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In His Own Words | Dean’s Story – When My Parents Separated, Part 2

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Boy on mountainDean contacted One Family because he wished to share his personal experience of when his parents separated. In the second of a series, this is Dean’s story in his own words. He is now 16 years old.

“But why? But what about? But how?” These questions are always synonymous with any major change in life. The thing is, your parents often don’t know the answers to the questions you’re asking. This is why they might appear dismissive and reluctant to answer you. By no means let this stop you from asking questions: you should ask, it affects your life as well. For many kids that go through this, it is often when they realise their parents are just people that they begin to understand. Your parents make mistakes, have disagreements, arguments, shout, yell and have emotions. Just like anybody else, just like you.

For a long time these questions haunted me, I just wanted clarity. As time went on, as things further developed, this need to know everything drifted away. You see, for me there was really only thing I wanted to know more than anything. “Were things okay?” That was all I wanted. I just wanted to know that no matter what the situation was, that things were okay, that people were happy.

One thing that I don’t share with many other people that have gone through this, is the feeling of guilt. I never felt as if the separation was a product of what I did, or didn’t do. I always on some level knew that it was to do with my parents’ own quarrels.

I did, however, feel the need to fix things. I think this is one of the most debilitating parts of the separation of two people you’re so close to. You just want to help, to return things back to “normal”.

The issue lies with that word, ‘normal’ … what is normal? It’s such a subjective word that it causes more harm than good.

Through all the difficulties, be it small or large, when I came to realise that ‘normal’ wasn’t exactly what’s best for me, my parents or my siblings, things got so much better. When we let go of that burden to fix things, and just concentrate on living the life we have now, things become brighter, better.

If I had to go through everything again to get to the point where I am now, where my family is now, I would do it in a heartbeat. And I think that’s what shows that a separation doesn’t always mean a destruction.

Life works out, always.

Part 1 of Dean’s story can be read here. Read Part 3 here.

Note: Stock image used.

International Women’s Day, Make It Happen

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On 8 March every year International Women’s Day celebrates the achievements of women while calling for greater equality. This year’s theme is “Make It Happen”.

In 1972, led by Maura O’Dea Richards, a small group of mothers who were unmarried set about reaching others in the same situation and founded Cherish, later renamed One Family.

Mary Robinson & Cherish 1970s

Founder member Colette O’Neill suggested Cherish as a name for the group, taken from the 1916 Proclamation which declared that Ireland would ‘cherish all of the children of the nation equally’. Mary Robinson, then a Senator, became our first President.

At that time in Ireland, single pregnant women were often thrown out of their homes, lost their jobs and were rejected by their families and communities. It was extremely difficult for them to keep and raise their children themselves. Cherish gave these women and their children a voice for the first time, empowering women to help themselves and their families.

One of the significant changes achieved by our founders as a result of many years of lobbying was the abolition of the status of illegitimacy in 1987. The organisation was, and remains, a powerful driver for positive change.

On International Women’s Day, we are proud to celebrate our brave founders. They were women who, as individuals and collectively, ‘made it happen’. We also celebrate all women who are parenting in diverse family situations in Ireland now and who ‘make it happen’ every day.

OneFamily40thCakeIf you would like to find out more about our founders and our history, you can listen to the Today FM documentary Cherish All The Children featuring interviews with Mary Robinson, our founders, and people who availed of our services over the years. Maura O’Dea Richards’s insightful and witty memoir Single Issue can be downloaded here.

One Family has a big vision: an Ireland where every family is cherished equally and enjoys the social, financial and legal equality to create their own positive futures. We continue to work hard to achieve these aims. Our current Strategy can be read here.

 

Maintenance Downtime Announcement

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DowntimeOwing to essential technical maintenance, One Family will not have telephone, email or internet services this afternoon, Friday 6 March. This scheduled maintenance downtime will continue through Saturday 7 March. All systems are expected to be fully operational by 9am on Monday 9 March.

We will respond to voicemails and emails as soon as possible after service is fully restored; but please anticipate that it may not be possible to leave voicemails or send emails to @onefamily.ie email addresses during the maintenance downtime. We regret any inconvenience that may be caused. Useful information, resources and links are available here on our website.

Minister Supports One Family on Need for Court Welfare System

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Min Frances FitzgeraldToday the Children and Family Relationships Bill moved to another stage in the Dáil as Minister Frances Fitzgerald brought it to the Select Oireachtas Committee on Justice, Defence and Equality for discussion and amendment.

