The Skill of Clear and Direct Communication

One Family is delighted to announce the relaunch of our newly updated and redesigned e-learning course, The Skill of Clear & Direct Communication. This course has been carefully developed to support parents in understanding healthy conflict and building positive relationships. Whether you are parenting alone, sharing parenting or navigating post-separation challenges, this programme offers essential tools to enhance your communication skills.

Why Take This Course

Clear and direct communication is the foundation of all healthy relationships. This programme equips parents with the skills to communicate assertively with their children, reducing conflict and misunderstandings – you will then find that the positive impact resulting from this will improve your general wellbeing and quality of life.

For people going through a separation or settling into a new life in the aftermath of a family break-up, this course provides guidance on maintaining effective communication with the other parent, ensuring that important conversations remain constructive and focused on the wellbeing of the child.

Designed as a standalone course, The Skill of Clear & Direct Communication is also a great introduction to our other parenting programmes. Alternatively, it serves as a valuable follow-on course, reinforcing key concepts that support positive family interactions.

What To Expect

This course is structured into five modules, guiding participants through a step-by-step journey of self-reflection, choice and use of communication styles, emotional awareness and practical application.

The key areas covered include:

Ways to Communicate – In this module you will learn about different approaches to communication and how to adopt a more effective, assertive style.
Emotions and Needs – This module will help you explore the connection between emotions, needs and behaviours in communication and interactions, and how to develop techniques for self-care and emotional resilience.
Managing Conflict – The content in this module will enable you to discover and create new ways to express yourself clearly, negotiate compromises effectively and approach disagreements with confidence.
Practicing New Skills – Here you will learn how to apply your new skills to your every-day life, by working through real-life scenarios where you exercise what you have learned and see how it benefits your family dynamic.
Reflection and Next Steps – In this last module, you will consolidate your learning and identify ways to continue developing your communication skills in your daily life.

How It Works

This programme is designed to be completed at your own pace, at your convenience and from the comfort of your home. You will have access to video content devised and produced by One Family‘s experienced staff, alongside additional learning resources to support your progress.

To gain the most from the course, we recommend setting aside approximately 40 minutes per day over a few weeks. Each unit takes around 20 minutes to complete, with optional exercises and journaling activities to deepen your learning. By engaging fully with the programme, you will not only develop new skills but also create meaningful changes in your relationships.

How To Enrol

The Skill of Clear & Direct Communication course is available for just €24.99, and provides unlimited continuous access to course content and resources. Whether you are looking to improve communication with your children, strengthen co-parenting interactions or simply gain confidence in expressing yourself in your day-to-day social interactions, this course offers practical, tried-and-tested strategies that can be applied in all areas of life.

Learn more about how to enrol, register and pay
for the course by watching the explainer video below.

Discover our full range of parenting e-learning courses here.

If you are ready to take the first step towards healthier relationships and improve your parenting experience, click below to access a preview of the course and complete the enrolment process.

Share this post with someone who might be interested in taking this course.

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One Family’s Parenting Team is delighted to announce the publication of a new children’s book, The Doshel Bond by Dr Sara Flynn. One Family’s Director of Parenting and Professional Training, Geraldine Kelly, worked with Dr Flynn on the book which supports parents and professionals to discuss tricky topics with children.

The book is a heart-rendering tale of parent and sibling relationships within a contemporary blended family. Some aspects of blended families can cause big emotions for children, young and old. The Doshel Bond highlights the importance of not shying away from the difficult conversations about these issues and provides caring adults with a gentle vehicle for open communication with children and also for personal self-reflection.

Appropriate prompts and questions are dotted throughout the story to give adults the language to carefully probe emotive issues with children, such as different rules in different houses, expressing challenging feelings and words for new family members. All families have their challenges – love and communication are the key components that pave the way through them.

One Family have sent over 400 free copies of the book to professionals working with one parent families across the country.

