Posts

Parenting | 10 Ways to Support Your Child On Leaving Cert Results Day

/in /by

Results DayLeaving Certificate results day … It is a day that parents and teenagers have anticipated for many months, or possibly even years. So many feelings have been generated while waiting on these results, a summer spent wondering what the future holds. For many students, they will also soon be receiving their offers of college places through the CAO. Remember – no matter what the results, life will go on and everyone will find the path that suits them best. Here are our tips on how to support your young person at this time.

  1. Take your child’s lead. If they are feeling sad, feel sad with them. If they are delighted, feel it with them. As parents, we usually want to try to ‘fix’ things for our children, but it is important not to do that and to realise that the feelings our children have, even negative ones, are the most important thing to acknowledge.
  2. Plan a special day with them no matter what the results are. Your child needs to know that you love them as much today as you did yesterday. The result is just a result and life will go on. A special day will help to celebrate all they have achieved in their school years, and show them that either way, they worked hard and deserve to feel proud.
  3. Feelings are the key area of focus this week. Your feelings and your child’s. Make no comparisons. Try not to mention what they should have done – they know. Tell them you are proud of them, talk about all the things they have been so successful at in the last 17/18 years. Talk about their strengths, keep it positive. In a few days time you can help them explore next steps.
  4. Talk with your child in the coming days/weeks. Explore all the options they have. Seek professional support from the various help lines so you know what options are out there. Maybe something will come up that was not considered before.
  5. Unless your teen is keen to return to second level and try again, accept the results and move on. The college offers will come out, maybe your child will get what they want and maybe they won’t. Talk with career guidance experts. There are many routes to the career your child hopes for. It may just mean they have an extra couple of years study to do to get there or could explore an alternate route. “Where there is a will, there is a way.”
  6. At times we can forget that the results are not ours and that they do not reflect on our parenting abilities. If you are feeling upset for your child, talk to a friend about your concerns. It is hard when our children grow up and become young adults. Watching them prepare for college, or move out of home, or take their next step into adulthood, can be a difficult time for parents.
  7. If you need some emotional support in the coming days or weeks, why not call our askonefamily helpline on 1890 662212 or 01 6629212.
  8. Allow your child time with their friends. At this stage young people can get great support from their peer group. Set reasonable boundaries with them around celebrations.
  9. Talk with other parents and agree on where teens are going, how they get there and get home. Talk with your teen about responsible behaviours. Support them to know you expect them to make good choices around what they do in the coming days.
  10. Do something fun with your child this week, help them see and feel all the things you love about them. Whether they are happy or unhappy with these results, help them smile and see all the world has to offer to them.

Find out more about our parenting skills programmes and parent supports. For support and information on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email support@onefamily.ie.

This ’10 Ways to’ article is by One Family’s Director of Children & Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly, as part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips. Next you might like to read ‘10 Ways to Support a Young Adult‘. You can read the full series here.

Father&daughter on beach

Parenting | 10 Ways to Talk About An Absent Parent (4-8 years)

/in /by

Father&daughter on beachWhen children start school, it usually becomes more obvious to them that many children have two parents. Not of course always in the same home, but present to some extent in their lives. Therefore, children may start to ask questions about their own parents. For children in Catholic schools, the First Holy Communion preparation often encourages children to explore family trees and this can be the first time it becomes obvious to them that one of their parents is not a part of their life.

Here are our suggestions on how you can start to talk to your child (aged 4-8 years) about their other parent:

