One Family’s Survival Guide to Christmas

Christmas can be a wonderful time when we come together to celebrate the passing of another year and to look forward to beginning a new year full of potential and possibility.

But it can also be a time of enormous stress and tremendous loneliness. Images of happy faces and perfect families may not match the sadness and pain we are feeling inside.

For some one-parent families, Christmas can be particularly difficult. It can be a time when painful feelings are magnified. Financial strain, complicated access arrangements and spending lots of time with relatives can further add to feelings of anxiety and distress.

Becoming aware of and acknowledging the immense pressure you may be feeling during the run up to Christmas is an important step in managing. Planning ahead is critical.

Some general points to consider

Plan Christmas as early as possible.

Keep things simple Abandon perfectionism!

Negotiate and finalise access arrangements as early possible.

Remember, Christmas is often not the time to challenge a person’s behaviour. Christmas is too emotionally charged. If a behaviour is tolerable and does not endanger another person’s wellbeing then it may be better to wait until the Christmas period is over.

Parents should avoid competing with each other through giving expensive presents. Expensive presents are a poor substitute for telling your child you love them and spending time with them.

Reassure your child that it is ok to talk about sad feelings at Christmas time. Acknowledging your own feelings without laying blame. However, be careful not to use your child as a confidant or peer

Try to reach out to those you trust for support.

Christmas Alone

S0me members of one-parent families will be spending Christmas alone as the children may be spending their holidays with the other parent. For some people being on their own at Christmas is enjoyable and can be a time to do things that they wouldn’t normally get done. However for others, being alone at Christmas increases feelings of depression, loneliness and isolation.

If you know that you are spending Christmas alone and know that this will be difficult for you it is really important to devise a coping strategy as soon as possible. Don’t wait, hoping that someone will ask you over and don’t put off thinking about what you will do.

Make contact with family or friends see if you can share Christmas with them.

Or, tell yourself you are worth it and prepare a special meal for yourself.

Plan each day well in advance – try to know exactly what you will be doing. A structure can be really helpful during the holidays when you have a lot of time alone.

Volunteering or getting involved in local activities can help you re-connect with other people and put meaning back into the season.

Attending a religious service or communal celebration might also help to give a sense of re-connection with others

Get out of the house and go for a walk.

Try to avoid things that make you feel worse such as alcohol, recreational drugs, over eating.

Remind yourself that this is a difficult time and that it will pass.

Coping with sad or painful memories

Christmas is a time when we can become painfully aware of the losses in our lives. If you are trying to manage painful feelings at Christmas here are some ideas that might help:

Try not to hide your feelings, find someone you can talk to.

Reassure children and young people that it is ok to feel upset and encourage them to talk about how their feeling

Light a special candle for the person who is missing or for the painful secret or memory you’re trying to cope with.

Keep a diary over the holiday and really use it to write down how you are feeling

It can be helpful for children to remember people who are no longer in their lives through making a special bauble for the Christmas Tree that represents them.

Dealing with conflict

Many of the worst family arguments happen at Christmas. The availability of alcohol, bored children and being cooped up with relatives can create tension.

Try to pre-empt possible arguments by planning access arrangements in advance

Try to communicate in a direct, open and honest manner

Don’t meet another person’s anger with your anger

Respect yourself even if the other parent shows you none

Get out for a walk with the children – tire them out

Have a bath or take a nap to get away from everyone

Be willing to compromise if necessary

Keep adult communication directly between adults. Refuse to use your child as a go-between

Financial Management at Christmas

It’s a really good idea to make a commitment to yourself that you will not over spend this Christmas. Here are some sample categories which might help:

Be very realistic – remember the presents are only the start.

Be honest – can you really afford to fund such a sum? If the answer is no, you must cut back

Be wary of credit – If you find that you need short-term credit to bridge the gap between normal income and abnormal expenditure at Christmas, decide how you will fund this. Your main options are credit cards, bank-loans or authorised overdrafts. All have advantages as well as disadvantages.

Paula Lonergan is the Training Manager at One Family, Ireland’s Leading Organisation for One-parent Families. For more information see www.onefamily.ie or contact the locall askonefamily helpline on 1890 662212

If you couldn’t join us for One Family 40th  celebrations, perhaps you’d like to watch the video….

Part 1 features Mary Henry, President, One Family, John O’Connell, Chair, One Family and Catriona Crowe, Head of Special Projects at The National Archives of Ireland.

