10 Ways to Feel Pride in Your Family

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Family PrideIt is important for you and your children to have a sense of pride about your family. No matter what form your family takes, what wealth you may or may not have, or what activities you may or may not do, being secure in one’s family and self – which will nurture family pride – is achieved through building strong supportive relationships. It is the quality of these relationships at home that has most importance for a child’s outcomes. When every member of the family feels cherished and valued, they experience higher self-esteem which contributes to family self-esteem. To build strong relationships, establish pride and a sense of innate family self-esteem, we must encourage positive emotional growth in our children and in ourselves. In this week’s instalment of our ’10 Ways to’ parenting tips series, we looks at some ways to nurture positive growth and your family’s sense of pride.

  1. When children feel a sense of belonging and sense of pride in their families, they can be emotionally strong. Developing family rituals and traditions can bolster this.
  2. Giving children messages of encouragement enables them to develop a positive sense of who they are.
  3. Remember that for your child you are the expert – you are the all important ‘big’ person. How you behave impacts most strongly on your child. Develop pride in yourself as a parent and show pride in your family unit.
  4. When you get it wrong say, ‘I am sorry, I made a mistake’. Saying sorry does not weaken your role as a parent and models positive behaviour for your child.
  5. Keep organised. Simple tools such as a hand-drawn weekly planner on the ‘fridge can help with organising activities, menus, homework time etc. Knowing what is happening helps children to feel secure. Don’t be stressed if you do not have an always perfectly clean and tidy home. It’s difficult to achieve with children! What is important is that your home provide a safe, secure and comfortable environment for your child. Every member of the family should treasure their home and feel pride in their space.
  6. Spend some time thinking about how you can best meet your child’s needs and if there are changes you can make.
  7. Examine your needs as a parent. How can you meet these needs? Remember that the key to positive and successful parenting is to parent yourself first. You must meet your own needs so that you can best meet the needs of your child.
  8. Show affection towards each other. Expressing that you care both strengthens and celebrates your bond as a family unit.
  9. Think about respect within your family. Do you respect your children as you do other adults in your life? Do your children respect you? If not, think about why this is and what changes could be made.
  10. Aim to be a ‘good enough’ parent; no one is perfect and we do not want our children to feel they have to be perfect.

This article is part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips, and is by One Family’s Director of Children and Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly. Coming up Next Week: 10 Ways to Understand Why Children Misbehave and the Power of Positive Parenting.

Next you might like to read: 10 ways to Parent Self Care or 10 ways to Improve your Child’s Self Esteem

LIVE Facebook Q&A on this topic with Geraldine, 26 January from 11am-12pm on One Family’s Facebook page. Join in and post your questions.

Find out more about our parenting skills programmes and parent supports. For support and information on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email support@onefamily.ie.

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10 Ways to Talk to Your Children About Death

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Talking about Death250x250When someone in the family or community dies, children are at times kept away from it. Death is a very normal part of life and children, like adults, need to know and understand what is happening, at an age appropriate level of course. They also need closure and support to deal with the loss.

Many children’s first experience of death is that of a pet; it can be great for this to be a first experience as no matter how upsetting the loss is, it will not be as great as that of a family member.

When talking with children about death:

  1. Tell them the truth, someone has died, they will not be able to come back. Talk with them about where you believe they go to after death.
  2. Allow children to ask questions, although you may be very upset at this time, children need information to cope with the death. The more details they have the easier it can be for them. They will want to know how they died and why. You may not have all the answers and tell them if you don’t.
  3. Allow children be part of the funeral and days leading up to the funeral. Allow them time to look in the coffin when it is quiet. Allow them to examine the dead person and put things into the coffin with them, if they wish to.
  4. Bring them at a quiet time, not the first time you visit the coffin, allow yourself some space to grieve and then allow your child time with you.
  5. It is okay for children to see you upset. Sadness and grief are part of our human emotions. Children need to know we have them and your role is to support them to cope with these feelings.
  6. Always tell anyone working closely with your child about the death so they too can support the child in the weeks and months ahead.
  7. Children will continue to ask questions for what seems like forever.  Be patient with them and give them permission to talk and share memories of the dead person.
  8. Start your own traditions around how you will remember the dead person. Will you visit the grave, let off a balloon every so often, look at photos and talk about the good memories. Children don’t want to forget, so even though this may be hard for you to cope with at times when you need to get on with things, tell them it is okay to talk and remember, even if it does make you sad.
  9. If a child loses a sibling or an unborn sibling, share this with them. Create memories for them. It is very important that you can talk with them about this. They will know something has changed in the family, in you. It is important that as a child they know what has changed. We often want to protect children from terrible things that happen, but keeping them as part of the unit, close to you and helping them understand, is much more beneficial for them long term. Finding out as an adult about such things can be more heart breaking.
  10. Children will go through the stages of grief just as adults do. Support them and if at any stage you feel they need more support than you can offer, seek professional support for them through programmes such as Rainbows, Seasons of Growth, Play and Art Therapy and many other services.

