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Parenting | Why do parents and children fight?

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planHow many parents argue with their child on a daily basis? If you find yourself arguing with your children then you need to press pause and re-examine what is going wrong.

Parents can get into power struggles with very young children. It can start from toddler time when parents are unable or unclear about how to set appropriate boundaries with children and then they start to wonder who is in charge.

Setting boundaries and clear rules with children from infancy is the key to parenting successfully. Parents must assert themselves in their role as the parent. Children must understand from a very young age that the parent must take the lead. Of course, it’s also important to listen to children, to ask them what they think, what they need, what they want and how they see things working. You must involve them in decisions made in the family.

Here are our ’10 ways’ to help resolve these issues:

  1. Identify the key issue you have. Sit with your child and tell them what the issue is.
  2. Ask them what they think and how they feel about it. You can work with children in this way from as young as three years old. Never underestimate children.
  3. Hear what your child has to say about the issue and tell them what you would like to see happen.
  4. Ask them to come up with ideas of how you can work together to solve the issue. Children will have a lot to say when they feel safe to express themselves. Give them permission to say what they would like.
  5. Be open and creative about their ideas. Don’t just shoot them down or they will not see the point in expressing their opinion. Remember children should be active participants in their lives. Make sure they know you value what they have to say.
  6. Facilitate them to come up with plans and ideas. You may have to use games or art work to help them talk and express feelings. Once children become familiar with this style of parenting they will get better at it. What a great life skill you will be teaching them.
  7. When all the ideas are on the table, agree a plan, write it down or draw pictures to show the plan if children are very young. Then put the plan up somewhere so everyone can see it.
  8. Everyone in the family should have a part to play in the plan. You as the parent are the person in charge of ensuring the plan is implemented. You need to find ways to support children to follow through on their part of the plan.
  9. You need to find ways to support yourself to follow through too. Remember you are in this position because you find it hard to make rules and stick with them so finding ways to stick with the plan is key to role modelling for your child. Both you and your children will be delighted when you resolve issues together.
  10. If you start with something small that you can be successful in this will support you to look at the next issue and develop more plans together. If your child is under 3 years old and you feel you cannot involve them in this type of process, you can still work through many of the issues yourself. Draw out a map of what is wrong and write down all the ideas you come up with. Explore your needs, the child’s needs and then come up with plans to meet the needs. Put some rules in place for yourself to help you stick with it. Making changes can be hard and parenting in this way if you are not familiar with this style will take time, but if you stick with it you will see positive changes.

This week’s ‘10 Ways’ parenting tips is written by Geraldine Kelly, One Family’s Director of Children and Parenting Services.

For support and advice on any of these topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email support@onefamily.ie

Parenting | How demanding are we of our children?

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confusedMany parents would say that being a parent is very demanding. But have you ever monitored how many demands you make of your child every day, in an hour or even in one minute? Research shows that parents can give 20-40 commands in a 30 minute period. What must this be like for a child? How confusing must it be for them, when they have probably not carried out one demand when several more are asked of them?

If you think of what it is like for you when children are constantly asking you things, telling you things, two children at a time maybe, your mind starts to crash. You might feel like you can’t think straight any longer. You may become agitated, annoyed and shout out for it to stop. However we often do this to children and very young children and wonder why they have poor behaviour. They are acting out how they feel, they often don’t have the language to tell parents what they feel, and they may not even know what they feel. It is their actions that will tell us if we look closely and observe what is happening for them.

Children need less commands and demands. They need parents to make requests of them, to give them time to think and solve problems. Children often hear the first couple of words you say, they are focused on them and nothing else goes in.

How can you make less demands of your child?

  1. Speak slowly to children.
  2. Look them in the eye when you are talking with them.
  3. Ask them to do one thing and allow them to finish that before asking another.
  4. Try to become aware of how much talking you do and how much direction you are giving.
  5. Encourage your child to talk, ask them what needs to get done next. Children know what needs to be done, help them to name it and then support them to take action.
  6. Make requests of children; respect their right to say no. Support them to learn to negotiate and compromise and then follow through. Children need to learn to say no, and they need to understand why others need them to say yes. If they are to grow up making good decisions, they need to be able to practice this in the home, where they have safety.
  7. Encourage children to have empathy, to think about what others need. Help them to meet the needs of others in an age appropriate fashion. Very young children will struggle with this but they can learn to share and take turns and tidy up at two years old.
  8. Allowing your child time to think is so crucial to allowing them make choices, to problem solve and learn coping skills. Tell your child what you need them to achieve and then allow them figure out how this can happen. Support them to learn the skill of thinking it out, rather than thinking for them.
  9. Make less demands of yourself also. Slow down and take time. I know in a world of hurry it can feel impossible. But really what are we achieving, what are we doing to our health, both physical and mental? What are we teaching our children?
  10. Look at your child and look at how best they can learn. Work with them and they will work with you.

