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One Family’s Christmas Guide for One-Parent Families | Part II
Christmas can be a wonderful time. It can be a time when we come together to celebrate the passing of another year and to look forward to beginning a new year full of potential and possibility. It can be a time of re-connecting with our family and friends and remembering those who are no longer with us. Yet for all that, it can be a time of enormous stress and for some people tremendous loneliness. Images of happy faces and perfect families in media ads may not match the sadness and pain we may be feeling inside.
Here is part two of our two-part Christmas Guide for One-Parent Families.
Dealing with Conflict
Many of the worst arguments happen at Christmas. Bored children, being cooped up with relatives, the availability of alcohol, and a sense of claustrophobia can create an environment where tensions are high.
- Try to pre-empt possible arguments by planning access arrangements in advance
- Try to communicate in a direct, open and honest manner
- Don’t meet another person’s anger with your anger
- Respect yourself even if the other parent shows you none
- Get out for a walk with the children – tire them out
- Have a bath or take a nap to get away from everyone
- Be prepared to let some behaviours go over the Christmas period
- Be willing to compromise if necessary
- If your child complains about the other parent, try encouraging them to talk directly with that parent
- Keep adult communication directly between adults. Refuse to use your child as a go-between
Financial Management at Christmas
It’s a really good idea to make a commitment to yourself that you will not over-spend this Christmas. The next step is to budget. The earlier you sit down and budget for the holiday the better. Here are some sample categories which might help:
| Category | Items listed in detail | Estimated cost | Total cost |
| Regular food shopping for 2 week period | |||
| Food and drink for specific days i.e. 25th, 26th, 1st | |||
| Decorations – Lights, Christmas tree etc | |||
| Gifts for children | |||
| Gifts for other family members and friends | |||
| Clothing | |||
| Heating, Lighting | |||
| Telephone | |||
| Christmas cards and postage | |||
| Travel expenses | |||
| Socialising | |||
| Miscellaneous |
Be very realistic – Remember the presents are only the start. Making a realistic list of the expenditure will make it easier to see where you can economise.
Be honest – Can you really afford to fund such a sum? If the answer is no, you must cut back.
Be wary of credit – If you find that you need short-term credit to bridge the gap between normal income and abnormal expenditure at Christmas, decide how you will fund this. Your main options are credit cards, bank or credit union loans or authorised overdrafts. All have advantages as well as disadvantages. Whatever you decide, make sure you can afford to meet the costs of the credit, including interest, after Christmas. Avoid unauthorised lenders.
Dealing with Pressure from Children and Young People
Talk to them – It can be really helpful to talk to your children early on about Christmas and explain that you all have a tight budget to work with. If Santa is coming to your house explain to children that Santa has a lot of children throughout the world to visit on Christmas Eve and he has asked parents to tell children to list their top three presents but to expect only one of these, and to understand that he has a budget. It is better to explain to your child that you cannot afford very expensive presents rather than overstretching yourself and getting into debt.
Get them involved in planning – Planning the Christmas with children and young people can help them better understand the pressures of Christmas. It can also be fun working together and help children gain a sense of responsibility.
Self talk – Remind yourself that you are not letting your children down by not getting them exactly what presents they want. Value the love you give them every day of the year. In years to come it will be this they remember rather than how much you spent on them.
Expectations – Remember for many younger children it isn’t the cost of the item that interests them but what they can do with it. Children often find the box more exciting than the gift itself!
Don’t give in to pressure – Children and young people often make demands of their parents. Parents may fear that if they don’t give the child the present they want, then he or she won’t love them. Remind yourself the value of saying “no”. Saying no can help a child understand choices and disappointments. It is far worse for the child or young person to see you upset and anxious about financial difficulties.