This article is part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips, and is by One Family’s Director of Children and Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly.

LIVE Facebook Q&A on this topic with Geraldine, 19 January from 11am-12pm on One Family’s Facebook page. Join in and post your questions.

Find out more about our parenting skills programmes and parent supports. For support and information on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email support@onefamily.ie.

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10 Ways to Make Positive Parenting Changes

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Life often throws obstacles our way. Maybe you have had a tough year in 2014 and can recall more things that went badly than those that went well.  It happens to all of us at some time in our lives. Whether you feel this past year has been good or bad, this time as we transition into a new year can be the ideal time to take stock. It’s a good time to look back over the previous twelve months in a productive manner, with a view to making positive changes for your family in 2015. Give  yourself some quiet time to sit down with a notebook and pen, think about our suggestions below, and make your parenting plan for the brand new year ahead.

  1. Make a list of the top three things you love about your children.
  2. Make a list of the top three issues you can deal with well around parenting.
  3. Now that you are hopefully feeling a little more positive that things are never as bad as they seem, think about the things you need to make changes around.
  4. Name five areas of your parenting that you would like to change in the coming year. Write this plan into a nice diary or notebook that you will keep close with you all year. Or make a little poster and pin it up in your home to remind you of the goals you are setting for 2015.
  5. Start with introducing family meetings. If you don’t do this already then the time has come. As a parent your key role is to facilitate harmony in your home.  You cannot do this without everyone getting on board. Talk with your children about the idea of family meetings. Everyone gets to talk and be heard.  It’s a time for planning and sharing and most importantly solving issues. Have a family meeting book, use a notebook which will last the year and keep note each week of the meeting, the issues and the plan. This can make such a drastic change in families, you really should try it. When everyone is planning together and each family member feels they are being heard, then the plan is more likely to work. If it is your plan alone, you can bin it as it most likely will not work. Check out our 10 Ways to Run a Family Meeting for more information.
  6. Next you need to think about self-care. All parents need to make and value some time for themselves. This is especially valuable for anyone parenting on their own as no one else can do this for you so it’s important to acknowledge this and plan your own self-care. Without looking after yourself and meeting your own needs, you will not be able to continuously meet the needs of your family. Make a plan now of when you will get time out each week. What are your 3 top needs for this year? Name them and start planning. There is most often a simple way of meeting needs, but you have to be creative and positive that it is possible. Now write them up clearly and promise yourself that you deserve this time for you and your children will be much happier as a result. Happy Parents, Happy Home.
  7. Spend a week looking at you, at how you engage with your children. Is the picture one you like? If not then plan a change. Can you listen more and talk less? Can you ask for their story and not always tell yours? Can you empower your children to resolve their own issues instead of always trying to fix them for them? Can you put yourself in their shoes, what is life like for them? Can you talk with them and not at them? Can you see yourselves as team members who need to work together, cooperate with each other to get things done and needs met? Are the rules fair? Who made them? Is it time to review them? How many chances do you give? If the answer is more than one, then it’s time to think again. Talk with your child about choices, they choose to behave in certain ways, as do you, and we all face consequences. Are the consequences fair and does everyone face them?
  8. Think about your child’s other parent. What does it mean to your children to have two parents? Is your child’s other parent currently involved in parenting? What is your relationship like with the other parent? If there is room for improvement then try to make a change. Explore your style of communication and look at your role in any conflict. You can’t change your child’s other parent, you can only make changes for you, however positive changes often have ripple effects on others. For more suggestions, read 10 Ways to Explain an Absent Parent, 10 Ways to Successful Shared Parenting and 10 Ways to Positively Maintain Contact.
  9. Remember to contact One Family if you would like parenting support. We offer a variety of online information, one-to-one-supports, and parenting courses including a new online parenting support course starting this Spring. Click here to find out more. Maybe these supports are what you need to help you as you make positive change happen.
  10. You can also call or email our askonefamily helpline to talk about what is challenging you when starting into this new year ahead. You have the answers already, but you may need some support to dig them out.

