88% of parents unhappy with campaign posters

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Survey finds 75% of parents have discussed abortion with their children because of campaign.

A survey by One Family, Ireland’s organisation for people parenting alone, sharing parenting, and separating, has found that over 88% of parents think the referendum posters are unhelpful with 75% confirming the campaign has led to discussions with their children about abortion.

One Family, which provides crisis pregnancy and post abortion counselling services launched the survey last week following an escalation in the number of people seeking its counselling and parenting services, particularly its tips on how to speak to your child about abortion. The majority of those seeking support said they had done so after they, or their children, had seen graphic campaign posters.

Speaking about the results, One Family CEO Karen Kiernan said, “There has been a marked increase in women and couples seeking our counselling and parenting services. What we are finding is that parents are being triggered by the images into a conversation with their children that they are just not ready for. Many parents are particularly annoyed by posters that parents believe are targeting parents and children such as those being placed near schools. Although we don’t know how the parents might vote, overwhelmingly they are unhappy with the graphic posters.”

When asked ‘Have your children noticed the posters associated with the referendum campaign?’ 84% of parents said yes, their children had noticed the campaign while 88% answered No to the question ‘Have the posters associated with the referendum campaign been helpful to you as a parent?’

The survey found that 75% of parents had a discussion with their child about abortion because of the referendum but many did not do so proactively or willingly. Verbatim comments demonstrate some of the anger parents are feeling:

“This not a topic that I thought my 9 yr old was really ready to hear about or actually understand, but the more graphic posters from the no campaign made the topic impossible to avoid. Initially he was v shocked by the “killing babies” posters and was quite upset about it.”

The survey was conducted online by One Family through its social media and e-zine followers as well as via other organisations working with families and had over 300 respondents.  42% of parents who responded had children in the 6-10 age group, followed by 26% in the 3-5 age group and 20% in the 11+ age group.

 Selection of verbatim quotes from parents:

Q: Have your children noticed the posters associated with the referendum campaign?

“You can’t miss them 100 feet from their school gates.”

“Is it yes for abortion? What is abortion? Do you want abortion?”

“They are a constant source of discussion. They have come up in my child’s class 4th and when he was in 2nd classroom also discussed there. Think teachers are under pressure to provide age appropriate info. think it would associate abortion with killing and murder of babies because of the no posters and don’t know what effect this will have on these kids later.”

“ My 10 year old now informs me randomly that “1 in 5 ‘babies’ in the UK are aborted”

“Thankfully they are too young”

“My eldest son 9 has & can read. My 6 year old hasn’t noticed or hasn’t commented to me.”

Q: Have you discussed the issue of abortion and the referendum with your children as a result of the referendum campaign?

“I didn’t necessarily want to but had to. In the car. Images didn’t help at all. Would have likely discussed it but on my terms and in my words.”

“The campaigners left us with no choice but to discuss an issue which is not appropriate for our children”

“It’s been very difficult. I feel the posters are designed to be manipulative and to force parents into uncomfortable conversations with their children. Will the no side try to win at any price ? Even the innocence of children??”

“As far as it is Human Rights issue, content No poster not negative towards children”

“6 years old too young to discuss it with.”

“This not a topic that I thought my 9 yr old was really ready to hear about or actually understand, but the more graphic posters from the no campaign made the topic impossible to avoid. Initially he was v shocked by the “killing babies” posters and was quite upset about it.”

“He’s five so I’ve just explained about voting and we’ve practised voting with him and his younger sister on simple issues like what will we have for dinner. He hasnt read the word abortion he hasn’t asked so I haven’t discussed”.

Q: Have the posters associated with the referendum campaign been helpful to you as a parent?

“It’s nightmare explaining to 8 year old about abortion”

“I would have liked to have been in control of when we had the conversation.”

“Very difficult for them to get a balanced view when posters are so based on images of babies. I don’t think it is fair coverage. Referendum posters should be text only in my opinion.”

“Would answer somewhat helpful. Neither side is fully engaged or respectful with the impact this has on potential parents, pregnant women, but i would say particularly the No side has been disrespectful of women.”

“The images of foetuses on the posters with messages about killing etc. are extremely unhelpful because they have required explaining to my son (age 8) and that the No posters are lying about babies being aborted at 6 months, that they are just trying to manipulate people.”

“The posters are forcing parents to have to discuss a matter that’s just not appropriate for discussion with young children. I don’t want to tell my child why girls and women need access to a abortion ie when they have been raped, suicidal or when their life is at risk.”

“I’m lucky he hasn’t asked anything about the issue. But it’s been helpful to introduce the concept of voting and having a say in what the government does.”

 

Notes to Editor:

Survey ran online from Saturday 28 April to 9am Friday 4 May and 325 parents responded.

One Family, formerly Cherish, has been providing services and supports for people parenting alone, sharing parenting, and separating since 1972. One Family provides post-termination and crisis pregnancy counselling and supports to its clients in their roles as parents and into training, education and employment. One Family also provides support for children in one-parent families.