Having put much time and effort into representing the needs of diverse families in this legislation, One Family attended the Committee today and was delighted to hear strong support for our ongoing call for a comprehensive court welfare system and Child Contact Centres. The Minister referenced the pilot Child Contact Centre services that One Family researched and then ran with Barnardos. She spoke about the extent of support work required with parents sometimes before contact with a child could begin.  She also discussed our policy submission on the Children and Family Relationships Bill and we look forward to engaging further to support the development of a world class court welfare system through the upcoming reform of the family law courts and the two year review of this Bill.

Read our Child Contact Centre Services Evaluation here.

Read our policy submission on the Children and Family Relationships Bill here.

Cuts to Carer’s Allowance for Lone Parents Reversed by Tánaiste – But what about working lone parents?

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Press Release 

Cuts to Carer’s Allowance for Lone Parents Reversed by Tánaiste –

But what about working lone parents?

(Dublin, Wednesday 4 March 2015) One Family – Ireland’s organisation for people parenting alone, sharing parenting and separating – welcomes Tánaiste Joan Burton’s announcement yesterday regarding people in receipt of the One-Parent Family Payment (OFP) who are also eligible for the half-rate Carer’s Allowance. That they will not now lose their half-rate Carer’s Allowance as had been previously stipulated is progress. However, we warn that Government also needs to urgently rethink how OFP activation measures are impacting on over 30,000 lone parents this year, particularly those working lone parents who will be hardest hit.

Karen Kiernan, One Family CEO, responds: “While this necessary turnaround is welcomed, the Tánaiste also referred in the Dáil debate on the Social Welfare Bill yesterday to 10,000 lone parents who are currently in employment, saying that ‘the majority will have an immediate incentive to increase the number of hours worked each week to 19’ and, being then eligible to apply for Family Income Supplement (FIS) and the Back to Work Family Dividend (BTWFD), would ‘be financially better off than their current position’.”

Karen further responds: “Sadly this statement again demonstrates the separation between Government’s perspective and the lived reality of one-parent families in Ireland today. The reality for most people is that they cannot simply demand that their employers increase their hours of employment because the Tánaiste thinks it’s good policy. This also ignores the reality that a lone parent with one child currently in employment and earning €200 per week while receiving FIS will be financially worse off by up to €38.32 per week after losing their entitlement to the OFP in July.”

Stuart Duffin, One Family Director of Policy & Programmes, comments: “This news will be welcomed by parents who provide caring supports for an adult; those who had lost their Carer’s Allowance entitlement of €86 per week last year and the 800 people who were scheduled to this year. It is a lifeline for the most vulnerable families with children who also care for family members who are ill, elderly or have special needs. It should have been just about the last thing Ministers should have considered cutting in the first place.”

Stuart continues:  “This announcement by the Tánaiste may help the rest of Government to rethink how we deliver welfare reform which is crucial for people in acute need. We know that lone parents want to work and 53% are already in the labour market.  What we keep calling for is provision of affordable, accessible, quality childcare which remains the greatest barrier to those parenting on their own in returning to the workplace or education. There needs to be a joined up plan of delivery across all Departments.”

The Survey on Income and Living Conditions (SILC) 2013 results published on 21 January this year showed that those living in households with one adult and one or more children had the highest deprivation rate in 2013 at 63.2% and the highest consistent poverty rate at 23%. Reforms and activation should not force any lone parents who are in work to have to give up their jobs.

While the Department of Social Protection has committed to clearly communicating with all lone parents affected by the changes, we are also hearing from parents about gaps in knowledge in many local social welfare local offices where staff are not familiar with the impacts of the changes to the One-Parent Family Payment. This can lead to provision of inadequate or incorrect information to lone parents and causes unnecessary worry and stress for one-parent families.

Lone parents want to create the best possible outcomes for their children. With the right policies, the right time-frame, and the right level of political will, choices can be made to enable those thousands of one-parent families suffering deprivation to grow out of poverty and achieve better futures.

One Family continues to call on the Department of Social Protection to Get It Right for One-Parent Families #GetItRightDSP.

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About One Family

One Family was founded in 1972 as Cherish and is Ireland’s leading organisation for one-parent families offering support, information and services to all members of all one-parent families, to those sharing parenting, to those experiencing an unplanned pregnancy and to professionals working with one-parent families. Children are at the centre of One Family’s work and the organisation helps all the adults in their lives, including mums, dads, grandparents, step-parents, new partners and other siblings, offering a holistic model of specialist family support services. These services include the lo-call askonefamily national helpline on 1890 66 22 12, counselling, and provision of training courses for parents and for professionals. One Family also promotes Family Day and presents the Family Day Festival every May, an annual celebration of the diversity of families in Ireland today (www.familyday.ie). For further information, visit www.onefamily.ie.

Available for Interview

Stuart Duffin, Director of Policy & Programmes | t: 01 662 9212 or 087 062 2023

Karen Kiernan, CEO | t: 01 662 9212 or 086 850 9191