The book is now available to buy for a cost of €12.50 at all good bookshops and online at: Outside the Box

This book was developed with support from HSE National Lottery funding in partnership with One Family.
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One Family, today launched 5 new, low-cost, on-line e-learning parenting courses. The new e-courses, which are on the organisations new e-learning platform, can be completed in the comfort of your own home, at your own pace and are specially designed for people parenting alone, sharing parenting and parenting post separation (separating). To view courses click here.

One Family’s Director of Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly said, ” It’s so exciting to have these courses available to parents to complete in the comfort of their own homes and at their own pace. We know how much pressure parents are under especially with the schools still off and we hope the courses will support parents to overcome some of the challenges of parenting during lockdown and parenting through separation. While the courses are self-directed, we are still here for parents if they need further support.”

The e-courses are self-directed and include built in tutorials from One Family parenting staff. Courses include:

Parenting Through Stressful Times
The Skill of Clear & Direct Communication
Positive Parenting – For Changing Families
Family Communications – Coping With Family Life and Teens
Family Communications – Parenting When Separate

To view courses click here.

One Family’s tips on how to make blended families work was featured in an article by Sheila Wayman in the Irish Times on Wednesday 2 September. The article featured comment by One Family’s CEO Karen Kiernan on how to make blended families work – to read the article click: Irish Times article:

Meanwhile, our helpline staff have come up with a list of books that parents could find helpful when starting conversations with children about blended and shared families. Diverse families: onefamily.ie/booklist/diver and Blended Families: onefamily.ie/booklist/blend

One Family’s tips on how to make blended families work:

Never presume just because you as adults are in a good relationship that your children will be overjoyed to meet your new partner’s children;
Ensure your couple relationship is strong and stable before subjecting children to a blended family. You will need to agree how you both play a role in parenting each other’s children, especially if they are young and you are left in charge at times;
It must be made very clear to children that new partners are not replacing mum/dad. They should always call the new partner by their first name;
Children usually choose who they become friends with, so being landed with someone else’s children all of a sudden is not easy and they may not get along. Yet they need to feel at home in each parent’s home;
Children want to spend time with parents and not always with new blended families, unless you are very lucky. Sharing you may be a challenge;
If you have no children but are moving in with your new partner and their children, you need to do it in stages. It is a bit like being an uncle/aunt. You need to support the children to have a good relationship with both biological parents and extended family – this comes before your family;
Couple time is crucial. If you get caught up in childcare and parenting with no time as a couple, you will fall down. You must have a strong relationship, take time to talk and compromise, so you can parent children in the one home and meet their needs;
Include children in the planning to become a blended family. Include the other parent(s) in this plan too;
Explain family forms to children – do not presume they get it. Be factual and help them understand about whose mum/dad is whose biologically and otherwise, about step siblings and grandparents etc Help them explain their family form to others and to feel proud of the family form they belong to.

For more parenting tips click here:

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Talking to your Child about becoming seriously Ill

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Talking to your child about you, their parent, potentially becoming seriously ill is something most parents might think about, but hope will never come to pass. Therefore, planning what they would say and do is never put into action.
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It is hard to talk with your children about the possibility of you, not being there to care for them. However, taking the time to sit and talk with your child about the possibility of this happening is extremely important especially as we go through the COVID-19 crisis.
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Using props and play to support your child to understand the concept of Mammy or Daddy getting sick can be helpful. Sitting with older children and finding ways to introduce the topic through an art activity, a movie time, story time or just as you relax can work well. Children like to have something else to focus on when the topic at hand might be hard for them. Allow time for children to ask questions as you work through the fears and anxieties this will raise for them. Some children might ask no questions the first time to raise this issue with them.
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Follow up the conversations with more light-hearted games and activities. Reassure children that you are exploring the issue with them, so they know there is a plan in place. Be sensitive to their needs and their age; however, do not avoid the topic for fear of making children more anxious. Children are often thinking about things long before parents broach the subject with them.
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Children will have many questions and they will come back to you over and over in the coming weeks and months. New questions or old questions will be asked again as children try to process what is means for a parent to be sick; what it means for them and their care and wellbeing if a parent is sick. Something on the TV, in the paper or a conversation overheard will prompt them to ask more questions and gain more clarity. Offering reassurance by answering their questions will help them through such difficult concepts.
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Continue to make time for talking things through with family, not only illness. Plan time in your weekly routines for sitting and talking with your child. Children sometimes will save a question as they know the space will come up, rather than going looking for the space. Support children to understand that we all make plans, however it does not mean something will happen. Give them examples of other situations when you have planned for something that in the end was not needed.
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Expect your children’s behaviour to change over this time as they process new concepts that maybe difficult for them. Make time each day to incorporate 20 minutes of Quality Time. This is time in the busy day when you are fully present to your children; listening to them; available to them; allowing time to talk. We can feel because we are at home that we are with our children all day. However, if we monitor what we are doing as parents, we might notice how busy we are and how much time we are not fully engaged with children. Try to incorporate fun into each day, enjoy activities together and create good memories of COVID-19 too.
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The following tips will support you as a parent to understand what may be happening for your child at this time:

