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10 Ways to Make Christmas Stress Free

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Christmas cup of teaChristmas can be a time of great pressure for many parents, meaning that stress can take much of the enjoyment away. It’s important to stop and ask why this is. Is it possible that we’re causing some of it ourselves by not managing expectations – our own and others, including our child’s. Why not aim to simplify Christmas this year by taking time to reduce stress, expense and over-the-top traditions. This week ’10 Ways’ in our parenting tips series becomes ’12 Ways’ as we explore how you can plan to make Christmas less stressful and more fun.Start budgeting and planning everything early on.

 

  1. Encourage children to write their letter to Santa in early November.Encourage them to ask for one special gift and a surprise. It’s not helpful to children to allow them to think they can have everything they want. Remember they must share all of the gifts Santa has with other children.
  2. Once you know what your child wants, try to seek out the best price you can, as early as you can (to help Santa). Use shops, internet shopping and the many sites that list classified ads. Often new toys are sold on these sites at bargain prices.
  3. It’s essential to spend what you can afford. Do not put yourself into debt for Christmas. All parents know that children often don’t play with half of what they get or value the extra things they didn’t ask for.
  4. Do your shopping as early as you can before the shops get really busy. Take a morning off when the children are in school to get some important shopping done.
  5. Children remember more about what you do as a family at Christmas than the gifts they receive. In next week’s 10 Ways to, we’ll explore ideas on creating family traditions.
  6. Agree with family members to only buy gifts for children or not at all. Children will usually get more than enough from Santa. Maybe plan a day out instead with friends and family.
  7. Or you could suggest a Kris Kindle so that everyone gets a gift without the costs getting so high, or agree on getting birthday presents instead throughout the year. Most people struggle with the cost of Christmas, your family will probably be delighted to hear such suggestions.
  8. Encourage family, especially grand-parents, to ask you for ideas so your child gets a gift they want. This takes the pressure off Santa.
  9. We all buy too much food at Christmas. Plan Christmas dinner and a few treats. Often the left overs do perfectly well the next day (or days!). Be realistic. Remember that the shops re-open on the 26th; there’s no need to stock up for two weeks as we often try to.
  10. Try to enjoy the build up to Christmas. Children usually love this time of year. It’s about family and fun together, try to keep it that way. Shop as little as you can. Enjoy the atmosphere and the cosy evenings at home.

Next you might like to read 10 Ways to Achieve Successful Shared Parenting at Christmas.

This article is part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips, and is by One Family’s Director of Children and Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly.

LIVE Facebook Q&A with Geraldine on how to reduce stress over Christmas on Monday 1 December from 11am-12pm on One Family’s Facebook page. Join in and post your questions.

Find out more about our parenting skills programmes and parent supports. For support and advice on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email support@onefamily.ie.

10 Ways to Develop Play Time with Your Child

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Noah's ArkPlaytime with their parent is very important to children. Making time to sit down on the floor to play together is one of the best things you can do to support their development and your relationship with them. Some parents find it very difficult to value just sitting and playing. Sometimes a parent might even feel a bit awkward at first – after all, it’s probably been a long time since we ourselves did this –  but when you make yourself just do it, you will soon experience the immense enjoyment it can bring to both you and your child. Play is your child’s work so never underestimate its importance in their young lives.

Read on for this week’s parenting tips in our ’10 Ways to’ series which explores how parents can create and develop quality playtime with their child.