mum and son playingThis article is part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips, and is by One Family’s Director of Children and Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly. Next week we examine how to put routines into place.

LIVE Facebook Q&A with Geraldine on Monday 5th January from 11am-12pm on One Family’s Facebook page. Join in and post your question.

Find out more about our parenting skills programmes and parent supports. For support and advice on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email support@onefamily.ie.

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10 Ways to Address Sibling Rivalry

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Girls sledding-250x250It is so easy as a parent to get caught in the cross fire of sibling arguments.  As parents there are some simple guidelines we can follow to support our children to sort it out. As part of our weekly parenting tips series, here are our ’10 Ways to Address Sibling Rivalry’.

  1. Never take sides.  No matter what age they are or what the gap is, hear what both have to say first and then move onto the next step.
  2. Clarify what you understand to be the issue and tell them to take steps to sort it out.
  3. Give them a clear time line in which to do this – in the next 10 minutes, today, this week – whatever is appropriate.
  4. If they cannot manage to resolve the issue, support them to.  You are the facilitator of this issue, the mediator in a sense. Help your children identify the problem, to hear what each other think and, most importantly, feel and then ask them to offer solutions.
  5. If they cannot cooperate in this process offer them a consequence. Tell them if they cannot agree to cooperate and find a solution then such a consequence will happen for them both. Remember – don’t take sides.
  6. If and when they manage to resolve the issue, then praise them for doing this.  If necessary ask them what they have agreed and support them to succeed in carrying out this plan.
  7. If they can’t come up with a solution, sit them down and help them brainstorm what they can do to resolve the dispute or an ongoing issue. Get them to write down the plan if they are old enough to. Keep it very simple if they are very young.
  8. Reward children with positive feedback when you find them playing and interacting well with each other. Often we only notice when they are arguing.
  9. Always ensure children are safe in this process. Never leave a child at risk of harm from another. Talk with them about respect and ground rules in your family. Ensure there are no double standards in how you behave and how your children are allowed to behave.
  10. Although you may have to support a child to be safe you should still work with each child to empower them to speak up and voice what they need to.  You are not doing your child any favours by acting for them all the time.  These skills they learn at home with siblings are valuable life skills they can take with them in every aspect of life.  Always try to reflect on what you are teaching all your children; the ones that speak up and the ones that stay quiet or wait for you to intervene and fix things. Try not to be the “fix it” parent.  Children can resolve their own issues, they just need your support to learn the skills and gain the confidence.

Next you might like to read 10 Ways to Run a Family Meeting.

This article is part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips, and is by One Family’s Director of Children and Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly. Coming soon:  10 Ways to Make Positive Parenting Changes.

LIVE Facebook Q&A with Geraldine on this topic  on Monday 5 January from 11am-12pm on One Family’s Facebook page. Join in and post your question.

Find out more about our parenting skills programmes and parent supports. For support and advice on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email support@onefamily.ie.

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10 Ways to Nurture Your Role as a Stepparent

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HandsThis week as part of our ongoing ’10 Ways to’ parenting tips series, we explore stepparenting. Television shows like The Brady Bunch or Modern Family might make it seem as though it’s pretty much all plain sailing but this is usually not the case. Being a stepparent can be a very difficult role within the family. The level of complexity it brings to the family and the individual is often underestimated by every family member. However, with patience and commitment, the rewards can be immense. Read on for our advice for stepparents on this important role.