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Awkward Questions: As a parent you will already know there are many times children ask awkward questions. You will have had to be brave and find the answers no matter how hard. This is one of those times.
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Worry: Children, due to their very existence and developmental stage will worry about what happens to them if a parent gets sick or dies. This can happen more if one parent or another close relative has died. Who will look after them? Where will they live? Look out for all the tips around supporting children with worry/anxiety and build some actions into daily life.
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Time for Feelings: Talking about your children’s worries is important so you can try to understand what they worry about. Share a little with them about what you worry about too. Make sure to keep it appropriate to their age. Be open about feelings within the family. Make it safe to say how you feel.
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Identify Needs: What you as their parent might worry about could be somewhat different to that of your child or very much the same. Identifying your child’s needs at this time will help you to start creating a practical plan around supporting them. Unmet needs will create new and often challenging behaviours.
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Practical Steps: Consider what would happen if you were to become seriously ill. Focusing on taking practical steps will help you start a journey along with your child in preparing for changes. This does not need to be scary or create more anxiety than already exists. Creating the plan is about answering the questions you all have, that each of you are afraid to ask out loud.
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Children often like facts: Children will want to know who will look after them if they live alone with one parent. If Mammy or Daddy become sick and need to stay at the hospital, what is the plan? Be factual in the planning. Young children are not always ready for the emotional impact of a change; they often focus on practical changes first.
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Call askonefamily Lo-Call Help line 1890 662 212 for a listening ear, advice and support.
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This service can link you in with counselling and parenting supports. See www.onefamily.ie for more information.
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Extra Resources

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Talking with children about the death of a loved one:

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For a parent the thought of telling your children that you and their other parent are separating is incredibly hard to imagine not alone do. It is however crucially important that parents talk with their children as soon as possible once a decision to separate has been made. Very young children from two years of age need parents to sit with them and help them to understand that the family form is about to change. They need support and to be told how much they are loved. and will try to ensure moving forward that they will remain central to every decision their parents make.

Telling children 2-4 years old

If you have decided to separate and you are still in the same home but living separately or one parent is about to move out it is time to tell your child. Children are very observant and as much as you might think they do not notice that things have changed, they do. Children will be the first to notice and feel that something is different and they need your support to understand what this change is so they are not left feeling worried, anxious, scared and upset trying to figure out a feeling or a sense they have that is beyond their capacity to understand in so many ways.

Here are some helpful tips:

Sit with them as you play dolls or imaginative play and create two houses, two tents to play in. Introduce the concept of Mummy in one house and Daddy in the other house and then play a game of the child coming to spend time in each house. Help them to build the tent, what it looks like, what they would have in each tent to make it nice and safe, and a place they would like to be. What would Mummy need in her tent and Daddy in his tent? When the tents are built, talk with your child about what it would be like if there really were two tents, like two houses and that one parent was going to live in a new house, just like the tent and it would be safe and secure and the child would be part of that new house/tent. Hear what your child has to say. Gently explore what they come up with.
Children will have many practical concerns at this age about living in two homes around toys, belongings etc. Remember children at this age are still very egocentric and life is all about them and their needs. Talk with them gently about how you might be able to meet those concerns for them.
Allow the conversation to continue by using story books and art work. Draw images of family and home as you know it now and then again introduce two homes and what would they look like.
Tell your child clearly that Mummy and Daddy are going to live in two separate houses and build on this depending on how much capacity your child has to understand. Start with the truth and go from there.

