July 2015 – One Family

It can be daunting when your baby is born and you start to think about how to tell them that their other parent does not want to be part of their life at that time, or maybe never. However, it is best to introduce this concept from day one. This way you do not allow any confusion to creep into your child’s life.

Here are some tips on how you can do this:

At the registration of your child’s birth, you can add the father’s name to the birth certificate. In time your child will see this and you can talk with them about their father. Children always want to identify with family, who they look like and where they came from.
Have a picture of your child’s other parent in their room or in their baby book, if possible. You may find this very hard to do, but at least if the image exists you can explain who that person is as the child grows up.
If possible, inform the father of the child’s birth and invite him to send something to the baby. Something you can keep to show the baby that they acknowledged the birth.
Try to inform or involve the absent parent’s extended family from the birth of your baby. This can be very hard to do when relationships have broken down, but along the road at least you can tell your child you made every effort to ensure they knew where they came from.
Have a short story in your baby book about how you met their father and how you felt when you found out you were pregnant. Talk a little in the story about how you understood the father felt too. Try to stay positive. Children never usually want to hear anything negative about a parent, even if they are completely absent from their life.
As well as a photo in the baby book of their other parent, you could write some things in about your baby’s absent parent such as their full name, birthday, what s/he liked to eat, their hobbies etc. Give an example of something you liked about them. Whatever you feel you would like to share do, without going too deep into what happened between you as a couple.
As your child grows in this age range, try to drop comments into conversation about how they may remind you of their other parent – positive things only. Try to open up conversation with them about their father. If things come up in a story book or in conversation with other parents about dads, use this as an opportunity to remind them that they also have a father (or mother, depending on your family’s situation).
If you enter a new relationship be very clear when meeting new people that your child is your son or daughter and this other person is your partner, e.g. saying ‘Kaela is my daughter and Simon is my partner’ instead of leading them to believe it is ‘our daughter’. So many people fall into this by error.
Remember, children don’t have to hear something to think it is real. Often by not hearing anything to contradict an idea they have formed can lead them to believe it to be true.
Do not at any stage support or encourage your child to call anyone who is not their biological father ‘daddy’. This can lead to great hurt and confusion as they get older. Children always discover the truth, one way or another.

This ’10 Ways to’ article is by One Family’s Director of Children & Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly, as part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips. You can read the full series here.

Next you might like to read: 10 Ways to Positively Maintain Contact

Find out more about our parenting skills programmes and parent supports. For support and information on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email support@onefamily.ie.

In recent months, much has been written and said about both the problems and benefits for one-parent families on social welfare that have been put through the One-Parent Family Payment (OFP) reform process. At the heart of this are the cuts in income faced by many parents who are working part-time and in receipt of social welfare.

We asked Theresa, Emer and Sharon, each of whom is parenting alone, working part-time and has been recently transitioned from the OFP, to share the reality of their experiences of this reform process. Despite the fact that Theresa, Emer and Sharon is each doing what Government said this reform is supposed to enable – activation – all of their families have suffered a substantial financial loss. You can read what they told us below.

One Family believes that it is counter-productive to Government policy to enforce income losses on poor families when the objective of the reforms is to support people off welfare and out of poverty into sustainable employment. It is also counter-productive to imply that people parenting alone and in receipt of the OFP do not want to work. They do, and many are also in education.

These debates have not been helped by misinformation about how comparatively ‘well-off’ some families are on social welfare, or how much better off they could be in different circumstances; for example, if they were to increase their hours of part-time employment to become eligible for Family Income Supplement (FIS). One Family is responding clearly with some facts and the real-life case-studies of Theresa, Emer and Sharon in order to demonstrate the reality for the families we work with and represent.

