Parenting | How to talk to teenagers about sex

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teenagerAs parents it can be awkward and difficult to talk to our children about our sexual expression. If we could broaden our own outlook on how we view our own sexuality it will help us to talk to our children/teenagers about what it means to be a sexual human being.  Our sexuality is an essential/natural part of who we are – it is our zest for life, it is how we can show love to ourselves and how we can share that love with another in a loving relationship. As with all parenting keeping the lines of communication open is vital for us to help our children to make good choices for themselves and to take responsibility .

  1. Be under no illusion if there is no discussion about sex it does not mean it is not happening. Knowledge and understanding gives us the ability to make more informed choices. To know how to physically stay safe is vital e.g. safe sex, contraception etc. but to be able to do this in a real way it is also vital to be able to emotionally mind ourselves. To learn this through fear will not help our teenagers’ self-esteem.
  2. As our children grow up they will ask questions it is important to answer those questions in an age appropriate way. Be honest and only answer the question asked. Let your child take the lead so that as they get older the questions keep coming!
  3. Create the safety for your child/teenager to ask the questions. Safety is created by listening unconditionally. Teenagers will pick up cues on we how react or response to TV programmes, newspapers, books etc.
  4. There are enormous hormonal changes and we see this in how much their bodies change throughout the teenage years. We need to understand as parents that part of a teenagers’ life is to push boundaries and it is our job as parents to help then to do this in a way that is respectful for themselves and others.
  5. We need to keep the lines of communication open in all aspects of our lives. If we don’t talk about the everyday stuff how will they be able to come to us with a question about sex.
  6. Be available to talk about sex. We are enabling our teenagers to view their sexuality as to how they feel and view themselves. They then can make choices around how they can mind and respect themselves when they begin to explore their own sexuality.
  7. Discuss alcohol misuse and that when we drink we say and do things we would not do when we are sober. Responsibility around alcohol use is also very much tied up on how we feel and see ourselves.
  8. Don’t invade their privacy. We all need our privacy and our own space and we need to give our teenagers the space to separate out from us to become independent young adults.
  9. Listening to our teenagers enables them to make good choices and we are also showing them that we trust that they can make those good choices for themselves. They are also more likely to come to us for support if they have a problem or dilemma they need to sort out.
  10. Peers are very important for teenagers and we need enable our teenagers to know their own minds particularly within the peer group so that they will not do something because of peer pressure.

This ’10 ways’ tips for parenting was written by Carol Byrne, Relationship Mentor and Tutor with One Family.

You can find out about parenting programmes we run here. For support and advice on any of these topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email support@onefamily.ie.

 

Parenting | Reading with your child

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readingWith the chilly weather we find ourselves indoors more often and may have more time to spend reading with our children. Reading together is a great bonding exercise and important to make part of your daily life if possible.

As part of our ’10 Ways to …’ series which offers tips for parents on a variety of topics, here are our ‘10 Ways to Make Reading a Part of Family Life‘.

 

  1. Join the library. The whole family could take a trip to the local library and sign up. It’s free! Find out what’s happening in your local library as they run great events too and you can then plan your family trips to correspond with events.
  2. Read together. Plan a time each day, or at least three times a week, to read together. Let the children read to their parent or parents to child. When a child becomes familiar with a story they can tell it from the pictures or from their memory – encourage this!
  3. Start a library in your home. Go the second hand shops and get great books for very little cost.
  4. Switch off the TV. For one evening every week, switch on the story telling in the family instead of the telly.
  5. Start early. Introduce children to books from six months onwards; bath books, music books and picture books.
  6. Role model. Let children see you read books and use books to find out about things. Yes, there’s Google but let children know there are other ways too.
  7. Bring books. Wherever you go – when in the car, in a queue, on a bus trip going to Granny’s – bring a book with you. You can pass the time reading to your child or encourage them to read themselves if you are driving or talking with someone.
  8. Visit book shops. They can be great fun. Let children see all the books they can choose from. Talk to them about authors and check out when writers are signing in shops.
  9. Create your own book. Encourage older children (6+) to write their own stories and to create pictures about simple things they like in life. You could get them bound and keep them forever.
  10. The Benefits. Reading together creates quality time which results in improved relationships. It teaches children about the world and the people in it. It helps develop imagination, increases your child’s language and vocabulary which improves chances at school, and concentration levels grow as stories gets longer with age. At bed time, reading helps us relax and can enable children to fall asleep more quickly.