  1. If you are the stepparent, talk with your partner about parenting. Understand very clearly how they parent and why they do it this way. Before you can actively start to support the parenting of their children, you need to agree together on the style of parenting which is comfortable for you both.
  2. Talk with your partner about his/her children and the role s/he wants as a parent of them. It is very important to accept that children are not going anywhere; can you have a relationship with your partner and his/her children, are you ready for the challenge? Are you ready to share this person with other very important people, their children? Are you ready and aware that your partner will always have to maintain a relationship with their child’s other biological parent?
  3. Talk with the children about the type of relationship they would like to have with you. If children are quite young, then you will most likely have to be an active stepparent when they are in your care and that of their biological parent.
  4. Explore with children what this will be like for them. You will most likely be moving from being their friend who does not interfere to a new active parenting role. Children can be very confused by this.  Explore feelings for everyone in the family. Talk with children and with each other about the challenges.
  5. Having family meetings can be key to a happy home. Involve children in planning, talk with them about issues and problems. Enable them to have a voice and a part in implementing new ways of living together.
  6. Children don’t like having too many people tell them what they can and cannot do. Talk with children about respect for everyone in the family and set ground rules around respect for each family member.
  7. Children can be very lucky to have a stepparent, another person who is there for them to support them and help them through the challenges of childhood.  However, building a very close relationship with the child will take time so you will need to put effort into this. Children may or may not naturally like you. You may or may not like them initially. Bonds take time to develop. Be realistic and always be patient.
  8. It is usually very important for the stepparent to understand and empathise with the other biological parent. Try to understand what it is like for him or her. Appreciate what it is like for them having a stepparent with their children. Do you know their style of parenting, can you talk with them about the children to help you understand each child and how they respond to discipline? Respect the child’s other parent always and value their role as the biological parent of your stepchildren.
  9. If all three parents can sit together a couple of times a year and talk about the children, what each person’s role is and how the children are coping with living within a stepparent family, everyone will benefit. Remember that children are central to harmony and the focus is on keeping them at the centre of parenting. If children are happy, then usually parents are happy.
  10. If you are not happy in your role as a stepparent, then you need to start talking. Are you confused about your role? You may not be a parent already and now you have children who already have two parents whom you have to try and understand and parent also. This is very challenging. You should not think it is easy, it will be a constant challenge, so allow yourself opportunities to discuss your concerns with a close friend. You can also seek professional support. It can be very helpful to take a parenting course so you can learn some key skills and insight into children, and how to identify their needs. Hopefully with your partner’s support, you can meet each child’s needs as well as your own.

Next you might like to read 10 Ways to Sensitive Integration of a Stepparent.

This article is part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips, and is by One Family’s Director of Children and Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly. Coming soon:  10 Ways to Make Christmas Stress Free and 10 Ways to Create Family Traditions at Christmas.

LIVE Facebook Q&A with Geraldine on stepparenting on Monday 15 December from 11am-12pm on One Family’s Facebook page. Join in and post your question.

Find out more about our parenting skills programmes and parent supports. For support and advice on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email support@onefamily.ie.

10 Ways to Establish Christmas Traditions for Your Family

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Advent Calendar 150x150Every family is different and many have their own special traditions at Christmas. Sometimes parents who are parenting alone, or families experiencing separation or in transition, might feel that their Christmas traditions aren’t somehow ‘as good’ as those we’re bombarded with on TV and in magazines around this time of year. Remember that those images of ‘perfect’ smiling families relaxing around roaring log fires with feasts that could actually feed twenty families are just that – images. In real life, a Christmas tradition is simply a shared experience between people who care about each other and enjoy spending quality time together. You can create your own that will be perfect for your family. Traditions provide children with a sense of belonging and continuity, and promote family well-being.

This week in our ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips, we explore some ideas for establishing  Christmas traditions. Starting a family Christmas tradition for you and your child will result in happy memories that will last a lifetime. It’s simple and doesn’t have to mean spending a lot of money.