Fun Things To Do with Children
Whether you’re with your children for all of the holiday period or have access at certain times, finding fun activities appropriate to the season that don’t cost a lot can be a challenge. Here are some ideas:
- Christmas carols
- Christmas lights – Take your child into your nearest town or city to see the lights at night or take a tour of your locality
- Decorate your tree together
- Feed the ducks or swans, or put out a bird feeder together. Animals can find it hard to get food this time of year
- Check out your local library for details of free activities held for children over December and January
- Bake a cake together
- Make homemade sweets and cookies to give out as presents
- Make a jig saw together
- Visit your local art gallery, most galleries have free activities and workshops for children with materials provided
- Go swimming
- Visit your local park, or the botanical gardens in Dublin to watch the squirrels
- Have books and DVDs ready to entertain
- The national concert hall in Dublin hold a range of events for children
- Visit museums – our national museums have free admission and offer many family-friendly tours and activities
- Wrap up well and get plenty of fresh air
- Winter picnics can be fun too – bring a flask and check out adventure playgrounds in your area
- Make Christmas decorations – it’s easy and fun to string together pop corn to hang on the tree, or paper chains
- Visit a pantomime – matinees are usually offered at a reduced cost
Part one of our Christmas Guide includes advice on Taking the Stress out of Christmas, Christmas Alone, and Coping with Sad or Painful Memories. Click here to read it.
For help and advice
One Family askonefamily Lo-call Helpline | 1890 662 212 | support@onefamily.ie
The Money Advice and Budgeting Service | 0761 07 2000 | www.mabs.ie
Citizens Information Helpline | 0761 07 4000 | 9am to 8pm from Monday to Friday
The Samaritans | 1850 60 90 90 | 24 Hours service
Aware – Defeat Depression | 1890 303 302 | 10am – 10pm from Monday to Sunday
10 Ways to Parent Self-Care
This week’s ’10 Ways to …’ feature is about you looking after you. Read on for our ‘10 Ways to Parent Self-Care’.
- “I’m not perfect, I’m good enough” (Winnicot): Recognise that you are one person and you are doing the best you can. Give yourself a pat on the back – don’t wait for someone else or your child to or it may never happen!
- Routine: Have a core routine for each day of the week and stick to it. Don’t try to get everything done every day, set days out for different chores. Make sure you have time in the routine to play and interact with your children. Parents usually feel better when they have had a quality connection with their child.
- Eat: Remember you must meet your own needs so you can meet those of your children. The basic need to eat is really important as when we are hungry we are less inclined to have patience and the energy to deal with everyday issues and challenges.
- Sleep: It is easy to say sleep but it is more important to do it. Try to get children to bed early so you can be in bed early too. Aim for at least 6 hours sleep per night. Those with infants will only achieve this in a number of sessions of sleep so it is really important to try and nap during the day if you can.
- Stay healthy: Do not neglect your health – value your own health and well being as much as you do your child’s. Healthy parents are happy parents.
- Exercise: This can release the happy hormones and allow you time to think, reflect and make plans, or just breathe in the fresh air and tell yourself it will all work out. You can also use the time to chat with your child. Simply playing in the park or back garden can be good exercise and fun with your child also.
- Take time out for yourself: If you struggle with this, begin with 10 minutes for yourself and as time goes on, increase it. Maybe once a week you can plan a couple of hours to yourself. Be creative in how you achieve this – it will be worth the effort.
- Socialise: Isolation is a key issue for those parenting alone. Challenge yourself to network with other parents, join clubs or courses. Your self-esteem and confidence and that of your child’s will be enhanced with socialising.
- Ask for help: Ask for help whenever you can from family or a friend. They will stop offering if you never take them up on it. Children enjoy being with other people. It is good for you both to have time apart and for children to know there are other people who can care for them.
- Be an adult: You are not just a parent so make time for you to be you. It’s good for children to see you as a person with many roles, not just as Mam or Dad.
The One Family parenting skills courses Positive Parenting and Family Communications are enrolling now. Click here for information.
10 Ways to Improve Listening in the Home
Listening is not the same as hearing. To listen means to pay attention not just to what is being said but how it is being said, including paying attention to the types of words used, the tone of voice and body language. The key to understanding is effective listening. For this week’s ’10 Ways to …’ post offering parenting tips, we look at how to improve listening in the home.