 

The ’10 Ways to …’ series is compiled by One Family’s Director of Children and Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly.

You can find out about parenting programmes we run here.

For support and advice on any of these topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email support@onefamily.ie.

askonefamily | Child and Family Relationships Act 2015

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On Monday the 18th January 2016, some parts of the Child and Family Relationships Act 2015 were commenced. These changes in legislation may have a direct impact on those parenting alone, sharing parenting and parenting after separation so the following information on Guardianship, Custody, Access and Maintenance may be relevant to you:

Guardianship

  • For an unmarried father this means that he may automatically become a guardian of his child if he has lived with the mother on a continuous basis for 12 months and at least 3 of these months must be after the birth of the child.

This 12 month period only takes effect from the date this was enacted, so from the 18th January 2016 and is not retrospective.

  • For other family members, such as grandparents, civil partners, step-parents and others who have acted in “loco parentis” (in the place of the parent) of a child they may apply to court for guardianship. The requirements for this is that a person is in a relationship, either in marriage or civil partnership, or has lived with the parent of a child for over 3 years and has shared the day to day care of the child for at least 2 years.
  • If a person has cared for a child on a day to day to basis, continuously for 12 months and there is no parent or guardian able or willing to exercise the rights and responsibilities for the child then they may apply for guardianship, so for example this may be a grandparent caring for their grandchild or a foster parent caring for a child.

Access

  • For grandparents the Act means that they can now apply directly to the District court for access with their grandchildren, if they do not already have access.

Custody

  • A court may make an order for custody following an application by a person other than the mother or father. This may be a person who is a relative of the child; it may be a person with who the child has resided with, or if the person is married to, in a civil partnership with or who has cohabited with the parent of the child for at least 3 years and has been involved in the day to day care of the child for at least 2 years. A person may also seek custody where the child has resided with this person who has had day to day care of the child and who does not have a parent or guardian who is able or willing to take on the responsibilities of being the guardian.

Maintenance

  • A maintenance order may be sought, requiring the cohabiting partner of a child’s parent to pay maintenance for the child, provided they are a guardian of the child.

Enforcement Orders

  • These relate to access and custody whereby if a court order is made in respect of custody or access and this is unreasonably denied or not taken up then a parent or guardian may apply for an enforcement order. Such an order may require that:

A parent or guardian, or both attend counselling, mediation or a parenting programme

That additional access may be granted

That a parent or guardian be reimbursed for expenses as a result of the denial of access or the refusal to take up access.

Any decision made by the court will be made in the best interests of the child and the court will consider the views of the child where possible given his/her age and understanding.

 

 

Parenting | How to help a child who is being bullied

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bulliedAs children settle back into school after the Christmas break we must think about the children who are suffering from bullying at school. It is agonising for a parent or guardian to suspect or learn that their child is being bullied.

The priority if this happens is to understand and support your child, while taking action to stop the bullying and doing everything possible to prevent it happening again in the future. As part of our weekly series of parenting tips, here are 10 ways to support a child who is being bullied.