  1. Children are wonderful. Simply sit and watch them play and engage with materials. Enjoy how clever and curious they are.
  2. Smile with them when they discover something new and learn how to make things work for the first time. Admire how they can climb on the furniture, using their strength and determination. What wonderful qualities for your child to have.
  3. Talk with them and engage with them. Often we are so busy doing we don’t notice who our children are or actively listen to what they are saying.
  4. Why not challenge yourself to sit on the floor with your child for 20 minutes and simply see what comes of it. Try it over the next few days.
  5. Try not to sit down to play with an agenda in mind. Allow your child take the lead and to be in charge of the play time. Comment on what you see them actually do, e.g. “I can see you are putting the blue block into the teapot, and then pouring the tea out.”  Don’t say what you think, just what you see.
  6. Wait for your child to invite you into the game, and then do what they tell you to do. It is their game so respect this space and allow them be in control of life during play time. This is when they process what is happening in the big world every day for them. Watch and learn! And remember that you can allow yourself to have fun!
  7. Speak positively and try to let go of any naughties during this time. Later think about what went well and how you can support your child with what they find challenging. Think about how you can extend their play. Can you add real water to the tea set, bathe the doll, make paper aeroplanes and hang them up? What can you do and offer to your child to extend the play they enjoy. By doing this, you are supporting your child’s learning.
  8. Sometimes as parents we might have concerns about what we don’t like in our children, what we might see as their negative traits. But, within reason, these are perhaps not negative traits. Perhaps our own experiences have influenced us to think this way. Our role as parents is to support children to grow and achieve, helping them use their skills and talents to their advantage as they develop. Seeing their traits as positive and helping your child to see them as positive too is part of this. For example, what if your child is not cheeky, but strong willed? What can they achieve if they learn to use this skill well? They could be a future leader. Maybe your child is not shy or timid, but thoughtful and considerate of others. How can they best use this valuable trait?
  9. Making time for play with your child also helps you to identify what is missing from your child’s toy box that would support your child’s play and learning.
  10. Take on the challenge and you will never go back to just leaving children to play. Of course, at times it is important for children to play on their own or only with other children. They need their space from us too. But remember, making just 20 minutes to play with your child each day will keep you very closely connected to your child and enhance your current and future relationship.

LIVE Facebook Q&A with Geraldine on the topic of play on Monday 24 November from 11am-12pm on One Family’s Facebook page. Join in and post your question. Or why not try these tips beforehand and let Geraldine know on Monday how it went?

Next you might like to read 10 Ways to Make Play Dates Positive or 10 Ways to Make the Most of the Playground.

This article is part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips, and is by One Family’s Director of Children and Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly. Coming soon: 10 Ways to Nurture Your Role as a Stepparent and 10 Ways to Make Christmas Stress Free.

Find out more about our parenting skills programmes and parent supports. For support and advice on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email support@onefamily.ie.

 

Smiling boy

10 Ways to Explain an Absent Parent

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Smiling boyThe term ‘absent parent’ refers to a parent whom a child has never met or has had very little contact with. Note: This is different to a ‘non-resident parent’, ‘non-primary’ or ‘secondary carer’, or when parents co-parent/share parenting of their child.

People find themselves parenting alone through a variety of circumstances. It is natural that children will become curious about their other parent and start to ask questions about them as they grow. This can be very difficult to deal with as a parent, especially if processing our own feelings of hurt, rejection, anger or grief. What is most important is to be prepared for this question, and to be consistent, honest and straightforward.

This week, our ’10 Ways to’ series becomes ’15 Ways’ as we explore how to explain an absent parent to your child.