- Do I listen? Ask yourself firstly what type of listener you are. Are you focused or distracted? Empathetic or impatient?
- Stop shouting: Children do not respond positively to shouting so try always to speak in a calm manner.
- Eye contact: When talking to your child, get down to their level and look them in the eye.
- Be clear: Do your children understand what you are saying to them? Clarify if needed.
- Family meetings: Talk as a family about what not listening to each other causes within the family – ask if everyone would like things to be better.
- Reward: Notice good listening and reward it.
- Remember: Put a note up somewhere, like on the fridge, to remind you as a parent to listen.
- Make time: Make time – at meals, when children come in from school, when parents come in from work – to talk with each other and listen to what others have to say.
- Active listening: Practice actively listening to what your children say. Down tools and stop what you’re doing to listen, or ask them to wait until you can give them 100% of your attention (but not too long).
- Building relationships: Listening to your child and other family members increases positive behaviour in the home and improves relationships.
This week’s ’10 Ways to …’ is compiled by One Family’s Director of Children and Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly.
Remember, if you need a friendly ‘listening ear’, our askonefamily lo-call helpline is available on 1890 662 212.
10 Ways to Manage Homework with Primary School Children
Homework is considered to be beneficial in helping children to learn how to manage time, planning and priorities, and to learn independently and take responsibility. These are all skills that will help them in the future in many ways. Homework also helps teachers to determine how well students are understanding their lessons. It is important as parents that we support our children in doing their homework. This keeps us in touch with what’s happening at school and how our children are managing, and will help children to achieve academically throughout their education. As part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips, here are our 10 Ways to Manage Homework with Primary School Children.
- Homework belongs to the child not the parent. Teach your child from entry to school that they are responsible for homework being done. Your role is to support your child with homework, but not to do it.
- Create the necessary environment for your child to work in. They need a calm space with no TV or other distractions. Allow them time to relax when they come in from school and have a snack and change of clothes ready.
- Always demonstrate an interest in your child’s homework, support them, champion them and stand up for them. You know them best, so encourage and support yet know when it’s time to stop. Know your limits and theirs.
- Encourage your child if they feel it’s too hard. Acknowledge that it is hard but tell them you know they can do it. If you find yourself being negative with them, or saying something like, “Yes, you are no good at maths”, then it is advisable to look at your own issues with homework.
- Set a start and end time for homework. Sometimes you may feel your child has too much homework on a particular day. Let the teacher know it will be completed by the end of the week rather than pushing a very tired child to finish it that evening.
- The National Parents Council offers a guide to the amount of time each age group should spend on homework, stating that in general the following guidelines apply:
- Junior/Senior infants: No formal homework but perhaps some drawing, preliminary reading, matching shapes and pictures or listening to stories read by parents.
- First/Second class: 20-30 minutes.
- Third/Fourth class: 30-40 minutes.
- Fifth/Sixth class: 40-60 minutes.
- When you are tired and your child is tired, it’s usually time to stop. Your level of patience will be lower. Remember that your relationship with your child is more important than homework.
- Arguing late in the evening over homework leaves everyone unsettled and stressed which can lead to bedtime routines being disrupted.
- Talk with the school/your child’s teacher if you feel your child cannot get their homework done without your help. Children should be able to do their homework alone with parents nearby. Your role should involve encouragement, checking it’s done, and testing them on key things such as spelling.
- Sometimes children need time off too. Explore how many extra activities they have on and look at creating down time for them. Would you like to bring home work every day? A school day is long and it is important to acknowledge all the work they have already done that day. Try not to focus on the areas they’re less successful at as this will do nothing for self-esteem and achieve nothing. Appreciate that children have a lot on and need you to recognise the effort they are making in every task.
This article is part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips, and is by One Family’s Director of Children and Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly.
For support and advice on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email support@onefamily.ie.