  1. As a parent, you need to recognise that your child is being bullied. Pay attention to changes in your child’s behaviour, personality and routine.
  2. If you are concerned that your child is being bullied, and they are old enough to understand the language, ask them straight out. Otherwise ask them in an age appropriate way.
  3. Fostering really good clear ongoing communication between parents and children is the key to knowing your child and supporting them with difficulties. If as a parent you cannot do this, try to ensure that there are other adults in your child’s life that they will talk with.
  4. Encourage children to talk about their feelings, around the bullying and the bully.
  5. It may be difficult, but ask yourself if there is any possible reason that your child may have been vulnerable to being bullied. Explore what you can do to support your child in these areas – children want to fit in and be part of the group. How can you help them with this?
  6. Children with low self esteem and a poor sense of self worth may be more vulnerable to being bullied. Parents need to support children to increase their self esteem. It is important for parents themselves to consider their own level of self esteem as this impacts on children.
  7. Reporting the issue to the school and having regular communication to monitor the situation with the school principal is crucial.
  8. Children need to find their voice in the home and to practice being assertive in order to have the confidence to do this in school and in the play ground. Role play with your child, expect and encourage them to have a voice in the home.
  9. Do not blame, judge or criticise a child for being bullied. Offer reassurance and support. Empower your child to come up with ways to deal with the bullying. Try not to take over. Empowerment will increase self esteem and help your child see that they have the power to make change happen.
  10. Help your child to have positive friendships in school; many children need their parents to help them to make their friendships blossom. Practical ways to help are to organise play dates and be friendly with other parents to help your child find where they fit.

This week’s ’10 Ways to’ is adapted by One Family’s Director of Children and Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly, from our Family Communications training programme.

You can find out about this programme and the other parenting programmes we run here.

For support and advice on any of these topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email support@onefamily.ie.

 

Parenting | Explore Family Routines

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plannerA new year has arrived and with it, an ideal opportunity to explore family routines. Following consistency in routines supports parenting and increases your child’s sense of well-being and security. It is as a good time as ever to continue to consider your family’s routines and any changes you would like to make.

The following are our ’10 way’ parenting tips on how to approach reviewing the routines you have in place and looking at new ways to incorporate routines as your child grows:

  1. Think about how and why routines are useful.  Maintaining clear routines in the home supports children’s well being in many ways. Children like to know what to expect in the form of activities and behaviours. Routine helps us as parents too, and can increase harmony in the home, reduce stress and increase productivity and a sense of achievement and connection.
  2. Children usually have a very clear routine from birth around feeding, sleeping and nappy time. Sometimes as our children grow we rigidly continue with routines in these areas but often times we don’t. Think about what routines you currently follow.
  3. Explore any parts of the day when you have a good routine in place that works for all, for example, perhaps the getting to school schedule flows perfectly every morning. What does this do for you and your children? Do you find that things run smoother at these times and everyone gets on well?
  4. What happens at the times you don’t have a clear routine in place, for example, perhaps the homework routine? What impact does this have? Children and parents can get confused, frustrated or anxious when we don’t know what to expect which can lead to challenging behaviours.
  5. It is important to have consistent routines around not only eating and sleeping and practical schedules, but around behaviours also.
  6. It is your job to implement the routine, but your children need to know and understand it. Talk with children about routines and how they help. Allow them have a voice in what works and doesn’t work for them.
  7. As seasons change and children grow, routines will change too. Be open to this change. If a plan is not working, even if it used to, then stop doing it. Review it with your children, build on it and make a new plan. As the parent, ensure you follow through.
  8. Some people very much resist routine. Explore why this is the case. Think about what your child needs. Most children need security and this can often be achieved through clear routines. Following routines does not mean you have to be rigid; you can be flexible, but ensure your child knows why a change in the routine is occurring. Some children do well with change and others do not.
  9. Think about your own life, separate to being a parent. What routines are in place for you? What happens when you can’t follow the routine? Sometimes it means your needs are not met, which in turns affects how you are, how you can cope, and how you parent.
  10. Talk with your children about routines this week. What is working now and what doesn’t work so well? Agree some new routines for 2016 and then look back later in the year to see how they have hopefully helped to improve happiness and harmony in your home.

This article is part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips, and is by One Family’s Director of Children and Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly.

Our LIVE Facebook Q&A with Geraldine will be back shortly. Join our One Family Parenting group to keep up to date.

Find out more about our parenting skills programmes and parent supports. For support and advice on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email us.