In His Own Words | Dean’s Story – When My Parents Separated, Part 2

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Boy on mountainDean contacted One Family because he wished to share his personal experience of when his parents separated. In the second of a series, this is Dean’s story in his own words. He is now 16 years old.

“But why? But what about? But how?” These questions are always synonymous with any major change in life. The thing is, your parents often don’t know the answers to the questions you’re asking. This is why they might appear dismissive and reluctant to answer you. By no means let this stop you from asking questions: you should ask, it affects your life as well. For many kids that go through this, it is often when they realise their parents are just people that they begin to understand. Your parents make mistakes, have disagreements, arguments, shout, yell and have emotions. Just like anybody else, just like you.

For a long time these questions haunted me, I just wanted clarity. As time went on, as things further developed, this need to know everything drifted away. You see, for me there was really only thing I wanted to know more than anything. “Were things okay?” That was all I wanted. I just wanted to know that no matter what the situation was, that things were okay, that people were happy.

One thing that I don’t share with many other people that have gone through this, is the feeling of guilt. I never felt as if the separation was a product of what I did, or didn’t do. I always on some level knew that it was to do with my parents’ own quarrels.

I did, however, feel the need to fix things. I think this is one of the most debilitating parts of the separation of two people you’re so close to. You just want to help, to return things back to “normal”.

The issue lies with that word, ‘normal’ … what is normal? It’s such a subjective word that it causes more harm than good.

Through all the difficulties, be it small or large, when I came to realise that ‘normal’ wasn’t exactly what’s best for me, my parents or my siblings, things got so much better. When we let go of that burden to fix things, and just concentrate on living the life we have now, things become brighter, better.

If I had to go through everything again to get to the point where I am now, where my family is now, I would do it in a heartbeat. And I think that’s what shows that a separation doesn’t always mean a destruction.

Life works out, always.

Part 1 of Dean’s story can be read here. Read Part 3 here.

Note: Stock image used.

In His Own Words | Dean’s Story – When My Parents Separated

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SeparationDean contacted One Family because he wished to share his personal experience of when his parents separated. In the first of a series, this is Dean’s story in his own words. He is now 16 years old.

When people tend to bring up living in a house with separating parents, it always seems to be a rather saddening story; a tale of sorrow and anguish. Sometimes this can be true but for the majority of cases, mine included, it doesn’t live up to the tumultuous stories of the past.

Perhaps it was because the whole situation began when I was aged 12, but I don’t feel that the separation was detrimental. Of course there were times where it was difficult; where I didn’t understand what, when or why, but this just wasn’t common. I don’t really remember any specific events, no categorically haunting memories.

One of the main things I see children struggle with when they’re in this situation is picking a side. What we don’t realise is we shouldn’t have to pick a side, and we shouldn’t pick a side.

A lot of the time there are many things omitted when we receive the news of the separation from our parents. Whether this is done in an attempt to protect us, or it is a flawed system to save the opinions of both parents I don’t know, but it seems to be a common practice. One of the most difficult things for a parent to do is to admit to their children that they weren’t right, or things didn’t work out the way they’d hoped.

As people, we have a tendency to demonise and hate change, subsequently hating the thing or person who has brought it. Throughout my experience I found I likened the separation to things on a smaller scale, such as equating it to a fight between friends where a lot of the time you only hear one side of the story leaving more questions than answers, but in the end, it always is resolved. Call it a coping mechanism, a means to understand – whatever you wish – but it made things simpler for me, and that’s what I wanted. It truly is the complexity of things that leaves us bewildered, that leaves that feeling of betrayal of trust or loyalty in our stomach.

Read Part 2 of Dean’s story here.

Note: Stock image used.

10 Ways to Travel On Public Transport With Young Children

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Boy on trainTravelling anywhere by any means with young children can be a challenge. These tips are intended to support you when travelling mostly on a bus or by train with young children.

