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Parenting | 10 Ways to Relate to Your Teenager

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Relating To Your TeenagerOften parents will say they had a great relationship with their child until they became a teenager. Many of us will know every move our child makes up to the end of primary school and then suddenly they begin second level. There are many changes that you could be facing – you may no longer be taking them to school, they may be getting public buses, there is a wider catchment area for the school so you no longer know the parents. All these factors can lead to parents becoming just as anxious as the child about the start of secondary school. At this stage the key to survival is realising that you can’t control your child. Your role is to teach them responsibility and allow them the opportunity to be responsible.

Here are some steps you can take to support a positive relationship with your teen:

  1. Trust them, you have had 12 years of hand holding and now it is time to start letting go.
  2. Expect your child to be responsible. You will not know what they are capable of until you let them try. Support them to be responsible by allowing them the space to make up their own minds.
  3. Meet them where they are at. If it seems like they are not able for the level of responsibility you offer, draw back a little and start again.
  4. Talk ‘with’ them, not ‘at’ them. Try to hear what they have to say. Let them express their opinions, don’t react, just listen.
  5. Do not jump in with your answers. Support them to explore the issue they have and to come up with reasonable solutions to it. Allow them make the decision on how they move forward and address their problem.
  6. Take time to be present to them. Sit with them and watch what they like to watch. Be available to them as much as you can. The more time you spend in their company the more you will understand their world. It is more complex than you might imagine.
  7. Do not trivialise their issues. Life can be very complicated and they need your support to find their way through it.
  8. Remember, they are now growing up, in a few years they may move out. Question what you are doing with them and for them. Is it the right thing? Are you still treating them like children, but expecting them to behave like teenagers?
  9. Value what they have to say. Ask their opinion on family matters and issues within society. You may be surprised what you learn about your teenager. It is healthy to get them talking about how they feel and how they see the world.
  10. Try to say ‘yes’ to what they need and explore with them how they can achieve it. While we have to be realistic and responsible with what we allow them to have, we can also enable them to gain extra things they want. At times it can feel like our children think we have an endless supply box. As parents, we have to remember that teenagers can be very self absorbed, their world is far more important than ours, but it is how we share our worlds that decides how lifelong bonds can be formed.

Staying separate from their issues is very important. Explore with them but do not become immersed in their life. Allow them space and some freedom within reasonable limits and with clear boundaries. Enjoy your teenager, in a few short years your work will be done and they will fly off to be their own person. If you create good relationships now you can be sure they will always come back to you for support throughout their life journey.

This ’10 Ways to’ article is by One Family’s Director of Children & Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly, as part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips. You can read the full series here.

Next you might like to read: 10 Ways to Build and Maintain a Close Relationship with Your Teenager 

LIVE Facebook Q&A with Geraldine on this topic Thursday 17 September from 5pm-6pm in our NEW One Family Parenting Group which is a closed Facebook group (meaning that only members can read posts) that anyone can join. Post your questions and share your experiences.

Find out more about our parenting skills programmes and parent supports. For support and information on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email support@onefamily.ie.

Parenting | 10 Ways to Prepare Your Child for Preschool

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ABCAs summer winds down, we are thinking about school again. For parents with young children, this means looking into preschools for your children. Sending your child to preschool for the first time is a big step in both your and your child’s life, and it is important to make sure both of you are prepared to take that step. There are many ways to see if your child is ready for preschool, and in this week’s edition of our ’10 Ways to’ parenting tips series, we look at ways to prepare your child for preschool.

  1. Sit back and look at how much your child has grown in the past 3 years. Ask yourself if you are fully supporting them to be more responsible, allowing them make choices and have more control over what they want and how they do things.
  2. Ensure your child is toilet trained, and able to manage in the toilet unaided.
  3. Ensure your child can use a spoon to feed themselves, that they can recognise their belongings, get out their lunch and tidy away by themself.
  4. Support your child to learn the rules of friendship, taking turns, sharing, asking for what they want and being inclusive of all children.
  5. Play school with them at home. Help them act out any fears around school, and through role play help them understand what will be expected of them in preschool.
  6. Explore with them how they need to behave in preschool and what will happen if they misbehave.
  7. Talk with them about the other children who will be there, and how they will be very friendly with some though may not really like some children. Encourage them to have time for everyone and to aim to be friendly with all the children.
  8. Visit the preschool in advance. Understand the policies and procedures in advance as a parent, and help your child know what their day will look like in preschool. There are great differences between many preschools.
  9. Keep preschool fresh in your child’s mind in the weeks leading up to them starting. Help them be confident by preparing them well and encouraging them to practice at home by asking questions and resolving small disputes in a positive manner
  10. Don’t put any pressure on your child. It is not university, so relax about whether they know their colours and numbers. They will learn if they are happy and feel supported to do so.

This ’10 Ways to’ article is by One Family’s Director of Children & Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly, as part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips. You can read the full series here.

Next you might like to read: 10 Ways to manage Homework With Primary School Children 

LIVE Facebook Q&A with Geraldine on this topic Tuesday 1 September from 11am-12pm in our NEW One Family Parenting Group which is a closed Facebook group (meaning that only members can read posts) that anyone can join. Post your questions and share your experiences.

