When A Relationship Ends: Separation & Divorce

The ending of a relationship can be a life changing event for most families, marked by a range of emotions from uncertainty and fear to courage and hope. Having the right practical and emotional support and information can help ease this transition.

Emotions

When a relationship ends, we often experience a wide range of emotions, including:

• Anger
• Abandonment
• Confusion
• Loss
• Relief

These emotions can create a variety of reactions or thoughts. Some common ones include:

• Shock and disbelief; “This can’t be happening to me…’.
• Denial of what’s happening or avoiding thinking about it.
• Bargaining with the other person; “I’ll change if you stay”.
• Blaming yourself or the other person; “If only I…” or “It’s your fault”… “If only they hadn’t”…. or ” If only they could..”.
• Guilt, particularly for the person who wanted the breakup.
• Relief, especially if there had been a long time period of difficulties or intimate partner abuse in the relationship.
• Despair
• Depression
• Hopeless or negative thinking about the present and the future
• Fear and uncertainty; “What will the future look like?”

Coping with emotions

Coping with all that you are feeling is not easy. You will need to allow yourself time to grieve the loss of the relationship and to come to terms with what has happened. Finding someone you feel comfortable talking to will help.  This may be a trusted friend or family member, a therapist. One Family offer a range of support, including:

• Free listening support from our  AskOneFamily Helpline.
• A variety of family support options from our Parenting team.
• Online courses for you and/or your ex-partner, including  Separating Well For Children, Clear & Direct Communication and Family Communication: Parenting Teens.

There also other organisations that can also offer you confidential support to help you.

Dealing with practicalities

It can often feel overwhelming when thinking of your new reality and the many things which need to be sorted out. When you are going through such a stressful and upsetting time, often the very last things you want to face are the practical issues that come with separation. However, these issues need attention and the sooner you begin resolving them, the sooner the family can start making new routines and arrangements. The following tips may be helpful in approaching this:

• Time: If possible, give yourself time and space away from your former partner before making any major decisions. This can help you gain clarity about what is best for you and the children. Although you might be, understandably, experiencing pain and hurt, you don’t want to make long-term decisions from this place.
• Honest communication: Where possible, commit to open and honest communication, even if the other parent is not prepared to do so.  Stating clearly what you would like or hope to achieve and working from there will create a good foundation moving forward.
• Don’t involve your child: This can feel difficult for parents, but no matter the age of your child, try not to involve them in the intimacies of your relationship with their parent. Don’t use them to carry messages to the other parent and don’t vent to them about their other parent. This will only cause stress and difficulty for your child.
• No assumptions: Having an belief about what the other person is thinking or doing, without any evidence, isn’t helpful to either of you. If you think either of you would benefit from some help on clear and direct communication, we have an online course which can support you.
• Consider mediation: The first phase of separation can often be the hardest, with emotions high and hurt feelings. However, it’s also a key time for figuring out long-term plans and how to share parenting. A mediation service can be extremely useful for parents who are freshly separated, to figure out an agreement which is fair. Both parties must voluntarily agree to attend and be committed to the process for mediation to be effective.
• Inform yourself: If you think you’ll need legal assistance or to go through the Family Courts, make sure you get information from a reliable source. We have a range of legal information available on our website, which can be a useful starting point.
• Stress management: Separation can be a marathon, not a sprint. It’s understandable and common to experience higher levels of stress during it. But it’s important that you find ways to take care of yourself. Talking, to friends and family or a professional; exercise; connecting with loved ones and finding glimmers can all be helpful in supporting your mental health. Stress can also have a physical impact on the body. Should you be concerned about how stress might be impacting you or if you think you’re experiencing depression or anxiety, visit your GP.

We have a range of information on our website, which may be helpful as you navigate separation, including:

• Information pages written by our Parenting team, including How Your Child May Feel During Separation, How To Tell Your Child You’re Separating, and How To Cope When You Feel Like Giving Up.
• Financial Support
• Access arrangements with children
• Legal processes
• Property and living arrangements

Separation and your children

Separation and relationship break-up will have an impact on children. Like their parents, they are likely to feel a range of emotions which may include anxiety, upset, sadness, confusion, insecurity, fear, anxiety and possibly relief.  How their parents interact during the breakup, how communication is handled, and how they themselves are treated will influence how well they cope during the initial stages.

The following guidelines may help you in supporting your children during this time:

• It’s important to be honest with children and to tell them what is happening in age appropriate way. If possible, both parents should do this together. These tips on telling children about separation may help.
• Don’t involve children in conflicts between adults.
• Don’t presume a child is not upset just because they do not cry or tell you that they are upset.
• Give them plenty of time and space to talk about what has happened and how they are feeling.  Make sure you really listen to what they are saying.  Sometimes children can blame themselves for what has happened so reassure them the situation isn’t anyone’s fault.
• There are  books on separation and changing families that may be helpful when explaining the situation to your children. Don’t forget to ask them how they are feeling, and to make time to spend together.  Remember – it is okay to let your children see you are upset but make sure you don’t use them as a ‘shoulder to cry on’.
• Don’t ‘bad mouth’ the other parent in front of children. Children can often see the criticism of the other parent as a criticism of themselves.  It is not a good idea to put the children in situations where they have to choose one parent over the other.
• Try to keep life as normal as possible – stick to routines.
• If at all possible and if they are happy to do so, children should spend time with both parents.
• You may need to talk to teachers or other significant people in the child’s life so that they are aware of what is happening.
• Don’t try to make up for the situation by buying toys for your child.
• Don’t forget the extended family, grandparents, uncles, aunts and friends can help to support children at these difficult times.
• Most importantly, children need lots of reassurance, honesty, and love from both parents.
• Remember that although your relationship as partners may be over, your relationship as parents continues. Gaining knowledge and support on Separating Well For Children can be an empowering first step.

The Extended Family

When a relationship ends it can impact other family members – such as grandparents, aunts, uncles etc. Members of the extended family can feel unsure as how best to help. They may fear that they will lose contact with the children, especially if they are the family of the non-custodial parent. It is important to remember that while your relationship with the other parent has now changed, this does not mean that your relationship with the extended family must end. Before you decide what is best, consider the following:

• If possible, having regular contact with grandparents and relatives from both families can help children feel secure at a time when there may be a lot of upheaval and change in routine.  Contact with the extended family on both sides can give children a sense of belonging.
• Many grandparents fear losing contact with their grandchildren.
• Being clear and honest in your communication with extended family members can help to avoid misunderstandings and arguments.