  1. Children will usually start to ask about their absent parent once they start school and start to notice that many children have two parents. Questions can increase as they grow – especially if they are working on family trees in school as they often do.
  2. The best approach to take is to be brave and tell them that yes, they have two parents. Then start to tell them a little about the other parent.
  3. You can tell them that the other parent was not yet ready to be a parent, perhaps that they were scared and choose not to do it. Reassure them that they have you and you are 100% committed to being their parent and to loving and supporting them.
  4. There is no value in painting a negative picture of the parent who is absent for many reasons and young children don’t need negative information. Keep it simple and give the basic information they need for now. “Yes, you do have two parents, your other parent is called [their name].” Talk about any similarities the child might have to the other parent.
  5. Take out any photographs you have of the other parent or photos with both parents. Talk with your child about when you and their other parent loved each other or really liked each other – whichever the case may be – and that you both made the child together.
  6. Create a ‘shoe box parent’ for the child. This is a box where you can place anything which has a story about the child’s other parent. This could be photos, pictures you make together of what the parent looks like, what he or she liked to do or eat, or places you visited with them.
  7. Talk with the child about any contact the other parent had with them and make it positive for them. When children grow up they will know the full story but for now, keep it simple. Children need to identify with both parents.
  8. Give some thought to making contact with an absent parent if it is safe to do so. Allow the other parent an opportunity to explore some form of contact. If this can’t happen, then work with your child to help them understand that maybe the other parent will be ready to be a parent some day. Often when children are very keen to meet an absent parent, it is because they feel this parent will meet a currently unmet need. This often turns out not to be the case. Help your child to identify their needs so you can try to meet them.
  9. Think about contact with extended family members of the other parent if you feel it is helpful for the child. Just because a person may not want to be a parent, that may not be the same for their family members. Enable grandparents in particular an opportunity to engage with their grandchild.
  10. Always allow children to ask you many questions and talk with you. Expect that every three years or so, another round of questions will come. Be patient with your child and give them permission to talk about the absent parent and ask any questions.
  11. Be honest and consistent and give them as much age appropriate information as you can. Often children just need basic information. They simply need to be able to say to other children, for example, “Yes, I have a daddy and his name is Jack.” Children are curious by nature so support them with this.
  12. It may be very hard to talk with your child about all of this, but be brave, take a deep breath and do it and then get support for yourself afterwards. Remember that your relationship with the other parent and what you experienced is not what your child has experienced. Most children do not feel rejected by not knowing an absent parent, it is we as the parents who feel rejection.
  13. Get support if you find it difficult to talk about the other parent. Many people don’t deal with the hurt and pain of the past and benefit from professional support to let go and move on. Allow life to give you all it has to offer.
  14. If you became pregnant or a lone parent through an abusive experience or relationship, get support to deal with this. You can still support your child to have a positive healthy childhood. Children don’t need to know the circumstances of how they came to be. Talk with them about who is in their life and how much they are loved. You can explore with them what they imagine life would be like with two parents and help them further explore the negatives and positives of that life. Talk with them about how wonderful that vision is for them. Don’t try to corrode it by being negative. Tell them that you are glad they shared that with you. You can’t make it different so just be the best parent you can be for your child.
  15. Children can grow up perfectly happily and successfully in a one-parent family, as current research shows. What they need are quality relationships with people in their life who like to spend quality time with them, people who understand them and who can support their needs. Once you can love your child and support them, they will and can be very happy and confident in their family form.

Next you might like to read 10 Ways to Talk With Your Child About “Where do I come from?”

This article is part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips, and is by One Family’s Director of Children and Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly. Coming soon: 10 Ways to Nurture Your Role as a Stepparent and 10 Ways to Make Christmas Stress Free.

LIVE Facebook Q&A with Geraldine on explaining an absent parent on Monday 17 November from 11am-12pm on One Family’s Facebook page. Join in and post your question.

Find out more about our parenting skills programmes and parent supports. For support and advice on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email support@onefamily.ie.

Christmas Candles

10 Ways to Achieve Successful Shared Parenting Over Christmas

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Christmas Candles 150x150Christmas doesn’t have to be a difficult time for parents who do not live together and share parenting of their child. There are, of course, things that will need to be worked out. What is most important is to do this well in advance, agreeing to solutions and a plan. Agree your plan now in November, to help ensure a happy, fun-filled Christmas for all members of the family, centered around your child. Read on for this week’s parenting tips which explore how parents can achieve successful shared parenting over the Christmas season.

  1. Start thinking it through and planning now.
  2. Plan with your child. Talk with your child about Christmas and explore with them that it lasts for more than one day.
  3. Tell them that both you and their other parent love them and enjoy time with them at Christmas. Ask your child how they would like Christmas to look. Talk with them about the options available.
  4. Try to hear your child in this. Most parents prefer to have their child with them on Christmas Day, and in many separated families it is not possible. See Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and St Stephen’s Day all as Christmas. You will have to agree if each year one of you has the children with them on the 25th and the other parent has them on the 24th or 26th.
  5. Talk with your child’s other parent. Ask them what they hope Christmas will look like and then start to negotiate on contact. Use assertive communication skills. Try not to jump in with a no straight away to what they hope for. Think of your child’s needs and how best you can both meet them. Don’t have these discussions in front of your child.
  6. Children love Christmas – if they don’t have parents arguing over them. All the gifts in the world won’t help if your child is distressed or worried. Talk and plan in advance and avoid conflict. Give each other space to think about what the other parent wants, then talk again about your shared plans.
  7. Explain to your child what will happen and that you and the other parent will try your best to ensure they have the Christmas they hope for. Make sure your child has the information they need in advance.
  8. Children are not going to object to two Christmases. Santa can leave gifts in both homes. Santa knows, of course, that some children have two homes. Families comes in all kinds of shapes and sizes.
  9. Talk about buying the gifts early on. Both parents usually want to be involved in this. Can each of you buy your own gifts from your child’s list and agree to give them on the one day or over two days? Often children get too much on the 25th – maybe they would appreciate receiving the gifts more spread out. Children need to share the excitement with both parents.
  10. If you need help to communicate with each other, seek professional support from services such as One Family’s Mediated Parenting Plans or Parent Mentoring services so you can make plans for a Christmas that everyone can look forward to.