Find out more about our parenting skills programmes and parent supports. For support and information on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email support@onefamily.ie.

Press Release | Government Policies are Failing Poor Families: 30% askonefamily helpline calls increase

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Press Release

Government Policies Are Failing Poor Families

askonefamily helpline calls up by another 30%

One Family Annual Review 2014

www.onefamily.ie

(Dublin, Monday 17 August 2015) One Family, Ireland’s organisation for people parenting alone, sharing parenting and separating, launches its Annual Review 2014 as its askonefamily helpline continues to respond to an unprecedented rise in numbers of distressed callers. In 2014, helpline calls rose by 30%. This followed a 20% rise in 2013; and in 2015, to date, a staggering 50% increase.  This worrying trend reflects the reality for one-parent families in Ireland today as Government choices are creating more poverty for children and parents in thousands of one-parent families. These are families who have already borne the brunt of cuts since Budget 2012. These are families who simply have no resources left, yet Government continues its onslaught of activation without adequate supports as 57,000 lone parents have now been transitioned.

Karen Kiernan, One Family CEO explains: “The transition of parents in receipt of the One-Parent Family Payment (OFP) to different payments when their youngest child reached the age of seven continued through 2014 and into this year. The uncertainty and confusion around implementation of this reform process, and fear over its impacts, have contributed hugely to the increase in calls to our helpline. Our evidence shows that vulnerable one-parent families are being hit very hard. Those who are already working part-time are telling us of the catastrophic affects on their families as they experience huge cuts in income. The priority must be to work effectively to end child poverty and improve outcomes for one-parent families. Government still has the opportunity to implement policies that can achieve this.”

Stuart Duffin, One Family Director of Policy & Programmes, comments: “We have put forward our ‘10 Solutions’ campaign – actions that Government could take to make a real difference. We have continuously highlighted that the reform of the OFP is working against stated Government policy, as barriers to employment such as accessible affordable childcare remain insurmountable while the reform is forcing many out of work. For these families, homelessness is a greater threat than ever before. At any one time up to two thirds of families in emergency accommodation are one-parent families. This is shameful. It did not have to be like this. It is still not too late for Government to reverse the damage done and work positively to end child poverty.”

Research shows that a key contributor to children’s futures is not the structure of their families but living in consistent poverty.  One in four families in Ireland is a one-parent family and 58% of lone parents are employed. Only 45,000 lone parents are now in receipt of the One-Parent Family Payment. They want to work and they want to learn. The policies of activation being directed towards these families are not working. Children in one-parent families are still more than twice as likely to live in poverty. The number of children in Ireland living in consistent poverty – meaning they are living both at risk of poverty and experiencing deprivation – has risen to nearly 12%; while 23% of children in a one-parent family experience deprivation.

Karen continues: “We are stating loudly and clearly that Government must invest in Budget 2016 in a coherent package of supports and services for parents moved off the One-Parent Family Payment and onto Job Seeker’s Allowances, if it is sincere about wanting to support people who parent on their own into sustainable employment and out of social welfare. Government must also stop using atypical examples to demonstrate the so-called ‘success’ of these policies and listen to what real one-parent families, who have lost up to €110 per week from already tight budgets, are saying about this process. Budget 2016 is an opportunity for false realities to be finally discarded and the lived realities of one-parent families in Ireland to be heard.”

One Family’s Annual Review 2014 can be read/downloaded here.

Budget 2016 Submission

One Family’s recommendations for Budget 2016 are simple, low cost and cost effective; and provide a social and economic future which is based on investment and opportunity.

A package of supports for OFP recipients being transitioned must include:

  • The Income Disregard to remain at €90 for all OPFs regardless of their payment.
  • Equal access to all activation measures and in particular MOMENTUM.
  • Access to free fees for part-time education options.
  • Allow JSTA CE participants to have an additional payment of €50/week equalising it with JobBridge in recognition of family costs.
  • Provide specialist bridging programmes for lone parents such as New Futures and New Steps.
  • Raise the Qualified Child Increase to help reduce child poverty by tailoring it to the poorest families.
  • Recognise the value and costs of shared parenting by providing the Single Person Child Carer Tax Credit to each parent.
  • Adjust the Family Income Supplement so that it makes work pay for lone parents by reducing the qualifying hours to 15 hours per week and taper payment.
  • Provide a high quality accessible Childcare and Out Of School Care system.

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About One Family

One Family was founded in 1972 as Cherish and is Ireland’s leading organisation for one-parent families and people sharing parenting or separating, offering support, information and services to all members of all one-parent families, to those sharing parenting, to those experiencing an unplanned pregnancy and to professionals working with one-parent families. Children are at the centre of One Family’s work and the organisation helps all the adults in their lives, including mums, dads, grandparents, step-parents, new partners and other siblings, offering a holistic model of specialist family support services. These services include the lo-call askonefamily national helpline on 1890 66 22 12, counselling, and provision of training courses for parents and for professionals. One Family also promotes Family Day and presents the Family Day Festival every May, an annual celebration of the diversity of families in Ireland today (www.familyday.ie). For further information, visit www.onefamily.ie.