Helping your child have the space to explore the practical change that separation would bring is key at this age. The conversation will need to go on after it is initiated and the children encouraged to play the game over and over so they can process how this might all work for them. Playing this game with your young child will help you as a parent to understand what their needs are, what they are worried about and what you as their parent need to do in order to support them through this major family life change.

Telling your children aged 5- 9 years old

Children of this age are a little wiser to the world. They are in school and they understand more clearly that children all have parents or carers. They will at this stage have a long enough history of living with both of their parents to really value what that offers to them. Children of this age notice everything and are sensitive to change. In their own lives they are managing so much in school as they engage with the community there, with extracurricular activities and the larger community. Introducing a family change can be very hard for them as they feel it emotionally more so than their younger counter parts as they are starting to understand emotions and how they feel and they can in many ways express it more clearly to us as parents.

Some helpful tips:

At this age group it is best for both parents to sit the children down together and tell them, for example, ‘Mummy and Daddy no longer want to live in the same house. You may have noticed we fight more than we should and we don’t think this is the best way for our family to be. We have decided that we are going to have two homes and live separately where you will live with us.’ It is really important to be clear with the children, do not leave them confused in the message you give to them.
Be very clear and direct with this age group, do not tell them false truths and do not blame one parent for the separation. Children love parents equally regardless of what either of you might do, they are loyal to both parents, so do not ask them to take sides, as in the long run you will create emotional turmoil for them. The issues of why the separation happened are for you as parents to figure out; it is your intimate relationship. What is necessary is that you accept that you are both parents of your young children and you are both going to move forward allowing each other to take a very active role in parenting and continuing to parent your child.
Allow your child to ask you questions. They may be shocked, as much as you might think they noticed something was changing, they will still be saddened to hear you say the change is going to actually happen.
Talk with your child about how two homes is going to happen. Do not allow them to witness a situation where one parent packs and says goodbye, this is heartbreaking for children to see a parent walk out the door, the sense of abandonment and hurt can be felt for many years.
Plan with your child, as much as you may not want to, around the next steps. Allow them be involved in making the changes as this will support them to understand it more clearly. By understanding what is happening they will develop the language to talk about it with you and with others.
Support children to know the separation is not a secret. They can tell their close friends if they wish to and talk to relatives about it. As parents it is really important to tell the school. Schools will notice a change in your child and they need to understand the background. This will also allow the school to be more sensitive to the issue in class work and activities.
Create plenty of opportunity for your child to talk about what is happening. Do not try to justify the changes or fix them. Just listen and tell your children you are happy they can talk about what worries them with you. As two parents separating you need to take this on board when arranging a shared parenting agreement, keeping your child central to the decisions you make going forward.
On the day you share this news with your child, try to ensure both parents can be around for them for the remainder of the day. Do something nurturing with them, reading a story, bath time, art work. Allow them time to go away and play and to find you again for more questions or a cuddle. Children will need a lot of reassurance that both parents still love them and will be there for them.

Children aged 10- 14 years

Children of this age can be very mature and portray an image that they can cope with a lot more than their age would suggest. However when it comes to matters of the heart, they are still children and will need a lot of support to understand and cope with family separation. At this age children are at a critical stage of change in their own development so adding a family change can bring great turmoil for them. This age group are very concerned with what others think and know about them. They will fear bullying, whispering and others talking about their family.

Children of this age could be acutely aware that the parental relationship was not working well, that there was conflict or unhappiness; however they may also have no other experience of family life so accept this is family life. They may be relieved that the conflict will end with the separation if the parents can manage to agree how to share parenting and move forward, unfortunately many parents do not stop the conflict at separation. Children can become very confused as to the benefit of the separation for anyone.

