Parenting | How to introduce quiet time in your home

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girl-1561943_1920As parents we can often feel the pressure of keeping our children engaged in activities with friends and play dates. We ourselves feel we must connect with other parents along with tending to seemingly endless daily tasks. It can seem manic at times and constantly busy. We find we don’t have much time to just sit with our children. There is value is just sitting with each other, doing nothing, thinking about nothing in particular, just simply being in each other’s company, relaxing and unwinding. We can forget how comforting it is to just sit still. It is important, especially in today’s hectic world full of distractions, to teach children the importance of just being.

Try to incorporate family time where you are present in each other’s company. Dark evenings by the fire are ideal for this. Simply stay inside with your children, staying cosy and warm and just chill out in their company. Calm time, quiet time, nothing special time! (The Danish have a special word called hygge that describes time spent at home with others in a cosy atmosphere.)

What are the ground rules?

Mobile phones and TV may need to be off limits in this quiet space. The time and day would need to be prioritised just like all other activities. Think of it as an activity you have paid for up-front. You usually never miss these activities. Don’t allow it to be optional. It is quiet time but it is not silence time, you can talk if you choose to or sit in quietness. Whatever activity you choose, make it your space and your time. Let everyone have their say; dream it up and then plan what is realistic.

What quiet activities could you try?

  • Mindfulness involves focusing calmly on the present while acknowledging feelings, thoughts and bodily sensations. If you talk with your children about the business of life and introduce the concept of mindfulness to them I am sure they will want to try it. It may be difficult at the start if you are all used to be being busy.
  • You could introduce some nice colouring books from the mindfulness series, there are so many to choose from for adults and children.
  • Massage is another option for quiet relaxation. You can learn some simple massage techniques from YouTube.
  • Listen to quiet, relaxing music. There are hours of relaxing music compilations also on YouTube.

How long should quiet-time last?

This only need to be half an hour of your week, longer is great but it doesn’t have to be an entire evening. It shouldn’t be something you dread. A the parent, you need to take the lead and support your children to feel happy and safe in their own company, not doing anything specific, only relaxing. Each week you can try new things and bin them if you don’t like them.

Create the space in your home and see if you can feel the positive energy it can create for you and your children this autumn and winter.

This article is by One Family’s Director of Children & Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly, as part of our weekly parenting tips.

 

Parenting | How to support your child when they struggle to fit in

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left-out-624736_1280I often meet parents who tell me “My child really dislikes school because they feel that they don’t fit in”, or “My child wants to be part of this group of children in school but they have been left out.”

When children move into primary school the main aim they have is to make friends. We may think school is about education, and of course it is, but children also learn about relationships. Children who enjoy school usually name seeing their friends as their number one reason for liking school.

As adults we know we don’t have to follow the crowd, we can be our own person. But we also know “no man is an island” − we cannot live in isolation. We need to be part of relationships and part of groups. Here, we offer ’10 ways’ to support your child if they are finding it difficult to fit in:

  1. Unfortunately, the choices we make as parents can affect how well our children fit in. For example, when my daughter was about nine years old she asked me for a mobile phone. Initially I refused until she said to me “Mum, do you want me to be a geek or do you want me to have friends?” After that I did explore all the options around how I could facilitate her to have a phone rather than impose a blanket ban on phones. I realised it would be possible to manage as her main aim was to stay part of the group − she didn’t particularly care about the phone.
  2. Support your child to form friendships by connecting with other parents. For children, parents are very much responsible for choosing what groups they will be part of. Encourage your child to join an activity that children from school attend. This will give you an opportunity to meet parents and children. Once you start to meet the other parents you can form relationships and make play dates.
  3. Invite different children over for play dates. Do not get into a pattern of choosing the same child each time. (Read our top tips on play dates here.)
  4. Watch your child with other children and try to identify what they struggle with. For example, if you notice your child watches other children play but doesn’t join in, ask them what stopped them from joining in. Encourage them to participate by telling them how clever they are, how funny they are, and how much you enjoyed playing with them.
  5. Try to be honest in watching your child’s encounters with others. They are learning to socialise and they may have developed some behaviours that other children don’t like. It is better to recognise and name these behaviours and support your child with them as it will allow them to move on and form friendships in the future. You can still think your child is the most wonderful in the world but that doesn’t mean they have it all figured out.
  6. Help your child find their voice. If you think your child is shy, help them to find a way to interact with other children. They need to be able to approach other children and become involved in the game. Children can be very bossy and if your child is not familiar with someone telling them what to do they may shy away from this. Role play different scenarios and help them to find the words to engage with children in different situations.
  7. Your child doesn’t have to be friends with everyone but they should feel comfortable to engage with everyone in the class. Young children move around friends so don’t expect them to remain friends with one particular child. It is not that they are not loyal, it is because they are exploring and learning. They will have a range of needs that are met by different children and they will move in and out of these needs.
  8. All children are coming from different homes with siblings, younger and older or none. They all have different skill sets to bring with them to school so don’t let your child feel they have nothing to offer or that other children are better than them. Help them to see their talents and skills. Every child has an abundance of them. Be creative with your child in pointing them out and help them to name their own talents.
  9. Confidence can prevent children from joining in so support your child in this area. A few knock backs can greatly reduce confidence so don’t ignore it. Name what you see in your child and make time to talk with them about it. Work on it at home and talk with the school if you ever suspect bullying.
  10. Monitor your behaviour too. You can only bring your child’s confidence to the same level as your own. Exploring your own needs will also support your child on their journey.

This ’10 Ways to’ article is by One Family’s Director of Children & Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly, as part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips. You can read the full series here.

Find out more about our parenting skills programmes and parent supports. For support and information on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or on 01 662 9212.