  1. Boredom. Try to understand how boring the trip may be for your child. How can you make it less boring? You may feel you are also bored and that is just the way it is, but try telling your young child that and see how far you get.
  2. Distraction. Try to have lots of things in your bag that you can use to distract your child. Maybe have something like a doodle board that they only get when on the bus. You will be surprised how many small toys and gadgets you can take in your bag.
  3. Feed them. Often children can be hungry and thirsty when travelling. Maybe you were rushing to leave the house and they didn’t get to eat. Have simple snacks with you or a little lunch box with some small bites in it. Try to steer clear of anything that will be messy or that spills easily. You may also not want your child soiled when you are getting off the bus so think clean food – raisins, apples, grapes, plain biscuit, water etc.
  4. Engage with your child. It can be easy to sit on the bus and try to think and plan what you need to do while out. It is very hard for young children to have a parent with them who is really not present to them. Try to play games and talk with your child. ‘I spy’ can be a lot of fun. Read short stories and talk with them about what they see around them. Children generally enjoy adults engaging with them. If you are keeping them in the buggie try to position it in such a way that they can see other people. They may be amused watching others also.
  5. Plan ahead. Before going on the trip make sure you have a solid plan of action. Talk with your child about where you are going, acknowledge it is not ideal but that you need them to cooperate with you. Build something into the trip which they will enjoy E.g. Stopping at the park to feed the ducks, playing on the swings, or some other  special reward for cooperating.   Let them know that you understand it is hard for them and ask them to bring something with them for amusement. If possible, try to plan a trip when your child is due to nap.
  6. Involvement. Find ways to involve your child in the trip. Maybe they need some new paints or nappies. Talk with them about that being why they are coming. Give them a little responsibility around this task. Make a big deal of getting whatever it is. Children love things to be playful. Make it fun as much as you can. It can be fun if you just talk with them and get excited about the outing.
  7. Your mood. If you are tired or hungry when the trip is due to happen you can be sure it will not go well. IT is important that you plan for yourself too. Take a snack with you if you can’t eat before leaving.  Try not to plan trips when you are tired or children are sick.
  8. Keep trips as short as you can. Stopping endlessly to talk with people while keeping children confined to their buggie is usually not good. Be conscious of your child’s needs. Try every hour to let them out of the buggie for a run around.
  9. Praise. Tell your child during the trip how much you appreciate them coming with you and thank them for cooperating.  Acknowledge it is hard, but that they are doing well. Remind them of their reward. Sometimes we take children for granted. We expect that they should just cooperate; this should not be the case.
  10. When you’re done, thank your child again. Even if parts of the trip were hard, tell them about the parts they did well on. Focusing on what went wrong will not achieve anything. This is for you to think about later and to plan again for the next trip. Is there anything you can do differently? Before the next trip talk with your child again. Trust that they want to do well. Give them the reward and encourage them to work hard the next time, but support them in this.

This article is part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips, and is by One Family’s Director of Children and Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly.

LIVE Facebook Q&A on this topic with Geraldine, 23 March from 11am-12pm on One Family’s Facebook page. Join in and post your questions.

Next you might like to read: 10 Ways to Keep Your Child Safe When Out And About. 

Coming up next week: 10 Ways to Support Your Children Through Times Of Change.

Find out more about our parenting skills programmes and parent supports. For support and information on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email support@onefamily.ie.

International Women’s Day, Make It Happen

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On 8 March every year International Women’s Day celebrates the achievements of women while calling for greater equality. This year’s theme is “Make It Happen”.

In 1972, led by Maura O’Dea Richards, a small group of mothers who were unmarried set about reaching others in the same situation and founded Cherish, later renamed One Family.

Mary Robinson & Cherish 1970s

Founder member Colette O’Neill suggested Cherish as a name for the group, taken from the 1916 Proclamation which declared that Ireland would ‘cherish all of the children of the nation equally’. Mary Robinson, then a Senator, became our first President.

At that time in Ireland, single pregnant women were often thrown out of their homes, lost their jobs and were rejected by their families and communities. It was extremely difficult for them to keep and raise their children themselves. Cherish gave these women and their children a voice for the first time, empowering women to help themselves and their families.

One of the significant changes achieved by our founders as a result of many years of lobbying was the abolition of the status of illegitimacy in 1987. The organisation was, and remains, a powerful driver for positive change.

On International Women’s Day, we are proud to celebrate our brave founders. They were women who, as individuals and collectively, ‘made it happen’. We also celebrate all women who are parenting in diverse family situations in Ireland now and who ‘make it happen’ every day.

OneFamily40thCakeIf you would like to find out more about our founders and our history, you can listen to the Today FM documentary Cherish All The Children featuring interviews with Mary Robinson, our founders, and people who availed of our services over the years. Maura O’Dea Richards’s insightful and witty memoir Single Issue can be downloaded here.