Some facts in response to Government briefings:

Atypical examples | It is unhelpful that atypical examples are being consistently put into the public domain, such as the example indicating that a lone parent with three children who works over 19 hours per week and qualifies for BTWFD will earn the same as a teacher. There are very few lone parents with three children (Census 2011 indicates 15.7% on all one-parent families, but this could be as low as 11% for those actually in receipt of a social welfare payment); the childcare costs associated with this atypical example are not factored in; and neither is the fact that BTWFD is only available at full rate for one year, is reduced completely after two, and is not available to those transitioned before 1 January this year. The ‘typical’ one-parent family includes one child (56.11%) or two children (28.17%).
Other countries | Comparisons to other countries that require lone parents to be available for work when their children are younger than 7 are unhelpful and unrealistic as the structures in place in countries referenced such as New Zealand, the UK and the Netherlands are not comparable to Ireland due to the lack of available childcare here and other structural barriers. Also, there are far higher rates of investment in social services in these countries that practically enable parents to return to the work force.
FIS | It is unhelpful to posit the gain that parents might get if they are able to increase their hours of work to over 19 whilst on the JSTA so that they become eligible for FIS, as this is extremely difficult for many to achieve. We are aware of many sectors, including government funded services, where people are unable to increase their hours. These commonly include childcare staff (particularly those providing ECCE hours); SNAs and other school staff who are frequently let go every summer; and retail staff who are subjected to zero hour contracts etc. It seems unrealistic that Government will be able to work with employers on this or that employers can be expected to always be in a position to create more hours, and it is unrealistic to expect employees to be able to demand more hours if those hours are not available.
BTWFD | Since the reform introduction, some 17,000 lone parents have already transitioned from the OFP scheme to other income support payments in 2013 and 2014. This means that none of these parents were entitled to the Back To Work Family Dividend (BTWFD) which is supposed to support families to move from social welfare into employment.
Childcare | The severe lack of affordable, accessible high quality childcare being uniformly available throughout Ireland remains a massive barrier. This problem for all families with children is far from being resolved; or any workable, time-lined potential solution been put forward by Government. Ireland’s childcare costs remain amongst the most expensive in the world, second only to the US. These reforms aimed to move more lone parents into the workplace are being implemented at a time when even many parents in working two-parent families feel they have no choice but for one partner to leave work owing to childcare costs being unaffordable. People parenting alone do not have a parenting partner to assist with childcare, school runs, school holidays etc. while at work and often do not have family support available.
Income loss totals | Approximately 11,000 parents and families have lost income as a result of being transitioned to Jobseeker’s Transitional Allowance (JSTA) or Jobseeker’s Allowance (JSA) from the OFP. We do not yet know how many have or will gain financially, but we hope that this figure is high.
Income loss amounts | The figures proposed by DSP of the losses that parents will face have been consistently under-estimated, based on testimony to One Family from many parents. We have heard of losses ranging from €30 to €140 per week. In the real-life case studies below, three parents clearly outline how they have lost from €45.20 to €115 per week.

Theresa, Emer and Sharon are all doing what Government says this reform process was implemented to support, and which should result in an increase in income: they are all working part-time over 19 hours per week and in receipt of FIS.

Becoming a big brother or sister can be very exciting for many children, and at the same time a little scary. They may be wondering how life will change for them in both positive and negative ways. Some children as they get older prefer being an only child, while others long for a sibling. In this article we will explore what it means for children when one parent has a new baby – meaning they are now the big brother or sister – and what issues this can raise for children from separated families.