Next you might like to read 10 Ways to Successful Shared Parenting.

This article is part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips, and is by One Family’s Director of Children and Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly. Coming soon: 10 Ways to Explain an Absent Parent and 10 Ways to Nurture Your Role as a Stepparent.

LIVE Facebook Q&A with Geraldine on shared parenting over Christmas on Monday 10 November from 11am-12pm on One Family’s Facebook page. Join in and post your questions.

Find out more about our parenting skills programmes and parent supports. For support and advice on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email support@onefamily.ie.

10 Ways to Make Halloween Fun and Safe

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Halloween children 150x150Halloween, having its roots in the Gaelic Samhain festival, is traditionally a wonderful time for family fun and games in Ireland and in other parts of the world! As parents, we need to take precautions to ensure the safety of our children. If you are driving anywhere, remember to slow down and watch out for excited little trick-or-treaters. Following some guidelines for safety won’t take away from the fun. As part of our 10 Ways to weekly series of parenting tips, here are 10 Ways to Make Halloween Fun and Safe.

  1. If you are celebrating Halloween with your child, be organised. Talk with them in advance about what character they want to be. Agree a budget for costumes or whether you are making it at home – which can be great fun and cost effective. Use flame-resistant materials and if you plan to go out to trick-or-treat in the evening, you might want to attach reflective strips to dark coloured costumes. You could also have fun making some decorations together.
  2. Be conscious that young children may be anxious or scared at Halloween, as may children with special needs. It’s dark, there are lots of scary figures about. Children may need time with this and some interaction with less scary characters.
  3. Children love spending quality time with their parents. Why not start a tradition for your own Halloween Family Day?
  4. Experiment with face paints until you get it right. Let children practice on you, they’ll really enjoy that. You might like to test a small area of your child’s skin for allergic reaction in advance, follow the instructions on the packet.
  5. Bake together and agree on treats for the day – children enjoy supervised cooking. Making things together will support good quality relationships. Safefood has lots of recipes for Halloween treats such as these ghoulishly delicious Ghostly Milk Shakes.
  6. Encourage children to learn ‘tricks’ such as singing a song or reciting a poem. People like to see children make an effort in order to get the treat. In fact, performing a song or poem on the doorstep was expected in most parts of Ireland until recently. Practice songs at home in the days coming up to Halloween – this will be good family fun. Children feel very proud of themselves when they actually do it then, it’s a great self-esteem boost.
  7. Be vigilant and aware of safety at all times. All children up to at least 14 should have adults with them when trick-or-treating. Agree a route in advance and what doors they are allowed to knock on.
  8. Never allow children under 14 years old out on their own. Children should also never be allowed into the homes of strangers. Parents should always be very close by watching the engagement and intervening when necessary.
  9. On the day, make it fun for all members of the family to be involved. Play dress up that day. You can dress up too. Play some games at home such as biting the apple from a string or finding coins in green gunk (wall paper paste mixed with green food colouring makes excellent, low-cost goo).
  10. Consider having a party in your own home for your children and some friends. Trick or treating can start about 4pm and a little party with games from 6-8pm. This can be such a fun celebration for all the family and your friends.

Have fun this Halloween!

This article is part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips, and is by One Family’s Director of Children and Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly. Coming soon: 10 Ways to Manage Homework and 10 Ways to Achieve Successful Shared Parenting over Christmas.

LIVE Facebook Q&A with Geraldine on parenting topics every Monday (apart from Bank Holidays) from 11am-12pm on One Family’s Facebook page.

Find out more about our parenting skills programmes and parent supports. For support and advice on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email support@onefamily.ie.