One Family has a big vision: an Ireland where every family is cherished equally and enjoys the social, financial and legal equality to create their own positive futures. We continue to work hard to achieve these aims. Our current Strategy can be read here.

 

Maintenance Downtime Announcement

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DowntimeOwing to essential technical maintenance, One Family will not have telephone, email or internet services this afternoon, Friday 6 March. This scheduled maintenance downtime will continue through Saturday 7 March. All systems are expected to be fully operational by 9am on Monday 9 March.

We will respond to voicemails and emails as soon as possible after service is fully restored; but please anticipate that it may not be possible to leave voicemails or send emails to @onefamily.ie email addresses during the maintenance downtime. We regret any inconvenience that may be caused. Useful information, resources and links are available here on our website.

Family Situation

Talking to Your Child About Your Family Situation

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Family Situation2015 is shaping up to be a big year for children’s rights, especially with regard to Family Law. Children are now being placed at the centre of legislation that directly affects them and their parents. Talking about your family situation can be difficult especially if you, as a parent, are struggling to cope yourself. Here are a few tips to help you to open a dialogue with your children and ease them  into a secure understanding  of their family.

  1. The UN Convention on the Rights of the Child states that every child has the right to know about both biological parents.
  2. Parents need to explain their family situation to their children in a way that fosters respect for the other parent and allows children to feel positively about their family.
  3. Being able to talk to a child positively about their family situation allows trust to develop between a parent and a child.
  4. Both parents have rights and with those rights come responsibilities to ensure that parents meet the child’s best interests.
  5. According to Irish law, access (to parents) is the right of the child.
  6. Be truthful with children and answer questions in a way that is respectful to the other parent and age appropriate to the child.
  7. If you live with your parents and they behave like parents to your child then be honest about the real nature of the relationship.
  8. If a new partner is like a parent to your child be truthful about the real nature of the relationship.
  9. Use and create opportunities for talking about your family situation.
  10. Start early and be prepared to add information as your children get older. Children are well able for the truth, they often want the facts to help them understand and feel less vulnerable.

This article is part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips, and is by One Family’s Director of Children and Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly. Coming up Next Week: 10 ways to Parent Through Stressful Times.

LIVE Facebook Q&A on this topic with Geraldine, 9 March from 11am-12pm on One Family’s Facebook page. Join in and post your questions.

Next you might like to read: 10 ways to Support Grandparents Relationships With Your Child, 10 ways to Nurture Your Role As A Step Parent or 10 ways to Explain An Absent Parent.

Find out more about our parenting skills programmes and parent supports. For support and information on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email support@onefamily.ie.

Minister Supports One Family on Need for Court Welfare System

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Min Frances FitzgeraldToday the Children and Family Relationships Bill moved to another stage in the Dáil as Minister Frances Fitzgerald brought it to the Select Oireachtas Committee on Justice, Defence and Equality for discussion and amendment.

Having put much time and effort into representing the needs of diverse families in this legislation, One Family attended the Committee today and was delighted to hear strong support for our ongoing call for a comprehensive court welfare system and Child Contact Centres. The Minister referenced the pilot Child Contact Centre services that One Family researched and then ran with Barnardos. She spoke about the extent of support work required with parents sometimes before contact with a child could begin.  She also discussed our policy submission on the Children and Family Relationships Bill and we look forward to engaging further to support the development of a world class court welfare system through the upcoming reform of the family law courts and the two year review of this Bill.

Read our Child Contact Centre Services Evaluation here.

Read our policy submission on the Children and Family Relationships Bill here.

Cuts to Carer’s Allowance for Lone Parents Reversed by Tánaiste – But what about working lone parents?

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Press Release 

Cuts to Carer’s Allowance for Lone Parents Reversed by Tánaiste –

But what about working lone parents?

(Dublin, Wednesday 4 March 2015) One Family – Ireland’s organisation for people parenting alone, sharing parenting and separating – welcomes Tánaiste Joan Burton’s announcement yesterday regarding people in receipt of the One-Parent Family Payment (OFP) who are also eligible for the half-rate Carer’s Allowance. That they will not now lose their half-rate Carer’s Allowance as had been previously stipulated is progress. However, we warn that Government also needs to urgently rethink how OFP activation measures are impacting on over 30,000 lone parents this year, particularly those working lone parents who will be hardest hit.