This week’s ‘10 Ways’ parenting tips is written by Geraldine Kelly, One Family’s Director of Children and Parenting Services.

For support and advice on any of these topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email support@onefamily.ie

Parenting | How to make Valentine’s Day special in your home

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heartMany lone parents hate Valentine’s Day as they feel it is a big reminder that they are on their own and that for some reason this is not considered the best option in society. However, I think it can be a really lovely occasion that reminds us to say ‘I love you’ to our nearest and dearest. Many parents will say that their child knows that they are loved but they don’t often say it. They may not be into hugs and showing affection. Valentine’s Day can be your day to say ‘I love you’ to your children, to your parents, your friends and people in your community.

This year why not plan something for Valentine’s Day with your children and make it special in your family, maybe you can create a family tradition starting this year.

Here are ten ways to celebrate Valentine’s Day.

  1. Each family member selects a name from the hat and then has to do something nice for that person on Valentine’s Day. At times siblings need to be reminded that they love each other. This can be something that costs nothing and just needs some thought, or you can perhaps set aside a small budget.
  2. Plan a special family meal on Valentine’s Day. Decide together what you could cook, maybe with older children can help in cooking the meal. At a time when life is so busy, we don’t always get to sit and eat together and chat with each other.  Maybe you can invite friends or family over and make it a movie night or board games evening too. Laughter is what you will have and memories will be created.
  3. Make cards together for each other and for special people in your life that you haven’t seen lately. Encourage children to make pictures and be creative.
  4. Visit someone in your community that you know has very few people in their life. It could make such a big difference to them to know that someone cares about them. Maybe you could bake some buns to take with you.
  5. Remember your childminder or people who help you survive the day to day. Everyone likes to know that they are not taken for granted. At Christmas there is so much expense, maybe Valentine’s Day could be a better time to acknowledge how much they mean to you.
  6. Plan a day out together as a family. It doesn’t have to cost money. You can go to the playground, the park, bring a picnic, maybe plenty of hot chocolate! There are so many things you can do that will create fond memories and support your family to have closer relationships with each other.
  7. Or maybe you could simply plan to ‘do nothing’ together, and enjoy a pyjama day! Take time out to spend with each other. Play games, talk, cook and just enjoy being with each other.
  8. Make a date with your child or a family member if you have not seen them for a while. It can be hard to keep track of children when they have moved out and are busy with college, work and friends, but you can be sure they still want to spend time with you. Often at this age they need your support more than ever.
  9. Why wait for someone else to do something nice for you? Do something nice for yourself. Plan your own treat. I know parents find it very hard to spend money on themselves but you deserve a treat too! Maybe you can ask someone to take your children overnight or for a few hours. Take time out, , it doesn’t have to cost much, perhaps go for coffee with a friend. Give yourself a treat.  Think about what a treat means to you and then be creative in making it happen this weekend.
  10. Wish people you meet on the day a Happy Valentine’s Day. We hear ourselves all the time asking people how they are, but how often do we stop to really listen to the response. Why not say hello and stop to listen this Valentine’s Day?

There is so much you can do, talk with your children and make some plans to start loving Valentine’s Day. What a sad world it would be if there was no love!

Happy Valentine’s Day!

This week’s ’10 Ways ’ parenting tips  is written by Geraldine Kelly, One Family’s Director of Children and Parenting Services.

For support and advice on any of these topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email  support@onefamily.ie.

Parenting | Children’s birthday parties

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cakeIn the past twenty years children’s parties have become very expensive placing parents under a lot of pressure. Some children have invitations every single week, with every child in the class invited to each party. If they are thirty children in the class this can add up as you will also have cousins, friends outside of school and of course your own family.

What can you do so you can allow your child enjoy the experience of receiving an invite without them hearing you complain, maybe under your breath, but they know.