Available for Interview

  • Karen Kiernan, CEO | t: 01 662 9212 or 086 850 9191
  • Stuart Duffin, Director of Policy & Programmes | t: 01 662 9212 or 087 062 2023
  • People who are parenting alone and who have been affected by this reform process.

 

 

Parenting | Children’s Books About Families

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Finding the right books to support your child during a time of family transition, or to help answer questions that can be challenging, can be difficult.  One Family has compiled a list of children’s books which may help your child to better understand their unique family and all kinds of families.

This extensive list includes books suitable for children from the age of 3 to teenagers, with sections on Divorce and Separation; Family Types; Adoption and Fostering; Death and Bereavement; and Stepparents and Stepfamilies.

You can read or download it here.

askonefamily_200px Logo_Small_LRFor support or information on any of these topics, our askonefamily helpline is available on 1890 66 22 12 / 01 662 9212 or by email from 10am-3pm, Monday to Friday.

 

Book Covers

Angry Child

Parenting | 10 Ways to Support an Angry Child

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angry childChildren who are feeling very angry on a regular basis usually have some underlying problem that they need help in expressing.  Having to punish a child for the same repeated behaviour is telling you that there is something else going on, and it is time now to make a new plan to deal with it. Part of this new plan involves reflecting on what the actual issue is and asking why your child is feeling this anger. Ask yourself, how do they act around others? Does this behaviour only come out to you?

Here are some key steps to help you to understand why your child is so angry:

  1. Get a large page and map out your child’s feelings. Name the emotions that you see – note the day and time, what happened before hand? Ask yourself, are they hungry or tired? Did they have a certain activity in school or with their minders this day? What about siblings, what are they doing at this time? Was there contact (if sharing parenting with their other parent)? Try to create a very clear picture of what is going on at that exact time when the anger outbursts occur.
  2. You will need to keep an anger diary for at least a week if the behaviour happens on numerous occasions. Try to see what is similar in each event. What may be prompting the anger outburst? Is there something you can see that is a challenge for your child? If not, don’t give up. Keep the diary, keep questioning, and keep looking. Perhaps ask a close friend to look at it for you, maybe a fresh pair of eyes will help.
  3. The next step is to look at you. Look at all the same questions and more. What is happening for you at this time? Are you just home from work? Are you hungry or tired? Do you have company over? Is there another child over? Are you feeling stressed? Basically, you are trying to see if there is something happening for you which may be causing you to respond to your child in a way that triggers an outburst. Often we can hold on to some anger and let go of it as things improve; however one thing can be enough for you to erupt. Are you erupting?
  4. Hopefully you will have discovered something through this exercise. When you can identify the possible triggers for the anger, then you can set to work. Firstly, if your child is over 2.5 years it should be possible for you to sit with them and explain to them in simple words what you see happening for them. Name the behaviour; try to stay away from blame. You need to be a bit like a commentator of a football match. You are naming only what you see. Then ask your child how they are feeling now.
  5. Tell your child clearly what you need from them, e.g. “I can see you are really angry with me when you are not allowed to stay up late. I feel you kicking me and hitting out. I need you to have good sleep and be able for the next day. I need you not to kick me, because it hurts.”
  6. Encourage a little empathy around the feelings. What they are feeling, e.g. “I know it can be hard to go to bed, especially when it is bright and you can hear me in the kitchen. I know you have lots of stories to tell me.” Also what you are feeling: “I am tired at this time. I really love to hear your stories, but sometimes I have to get jobs done and get organised.”
  7. Make a plan to make a change. If your child is clearly telling you they want more of your time, then plan how you can make this happen. Can you add in quality one-to-one time together each day for 20 minutes? Can you have quality time at the weekends? Talk with your child, e.g. “I hear you saying you would like more time with Daddy. How about we make a calendar and put in pictures of things we can do each day and at the weekend?’”Assure your child that you will stick to that calendar, and do it.
  8. Talk with your child about how they can express anger in healthy ways. Reflect on how you deal with anger. Remember, you are their role model. Help them explore things they can do, depending on their age: jump up and down 10 times, take deep breaths, use words, have a signal, have a special place to sit. You will decide best what works in your home.
  9. When the plan is agreed, thank your child for the chat. Tell them it is good when you share and try to explore what is happening for everyone. Tell them you will talk again in a few days to see how they are feeling.
  10. Help your child to succeed in this new plan. Do not vary the plan when other things go wrong. The plan is for this behaviour only, so use it that way. If there are other issues, deal with them in similar ways but separately.

Let us know how you get on at implementing this plan. Share your stories with other parents in our new One Family Parenting Group on Facebook.

This ’10 Ways to’ article is by One Family’s Director of Children & Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly, as part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips. You can read the full series here.

Next you might like to read: 10 Ways to Improve Listening In The Home

Find out more about our parenting skills programmes and parent supports. For support and information on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email support@onefamily.ie.