Some helpful tips:

Both parents sit down with your children and tell them very clearly that you have decided to separate and will no longer continue to live in the same home. Children may walk away when you tell them this, overwhelmed with emotion and unable to talk or ask questions. It is important for parents to be available to them for the remainder of the day.
Allow your children to ask questions, many will be about their own needs and just hear this. Children will worry about change and who will notice the change. They will usually be well connected into the greater community at this age so will worry about getting to activities and the costs involved. They will worry about where everyone will live and how big the changes are going to be.
At this stage it is important as two parents to reassure your children you are going to work with each other to find the best solutions to all of these worries as you both love your children and want the best for them. Try not to make promises at this time until you have both talked and agreed what the plan will be.
Children of this age will want to have a clear voice in what happens after separation and it is vitally important to listen to this. If a partner is not a good partner they may be the best parent and remember your child only has two parents and loves you both equally. They do not need to know what happened or be involved in the intimacy of what happened in the relationship. The relationship they have with you as their parent is very separate to the one you have with their other parent. Children will however want to know their can be agreements reached and harmony.
Plan with your children how the two homes will be created and how and when one parent will leave. Children will remember this event for life so try to ensure you are not adding to the grief they will feel by the way you carry this out. As much as you may resent the other parent, remember if you have decided to separate it is now about the business of sharing parenting and putting the children first.

For all parents regardless of child’s age:

Always be honest with children in an age appropriate way. Build on the truth.
Children are only interested in your relationship with them and how the separation will impact that.
Do not tell children one parent is to blame for the separation. Two people form a relationship and at the time of separation a lot of support may be required by both parents to help them explore and understand what went wrong in their relationship. Children cannot be caught in the middle of this.
Stop the conflict. If conflict formed a serious part of life leading up to the separation you need to seek professional support around how to learn to communicate more effectively with each other. Children do not suffer negatively because of family separation but they do with prolonged chronic parental conflict.
Ensure there is no gap in your child seeing the other parent, the parent who leaves the family home. Children need constant reassurance at this stage that both parents are there for them and they need to see each parent to know they are okay.
Look after yourself as you will need a vast amount of energy moving forward to build a positive parenting relationship with the other parent that will support your children moving forward positively.
Be open to creating a shared parenting plan that works for your children. Try not to listen to what others have done or what you think the norm is. Every family is unique and therefore the shared parenting plan should be unique to your family, ensuring your child’s needs are met within it. All plans will need to be adjusted over time as children grow and life changes and this should be expected and supported.

The article was writing by our Director of Parenting Services Geraldine Kelly. If you need support on separation, parenting through separation and sharing parenting contact One Family parenting supports at 01-662 9212 or email: info@onefamily.ie For confidential information and listening support call the askonefamily helpline on lo-call: 1890 662 212

Homework is considered to be beneficial in helping children to learn how to manage time, planning and priorities, and to learn independently and take responsibility. These are all skills that will help them in the future in many ways. Homework also helps teachers to determine how well students are understanding their lessons. It is important as parents that we support our children in doing their homework. This keeps us in touch with what’s happening at school and how our children are managing, and will help children to achieve academically throughout their education. As part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips, here are our 10 Ways to Manage Homework with Primary School Children.