Karen Kiernan, One Family CEO, responds: “While this necessary turnaround is welcomed, the Tánaiste also referred in the Dáil debate on the Social Welfare Bill yesterday to 10,000 lone parents who are currently in employment, saying that ‘the majority will have an immediate incentive to increase the number of hours worked each week to 19’ and, being then eligible to apply for Family Income Supplement (FIS) and the Back to Work Family Dividend (BTWFD), would ‘be financially better off than their current position’.”

Karen further responds: “Sadly this statement again demonstrates the separation between Government’s perspective and the lived reality of one-parent families in Ireland today. The reality for most people is that they cannot simply demand that their employers increase their hours of employment because the Tánaiste thinks it’s good policy. This also ignores the reality that a lone parent with one child currently in employment and earning €200 per week while receiving FIS will be financially worse off by up to €38.32 per week after losing their entitlement to the OFP in July.”

Stuart Duffin, One Family Director of Policy & Programmes, comments: “This news will be welcomed by parents who provide caring supports for an adult; those who had lost their Carer’s Allowance entitlement of €86 per week last year and the 800 people who were scheduled to this year. It is a lifeline for the most vulnerable families with children who also care for family members who are ill, elderly or have special needs. It should have been just about the last thing Ministers should have considered cutting in the first place.”

Stuart continues:  “This announcement by the Tánaiste may help the rest of Government to rethink how we deliver welfare reform which is crucial for people in acute need. We know that lone parents want to work and 53% are already in the labour market.  What we keep calling for is provision of affordable, accessible, quality childcare which remains the greatest barrier to those parenting on their own in returning to the workplace or education. There needs to be a joined up plan of delivery across all Departments.”

The Survey on Income and Living Conditions (SILC) 2013 results published on 21 January this year showed that those living in households with one adult and one or more children had the highest deprivation rate in 2013 at 63.2% and the highest consistent poverty rate at 23%. Reforms and activation should not force any lone parents who are in work to have to give up their jobs.

While the Department of Social Protection has committed to clearly communicating with all lone parents affected by the changes, we are also hearing from parents about gaps in knowledge in many local social welfare local offices where staff are not familiar with the impacts of the changes to the One-Parent Family Payment. This can lead to provision of inadequate or incorrect information to lone parents and causes unnecessary worry and stress for one-parent families.

Lone parents want to create the best possible outcomes for their children. With the right policies, the right time-frame, and the right level of political will, choices can be made to enable those thousands of one-parent families suffering deprivation to grow out of poverty and achieve better futures.

One Family continues to call on the Department of Social Protection to Get It Right for One-Parent Families #GetItRightDSP.

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About One Family

One Family was founded in 1972 as Cherish and is Ireland’s leading organisation for one-parent families offering support, information and services to all members of all one-parent families, to those sharing parenting, to those experiencing an unplanned pregnancy and to professionals working with one-parent families. Children are at the centre of One Family’s work and the organisation helps all the adults in their lives, including mums, dads, grandparents, step-parents, new partners and other siblings, offering a holistic model of specialist family support services. These services include the lo-call askonefamily national helpline on 1890 66 22 12, counselling, and provision of training courses for parents and for professionals. One Family also promotes Family Day and presents the Family Day Festival every May, an annual celebration of the diversity of families in Ireland today (www.familyday.ie). For further information, visit www.onefamily.ie.

Available for Interview

Stuart Duffin, Director of Policy & Programmes | t: 01 662 9212 or 087 062 2023

Karen Kiernan, CEO | t: 01 662 9212 or 086 850 9191

 

 

We’ve only had Divorce for 18 years – is that why we don’t deal with it well?

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Press Release 

We’ve only had Divorce for 18 years –

is that why we don’t deal with it well?

(Dublin, Friday 27 February 2015) One Family – Ireland’s organisation for people parenting alone, sharing parenting and separating – reflects today on the 18 years since divorce legislation came into effect in Ireland on 27 February 1997. The passing of the Referendum on Divorce almost twenty years ago was a groundbreaking acknowledgment of the reality that families in Ireland exist in many forms and that marriage cannot always be forever despite best intentions.

Karen Kiernan, One Family CEO, comments: “In 2013, Ireland had the lowest divorce rate in the EU at 0.6 per 1,000 of the population. We have the third lowest rate of divorce in the world despite fears voiced 18 years ago that the legalisation heralded the end of the family, while the rate of marriage and civil partnership is on the rise. The fact is that relationships do end, couples do separate. Sometimes they are parents too. What is important is that they are supported to separate well. Research shows that it is not family form that impacts on a child’s outcomes, but the quality of their relationships at home. Parental conflict has more adverse effects on children than parental separation.”