  1. Start your traditions to coincide with the traditional Advent Calendar that every child usually loves. Very pretty Advent Calendars can be found in discount stores. You could even make your own.
  2. Make your Christmas cards with your children. The local discount shops also offer great value in art and craft materials. Most children love being creative with arts and crafts and this can be a great way to spend quality time together.
  3. Make Christmas cakes or puddings. Children love baking and it can be a very relaxing activity. Or you could consider buying a good value ready made cake that has not yet been decorated. You can allow your creativity to flow and decorate it together. Your children will be very excited to share it with Santa.
  4. Do fun things together as a family. Plan a time to visit Santa and enjoy a day out. Go to the park, wrap up warm. Bring a flask of hot chocolate and see the Christmas lights lit up in the evening. There are lots of organised family-friendly activities happening all over Ireland throughout December that are free to attend and enjoy.
  5. Allow the children save up some pocket money and set aside a time to bring them to buy little gifts for their family or school friends. Go to good value retailers and discount shops to find gifts for every budget.
  6. Set a date to put up the tree and make sure everyone knows beforehand so they can look forward to it. Do it together as a family. Children want to share in the excitement of putting on the decorations. Help them make their own new decoration each year to add to the tree. The tree doesn’t have to be perfect, just perfect for the family you have.
  7. Use some money that perhaps was allocated for present shopping for a day out at the Christmas panto. It should’t break the budget. From local community halls to the big stage, children will enjoy them all. These are memories that will stay with your child for ever.
  8. Plan Christmas Eve in advance. Does it need to be so busy? Can part of the day be spent relaxing? Bake treats for Santa, have a movie morning and watch your favourite Christmas movie together. Have a ‘pamper time’ where each person has to treat each family member. There are lots of things you could do. Go for walk in the local park, enjoy the atmosphere. Visit the Christmas markets and enjoy the smells, sights and sounds. Have breakfast together as a family, think back over the year and look forward to the next.
  9. Do something nice for you over the Christmas season. If you’re parenting alone, you need to acknowledge all you have done in the year. So pat yourself on the back this year. Your children are too young to be aware of all you do. Focus on what went well and give yourself a little treat.  Arrange for a family member or friend to babysit if possible, and take some time out for you. It can be as simple as a long soak in the bath with new scented bubble bath. One day off in the year is allowed!
  10. Try to avoid doing things because just others – whether family members or friends – expect you to. Do what suits your family and enjoy the time with them. Christmas will be over very fast and you will wonder what it was all about otherwise. Christmas is what you make it.

Next you might like to read 10 Ways to Make Christmas Stress Free, 10 Ways to Achieve Successful Shared Parenting at Christmas or 10 Ways to Develop Family Rituals and Traditions.

This article is part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips, and is by One Family’s Director of Children and Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly.

LIVE Facebook Q&A with Geraldine on creating Christmas traditions on Monday 8 December from 11am-12pm on One Family’s Facebook page. Join in and post your questions.

Find out more about our parenting skills programmes and parent supports. For support and advice on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email support@onefamily.ie.

 

10 Ways to Make Christmas Stress Free

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Christmas cup of teaChristmas can be a time of great pressure for many parents, meaning that stress can take much of the enjoyment away. It’s important to stop and ask why this is. Is it possible that we’re causing some of it ourselves by not managing expectations – our own and others, including our child’s. Why not aim to simplify Christmas this year by taking time to reduce stress, expense and over-the-top traditions. This week ’10 Ways’ in our parenting tips series becomes ’12 Ways’ as we explore how you can plan to make Christmas less stressful and more fun.