  1. The first step is creating a nice space for you and your child to talk without interruption. There are lots of books written on this topic – a list is available from One Family, which you can use to read to your child to introduce the topic. When you are reading about the giraffe that has no daddy, or the penguin that has no mammy, you can then start to relate this to your own child.
  2. Tell your child that they do have another parent. Tell them a little about them at first. Show your child a photograph of their other parent, if you have one. You can tell them you were tidying up and came upon it.
  3. Talk with your child about the day you found out you were pregnant, or that they were going to be born. Tell them a positive story about how you felt. You can then also tell them a little bit about how their other parent felt. Maybe they were scared to become a parent as they knew it was such an important job, they worried they would not be good at it. Tell them that you said ‘I can do it’ and took on this wonderful adventure with your child.
  4. Sometimes at this age, children will not ask that many in-depth questions. They may be happy with some basic facts and just move on, they may not even seem that interested. That is fine, but don’t use it as an excuse to bury the issue.
  5. Once you start talking about the other parent, stay brave and keep talking. You don’t have to talk everyday but now and again, drop in comments about the other parent. Tell the child something about the other parent that the child might like to know. Try to keep the information positive.
  6. When you don’t talk about the other parent, you may think that is good, you are not saying anything bad about them; but saying nothing about the ‘elephant in the room’ sends a negative message to children. Talking is key!
  7. If your child is curious or feels sad that their other parent is not involved, talk with them some more. Tell them about your relationship with the other parent. Tell them about things you did together and the fun you had, maybe you can do some of those things with your child.
  8. Create a shoe box parent. Many children don’t need to have the parent physically present, but they do want to have something that represents them. You can use this using an old shoe box. Tell them to decorate the box and then give them a picture of the other parent to put in it. Draw pictures with them that represent stories you have told them about the other parent. Give them bits to put in the box such as a small ball if the other parent loved football or something from the team they supported. A shell if you enjoyed going to the seaside. Pictures of food they liked to eat. It can be anything but there must be a story attached to it. When they want to feel close to the other parent or they need space to think about their family form, they can go and sit with the box, the stories inside it will comfort them and allow them to, in some way, spend time with this person.
  9. Be honest as much as you can with children. Be positive too. Children do not need to know the story of your relationship as a couple. Keep it factual. Tell them that you believe the other parent does love them, but they don’t know how to show it. Tell them that you don’t know if they will ever meet the other parent. You have no control over that.
  10. Try to explore their dreams. Ask them what they think it would be like if they met the other parent, what they would do? Try to identify what needs the child feels the other parent would meet. Then as the parent actively present to your child, see if you can meet any of these needs. If you can’t, acknowledge them and listen.
  11. Give your child permission to talk openly about the other parent. Often at school children will ask other children about parents. Make sure they feel confident to answer the questions. Usually when a child has a solid relationship with at least one adult who loves them they are often not concerned about who maybe absent from their lives.
  12. Finally, remember you can’t ‘fix’ it; you can’t undo the past and you can’t control the future. Allow your child talk with you and express their feelings. Just tell them thank you for sharing how they feel with you. You don’t have to justify it or try to explain it to them. Some things just cannot be explained. Children process information by talking and asking questions, they may ask you the same question many times over, this is the nature of children. Be patient with them and help them to process their feelings and the world around them.
  13. Help your children understand the diversity of the world, using books can really help to show them that their family form is wonderful just like any other family. Have belief and confidence in your family as a parent will support your child to know they have a great place in the world with a parent who loves them.

The hardest part in talking with your child about the absent parent is dealing with your own feelings. If you have not explored your feelings over the years and have tried to put aside any pain and heartache it caused you, then you may need to seek professional support before you talk with your child, during and after. One Family can support you with this.

Next you might like to read: 10 Ways to Explain an Absent Parent, 10 ways to Talk to Your Child About an Absent Parent (0-3 Years)

Find out more about our parenting skills programmes and parent supports. For support and information on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email support@onefamily.ie.

This ’10 Ways to’ article is by One Family’s Director of Children & Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly, as part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips. You can read the full series here.

LIVE Facebook Q&A with Geraldine on this topic Tuesday 11 August from 11am-12pm in our NEW One Family Parenting Group which is a closed Facebook group (meaning that only members can read posts) that anyone can join. Post your questions and share your experiences.

 

 

Angry Child

Parenting | 10 Ways to Support an Angry Child

/in /by

angry childChildren who are feeling very angry on a regular basis usually have some underlying problem that they need help in expressing.  Having to punish a child for the same repeated behaviour is telling you that there is something else going on, and it is time now to make a new plan to deal with it. Part of this new plan involves reflecting on what the actual issue is and asking why your child is feeling this anger. Ask yourself, how do they act around others? Does this behaviour only come out to you?

Here are some key steps to help you to understand why your child is so angry:

  1. Get a large page and map out your child’s feelings. Name the emotions that you see – note the day and time, what happened before hand? Ask yourself, are they hungry or tired? Did they have a certain activity in school or with their minders this day? What about siblings, what are they doing at this time? Was there contact (if sharing parenting with their other parent)? Try to create a very clear picture of what is going on at that exact time when the anger outbursts occur.
  2. You will need to keep an anger diary for at least a week if the behaviour happens on numerous occasions. Try to see what is similar in each event. What may be prompting the anger outburst? Is there something you can see that is a challenge for your child? If not, don’t give up. Keep the diary, keep questioning, and keep looking. Perhaps ask a close friend to look at it for you, maybe a fresh pair of eyes will help.
  3. The next step is to look at you. Look at all the same questions and more. What is happening for you at this time? Are you just home from work? Are you hungry or tired? Do you have company over? Is there another child over? Are you feeling stressed? Basically, you are trying to see if there is something happening for you which may be causing you to respond to your child in a way that triggers an outburst. Often we can hold on to some anger and let go of it as things improve; however one thing can be enough for you to erupt. Are you erupting?
  4. Hopefully you will have discovered something through this exercise. When you can identify the possible triggers for the anger, then you can set to work. Firstly, if your child is over 2.5 years it should be possible for you to sit with them and explain to them in simple words what you see happening for them. Name the behaviour; try to stay away from blame. You need to be a bit like a commentator of a football match. You are naming only what you see. Then ask your child how they are feeling now.
  5. Tell your child clearly what you need from them, e.g. “I can see you are really angry with me when you are not allowed to stay up late. I feel you kicking me and hitting out. I need you to have good sleep and be able for the next day. I need you not to kick me, because it hurts.”
  6. Encourage a little empathy around the feelings. What they are feeling, e.g. “I know it can be hard to go to bed, especially when it is bright and you can hear me in the kitchen. I know you have lots of stories to tell me.” Also what you are feeling: “I am tired at this time. I really love to hear your stories, but sometimes I have to get jobs done and get organised.”
  7. Make a plan to make a change. If your child is clearly telling you they want more of your time, then plan how you can make this happen. Can you add in quality one-to-one time together each day for 20 minutes? Can you have quality time at the weekends? Talk with your child, e.g. “I hear you saying you would like more time with Daddy. How about we make a calendar and put in pictures of things we can do each day and at the weekend?’”Assure your child that you will stick to that calendar, and do it.
  8. Talk with your child about how they can express anger in healthy ways. Reflect on how you deal with anger. Remember, you are their role model. Help them explore things they can do, depending on their age: jump up and down 10 times, take deep breaths, use words, have a signal, have a special place to sit. You will decide best what works in your home.
  9. When the plan is agreed, thank your child for the chat. Tell them it is good when you share and try to explore what is happening for everyone. Tell them you will talk again in a few days to see how they are feeling.
  10. Help your child to succeed in this new plan. Do not vary the plan when other things go wrong. The plan is for this behaviour only, so use it that way. If there are other issues, deal with them in similar ways but separately.

Let us know how you get on at implementing this plan. Share your stories with other parents in our new One Family Parenting Group on Facebook.

This ’10 Ways to’ article is by One Family’s Director of Children & Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly, as part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips. You can read the full series here.

Next you might like to read: 10 Ways to Improve Listening In The Home

Find out more about our parenting skills programmes and parent supports. For support and information on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email support@onefamily.ie.

absent parent

Parenting | 10 Ways to Talk To Your Child About An Absent Parent (0-3 yrs)

/in /by

absent parent 0-3It can be daunting when your baby is born and you start to think about how to tell them that their other parent does not want to be part of their life at that time, or maybe never. However, it is best to introduce this concept from day one. This way you do not allow any confusion to creep into your child’s life.

Here are some tips on how you can do this:

  1. At the registration of your child’s birth, you can add the father’s name to the birth certificate. In time your child will see this and you can talk with them about their father. Children always want to identify with family, who they look like and where they came from.
  2. Have a picture of your child’s other parent in their room or in their baby book, if possible. You may find this very hard to do, but at least if the image exists you can explain who that person is as the child grows up.
  3. If possible, inform the father of the child’s birth and invite him to send something to the baby. Something you can keep to show the baby that they acknowledged the birth.
  4. Try to inform or involve the absent parent’s extended family from the birth of your baby. This can be very hard to do when relationships have broken down, but along the road at least you can tell your child you made every effort to ensure they knew where they came from.
  5. Have a short story in your baby book about how you met their father and how you felt when you found out you were pregnant. Talk a little in the story about how you understood the father felt too. Try to stay positive. Children never usually want to hear anything negative about a parent, even if they are completely absent from their life.
  6. As well as a photo in the baby book of their other parent, you could write some things in about your baby’s absent parent such as their full name, birthday, what s/he liked to eat, their hobbies etc. Give an example of something you liked about them. Whatever you feel you would like to share do, without going too deep into what happened between you as a couple.
  7. As your child grows in this age range, try to drop comments into conversation about how they may remind you of their other parent – positive things only. Try to open up conversation with them about their father. If things come up in a story book or in conversation with other parents about dads, use this as an opportunity to remind them that they also have a father (or mother, depending on your family’s situation).
  8. If you enter a new relationship be very clear when meeting new people that your child is your son or daughter and this other person is your partner, e.g. saying ‘Kaela is my daughter and Simon is my partner’ instead of leading them to believe it is ‘our daughter’. So many people fall into this by error.
  9. Remember, children don’t have to hear something to think it is real. Often by not hearing anything to contradict an idea they have formed can lead them to believe it to be true.
  10. Do not at any stage support or encourage your child to call anyone who is not their biological father ‘daddy’. This can lead to great hurt and confusion as they get older. Children always discover the truth, one way or another.