Karen continues: “With the right supports, parents can separate well, resolve conflict, manage finances, and ensure their children remain at the centre of parenting. No-one sets out to separate or divorce, especially as a parent, and it is often a very difficult time for all members of the family, with feelings of fear, anger or blame as a backdrop.  Service providers, the family law courts, and Government policy should be focussed on the provision of vital and affordable, services to support people to separate well, like One Family’s counselling, parent mentoring, and mediation services, which are still lacking in many areas around the country due to a lack of funding.”

“We know from working with parents going through separation and divorce that the process of obtaining a divorce is extremely costly and due to the law, requires an incredibly long time which can be destructive to families. The newly introduced Children and Family Relationships Bill will go some way to reforming family law courts but a lot more is needed,” Karen concludes.

People experiencing separation or divorce can call the askonefamily helpline on lo-call 1890 662 212 for information and support, or to find out more about One Family’s services for parents who are separating.  These include parent mentoring, mediated parenting plans, and programmes and workshops such as Impact of Parental Separation and Making Shared Parenting Work, details of which can be found here.

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About One Family

One Family was founded in 1972 as Cherish and is Ireland’s leading organisation for one-parent families offering support, information and services to all members of all one-parent families, to those sharing parenting, to those separating, to those experiencing an unplanned pregnancy, and to professionals working with one-parent families. Children are at the centre of One Family’s work and the organisation helps all the adults in their lives, including mums, dads, grandparents, step-parents, new partners and other siblings, offering a holistic model of specialist family support services. These services include the lo-call askonefamily national helpline on 1890 66 2212, counselling, and provision of training courses for parents and for professionals. One Family also promotes Family Day and presents the Family Day Festival every May, an annual celebration of the diversity of families in Ireland today (www.familyday.ie). For further information, visit www.onefamily.ie.

Available for Interview

Karen Kiernan, CEO | t: 01 662 9212 or 086 850 9191

 

10 ways to understanding Children’s Emotions and The Learning Power of Play

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Play and EmotionsPlay is an outlet for children to make sense of what they see, think and feel. It allows them the opportunity to express themselves, which is a vital part of their physical, intellectual and emotional development. Children can often struggle with their feelings and this frustration can lead to difficult behaviour, such as tantrums. It is important that parents take an active role in their child’s emotional development and to lead by example when it comes to expressing anger, sadness and frustration in a healthy way.

  1. The importance of play in a child’s life cannot be underestimated. Play is a child’s work and is ‘serious stuff’.
  2. Play helps children develop self-esteem and good social skills. It is also an important element in improving your child’s motor skills, problem-solving abilities and aids physical and intellectual development.
  3. Can you, as a parent, spend 20 minutes a day playing, listening and talking to your child?
  4. Our ability to feel and express our emotions helps us to stay connected with the world around us and to work through our feelings in healthy way.
  5. Children will express their sadness and grief quite naturally given the right amount of support. Children and young people learn how to express and deal with emotion from their parents and family members.
  6. We need fear to keep us safe. However, if children are too full of fear they will not be able to stand up for themselves or to express themselves. It is important to show children that feeling fear is normal. Tell them some of your fears and how you cope, in doing this, you enable your child to develop these skills too.
  7. Children need boundaries around the good stuff just like they need boundaries around fear and anger.
  8. Children’s natural impulse is to hit out when they feel angry. Adults need to be able to help children to manage and  express their anger in a healthy way.
  9.  A child who displays too little anger may be open to bullying and may be seen as a bit of a ‘wimp’ and a pushover.
  10. A child who expresses too much anger may become a bully and have difficulty in managing emotions without becoming aggressive or even violent. This can make it difficult for the child to have healthy social relationships.

This article is part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips, and is by One Family’s Director of Children and Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly. Coming up next week; 10 Ways to Talk to Your Child about Your Family Situation. 

LIVE Facebook Q&A on this topic with Geraldine, 2 March from 11am-12pm on One Family’s Facebook page. Join in and post your questions.

Next you might like to read, 10 Ways to Support a Child Who is Being Bullied or 10 Ways to Support a Child Who is Bullying

Find out more about our parenting skills programmes and parent supports. For support and information on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email support@onefamily.ie.