  1. Start budgeting and planning everything early on.
  2. Encourage children to write their letter to Santa in early November.
  3. Encourage them to ask for one special gift and a surprise. It’s not helpful to children to allow them to think they can have everything they want. Remember they must share all of the gifts Santa has with other children.
  4. Once you know what your child wants, try to seek out the best price you can, as early as you can (to help Santa). Use shops, internet shopping and the many sites that list classified ads. Often new toys are sold on these sites at bargain prices.
  5. It’s essential to spend what you can afford. Do not put yourself into debt for Christmas. All parents know that children often don’t play with half of what they get or value the extra things they didn’t ask for.
  6. Do your shopping as early as you can before the shops get really busy. Take a morning off when the children are in school to get some important shopping done.
  7. Children remember more about what you do as a family at Christmas than the gifts they receive. In next week’s 10 Ways to, we’ll explore ideas on creating family traditions.
  8. Agree with family members to only buy gifts for children or not at all. Children will usually get more than enough from Santa. Maybe plan a day out instead with friends and family.
  9. Or you could suggest a Kris Kindle so that everyone gets a gift without the costs getting so high, or agree on getting birthday presents instead throughout the year. Most people struggle with the cost of Christmas, your family will probably be delighted to hear such suggestions.
  10. Encourage family, especially grand-parents, to ask you for ideas so your child gets a gift they want. This takes the pressure off Santa.
  11. We all buy too much food at Christmas. Plan Christmas dinner and a few treats. Often the left overs do perfectly well the next day (or days!). Be realistic. Remember that the shops re-open on the 26th; there’s no need to stock up for two weeks as we often try to.
  12. Try to enjoy the build up to Christmas. Children usually love this time of year. It’s about family and fun together, try to keep it that way. Shop as little as you can. Enjoy the atmosphere and the cosy evenings at home.

Next you might like to read 10 Ways to Achieve Successful Shared Parenting at Christmas.

This article is part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips, and is by One Family’s Director of Children and Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly.

LIVE Facebook Q&A with Geraldine on how to reduce stress over Christmas on Monday 1 December from 11am-12pm on One Family’s Facebook page. Join in and post your questions.

Find out more about our parenting skills programmes and parent supports. For support and advice on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email support@onefamily.ie.

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10 Ways to Develop Play Time with Your Child

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Noah's ArkPlaytime with their parent is very important to children. Making time to sit down on the floor to play together is one of the best things you can do to support their development and your relationship with them. Some parents find it very difficult to value just sitting and playing. Sometimes a parent might even feel a bit awkward at first – after all, it’s probably been a long time since we ourselves did this –  but when you make yourself just do it, you will soon experience the immense enjoyment it can bring to both you and your child. Play is your child’s work so never underestimate its importance in their young lives.

Read on for this week’s parenting tips in our ’10 Ways to’ series which explores how parents can create and develop quality playtime with their child.

  1. Children are wonderful. Simply sit and watch them play and engage with materials. Enjoy how clever and curious they are.
  2. Smile with them when they discover something new and learn how to make things work for the first time. Admire how they can climb on the furniture, using their strength and determination. What wonderful qualities for your child to have.
  3. Talk with them and engage with them. Often we are so busy doing we don’t notice who our children are or actively listen to what they are saying.
  4. Why not challenge yourself to sit on the floor with your child for 20 minutes and simply see what comes of it. Try it over the next few days.
  5. Try not to sit down to play with an agenda in mind. Allow your child take the lead and to be in charge of the play time. Comment on what you see them actually do, e.g. “I can see you are putting the blue block into the teapot, and then pouring the tea out.”  Don’t say what you think, just what you see.
  6. Wait for your child to invite you into the game, and then do what they tell you to do. It is their game so respect this space and allow them be in control of life during play time. This is when they process what is happening in the big world every day for them. Watch and learn! And remember that you can allow yourself to have fun!
  7. Speak positively and try to let go of any naughties during this time. Later think about what went well and how you can support your child with what they find challenging. Think about how you can extend their play. Can you add real water to the tea set, bathe the doll, make paper aeroplanes and hang them up? What can you do and offer to your child to extend the play they enjoy. By doing this, you are supporting your child’s learning.
  8. Sometimes as parents we might have concerns about what we don’t like in our children, what we might see as their negative traits. But, within reason, these are perhaps not negative traits. Perhaps our own experiences have influenced us to think this way. Our role as parents is to support children to grow and achieve, helping them use their skills and talents to their advantage as they develop. Seeing their traits as positive and helping your child to see them as positive too is part of this. For example, what if your child is not cheeky, but strong willed? What can they achieve if they learn to use this skill well? They could be a future leader. Maybe your child is not shy or timid, but thoughtful and considerate of others. How can they best use this valuable trait?
  9. Making time for play with your child also helps you to identify what is missing from your child’s toy box that would support your child’s play and learning.
  10. Take on the challenge and you will never go back to just leaving children to play. Of course, at times it is important for children to play on their own or only with other children. They need their space from us too. But remember, making just 20 minutes to play with your child each day will keep you very closely connected to your child and enhance your current and future relationship.