Part 2 features Karen Kiernan, Director, One Family reading a moving message from founder Maura Richards O’Dea and Minister Frances Fitzgerald T.D, Minister for Children and Youth Affairs.

Part 3 features Fintan O’Toole, Assistant Editor at The Irish Times and actors Rachael Dowling, Helene Montague and Pauline Shanahan reading the true stories of some of our clients – making it clear that One Family makes a real difference to the lives of one-parent families.

Part 4 features Geoffrey Shannon, Rapporteur on Child Protection and Karen Kiernan, Director, One Family.

As part of our 40th celebrations, we interviewed some of the original founder members of One Family – listen to their moving memories and insights into parenting alone 40 years ago, and how things have and haven’t changed….Evelyn Forde, Annette Hunter-Evans,  Margaret Murphy, Gráinne Farren  and one of the first staff members, Nuala Feric .

Our New Futures programme has been nominated for Social Innovation for Communities (SI-C) which aims to import successful solutions to solve critical social problems in Barcelona. The SI-C is an initiative by UpSocial, in partnership with the City of Barcelona, the Government of Catalonia and Citymart.com.

New Futures provides a valuable solution to the challenge of increasing the opportunities of single-parent families with children and reduce their risk of exclusion and poverty.

Lone Parents: being asked to make more sacrifices, rather than those with broader shoulders

One Family, Ireland’s leading organisation for one-parent families expresses their reaction to Budget 2013, ‘We’re looking for tailored help for families with children struggling to make ends meet as living costs rise” explains Stuart Duffin, Welfare to Work Manager.

He continues, “Those parenting alone keep being short-changed. The lowest paid families – often parents working with little pay – yet again are near the front of the queue for cuts. Child benefit, PRSI increase for low income workers, fuel, transport, property tax –  all have been taken away from family budgets which are already on the bread-line.’

As Karen Kiernan, Director of One Family further explains, “Lone parent families are doing their very best. Lone parents who are working hard to keep their families out of poverty are finding that the Government is making it harder and harder for them to make ends meet.”

She continues, “It is a matter of great concern that spending decisions keep on asking the poorest families to make more sacrifices, rather than those with broader shoulders.”

“We need to build and invest in jobs, housing and childcare, which will stimulate the economy and meet the needs of lone parent families,” concludes Stuart Duffin.                                                             

For more information contact

Stuart Duffin, Welfare to Work Manager, 087 0622023

One Family, Ireland’s leading organisation for one-parent families, calls on Government not to place the burden of the budget on the shoulders of children and one-parent families.

‘Children don’t have the broadest shoulders in our society, and yet again they are carrying the weight of the budget’ says Stuart Duffin, One Family Welfare to Work Manager, ‘Child benefit is an essential part of the income of one-parent families. It allows parents to do what are considered quite basic things by a lot of people – such as buying healthy food, paying  basic fuel bills and it is supposed to go towards supporting  childcare costs.’
He goes on to point out that ideally, the wealthiest households should carry the greater tax burden in our society, but that this will not be the outcome after cutting Child Benefit across the board.  “The real issue is that this will have a fundamental impact on child poverty and on families’ living standards more generally – on average  40% of lone parents already are struggling to make ends meet at the end of the month (GUI, Nov 2012 ). €10 cut per month will increase this figure to over 60% and further deepen poverty.

There’s no getting away from the plain fact that child poverty has risen as a result of the horrendous cuts aimed at one-parent families in Budget 2012. Ministers should be moving heaven and earth to protect children and vulnerable families from cuts and prevent child poverty growing.”

“65% of poor children live in a one-parent family, so Budget 2013 has to be balanced and show that the Government is truly on the side of these families who want to get out of poverty by supporting lone parents to get into work rather than making it more difficult by slashing Community Employment scheme payments and the earnings disregard.’

Karen Kiernan, Director of One Family urges Ministers, TDs and Senators to introduced flexibility in respect of working hours requirement for lone parents moved onto Jobseekers Allowance (JA), ‘The acceptance of part-time work as sufficient for JA when lone parents come off the One-Parent Family Payment  is vital ; it will take into account the hours needed for parenting responsibilities while helping to address some of the childcare, afterschool and child welfare issues.’

 She continues, ‘The need for such flexibilities has already been recognised in many European countries and without a flexible work requirement framework, lone parents are left exposed to precarious and low-paid work that fails to lift them out of poverty.’[2]

For more information contact:

Stuart Duffin, Welfare to Work Manager, One Family T: 01 662 9212 M: 087-0622023