, another round of questions will come. Be patient with your child and give them permission to talk about the absent parent and ask any questions.
Be honest and consistent and give them as much age appropriate information as you can. Often children just need basic information. They simply need to be able to say to other children, for example, “Yes, I have a daddy and his name is Jack.” Children are curious by nature so support them with this.
It may be very hard to talk with your child about all of this, but be brave, take a deep breath and do it and then get support for yourself afterwards. Remember that your relationship with the other parent and what you experienced is not what your child has experienced. Most children do not feel rejected by not knowing an absent parent, it is we as the parents who feel rejection.
Get support if you find it difficult to talk about the other parent. Many people don’t deal with the hurt and pain of the past and benefit from professional support to let go and move on. Allow life to give you all it has to offer.
If you became pregnant or a lone parent through an abusive experience or relationship, get support to deal with this. You can still support your child to have a positive healthy childhood. Children don’t need to know the circumstances of how they came to be. Talk with them about who is in their life and how much they are loved. You can explore with them what they imagine life would be like with two parents and help them further explore the negatives and positives of that life. Talk with them about how wonderful that vision is for them. Don’t try to corrode it by being negative. Tell them that you are glad they shared that with you. You can’t make it different so just be the best parent you can be for your child.
Children can grow up perfectly happily and successfully in a one-parent family, as current research shows. What they need are quality relationships with people in their life who like to spend quality time with them, people who understand them and who can support their needs. Once you can love your child and support them, they will and can be very happy and confident in their family form.

Next you might like to read 10 Ways to Talk With Your Child About “Where do I come from?”

LIVE Facebook Q&A with Geraldine on explaining an absent parent on Monday 17 November from 11am-12pm on One Family’s Facebook page. Join in and post your question.