For more information on who we are and what we do please visit: www.onefamily.ie

One Family’s counselling services are funded by the HSE Sexual Heath and Crisis Pregnancy Programme (SHCPP). Details of HSE funded services are available on www.positiveoptions.ie and  www.abortionaftercare.ie

One Family’s parenting tips are available here:

www.onefamily.ie/how-to-talk-with-your-child-about-abortion-a-guide-from-one-family/

For more information please contact:

  • CEO, Karen Kiernan on tel: 086 850 9191
  • Communications and Events Manager, Noel Sweeney on tel: 085 7241294

How to talk with your child about abortion – A guide from One Family

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One Family is aware that many parents are struggling to answer questions from their children about the abortion referendum and the associated posters, leaflets and online content. We would like to offer some support to parents so they can talk with their children with confidence. Parents are also welcome to contact our askonefamily helpline on 1890662212 or 016629212

Here are some thoughts and tips for different aged children that you may find useful in the coming weeks. As a parent remember, you know your child best and know what they are capable of understanding.

 

Children aged 3-5 years

As the campaign heats up there will be visual images on posters, leaflets and the media that children as young as 3-5 years old may notice and ask why. Of course at this age, children are far too young to understand the complexity of abortion. But they may be upset or confused by some of the images that are used in the campaign.

For parents the key things to remember are:

  • Think about the age of your child when you are giving them information. Decide what is appropriate for them and what they can understand. It is important to help them learn, not to scare them or leave them feeling worried about issues. Think about the language your kids use and the stories your kids are familiar with try and put it into a language that they will understand.
  • If your young child asks why there is a picture of a baby on a poster, explain to them that there is a big thing called a vote on right now. This is a time when people in our country have to decide about something, just like your child has to decide. Tell them that people think many different things, just like your child may. You can explain to them that some people are using images to show what to decide and they would like others to hear their voice about this, just like your child wants to be heard when they have something to say.
  • If your child asks what the vote is about you can tell them that this is when a woman decides she is not ready to be a mum. She can go to the hospital and get support with this and this vote is about how to help the women.
  • Reassure your child that it is okay for people to  make decisions  and make their voice heard. However, also reassure them that these are only pictures and that they do not need to worry about the babies.
  • Try to then bring them back to more positive, easier to manage situations appropriate to their age. However, remember they will ask again tomorrow. They may ask more about what a vote is or some other word you used when talking with them.
  • Be patient and continue to use your good parenting skills – listen and take time to answer their questions in an age appropriate way. Explain to them and reassure them. Do it all again tomorrow and the next day until they are clear and are fully reassured.

 

Children aged 6-10 years

Children in this age group can take a great interest in what is going on around them, in their school, their local community and in their home. You will find they may be listening in on adult conversations more frequently, or listening to what is on the news as they are becoming very curious about the bigger world around them.

The campaigns on the upcoming referendum for the repeal of the 8th amendment will generate great curiosity for them. As a parent some key issues for you to consider in order to support your child in the coming weeks include:

  • Firstly, you need to be clear on where you stand on the issue of the referendum to repeal the 8th amendment. Understanding why you have your opinion and being able to explain this to your child in an age appropriate way is key to helping them.
  • At this age, factual information is still often what they require.
  • Explain to your child clearly what abortion is. Simple accurate wording is that ‘abortion is when a woman chooses to no longer be pregnant and her pregnancy is ended with a procedure called an abortion’. Another word for abortion is termination.
  • In Ireland we do not have the ability to have abortions and we are now being asked to vote to decide if we should allow women in Ireland to be able to make the decision to have an abortion or not.
  • Right now if a woman decides she does not want to be pregnant, she can go to England or another country and have the operation there. She can also take tablets in Ireland but she cannot have any help from doctors here doing this. This does not work for many women and has caused them problems.
  • Tell your child there are many reasons that women decide to have an abortion. You can tell them if you feel strongly either way. However try to stick to facts. At this age, they may not necessarily want to know, or have the capacity to understand what you believe. They want facts and knowledge. Children want to know why there are posters and why people are talking about the issue.
  • When they reach the next stage of development then it may be the right time to talk with them about what you believe about abortion and related issues.

 

Children aged 11 years and older

Children of this age range will hopefully have a good understanding of reproduction, sexuality and they may also be starting to experience relationships. Parents and schools will have hopefully have spoken in great detail with these young people about how their bodies work, how babies are formed and the importance of sex and relationships. Some young girls may already have started their period and may be very conscious of how a girl or woman can become pregnant. Many young people in this age range will be starting puberty so sexual development will be a key issue for them. Some areas to consider when supporting adolescents include:

  • These children and young people will need a lot of support from parents and adults around them to help them understand what the referendum to repeal the 8th amendment is all about. Making time to sit and talk with them is really important as they may not always proactively come to you and ask you their questions. However it is always best they get good information from their parents rather than mixed messages through social media, friends and the larger community.
  • For many parents it may seem easy to close down the conversation and offer moral reasoning to young people, however they may still not understand what the voting is all about. So it is important to try, no matter what you feel about the topic to explore it gently with them.
  • Explain what the legal situation is in Ireland. Women do not have the ability to end a pregnancy here unless they decide to travel abroad or access pills online without medical care.
  • Ensure they know what an abortion is. An abortion is when a woman has a medical procedure or takes special medication that will result in her no longer being pregnant.
  • Think about what you would want for your child, young person if they experienced an unplanned or crisis pregnancy in the future. Would you want them to have a choice?  Have you raised them to know they should always have options and that you will support them in the choices they make, although some will have very difficult and serious consequences?
  • Talk with young people about the importance of relationships, of contraception and consent within relationships. Help them to understand all the key issues they need to explore and understand so crisis pregnancy will hopefully never be an issue that they are presented with. However help them to understand clearly the issue of access to abortion that is presenting today in Ireland.
  • Your young people are not old enough to vote, so you do not need to convince them of what they should think. It is about giving them good clear information and allowing them form their own opinions, just as you most likely do with so many other issues that have come up over the years.  Respecting their opinion will encourage them to respect your opinion.

 

Media | One Family Podcast: Farewell to Cherish House

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Last month, after over forty years in Cherish House on Lower Pembroke Street, One Family moved to new premises in Smithfield, Dublin 7 to more fully meet the need of parents and children as demand for our supports and services continues to grow. While looking forward to the move and to welcoming clients to the new building, everyone who has lived, worked or visited Cherish House over the decades has been moved by the story of the building, by its history and by the memories it holds.

Just before moving, our founding member Maura O’Dea Higgins and some of One Family’s staff team spoke with producer Judy-Meg Ní Chinnéide about Cherish House. Maura recalls trying to find other women who were lone parents in 1970s Ireland, how the organisation came into being in Cherish House, and the early days of meetings by firelight when there was no electricity. Staff shared what the building and its people have meant to us and to the families who lived here when they had nowhere else to go, and how will we carry those memories with us into the future.

Listen to the podcast on the link below (7.5 minutes duration). We hope you enjoy it.

 

Music credit: Søren Nissen Jørgensen.

The music on this podcast is shared under a Creative Commons license by its composer Søren Nissen Jørgensen.

News | Our 45th Anniversary Media Interviews and Open Door Day

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One Family celebrates 45 years in 2017. We were founded by a small group of strong, brave women in 1972. You can read more about our history here. This year, we will also be moving from Cherish House on Lower Pembroke Street, our home for over 40 years, to our new building in Smithfield, Dublin 7 next month. It is fully accessible and larger, so that we can further extend our services to support even more parents and children through difficult times.

Yesterday our founding member Maura O’Dea Richards and our CEO Karen Kiernan were interviewed on RTÉ Radio 1’s Ray D’Arcy Show. Maura shared her personal story, including how she had to hide her pregnancy and how she fought for the right to rear her child, in a passionate, funny and moving interview which you can listen to on this link.

It was an honour to receive the following message from President Michael D Higgins for Maura, which was sent to,and read out on, the Ray D’Arcy Show:

For many years single mothers in our society were an excluded group of people without a voice. I thank you for all you’ve done in promoting an inclusive citizenship by ensuring that lone parents and their children are treated with respect and are valued as a family within our society.

Your contribution to changing the landscape for lone parents in this county has been a significant one. I congratulate you for your dedication and commitment and I wish you every success in the future.

President Michael D Higgins

Today in the Irish Times, Sheila Wayman speaks with three women about their experiences of parenting alone across the generations, and across four decades, to ask what has or has not changed in Irish society in the time since our founding? Sharing their stories are our founding member Evelyn Forde, Sharon Keane and Lee Nagle. You can read the feature here.

Tomorrow, Wednesday 28 June, we invite people who would like to wish farewell to Cherish House to join us between 10am-4pm for our Open Door Day when an exhibition of photographs and archive materials will be on display at 2 Lower Pembroke Street, Dublin 2.

If you would like to support our Building Futures Fund and the refurbishment of our new building, you can find out more here.

 

 

News | One Family Summary of Budget 2017

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One Family has summarised Budget 2017 changes which may be relevant to people parenting alone or sharing parenting, as announced on Tuesday 11th October 2016.

Social Welfare Payments

Basic Rate of Payment

Including One Parent Family Payment, Jobseeker’s Allowance Transition, Jobseeker’s Allowance, Carer’s Allowance and others.
This includes employment programmes such as CE, TÚS and Rural Social Scheme.
Proportionate increases in weekly payments for qualified adults will apply from March 2017 (applies to full rate payment recipients).

€5 weekly increase.

_______________________________________________

One Parent Family Payment & Jobseeker’s Transition

For those in employment, the weekly income disregard will increase from €90 to €110 from January 2017. This means that the first €110 of earnings will be ignored and half of the remainder of earnings will be assessed to give a new rate of One Parent Family Payment or Jobseeker’s Transition. Combined with the €5 basic rate increase, this should result in an increase of €15 per week for recipients of OFP and JST.

Income Disregard increased by €20 per week

_______________________________________________

Child Benefit

The current rate remains at €140 per month.

No change.

_______________________________________________

Secondary Payments

Fuel Allowance

Currently €22.50 weekly.

No change.

_______________________________________________

Education

Back to Education Allowance

Cost of Education Allowance (re)introduced per annum for all parents in receipt of Back to Education Allowance.

€500 Cost of Education Allowance annually.

