Survival Guide to Christmas

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One Family’s Survival Guide to Christmas

Christmas can be a wonderful time when we come together to celebrate the passing of another year and to look forward to beginning a new year full of potential and possibility.

But it can also be a time of enormous stress and tremendous loneliness. Images of happy faces and perfect families may not match the sadness and pain we are feeling inside.

For some one-parent families, Christmas can be particularly difficult. It can be a time when painful feelings are magnified. Financial strain, complicated access arrangements and spending lots of time with relatives can further add to feelings of anxiety and distress.

Becoming aware of and acknowledging the immense pressure you may be feeling during the run up to Christmas is an important step in managing. Planning ahead is critical.

Some general points to consider

Plan Christmas as early as possible.

Keep things simple Abandon perfectionism!

Negotiate and finalise access arrangements as early possible.

Remember, Christmas is often not the time to challenge a person’s behaviour. Christmas is too emotionally charged. If a behaviour is tolerable and does not endanger another person’s wellbeing then it may be better to wait until the Christmas period is over.

Parents should avoid competing with each other through giving expensive presents. Expensive presents are a poor substitute for telling your child you love them and spending time with them.

Reassure your child that it is ok to talk about sad feelings at Christmas time. Acknowledging your own feelings without laying blame. However, be careful not to use your child as a confidant or peer

Try to reach out to those you trust for support.

Christmas Alone

S0me members of one-parent families will be spending Christmas alone as the children may be spending their holidays with the other parent. For some people being on their own at Christmas is enjoyable and can be a time to do things that they wouldn’t normally get done. However for others, being alone at Christmas increases feelings of depression, loneliness and isolation.

If you know that you are spending Christmas alone and know that this will be difficult for you it is really important to devise a coping strategy as soon as possible. Don’t wait, hoping that someone will ask you over and don’t put off thinking about what you will do.

Make contact with family or friends see if you can share Christmas with them.

Or, tell yourself you are worth it and prepare a special meal for yourself.

Plan each day well in advance – try to know exactly what you will be doing. A structure can be really helpful during the holidays when you have a lot of time alone.

Volunteering or getting involved in local activities can help you re-connect with other people and put meaning back into the season.

Attending a religious service or communal celebration might also help to give a sense of re-connection with others

Get out of the house and go for a walk.

Try to avoid things that make you feel worse such as alcohol, recreational drugs, over eating.

Remind yourself that this is a difficult time and that it will pass.

Coping with sad or painful memories

Christmas is a time when we can become painfully aware of the losses in our lives. If you are trying to manage painful feelings at Christmas here are some ideas that might help:

Try not to hide your feelings, find someone you can talk to.

Reassure children and young people that it is ok to feel upset and encourage them to talk about how their feeling

Light a special candle for the person who is missing or for the painful secret or memory you’re trying to cope with.

Keep a diary over the holiday and really use it to write down how you are feeling

It can be helpful for children to remember people who are no longer in their lives through making a special bauble for the Christmas Tree that represents them.

Dealing with conflict

Many of the worst family arguments happen at Christmas. The availability of alcohol, bored children and being cooped up with relatives can create tension.

Try to pre-empt possible arguments by planning access arrangements in advance

Try to communicate in a direct, open and honest manner

Don’t meet another person’s anger with your anger

Respect yourself even if the other parent shows you none

Get out for a walk with the children – tire them out

Have a bath or take a nap to get away from everyone

Be willing to compromise if necessary

Keep adult communication directly between adults. Refuse to use your child as a go-between

Financial Management at Christmas

It’s a really good idea to make a commitment to yourself that you will not over spend this Christmas. Here are some sample categories which might help:

Be very realistic – remember the presents are only the start.

Be honest – can you really afford to fund such a sum? If the answer is no, you must cut back

Be wary of credit – If you find that you need short-term credit to bridge the gap between normal income and abnormal expenditure at Christmas, decide how you will fund this. Your main options are credit cards, bank-loans or authorised overdrafts. All have advantages as well as disadvantages.

Paula Lonergan is the Training Manager at One Family, Ireland’s Leading Organisation for One-parent Families. For more information see www.onefamily.ie or contact the locall askonefamily helpline on 1890 662212

Watch One Family 40th Video

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If you couldn’t join us for One Family 40th  celebrations, perhaps you’d like to watch the video….

Part 1 features Mary Henry, President, One Family, John O’Connell, Chair, One Family and Catriona Crowe, Head of Special Projects at The National Archives of Ireland.

Part 2 features Karen Kiernan, Director, One Family reading a moving message from founder Maura Richards O’Dea and Minister Frances Fitzgerald T.D, Minister for Children and Youth Affairs.

Part 3 features Fintan O’Toole, Assistant Editor at The Irish Times and actors Rachael Dowling, Helene Montague and Pauline Shanahan reading the true stories of some of our clients – making it clear that One Family makes a real difference to the lives of one-parent families.