Often very young children don’t understand what is happening until the baby arrives home and they see their parent holding it. At times they think the baby will be going back to where it came from, and it can be a shock when they realise the baby is staying and maybe even sleeping in their old cot.
If the baby will not be living with the child full-time, it can create a variety of responses from the child. The child may be very keen to stay with the new baby, to protect it. It can feel like it is their baby at times. So parting and returning to the other parent may be very difficult for them.
For other children, the new baby may pose a treat. Now they have to share the parent not only with a new step parent/partner but also with a new sibling. When will they get quality time? This can cause a feeling of unsettlement for children of all ages.
It is important for all the parents – both biological and step-parents – to try and build in quality time with the first child. It is crucial to help them see they have a very valued place in the family and that their needs are still very important.
Children can at times feel abandoned and neglected during separations, particularly at times when adult needs become more prominent and take over. Hopefully by the time a new baby is arriving, things will have settled down and children are feeling more secure in the new relationships that have formed. It is key when a new baby arrives to ensure that the child does not again experience these feelings, whereby their needs were not at the forefront of family life.
It is important also to give your child good, positive language to describe the changes in their family to friends and other family members. ‘Half brother’ or ‘Half sister’ are not the most preferred terms as a person they describe would not feel happy about being ‘half’ of something. It may be better to just support them to say they have a new sister/brother. Then they can go on explain that Daddy or Mammy have this baby. As parents, we can help our children to understand blended families as they get older. Once they have an understanding and a positive experience they will flourish.
Help the child to understand their unique bond with this child. I know it can be hard for parents to accept when the other parent moves on and has more children, but the baby exists and will always have a bond to your child. Try to be open and support the relationship. Try not to see this as a threat.
Often parents and older children ask why the other parent had more children. They may feel they already struggled to have time for the first born, but this is life and things are not always planned or thought out. There may be issues around maintenance as now money has to go further to support the new baby. Your child may be getting less. Again you may need to sit and talk with the other parent about the impact this will have and try to reach agreement, as the courts will usually allow a person provide the best they can for each child. The first born will not get preference.
The quality time a child shares with the other parent may be reduced when a baby is born. You would hope this to be very temporary, as otherwise the older child is being set up to resent the new baby. As parents, it is up to us to try not to give one child less attention when a new baby arrives. This can be difficult, maybe you can try and get others to help with the newborn. This will allow you time to support your older child to know they are very valued within your life and extending family.
When children are having time with the other parent, we can expect that it will be one to one time. Parents may request the new child not to be part of this time. While it is important for children to have one to one quality time with parents, we must remember that children also need to be immersed into their parent’s new family form. It will be hard for them to understand and adjust, no matter what the age, but if this is what the family is going to be, then why try and make it different? At times it may be for the parents’ benefit to exclude other new family but really children can often adapt positively and smoothly to new experiences. What matters most is how they are parented and supported with the changes. It is about keeping their needs central, and for both parents to have a focus on meeting the child’s needs first and foremost.

Next you might like to read: 10 Ways to Address Sibling Rivalry

LIVE Facebook Q&A with Geraldine on this topic Tuesday 21 July from 10am-11pm in our NEW One Family Parenting Group which is a closed Facebook group (meaning that only members can read posts) that anyone can join. Post your questions and share your experiences.

For many parents it can feel like you are on a treadmill that is never switched off. On Monday you might be asked, how was your weekend? You look in amazement at the person and try to think, the weekend, when was that? Whether sharing parenting, parenting alone, when your children are very young or teenagers, it never stops. Keeping on top of it all is very challenging and we often forget to be mindful of our own well being. We laugh at the though of it. Obviously the person who coined the term ‘self care’ has no children!

But here it is again – self care. If you can’t find the time to look after yourself and your needs, what type of parent will you be? You may be coping alright now, but how long until the batteries run dry? We all have areas in our lives that are not going too well, sometimes it is because we don’t have the energy or time to put into them.

This summer, could you take on the challenge of trying to do one thing for yourself each day? It is just for you now, but really it is an investment in your ability to parent and thus in your children. They need parents who can stay on the treadmill for a very long time.

Here are some ideas to help get you started:

Take a 30 minutes walk, once a week: on your own ideally or bring the buggie if you must. It helps clear the mind and keep you feeling energised. This will also give you time to see the world and possibly bump into the neighbours for a chat.
Read a book that is not about fairies and princesses and superheroes. Can you find an hour a week to read a chapter? Connect to the adult world around you. It is amazing how we forget it exists. This will also give you something to talk about. We often think if we did meet someone, what would we talk about? Our lives are so focused on our children, it’s easy to forget how to have adult conversations.
Join a parent and toddler group. Even though children are with you, it allows great opportunities to talk with other parents and possibly widen your social circle. Some groups are great at organising trips and events. Check in with your local community center, community bulletin/newsletter and even the local shop notice boards to find groups near you.
Use a drop in crèche for one hour a week. Can you budget to allow yourself one hour off a week? You can just sit and think, plan, read or drink coffee. Basically, this is one hour for you to stay still.
Can you arrange for a relative to take your children once a month? One day off or if you are really lucky one night off is a great opportunity to recharge the batteries. A night of undisturbed sleep does wonders for the body and mind. Then you will feel ready for the children again when they return.
If your children go to their other parent, can you do things in this time for yourself? Many parents use this time to cook, freeze dinners, clean and get ready for another week. Even though this will make the next week run smoother it does not really count as time spent for you. Think about what hobbies you had as a child, or something you wished you had done. Can you join a club – a walking club, book club, hobby or maybe even a study group? Have you had time to think about what you want for you?
We take a lot of time to plan what our children will eat. Have they eaten their 5 a day? We challenge the other parent to reduce the intake of junk food. But how often do you look at your diet. Can you take some time to plan your 5 a day? You are your child’s best role model after all.
Can you arrange a babysitter club? It does not have to be at night time as it depends on what you enjoy doing. Can your friend take your child for a few hours to allow you some time and then you do the same for them?
Many parents buy too many clothes for their children. Do they really need all these clothes? Do they notice what they wear? Why not put some time in to your own wardrobe? What could you do with getting? At times we avoid going out and about as we feel we have nothing to wear. It would be a great resource for your child to have a parent who is confident in how they look.
Ask for help. Parenting is very challenging no matter what form your family takes. Seek out supports. Access professional parenting supports like parenting courses or one to one mentoring – One Family have parenting supports available in many locations both in Dublin and in other. Don’t go it alone when others would love to be invited to join you. (See below for more information on One Family parenting supports.)

This summer take time for you. It may seem selfish at first, but your children will be the ultimate winners when you succeed.

Next you might like to read: 10 Ways to Parent Self Care

LIVE Facebook Q&A with Geraldine on this topic Tuesday 14 July from 10am-11pm in our NEW One Family Parenting Group which is a closed Facebook group (meaning that only members can read posts) that anyone can join. Post your questions and share your experiences.

Having a step parent is a very normal part of life for many children in Ireland today. Often children hear about step mothers in fairy tales and the picture painted is not one that would excite you. In order for children to have a good relationship with a step parent they need to be supported in the following ways:

While it may not be your ideal situation that your child has a step parent, in order for them to feel safe and secure in the relationship you must give them permission to have a relationship with this person.
Many parents can feel that a step parent may try to take over their role. This can lead to the parent fighting against the relationship and making life somewhat more difficult for their child. If you can be confident in your relationship with your child then there is no need to worry about anyone trying to take your place.
Remember that children need adults and good positive relationships in their lives. The step parent, if allowed, can be a very supportive person for your child. If they are spending periods of time with this person then they need to be able to talk with them, share worries and seek support. The biological parent most likely won’t always be there, so the more people around to support your children the better.
Try to form a relationship of respect with the step parent. It can be very hard for children to have a good relationship with someone they don’t see their parent engage positively with. Talk with your child’s other parent about how you can both take steps to ensure the relationship with the step parent is one based on respect. In the case of infidelity, this can be very difficult, but we must always try to think about the best interests of our children.
Allow your child to talk about their time with the other parent and the step parent. Acknowledge what they do with your child. Try to say positive things about the step parent. By not talking about them at all you are very clearly letting your child know you have no time for them. Ask yourself, is this fair on your child considering they have to live with the step parent part of the time?
It might be nice to arrange for all of the parents, step and biological to go out once or twice with the children. Blended families are a common feature in Irish society. Children can and do have wonderful experiences in blended families.
As family life moves on after separation and step parents become a more permanent part of your child’s life try to accept them fully and acknowledge with your child the part that the step parent plays in their life.
Remember the other parent may be the first one to introduce a step parent to your child, but in time you could also be with someone new. What type of relationship would you like your child to have with your new partner?
If the step parent also has children, then your child has more to deal with. When sharing time with the other parent your child will need your support to explore how they want to engage with the other children who live with them. Is it okay for them to be good friends? They will need to learn the rules of sibling rivalry if they have not any biological siblings. They may also need support around sharing their parent with other children. This may be hard for them if they already feel they don’t have enough time with that parent.
Good stable adult relationships are very valuable for your child to witness and be part of. It can offer your child great stability and help to build up their confidence. It is really good for children to see their parents in good positive relationships. Part of life is learning that not every relationship is good and not every relationship lasts forever but it should not stop you from engaging with people and giving new relationships a chance.