LIVE Facebook Q&A with Geraldine on the topic of play on Monday 24 November from 11am-12pm on One Family’s Facebook page. Join in and post your question. Or why not try these tips beforehand and let Geraldine know on Monday how it went?

Next you might like to read 10 Ways to Make Play Dates Positive or 10 Ways to Make the Most of the Playground.

This article is part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips, and is by One Family’s Director of Children and Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly. Coming soon: 10 Ways to Nurture Your Role as a Stepparent and 10 Ways to Make Christmas Stress Free.

Find out more about our parenting skills programmes and parent supports. For support and advice on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email support@onefamily.ie.

 

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10 Ways to Explain an Absent Parent

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Smiling boyThe term ‘absent parent’ refers to a parent whom a child has never met or has had very little contact with. Note: This is different to a ‘non-resident parent’, ‘non-primary’ or ‘secondary carer’, or when parents co-parent/share parenting of their child.

People find themselves parenting alone through a variety of circumstances. It is natural that children will become curious about their other parent and start to ask questions about them as they grow. This can be very difficult to deal with as a parent, especially if processing our own feelings of hurt, rejection, anger or grief. What is most important is to be prepared for this question, and to be consistent, honest and straightforward.

This week, our ’10 Ways to’ series becomes ’15 Ways’ as we explore how to explain an absent parent to your child.

  1. Children will usually start to ask about their absent parent once they start school and start to notice that many children have two parents. Questions can increase as they grow – especially if they are working on family trees in school as they often do.
  2. The best approach to take is to be brave and tell them that yes, they have two parents. Then start to tell them a little about the other parent.
  3. You can tell them that the other parent was not yet ready to be a parent, perhaps that they were scared and choose not to do it. Reassure them that they have you and you are 100% committed to being their parent and to loving and supporting them.
  4. There is no value in painting a negative picture of the parent who is absent for many reasons and young children don’t need negative information. Keep it simple and give the basic information they need for now. “Yes, you do have two parents, your other parent is called [their name].” Talk about any similarities the child might have to the other parent.
  5. Take out any photographs you have of the other parent or photos with both parents. Talk with your child about when you and their other parent loved each other or really liked each other – whichever the case may be – and that you both made the child together.
  6. Create a ‘shoe box parent’ for the child. This is a box where you can place anything which has a story about the child’s other parent. This could be photos, pictures you make together of what the parent looks like, what he or she liked to do or eat, or places you visited with them.
  7. Talk with the child about any contact the other parent had with them and make it positive for them. When children grow up they will know the full story but for now, keep it simple. Children need to identify with both parents.
  8. Give some thought to making contact with an absent parent if it is safe to do so. Allow the other parent an opportunity to explore some form of contact. If this can’t happen, then work with your child to help them understand that maybe the other parent will be ready to be a parent some day. Often when children are very keen to meet an absent parent, it is because they feel this parent will meet a currently unmet need. This often turns out not to be the case. Help your child to identify their needs so you can try to meet them.
  9. Think about contact with extended family members of the other parent if you feel it is helpful for the child. Just because a person may not want to be a parent, that may not be the same for their family members. Enable grandparents in particular an opportunity to engage with their grandchild.
  10. Always allow children to ask you many questions and talk with you. Expect that every three years or so, another round of questions will come. Be patient with your child and give them permission to talk about the absent parent and ask any questions.
  11. Be honest and consistent and give them as much age appropriate information as you can. Often children just need basic information. They simply need to be able to say to other children, for example, “Yes, I have a daddy and his name is Jack.” Children are curious by nature so support them with this.
  12. It may be very hard to talk with your child about all of this, but be brave, take a deep breath and do it and then get support for yourself afterwards. Remember that your relationship with the other parent and what you experienced is not what your child has experienced. Most children do not feel rejected by not knowing an absent parent, it is we as the parents who feel rejection.
  13. Get support if you find it difficult to talk about the other parent. Many people don’t deal with the hurt and pain of the past and benefit from professional support to let go and move on. Allow life to give you all it has to offer.
  14. If you became pregnant or a lone parent through an abusive experience or relationship, get support to deal with this. You can still support your child to have a positive healthy childhood. Children don’t need to know the circumstances of how they came to be. Talk with them about who is in their life and how much they are loved. You can explore with them what they imagine life would be like with two parents and help them further explore the negatives and positives of that life. Talk with them about how wonderful that vision is for them. Don’t try to corrode it by being negative. Tell them that you are glad they shared that with you. You can’t make it different so just be the best parent you can be for your child.
  15. Children can grow up perfectly happily and successfully in a one-parent family, as current research shows. What they need are quality relationships with people in their life who like to spend quality time with them, people who understand them and who can support their needs. Once you can love your child and support them, they will and can be very happy and confident in their family form.