Back to Education Allowance to increase by €5 per week.

_______________________________________________

School Meals

Funding for School Meals being increased so that 50,000 extra children can benefit, further details to be received.

Widening of the scheme.

_______________________________________________

Back to School Clothing and Footwear Allowance

The allowance paid for each eligible child aged 4-11 is €100. The allowance paid for each eligible child aged 12-22 is €200.

No change.

_______________________________________________

Work

Family Income Supplement

Household income thresholds remain at 2016 levels, and no qualifying hours criteria change.

No change.

_______________________________________________

Income Tax, PRSI and Universal Social Charge

Self Employed – Earned Income Tax Credit increased to €950.

Changes for self-employed.

USC – Three lowest bands each reduced by 0.5% and the €18,668 band raised to €18,772 from 1 January.

USC band changes.

_______________________________________________

Back to Work Enterprise Allowance

A proportionate €5 increase to Back to Work Enterprise Allowance and now accessible to Jobseekers moving to self-employment after 9 months, down from 12 months.

Proportionate €5 increase& eligibility expanded.

_______________________________________________

Minimum Wage

Increase to €9.25 from €9.15 per hour.

10c per hour increase.

_______________________________________________

Housing

Housing Assistance Payment

HAP – Additional €105 million (220% increase) for Housing Assistance Payment (HAP) to accommodate an additional 15,000 households and a total of over 21,000social housing applicants in private rented accommodation.
Further details to be received.

Allocation increase.

_______________________________________________

Other

Childcare

New – A new scheme, the Single Affordable Childcare Scheme, will commence in September 2017. It will provide means-tested subsidies, based on parental income, for children aged between six months and 15 years, and universal subsidies for all children aged six months to three years who are cared for by Tusla-registered childminders/care centres.

Households earning up to €47,500 net income will be able to avail of this subsidised childcare. The highest levels of subsidy will be provided to those on lower incomes, approximately €8,000 a year, based on the maximum of 40-hours childcare a week.

Single Affordable Childcare Scheme introduced.

_______________________________________________

ECCE Scheme

ECCE – There will be further roll-out of the Early Childhood Care and Education Scheme (ECCE) to apply to all children from age three until they start school.

ECCE Scheme expanded.

_______________________________________________

Medical Card

Medical card will be available for all children who receive Domiciliary Care Allowance. Prescription charges unchanged for those aged under 69.

Eligibility extended.

_______________________________________________

Christmas Bonus

Christmas bonus will be paid in December 2017 to long-term social welfare recipients (15 months or more)at a rate of 85% of their payment; this includes those on One-Parent Family Payment, Jobseeker’s Allowance Transition, Jobseeker’s Allowance, Back to Work Family Dividend, Carer’s Allowance, Disability Allowance, Widow/Widower’s/Surviving Civil Partner’s Pensions. This also includes employment and education programmes such as CE, JobBridge, Back to Work Enterprise Allowance, Back to Education Allowance, VTOS etc.

10% Increase.

_______________________________________________

For further information visit the official Government Budget page here

#Budget2017

Better Together video still

Vote for One Family in the Better Together Video Competition

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One Family has entered the Better Together video competition. With your help, we could win €1,000 towards our work with and for one-parent families, people sharing parenting and families in transition. Our video was filmed at our annual Family Day Festival this year. We founded and promote Family Day, inspired by UN International Day of Families, to raise awareness of family diversity in Ireland today and to celebrate all families. We believe that society is better when all its members feel valued and included.

It’s easy for you to help and takes just two minutes. Simply watch and vote for our video on this link. If we receive enough votes, One Family’s video will be among 70 shortlisted for assessment by a panel of judges.

Please vote every day until 21 November.

Better Together video still

If you wish, you can also make a donation towards our work on the same link.

Thank you for your support. We are also grateful to talented videographer Gerard O’Donnell.

 

 

 

Positive Parenting for Changing Families | The Family Law System

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During National Parents Week 2014 we’re asking, “What’s the important issue for you around positive parenting for changing families?” Watch this short video where Donagh McGowan, Solicitor and incoming Chair of the Law Society Family Law Committee and member of the Family Law Court Development Committee, talks about his important issue: how to address the failings of the current family law system.

Donagh was a speaker at our Positive Parenting for Changing Families Seminar on Tuesday 21 October in Dublin Castle. Other speakers included: Stella Owens, Centre for Effective Services, Chair of Special Interest Group on Supporting Parents; Helen Deely, Head of HSE Crisis Pregnancy Programme; and Niall Egan, Jobseekers and One Parent Family Policy Section, Department of Social Protection. The panel was chaired by Dr Anne-Marie McGauran, NESC, and One Family Board member.

 

Autumn Leaves

In her own words, Tina’s story

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It is National Parents Week, a time to celebrate all the wonderful parents out there who are raising happy, healthy children in all kinds of circumstances and family structures. The routes to lone parenthood are many and varied, and everyone has their own story.

Recently Tina wrote to us after the birth of her little boy. His father has opted not to be a part of his son’s life. This is Tina’s story.

My name is Tina and I’m from Offaly. I’ve recently become a single parent and when I stumbled across this site I shed a few tears of happiness to see that I’m not alone.