This ’10 Ways to’ article is by One Family’s Director of Children & Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly, as part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips. You can read the full series here.

Next you might like to read: 10 Ways to Positively Maintain Contact

Find out more about our parenting skills programmes and parent supports. For support and information on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email support@onefamily.ie.

sibling relationships

Parenting | 10 Ways to Support A Child With A New Sibling

/in /by

sibling relationshipsBecoming a big brother or sister can be very exciting for many children, and at the same time a little scary. They may be wondering how life will change for them in both positive and negative ways. Some children as they get older prefer being an only child, while others long for a sibling. In this article we will explore what it means for children when one parent has a new baby – meaning they are now the big brother or sister – and what issues this can raise for children from separated families.

  1. Often very young children don’t understand what is happening until the baby arrives home and they see their parent holding it. At times they think the baby will be going back to where it came from, and it can be a shock when they realise the baby is staying and maybe even sleeping in their old cot.
  2. If the baby will not be living with the child full-time, it can create a variety of responses from the child. The child may be very keen to stay with the new baby, to protect it. It can feel like it is their baby at times. So parting and returning to the other parent may be very difficult for them.
  3. For other children, the new baby may pose a treat. Now they have to share the parent not only with a new step parent/partner but also with a new sibling. When will they get quality time? This can cause a feeling of unsettlement for children of all ages.
  4. It is important for all the parents – both biological and step-parents – to try and build in quality time with the first child. It is crucial to help them see they have a very valued place in the family and that their needs are still very important.
  5. Children can at times feel abandoned and neglected during separations, particularly at times when adult needs become more prominent and take over. Hopefully by the time a new baby is arriving, things will have settled down and children are feeling more secure in the new relationships that have formed. It is key when a new baby arrives to ensure that the child does not again experience these feelings, whereby their needs were not at the forefront of family life.
  6. It is important also to give your child good, positive language to describe the changes in their family to friends and other family members. ‘Half brother’ or ‘Half sister’ are not the most preferred terms as a person they describe would not feel happy about being ‘half’ of something. It may be better to just support them to say they have a new sister/brother. Then they can go on explain that Daddy or Mammy have this baby. As parents, we can help our children to understand blended families as they get older. Once they have an understanding and a positive experience they will flourish.
  7. Help the child to understand their unique bond with this child. I know it can be hard for parents to accept when the other parent moves on and has more children, but the baby exists and will always have a bond to your child. Try to be open and support the relationship. Try not to see this as a threat.
  8. Often parents and older children ask why the other parent had more children. They may feel they already struggled to have time for the first born, but this is life and things are not always planned or thought out. There may be issues around maintenance as now money has to go further to support the new baby. Your child may be getting less. Again you may need to sit and talk with the other parent about the impact this will have and try to reach agreement, as the courts will usually allow a person provide the best they can for each child. The first born will not get preference.
  9. The quality time a child shares with the other parent may be reduced when a baby is born. You would hope this to be very temporary, as otherwise the older child is being set up to resent the new baby. As parents, it is up to us to try not to give one child less attention when a new baby arrives. This can be difficult, maybe you can try and get others to help with the newborn. This will allow you time to support your older child to know they are very valued within your life and extending family.
  10. When children are having time with the other parent, we can expect that it will be one to one time. Parents may request the new child not to be part of this time. While it is important for children to have one to one quality time with parents, we must remember that children also need to be immersed into their parent’s new family form. It will be hard for them to understand and adjust, no matter what the age, but if this is what the family is going to be, then why try and make it different? At times it may be for the parents’ benefit to exclude other new family but really children can often adapt positively and smoothly to new experiences. What matters most is how they are parented and supported with the changes. It is about keeping their needs central, and for both parents to have a focus on meeting the child’s needs first and foremost.

This ’10 Ways to’ article is by One Family’s Director of Children & Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly, as part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips. You can read the full series here.

Next you might like to read: 10 Ways to Address Sibling Rivalry 

LIVE Facebook Q&A with Geraldine on this topic Tuesday 21 July from 10am-11pm in our NEW One Family Parenting Group which is a closed Facebook group (meaning that only members can read posts) that anyone can join. Post your questions and share your experiences.

Find out more about our parenting skills programmes and parent supports. For support and information on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email support@onefamily.ie.