Next you might like to read: 10 Ways to Sensitive Integration of a Step Parent

LIVE Facebook Q&A with Geraldine on this topic Tuesday 7 July from 11am-12pm in our NEW One Family Parenting Group which is a closed Facebook group (meaning that only members can read posts) that anyone can join. Post your questions and share your experiences.

Find out more about our parenting skills programmes and parent supports. For support and information on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email support@onefamily.ie.

Press Release

End Child Poverty,

Get it Right for One-Parent Families

in Budget 2016

One Family will state at the Pre-Budget Forum tomorrow that Government has sacrificed lone parents and their children for long enough.

(Dublin, Thursday 2 July 2015) One Family, Ireland’s organisation for people parenting alone, sharing parenting and separating, will be participating in the Department of Social Protection’s Pre-Budget Forum tomorrow where CEO Karen Kiernan will call for an immediate review of Government’s current One Parent Family Payment (OFP) reform process. These reforms, on top of a sustained series of cuts targeting one-parent families – such as the reduction in Income Disregard and discontinuation of the One Parent Family Tax Credit – were implemented without supports including childcare in place, resulting in even greater poverty for thousands of Ireland’s most vulnerable families. Over 30,000 families have been moved off the OFP today.

Karen Kiernan, One Family CEO, states: “Government policy, despite the stated intent to support one-parent families out of poverty, is proving to be a monumental failure. Children in one-parent families are more than twice as likely to live in poverty. The number of children in Ireland living in consistent poverty – meaning they are living both at risk of poverty and experiencing deprivation – has risen to nearly 12%. When you analyse these figures, it reveals that 23% of children in a one-parent family experience deprivation. They have carried the burden of austerity on their shoulders as the poorest and most vulnerable in our society. What we are calling for in Budget 2016 is something that is long overdue. Put simply, it is time for a fair deal for one-parent families.”

Lone parents want to work and to access education so that they can create positive outcomes for their children, yet Government consistently implies that they need to be compelled to do so. This conveniently ignores the reality that barriers such as lack of accessible, affordable childcare/out of school care have yet to be removed. Lone parents already working part-time are those who are being most affected by the current process of reform as they are experiencing income decreases of up to €100 per week on already minutely managed budgets. Rather than giving away tax breaks or giving a miserly €5 per week in Child Benefit, Budget 2016 should be radical in its approach to investing in services for our poorest children and families.

Karen continues: “We are expressing loudly and clearly that Government must invest in Budget 2016 in a coherent package of supports and services for parents moved off the One-Parent Family Payment and to Job Seeker’s Allowances if it is serious about supporting lone parents into sustainable employment and out of social welfare. Quality, affordable childcare and out of school care; access to quality and assured housing; and family-friendly employment opportunities require significant government investment and cross-departmental collaborations. Without this, the Department of Social Protection’s reform process will continue to fail and families will continue to suffer.”

Budget 2016 must demonstrate a firm commitment from Government in working towards resourcing one-parent families rather than penalising them, and to work towards ending the shameful spectre of child poverty in Ireland.

One Family’s Pre-Budget Submission 2016 can be read/downloaded here. The Pre-Budget Forum takes place in the Printworks, Dublin Castle on Friday 3 July from 9am-2pm.

/Ends.