My story started back in November 2013 when I started dating someone I’ve known for a while and thought was genuinely decent. After a few months together I started to get the inkling that I could be wrong and so stopped seeing him. When I split with him I came off the pill as I noticed I had started to gain a few pounds and wanted to trim down a bit but after two months with my tummy only getting bigger I decided to do a pregnancy test to rule out that reason. When the test displayed a positive result I was fit to collapse with the shock! I had been taking a contraceptive pill yet a little life was growing inside me.

I confirmed the result the next day with the doctor and felt the next step was to inform the father. I had already realised we weren’t a good match but I thought there was no reason why we couldn’t get along for the child’s sake. Then I met with him.

He spent hours trying to convince me to abort on the grounds that he had gotten back with his ex who he loved very much, that his mother would disown him for not being in a committed relationship with the mother of his child, and that he already has a dog who he considers his child.

When he realised I wasn’t going to do what he wanted and have an abortion, he then decided to hammer home how important it was never to reveal his identity and how this included my not pursuing him for maintenance. The last I heard of him he tried to get me to meet him to sign something that’d release him from paying maintenance.

I was now starting into my third trimester and also in the middle of trying to renovate my very dilapidated home on a very small budget. I was living in a house that had no doors, no kitchen, bare concrete floors, hardly any furniture and constant problems with pests. I had my aging father living with me who needs caring for as well. So I cried my tears and got over the shock and got on with it.

I dedicated the last few months to getting parts of the house ready and ensuring a healthy lifestyle. Two weeks ago I gave birth to a healthy little boy who is currently thriving. He has filled my heart with love and made all the pain and hard graft seem worth it. I have the support of a wonderful family. It is my mission in life to do whatever it takes to make sure that my little boy is loved and never feels an ounce of rejection as a result of what his father did.

When I see the blatant disregard for single parent families in this country it makes me sad and angry at the same time. My son doesn’t deserve to be a statistic or the subject of a study into the harsh implications of single parent life on a child’s wellbeing. When I came across this site, I was delighted to see that there’s someone fighting our corner.

I would like an Ireland where my son won’t have to be ashamed of how many parents he has. He has one sitting here writing this who would do anything in the world to protect him. I’ve done all I could and continue to do so for his happiness.

* The name and location of the author have been changed. Everything else remains her story in her own words, as told to One Family.

 

Modern Family on Today FM featuring One Family

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Modern Family is a new Today FM four-part documentary series on family diversity in Ireland, funded by the Broadcasting Authority of Ireland and narrated by Ray D’Arcy and produced by Mary Carroll.

The series aims to explore the changing face of modern families. Part 4 is a focus on one-parent families and separated parents sharing parenting. It features interviews with one of our founders, Evelyn Forde, and other One Family friends and colleagues.

The four episodes will be first broadcast over this Easter Weekend as below:

  1. Modern Family Ep1: Same-sex parents | Friday 18 April 10.30am (Listen back here)
  2. Modern Family Ep2: Families with disabilities | Saturday 19 April 10.30am (Listen back here)
  3. Modern Family Ep3: Immigrant families | Sunday 20 April 9.30am (Listen back here)
  4. Modern Family Ep4: One-parent families | Monday 21 April 10.30am (Listen back here)

Note that we will update this post with links to listen back to each episode as they become available.

Further details:

Episode 1 – Same-sex parents More than two decades ago, when Bernadette and Ann decided to start a family as a lesbian couple, they were ahead of their time. Together they raised their two sons, Conor and Darragh in a society where they sometimes felt isolated and stigmatised as same-sex parents. Clare and Aishling met when they were in school. When Clare hit her 30s the pair started talking about having children. They decided to use donor sperm for artificial insemination and they now have a son, Darragh. Glenn and Adriano became the first gay couple in the state to have their civil partnership formally recognised back in January 2011. Glenn has a nine year-old daughter and shares her parenting duties with her mother.

Episode 2 – Families with disabilities Until the age of 18 Julie lived in institutions – residential centres for children with disabilities. She was one of the first children from the hospital to attend the local secondary school and was the first person in a wheelchair to be recruited in the Civil Service. She is married to Mick and has three children. She talks about the challenges she faced in 1970s Ireland, a society where disabled people were invisible. Cerebral Palsy sufferer Ken Kelly is engaged to Gillian Murray, who has Spina Bifida. They want to move in together but there is a lot that has to be considered. Kieran Coppinger is from Mervue in Galway and has Down Syndrome and he talks about his desire to find a girlfriend and his burgeoning acting career.

Episode 3 – Immigrant families Dr Moosajee Bhamjee was Ireland’s first black, Muslim TD. Originally from South Africa (born to Indian parents), he came to Dublin in 1965 where he studied medicine at the Royal College of Surgeons. He tells us how Irish society has evolved since he arrived over forty years ago. Born in Italy and raised in Sri Lanka, broadcaster and social justice activist Dil Wickremasinghe feels thoroughly Irish. She moved here fourteen years ago and as a gay woman she felt immediately welcome. Tomasz Kostienko and his family came to Ireland in 2007. Tomasz felt accepted straight away and his three children now call Ireland home but he dreams of returning to Poland.  Others have not felt so welcome. Refugee Lassane Ouedraogo arrived here from Burkina Faso seven years ago. He has found it difficult to be accepted in and has experienced racism from Irish people.