  1. Get back to basics. When it is your own child’s party do what you can afford. Parents are raising the bar all the time when it comes to children’s parties. Children do not need a big and expensive party to have great fun. You can plan a party at home for children which can be great fun. Children want to play, to do activities, to run and shout and of course enjoy some treats. Planning activities such as a football match, baking time, arts and crafts, and magic clay is great, making jewels, sports day, disco etc. There is so much you can do that children will really enjoy. Parents engaging with children at the party really support children to have good fun. Young children need support to play and play well.
  2. In some schools parents have come together to agree that when children are invited from school that each child gives €5 to the birthday child. This will mean that it is affordable for each child to attend. The birthday child has cash that they will really enjoy spending on something they really want, rather than getting unsuitable gifts or creating competition around who gives the best gift or the most expensive. This can add further pressure to parents when the invite comes in for that child’s party.
  3. Keep it small. Do you really have to invite every child at school. Does your child really play with every child in the class? Can you do something in the park or playground after school, a small but fun affair?
  4. What about when you don’t have the space to hold a party in your home. Many community halls are open to renting space at low cost to families for parties. Many families are using them also for first communion parties. Look around your community to see what you can avail of.
  5. Some crèches and playschools are happy for parents to bring in a cake and have a small tea party with the child and their friends as part of the crèche or playschool day. Children can be really happy with this; they just want everyone to know they have a special day. Young children do not expect presents in this setting. They will have presents from family and that will be more than they can usually cope with.
  6. Many cinemas have very good prices for the kids club. You can make up your own treat bags at home, I know cinemas do not like this but really what do they expect when they charge such high prices. When each child has the same they won’t mind.
  7. For older children it is all about numbers. Two to three friends for a sleepover can be good fun. Boys can enjoy sleepovers as much as girls. Have a day out with an older child with a couple of friends. A day out shopping or a trip bowling are good options for older children.
  8. Watch online for deals and offers. You never know what you will find.
  9. Start off small when children are young so you have room to move as they get older. If you give them it all in the first couple of years, you will have set a very high standard, one you may not be able to maintain, especially if they are joined by some siblings along the way.
  10. Make it special in your own way. Talk with your child and plan it together. Don’t worry so much about what others are doing. Many parents go into debt for parties. Can you really enjoy your child’s special day if you put so much pressure on yourself?

This week’s ’10 Ways ’ parenting tips  is written by Geraldine Kelly, One Family’s Director of Children and Parenting Services.

You can find out about our parenting courses here.

For support and advice on any of these topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email  support@onefamily.ie.

 

Parenting | How to talk to teenagers about sex

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teenagerAs parents it can be awkward and difficult to talk to our children about our sexual expression. If we could broaden our own outlook on how we view our own sexuality it will help us to talk to our children/teenagers about what it means to be a sexual human being.  Our sexuality is an essential/natural part of who we are – it is our zest for life, it is how we can show love to ourselves and how we can share that love with another in a loving relationship. As with all parenting keeping the lines of communication open is vital for us to help our children to make good choices for themselves and to take responsibility .

  1. Be under no illusion if there is no discussion about sex it does not mean it is not happening. Knowledge and understanding gives us the ability to make more informed choices. To know how to physically stay safe is vital e.g. safe sex, contraception etc. but to be able to do this in a real way it is also vital to be able to emotionally mind ourselves. To learn this through fear will not help our teenagers’ self-esteem.
  2. As our children grow up they will ask questions it is important to answer those questions in an age appropriate way. Be honest and only answer the question asked. Let your child take the lead so that as they get older the questions keep coming!
  3. Create the safety for your child/teenager to ask the questions. Safety is created by listening unconditionally. Teenagers will pick up cues on we how react or response to TV programmes, newspapers, books etc.
  4. There are enormous hormonal changes and we see this in how much their bodies change throughout the teenage years. We need to understand as parents that part of a teenagers’ life is to push boundaries and it is our job as parents to help then to do this in a way that is respectful for themselves and others.
  5. We need to keep the lines of communication open in all aspects of our lives. If we don’t talk about the everyday stuff how will they be able to come to us with a question about sex.
  6. Be available to talk about sex. We are enabling our teenagers to view their sexuality as to how they feel and view themselves. They then can make choices around how they can mind and respect themselves when they begin to explore their own sexuality.
  7. Discuss alcohol misuse and that when we drink we say and do things we would not do when we are sober. Responsibility around alcohol use is also very much tied up on how we feel and see ourselves.
  8. Don’t invade their privacy. We all need our privacy and our own space and we need to give our teenagers the space to separate out from us to become independent young adults.
  9. Listening to our teenagers enables them to make good choices and we are also showing them that we trust that they can make those good choices for themselves. They are also more likely to come to us for support if they have a problem or dilemma they need to sort out.
  10. Peers are very important for teenagers and we need enable our teenagers to know their own minds particularly within the peer group so that they will not do something because of peer pressure.

This ’10 ways’ tips for parenting was written by Carol Byrne, Relationship Mentor and Tutor with One Family.

You can find out about parenting programmes we run here. For support and advice on any of these topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email support@onefamily.ie.