NOTES FOR EDITORS

Budget 2016 Submission

One Family’s recommendations for Budget 2016 are simple, low cost and cost effective; and provide a social and economic future which is based on investment and opportunity.

A package of supports for OFP recipients being transitioned must include:

The Income Disregard to remain at €90 for all OPFs regardless of their payment.

Equal access to all activation measures and in particular MOMENTUM.
Access to free fees for part-time education options.
Allow JSTA CE participants to have an additional payment of €50/week equalising it with JobBridge in recognition of family costs.
Provide specialist bridging programmes for lone parents such as New Futures and New Steps.
Raise the Qualified Child Increase to help reduce child poverty by tailoring it to the poorest families.
Recognise the value and costs of shared parenting by providing the Single
Person Child Carer Credit to each parent.
Adjust the Family Income Supplement so that it makes work pay for lone parents by reducing the qualifying hours to 15 hours per week and taper payment.

Provide a high quality accessible Childcare and Out Of School Care system.

Previous Budget Cuts

Previous cuts that have targeted One-Parent Family Payment recipients since Budget 2011 include:

Budget 2014

The One Parent Family Tax Credit was discontinued and replaced with the Single Person Child Carer Credit, which only one parent can claim, whereas the previous credit could be claimed by both parents sharing parenting.
Maternity Benefit was standardised at €230, an increase for some but a decrease of €32 for others.
The FÁS training allowance was discontinued for those in receipt of some social welfare payments, including those receiving One Parent Family Payment.

Budget 2013

Child Benefit was reduced from €140 per child to €130 (for 1st, 2nd and 3rd child) in Budget 2013.
Back to School Clothing & Footwear Allowance (BTSCFA): Reduced from €250 to €200 for children aged 12+, and from €150 down to €100 for 4-11 year olds.
Cost of Education Allowance (paid with Back to Education Allowance, BTEA) cut completely from €300 down to €0 for all new and existing BTEA recipients.

Budget 2012

BTSCFA, from €305 reduced to €250 for 12+, and from €200 down to €150 for 4-11 yr olds; age eligibility also increased from 2 to 4 year olds in 2012.
Ongoing cuts to OFP include Income Disregard cut from €146.50 down to €90.
The half rate transition payment of OFP was cut for those who were going into work and stopping payment.
OFP recipients lost access to half rate payment for Illness Benefit and Jobseeker’s Benefit, where applicable.
Fuel Allowance was reduced from 32 weeks to 26 weeks.
Cost of Education Allowance (for BTEA recipients) reduced from €500 to €300.
CE Scheme participants, many of whom were lone parents, had their training and materials grant cut from €1,500 to €500; and new CE participants from 2012 could not get ‘double’ payment, just €20 extra allowance.

Budget 2011

Cuts included the main rate of social welfare payments reduced from €196 down to €188.
Child Benefit was reduced by €10 for 1st and 2nd child / €150 to €140; 3rd child / €187 to €167; 4th and subsequent child / reduced to €177.
Christmas Bonus was discontinued (half-rate partial reinstatement for some last year).

About One Family

One Family was founded in 1972 as Cherish and is Ireland’s leading organisation for one-parent families and people sharing parenting or separating, offering support, information and services to all members of all one-parent families, to those sharing parenting, to those experiencing an unplanned pregnancy and to professionals working with one-parent families. Children are at the centre of One Family’s work and the organisation helps all the adults in their lives, including mums, dads, grandparents, step-parents, new partners and other siblings, offering a holistic model of specialist family support services. These services include the lo-call askonefamily national helpline on 1890 66 22 12, counselling, and provision of training courses for parents and for professionals. One Family also promotes Family Day and presents the Family Day Festival every May, an annual celebration of the diversity of families in Ireland today (www.familyday.ie). For further information, visit www.onefamily.ie.

Available for Interview

Karen Kiernan, CEO | t: 01 662 9212 or 086 850 9191

Further Information/Scheduling

Shirley Chance, Director of Communications | t: 01 662 9212 or 087 414 8511