Homework belongs to the child not the parent. Teach your child from entry to school that they are responsible for homework being done. Your role is to support your child with homework, but not to do it.
Create the necessary environment for your child to work in. They need a calm space with no TV or other distractions. Allow them time to relax when they come in from school and have a snack and change of clothes ready.
Always demonstrate an interest in your child’s homework, support them, champion them and stand up for them. You know them best, so encourage and support yet know when it’s time to stop. Know your limits and theirs.
Encourage your child if they feel it’s too hard. Acknowledge that it is hard but tell them you know they can do it. If you find yourself being negative with them, or saying something like, “Yes, you are no good at maths”, then it is advisable to look at your own issues with homework.
Set a start and end time for homework. Sometimes you may feel your child has too much homework on a particular day. Let the teacher know it will be completed by the end of the week rather than pushing a very tired child to finish it that evening.
The National Parents Council offers a guide to the amount of time each age group should spend on homework, stating that in general the following guidelines apply:
- Junior/Senior infants: No formal homework but perhaps some drawing, preliminary reading, matching shapes and pictures or listening to stories read by parents.
- First/Second class: 20-30 minutes.
- Third/Fourth class: 30-40 minutes.
- Fifth/Sixth class: 40-60 minutes.
When you are tired and your child is tired, it’s usually time to stop. Your level of patience will be lower. Remember that your relationship with your child is more important than homework.
Arguing late in the evening over homework leaves everyone unsettled and stressed which can lead to bedtime routines being disrupted.
Talk with the school/your child’s teacher if you feel your child cannot get their homework done without your help. Children should be able to do their homework alone with parents nearby. Your role should involve encouragement, checking it’s done, and testing them on key things such as spelling.
Sometimes children need time off too. Explore how many extra activities they have on and look at creating down time for them. Would you like to bring home work every day? A school day is long and it is important to acknowledge all the work they have already done that day. Try not to focus on the areas they’re less successful at as this will do nothing for self-esteem and achieve nothing. Appreciate that children have a lot on and need you to recognise the effort they are making in every task.

This article is part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips, and is by One Family’s Director of Children and Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly.

For support and advice on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email support@onefamily.ie.

According to The United Nations Rights of the Child, it is the right of the child to have contact with both parents after parental separation; yet many parents see it as their right, as parents, to have contact with their child.

When it comes to contact with children, mums can hold the power from day one: they carry the baby for nine months so straight away they make the very first decisions about the baby. All too easily, fathers can take a back seat in parenting and when a separation occurs they can struggle to assert their position as an involved father. So many separated fathers, whom I work with, want to be hands-on fathers. Men are as capable as women but culturally we are often led to believe they are not.

It is not good for children to see two parents without equal status. If society doesn’t encourage fathers to play an active role in parenting then we are not allowing children the full opportunities they are entitled to: the right to both parents provided it is safe for the child.

We need to separate out poor partners from poor parents: it is a different relationship. Children only have two biological parents; allowing them every opportunity to have a relationship with both parents is important to the positive outcome of their lives. Here we offer ’10 ways’ to support your child through shared parenting:

Explore what prevents you from allowing the other parent to have an active parenting role. Is this a genuine concern based upon facts or an opinion you have formed? Does your child feel safe and happy with the other parent? Try to follow their lead. Take small steps to try and build confidence in their ability.
Start with small steps changes in contact. Talk with your child about what they would like to happen.
Reassure your child that you trust that their other parent loves them and therefore you want both parents to be active in their life.
Ask the other parent to do practical things to support parenting rather than only getting involved for the fun parts.
Allow them to have opportunities to take children to and from school, to the doctor, the dentist and to after-school activities. Your child only has one life, it does not need to be separated into mum’s time and dad’s time.
Share practical information with the other parent about your child’s development and everyday life. Know what stage your child is at. Don’t expect to be told everything, find things out for yourself, ask questions, read up on child development and talk to the school if you are a legal guardian.
Pay your maintenance and don’t argue over the cost of raising a child. If you receive maintenance be realistic about what the other parent can afford. If you were parenting in the same home you would do everything you possibly could to ensure your child has what they need. It cannot be any different just because you parent separately.
Buy what your child needs and not what you want to buy for your child. It is always lovely to treat children but not when it means they have no winter coat. Talk with the other parent about what the child has and what they need.
Ask your family to respect your child’s other parent. They are, and always will be, the parent of your child. Children need to know that family respect their parents. It is not healthy for the extended family to hold prejudice over parents.
If you are finding it really difficult to allow your child have a relationship with their other parent, seek professional support to explore the reasons for this. There is obviously a lot of hurt and I am not dismissing this in anyway but if you can move on you will allow your child to have positive experiences.

This ’10 Ways to’ article is by One Family’s Director of Children & Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly, as part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips. You can read the full series here.

Find out more about our parenting skills programmes and parent supports. For support and information on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or on 01 662 9212.

Join the One Family Parenting Group online here

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