Episode 4 – One-parent families Today in Ireland, over half a million people live in one-parent families. However, a generation ago, being a lone parent was strongly disapproved of. When Evelyn Forde realised she was pregnant in 1973, she was faced with the heartbreaking dilemma of whether or not to put her child up for adoption. Labour TD Ciara Conway became pregnant in her final year of college. Her daughter Aeva-May is now 11 years old and Ciara speaks about the difficulties of juggling a hectic work and family life. Three years ago Ciara met Gary and they married at Christmas. Aeva-May talks about bringing Gary into their family. Bonnie Brady is raising her son Jayden alone. She speaks about how her life changed dramatically when Jayden arrived and how difficult it is to make ends meet and pursue her career while parenting alone. Paul and his partner separated when their son Eoin was six months old. They share parenting duties now, but spent years fighting over access. It took Paul a long time to learn that every decision he made had to be in Eoin’s best interest, not his.

Our Thoughts on Mother’s Day

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One Family board members, staff, volunteers and lone parents working with us on policy issues respond to the question, “What does Mother’s Day mean to you this year?”

When I was small I would steal daffodils for my mother from the neighbour’s garden. I would fill my hands with the stems until I could hold no more and run all the way home, heart full, longing to please the most important woman in my life. Mother’s Day reminds me of that longing. It reminds me of spring, of fresh starts and of daffodils.

– Katriona, Board Member

This year, Mother’s Day for me is bittersweet. I am 37 weeks pregnant so I’m missing it by 3 weeks, but because I am so excited to become a first time mum I most certainly will celebrate. My plan is to visit my mum’s grave and bring fresh flowers – to have a little chat with her at her graveside, to sit, think, and relish the memories I have of when she was here and we celebrated Mother’s Day with her.

When she passed away, I took legal guardianship of my brothers and sister. You could say I have been like a step-mum in some ways. I would not say ‘Mother’ as I could never take her place. She was, and always will be, very special to me. My brothers and sister have grown up now, so I am really excited to start my own little family. Scared and excited all at the same time …

What gives me hope and makes me smile, is knowing that my mum will always be watching down on us – myself, my brothers, sister, my beautiful nephew and, of course, my new little Bundle of Joy.

– Nicola, Receptionist

What does Mother’s Day mean this year? In 2014? This is the year my son will turn 10. And I turn 40. Oh. My. God. Life begins this year, I am told.

My “life”, as a mother, began in 2004. That June, I was working fulltime in Dublin, had savings, my independence. By July, I had a newborn. In 2015, I will lose the allowance the Government gives us to live on. I wish I could afford childcare so I can work part-time. But it is not affordable.

Nevertheless, I am up-skilling again, like when I sold my car to fund childcare in 2009, but this year I’ll study online at night. I am a caring, hard-working and intelligent mother. I am resourceful. But I am afraid.

So this Mother’s Day, I will be cutting corners, spending as little as possible and hoping that 2015 will not mean abject poverty.

– Deirdre, Budget Panel 

1960. I am nine years old and my brother is 8. We’ve been saving for weeks because Mother’s Day is coming. There is a tiny shop on Dún Laoghaire main street called Graces. It is filled with treasure including a selection of real diamond jewellery. We know they are real diamonds because they glitter so beautifully and look just like the necklaces and tiaras we have seen the queen wear, or Elizabeth Taylor, in magazine pictures.

We can choose from bracelets, tiaras, necklaces and earrings. We visit the shop many times over the weeks, staring at the window display, and finally pick a dazzling necklace, a magnificent cascade of glittering diamonds. The amused assistant puts it in a velvet box and wraps it for us. We are thrilled with ourselves. We’ve got it and Mum doesn’t know!

My Mum worked two jobs to keep us fed, clothed and a roof over our heads. She probably hadn’t been out for the evening in years. But she wore that outrageous piece of costume jewellery, with her cardi and a big grin, all Mother’s Day. What a hero! Mother’s Day is for my Mum.

– Sherie, Director of Counselling

My first thought about Mother’s day is my daughter’s tiny black haired head appearing for the first time. Enthralled, I whispered unheeded encouragements into her mother’s ear.

Since then, Mother’s Day is a time to appreciate her mother’s love, sacrifice and constant caring for the child we parent. That experience has made me more appreciate my own mother and what she forwent to rear my siblings and me.

Each and every child is like a pebble dropped into a still pond. The ripples travel far and wide affecting all in their path. Mothers have been, are and always will be a potential force for good in a troubled world.

My daughter’s mother birthed a child who has been my redemption.

– Declan, previous Board Member

My children are still small enough to be excited about holidays. They don’t distinguish between them – Pancake Tuesday is as important as Mother’s Day. Both are joyous events. They are delighted to spend time making me a card. It’s a privilege to be woken by them and receive kisses – one impulsively shared, the other requested and more self-consciously given – and wished a Happy Mother’s Day.