Next you might like to read 10 Ways to Talk With Your Child About “Where do I come from?”

This article is part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips, and is by One Family’s Director of Children and Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly. Coming soon: 10 Ways to Nurture Your Role as a Stepparent and 10 Ways to Make Christmas Stress Free.

LIVE Facebook Q&A with Geraldine on explaining an absent parent on Monday 17 November from 11am-12pm on One Family’s Facebook page. Join in and post your question.

Find out more about our parenting skills programmes and parent supports. For support and advice on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email support@onefamily.ie.

Christmas Candles

10 Ways to Achieve Successful Shared Parenting Over Christmas

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Christmas Candles 150x150Christmas doesn’t have to be a difficult time for parents who do not live together and share parenting of their child. There are, of course, things that will need to be worked out. What is most important is to do this well in advance, agreeing to solutions and a plan. Agree your plan now in November, to help ensure a happy, fun-filled Christmas for all members of the family, centered around your child. Read on for this week’s parenting tips which explore how parents can achieve successful shared parenting over the Christmas season.

  1. Start thinking it through and planning now.
  2. Plan with your child. Talk with your child about Christmas and explore with them that it lasts for more than one day.
  3. Tell them that both you and their other parent love them and enjoy time with them at Christmas. Ask your child how they would like Christmas to look. Talk with them about the options available.
  4. Try to hear your child in this. Most parents prefer to have their child with them on Christmas Day, and in many separated families it is not possible. See Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and St Stephen’s Day all as Christmas. You will have to agree if each year one of you has the children with them on the 25th and the other parent has them on the 24th or 26th.
  5. Talk with your child’s other parent. Ask them what they hope Christmas will look like and then start to negotiate on contact. Use assertive communication skills. Try not to jump in with a no straight away to what they hope for. Think of your child’s needs and how best you can both meet them. Don’t have these discussions in front of your child.
  6. Children love Christmas – if they don’t have parents arguing over them. All the gifts in the world won’t help if your child is distressed or worried. Talk and plan in advance and avoid conflict. Give each other space to think about what the other parent wants, then talk again about your shared plans.
  7. Explain to your child what will happen and that you and the other parent will try your best to ensure they have the Christmas they hope for. Make sure your child has the information they need in advance.
  8. Children are not going to object to two Christmases. Santa can leave gifts in both homes. Santa knows, of course, that some children have two homes. Families comes in all kinds of shapes and sizes.
  9. Talk about buying the gifts early on. Both parents usually want to be involved in this. Can each of you buy your own gifts from your child’s list and agree to give them on the one day or over two days? Often children get too much on the 25th – maybe they would appreciate receiving the gifts more spread out. Children need to share the excitement with both parents.
  10. If you need help to communicate with each other, seek professional support from services such as One Family’s Mediated Parenting Plans or Parent Mentoring services so you can make plans for a Christmas that everyone can look forward to.

Next you might like to read 10 Ways to Successful Shared Parenting.

This article is part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips, and is by One Family’s Director of Children and Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly. Coming soon: 10 Ways to Explain an Absent Parent and 10 Ways to Nurture Your Role as a Stepparent.

LIVE Facebook Q&A with Geraldine on shared parenting over Christmas on Monday 10 November from 11am-12pm on One Family’s Facebook page. Join in and post your questions.

Find out more about our parenting skills programmes and parent supports. For support and advice on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email support@onefamily.ie.