Part 4 features Geoffrey Shannon, Rapporteur on Child Protection and Karen Kiernan, Director, One Family.

One Family asks Mins, TDs and Senators to reflect on Budget 2013 impacts

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One Family recommends Ministers, TDs, Senators and the architects of Budget 2013 reflect on its impacts

One Family, Ireland’s leading organisation for one-parent families, overviews the potential impacts of Budget 2013.  Karen Kiernan, Director of One Family offers her insight, ‘Household income for lone parents is squeezed once again with 1 in 5 poor children living in a one-parent family, and this is the impact in real terms of the range of cuts and increases in taxes introduced in Budget 2013. We have been working collectively to ameliorate the impacts of Budget 2012. We are now preparing to do the same again as we see the negative impact of Budget 2013!’

‘If we are all in it together – lone parents are in it deeper than the rest. The impact of the changes in PRSI will further cut the disposable income of low income one-parent families.’  For example, ‘The Back to School Clothing and Footwear Allowance is an essential cost support for parents sending children to school, facilitating children continuing in education, thereby increasing their opportunities in later life.’

‘While we’re relieved that cutting the basic social welfare rate has been avoided, there is no getting around the bottom line that the decisions taken in Budget 2013, if we do not understand and alter their impact,  will put many more children into poverty whether their parents are working, unemployed, sick or disabled.’

We all must remember, ‘Children aren’t a private luxury but a public good. They are the future of our economy, our future workforce. They will pay the taxes that will pay for our schools, hospitals and pensions in the future. We owe all of them an obligation and potentially putting children in poverty makes no sense.’

One Family’s Welfare to Work Manager,  Stuart Duffin, calls on Government, TDs and Senators to reflect in the run-up to the forthcoming Bill on Social Protection, ‘Child Benefit must be tailored to ensure that it reaches those most in need, rather than just top-slicing. It’s not just and it is lazy social policy. We must ensure that the needs of economically disadvantaged families, such as those parenting alone, are fully recognised. Child Benefit should be means-tested, through the tax system, and could be paid to low income families as a refundable tax credit.’

Duffin continues, ‘Putting money into the hands of low-income families and in particular lone parents, who will spend that money at businesses in their communities, helps keep the economy moving. Increases to incomes will go directly to the purchase of food, clothing and other household necessities, benefiting not only low-income families but our economy.’

‘The property tax means that rents will increase. Families are still trying to deal with the rent supplement cuts with many continually moving, uprooting children from school and local services. If rent supplement is not reformed and brought into line with the market we are going to see many lone-parent families potentially homeless.’

Also, he suggests caution, ‘The removal of the Back to Education Allowance will act as a disincentive to going to college to gain new skills to get a sustainable job at a time when the labour-market demands strong knowledge and competences. This could react against all the efforts in place to encourage activation of lone parents and get them back into education and work.’

‘As part of our One Family – Ten Solutions – Smart Outcomes campaign we have advocated for support for after school care and increased opportunities for lone parents to gain work and skills experiences. We look forward to further details on the 10,000 extra opportunities on welfare to work initiatives and the €14 million allocated to support low income families access 6,000 places in a new Children plus Initiative,” says Stuart Duffin.

He continues, ‘Countries such as Norway, Sweden, Denmark and the Netherlands invest in skills and adequate supports to take people out of poverty.   This investment will help to do the same for those parenting alone. This is a step to improve access for lone parents to sustainable careers and education opportunities. I hope this will be an effective inter-departmental investment that will allow lone parents to improve their educational and career competences, which will result in one-parent families lifting themselves out of poverty.’

He adds, ‘One Family looks forward to working on the action plan for these initiatives. However, it must be designed to specifically address and target recipients of the One Parent Family Payment who are at a higher risk of deprivation than other families. This approach requires cooperation to reach lone parents and low income families providing an opportunity to create meaningful skills training, education and employment supports. Ensuring work pays and assistance works.’

For the full Ten Solutions Campaign click here

Ends

For more information contact:

Stuart Duffin, Welfare to Work, One Family T: 01 662 9212   M: 087-0622023

 

 

Audio interviews with One Family founders

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As part of our 40th celebrations, we interviewed some of the original founder members of One Family – listen to their moving memories and insights into parenting alone 40 years ago, and how things have and haven’t changed….Evelyn Forde, Annette Hunter-Evans,  Margaret Murphy, Gráinne Farren  and one of the first staff members, Nuala Feric .

One Family’s New Future’s nominated for award

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Our New Futures programme has been nominated for Social Innovation for Communities (SI-C) which aims to import successful solutions to solve critical social problems in Barcelona. The SI-C is an initiative by UpSocial, in partnership with the City of Barcelona, the Government of Catalonia and Citymart.com.

New Futures provides a valuable solution to the challenge of increasing the opportunities of single-parent families with children and reduce their risk of exclusion and poverty.