I’ll ring my own mum and wish her the same. Does she wish, I wonder, that she and I were still at that stage; when you are the most important person in your child’s life? How will I feel when my children move past me into themselves and their own lives?

– Linda, Administration Supervisor

My daughters and I like to play a game we call “guess how much I love you”. All the way out to the far reaches of the universe and back again is only a trillionth of how much I love you – these are measures we use.

But I know they don’t yet understand the gift of love they have given me by agreeing to be my children.  They each have only one mother to love, but I have four children, my two daughters and my stepson and stepdaughter.

As I sometimes say to them my love is not a cake that gets divided in to child shaped sizes and then eaten up by a certain date – it is infinite.   At its simplest it is a kiss good night and a welcoming smile to a tousle head in the morning.  But at the other end of the scale it is the quantum complexity that states that no matter where they are, how old they get, or whether they are mischievous or charming, or even just being, their four hearts beat a symphony of love that nourishes my body and sustains my soul.

The secret of motherhood is that love multiplies exponentially, not divides.  This is the gift given to me by children.  This is what I celebrate today.

– Iseult, Board Member

Mothering Sunday means little to me. I’m mothering alone everyday for over 10 years with little external support or recognition for my efforts. But the rewards come in the form of regular laughter, hugs, health and happiness and the ‘Wow’ moments that occur with physical growth spurts and developments in mental maturity. That’s when I am proud of my mothering of another human being and realise that my contribution to the human race is growing into a decent person who will go on touch the lives of many in a positive, compassionate way.

– Noreen, Budget Panel

Anna Jarvis, founder of Mothers’ Day, later tried to have the holiday destroyed: she soured on the commercial interests associated with the day. She wanted Mother’s Day “to be a day of sentiment, not profit.” Beginning around 1920, she urged people to stop buying flowers and other gifts for their mothers. She referred to the florists, greeting card manufacturers and the confectionery industry as “charlatans, bandits, pirates, racketeers, kidnappers and termites that would undermine with their greed one of the finest, noblest and truest movements and celebrations.” She attempted to stop the floral industry by threatening to file lawsuits and by applying to trademark the carnation together with the words “Mother’s Day” though she was denied the trademark.

Jarvis’s ideal observance of Mother’s Day would be a visit home or writing a long letter to your mother. She couldn’t stand those who sold and used greeting cards. “Any mother would rather have a line of the worst scribble from her son or daughter than any fancy greeting card,” she said.

In 2014, I support her. It’s too commercial. It’s outdated and it doesn’t reflect the diversity of families we have to-day. Instead we should celebrate parenting and nurturing and call for the abolition of Mother’s and Father’s Days combining into Family Day: a day to celebrate our individual dynamic family heritage.

– Stuart, Director of Policy & Programmes

After I had my son Mother’s Day began to mean a lot to me.  I was alone, my husband had left us, my child was premature and sick and every day I struggled to cope. So for me, each Mother’s Day represented that I’d won the battle and gotten through another year. No matter what I always felt happy on this day. Strong; like I was a survivor, not a victim. Though usually negative, my self-talk turned positive and predominately strong on this day. I’d tell myself I’d done a really good job and reflect on the ups and downs of the year. I’d bring my son with me to treat myself to a nice lunch on this day and some wine. Now that he’s older at seven, and a strong little man himself, I don’t struggle to cope so much anymore. Although it’s still there sometimes, there’s no longer a daily battle with depression, isolation, frustration and loneliness. Things are so much brighter for us now.

I see Mother’s Day as a symbol  of hope that no matter what happens I can cope, that things will continue to get better, as a tribute to all women who are mothers, and as mothers united bestowing respect upon one another. Especially the ‘bad ass’ ones who are doing it alone.

– Ellen, One Family Budget Panel

I was born on my mother’s 33rd birthday and to recognise this I was named after my mother. I grew up in a house with eleven people including six siblings, parents and grandparents, so it was hard to get attention. Still, I always felt that I was special because I had been born on the same day as my mother and we had the same name – as a child it felt like we had a special bond. Now I call my Mum on our birthday and I say “Happy Birthday Valerie” and she returns the sentiment. “Happy Birthday Valerie.” It is the only time of the year that I call my mother by her first name. I guess it has become our little tradition.

My own daughter was due on my birthday and I was hoping to continue the family tradition and name her after my mother and I but she arrived a little late, as children tend to do, so it was not meant to be. Since becoming a mother myself, I appreciate so much more everything that my mother has done for me. I realise now all the little things a mother does every day for her children. Not just the obvious things but other more subtle things that you don’t notice as a child. My grandmother and great-grandmother also had seven children each. I feel proud to have come from such a long line of strong, independent, loving women who have dedicated their lives to nurturing the next generation.

– Valerie, Research & Policy Analyst

I am the daughter of the original Yummy Mummy. Even after having her six children that she was so proud of, my mum – with her tousled curls, mini skirts, tan tights and high-heeled sandals – ran the house with huge energy and music and dancing. She had a kind of distracted, whimsical approach to housework while, encouraged by her own mother, making us all laugh came naturally and ‘got done’ much more often. My father remained madly in love with her until death did them part. She misses her gorgeous husband so much!

– Paula, Director of Professional Development

Before becoming a Mum, it was a day to tell my Mother how much she meant to me. Even though that remains important, being a Mum myself for the past 21 years makes Mother’s Day very special for me. I plan well in advance how to spend the day in the best way possible with my three children. My oldest daughter will be working but she will have a small gift for me, rarely a card, but I know she cares and acknowledges that I do my best for her and have done since she was born – all 8Ib 12ozs. The smallies are where my energies really go and this will be my first Mother’s Day with my son, so it is very special, and I will talk with my little daughter a week or so in advance. I’ll let her be part of the planning so she can feel she is special to me every day. We hope to have a family fun day out in the zoo.

I will go to bed exhausted after our big day out, I know, but delighted to have had a quality day with my children. Even though I try to have lots of quality time with them, it can be hard when you’re a working Mum. I feel we really add to our relationship and bond on this special day. Not everyone gets to feel this very special pride. I feel Mother’s Day is about celebrating what an honour it is to be a Mum.

– Geraldine, Director of Children and Parenting Services

Every year, I love my mother more. And I see more clearly how alike we are, and my daughter too. We are all carers, we love to give to others and make them happy. I wasn’t always comfortable with this trait but I see now that it is a wonderful way to be. Thanks Mum, for passing this on.

– Sinéad, Board Member

My thoughts as I reflected on this question have been with the mothers I have worked with during my time as a counsellor in One Family.  I have met many brave, courageous and wonderful women mothering in that time.

Mothering Sunday can be a very emotive day for our clients.  There are high expectations that go with that day for both mother and child. This day celebrates the unconditional love between mothers and their children.  A day of surprises and treats, gifts, and maybe breakfast in bed.   I am thinking of many mothers of young children and babies who do not have a family member or partner to make sure there is a card or present for that mother on mother’s day.  That mother lives in isolation, perhaps in a hostel or housing estate, with few friends or family for support.

I have also thought in the last weeks of the mothers I have worked with in One Family who have found mothering difficult.  Who either did not bond or found it very difficult to love their babies.  These women find it very difficult to find a safe place to voice this experience.  This is to speak the unspeakable – that a mother might find it difficult or may indeed not love her baby. If they tell their GP or any professional service, they will most lightly be offered anti-depressants or told they have post natal depression.   A number of women have told me that during pregnancy when they expressed fears about motherhood, they were told ‘when the baby’s born, it will be different’ or ‘you will fall in love when you see the baby’.  This is not always the case.

In the recent debates on abortion I am always struck by how the consequences of a woman going ahead with a pregnancy she does not want is never discussed or mentioned.  The long-term emotional distress, both for her and the child …  This often manifests itself in lack of confidence, low self-esteem, depression and anxiety, for both mother and child.

I will think of those brave women on Mother’s Day.

– Marguerite, Counsellor

Mother, the noun: a woman in relation to a child or children to whom she has given birth. Mother, the verb: bring up (a child) with care and affection. I experienced both the noun and the verb in a variety of guises throughout my childhood. I learned that ‘mother’, in its essence, is fluid – a term of great complexity, confusion and change. It can represent the cruelest heartbreak and the purest kindness.

Two of my mothers are gone now. Both are in my thoughts every day and will be on Mother’s Day. For the one who is still here, I’ll ensure she knows that she is a much loved ‘verb’.

– Shirley , Director of Communications

This Mother’s Day let’s think of the children who don’t have a Mum in their lives and make sure they feel included and cherished. Let’s be aware of the Dads who are raising children on their own and let’s make sure they feel appreciated for being a special type of Mum. Let’s remember the women who are Mums in their hearts but not in reality because their dream to be a parent has not yet come true or may never come true.

Let’s remember the women who relinquished children to be adopted for whatever reason and who may have that shadowy experience of having been a Mother but not a parent. Let’s remember the Mothers who dream of, raise, support and love children day in and day out but who are not able to be legal parents. Let’s remember the foster-Mums who are caring for, loving and raising our vulnerable children year in and year out but who are not able to adopt them. Let’s remember the Mums who feel like failures, who have let down their children and who are mercilessly judged for not being ‘Irish Mammies’ – we can all only do our best even though sometimes our best is not good enough for others.

Let’s remember the Mums who are living in Ireland working in our hospitals, cleaning our houses and caring for our children and whose own children may be far away in another country, Mums who are not able to afford to have their children with them. Let’s remember the Mums who go without food, who make heroic sacrifices to give their children enough even though they have barely enough to live on.

On behalf of One Family, on this special day, let’s remember all the Mums who are doing it on their own. Let’s remember the brave founders of Cherish who back in the early 1970s said they were not giving up their children; let’s be aware of the fact that 65% of the poorest children in Ireland live in one-parent families; let’s know that for most Mums parenting alone is probably not the way they wanted it to turn out. Let’s say well done to all those Mums as they battle negative attitudes, juggle parenting with work and education, pay for everything from one salary, are good cop and bad cop, and put their children first and last, always.

Well done, keep up the good work raising the next generation – you are appreciated.

– Karen, CEO

 

* A version of this article has appeared in thejournal.ie today.