WHEN A RELATIONSHIP ENDS – including through Separation and Divorce

Feelings

Relationships have such potential to bring joy and happiness into our lives. We learn how to love and care for others and, in turn, how to accept love and care from others. On the other hand, relationships may cause feelings of emotional pain, anger and hurt.

When a relationship ends, we are left experiencing a wide range of often conflicting emotions including anger, abandonment, confusion, loss and relief. People cope differently with the ending of an intimate relationship. Some common initial reactions may include;

Shock and disbelief – ‘this can’t be happening to me…’
Denial – not thinking about what is happening
Anger
Bargaining with the other person – ‘I’ll change if you stay’
Blaming yourself or the other person – ‘If only I…’ or ‘It’s your fault. If only they hadn’t’….,’ if only they could..’
Guilt – the person who initiated the breakup may experience feelings of guilt, not wanting to stay in the relationship but also not wanting to hurt the other person
Relief – there may be relief after years of relationship difficulties, particularly if there was intimate partner abuse.
Despair and depression – everyday tasks may feel difficult, and hope may feel hard to find.
Fear and uncertainty- ‘?’ What will the future look like?

Coping with the initial feelings

During the early stages you may experience many conflicting feelings about the situation and the other person. Often the overwhelming feeling is anger; this is a natural and normal response. There are many reasons for feeling angry – being left to manage children’s care and their responses to the separation, or having limited access to your children, infidelity, having to move out of a family home, and sudden financial insecurity. Underneath feelings of anger often lie sadness, hurt, abandonment and fear of the unknown.

Coping with all that you are feeling is not easy. You will need to allow yourself time to grieve the loss of the relationship and to come to terms with what has happened. Finding someone you feel comfortable talking to will help.

This may be a trusted friend or family member, a therapist, or you can get listening support from the One Family helpline.

There are a number of other organisations that can also offer you confidential support.

Sorting out the practicalities

‘It just felt like there was so much to sort out… every time I thought about all the business to be worked out, I just felt sick.’

When you are going through such a stressful and upsetting time, often the very last things you want to face are the practical issues that come with separation. However, these issues need attention and the sooner you begin resolving them, the sooner the family can start making new routines and arrangements. One Family provides a range of information which can help, including;

Ensuring that you are not making decisions and acting out of the pain and hurt you feel is vital.

The guidelines below might help you to sort out practicalities more easily:

If possible, give yourself time and space away from your former partner before making any major decisions. This can help you gain clarity about what is best for you and the children.
Where possible, commit to open and honest communication even if the other parent is not prepared to do so.
Communicate directly with the other parent- do not use your child or another person to act as a message carrier- unless doing so would put you at risk of harm.
Don’t make or act on assumptions about what the other person is thinking or doing. One Family has developed a course on clear and direct communication for those separating and/or sharing parenting.
Sometimes a third party, like a mediation service is needed to help navigate the separation arrangements. Both parties must voluntarily agree to attend and be committed to the process for mediation to be effective.
However, often legal assistance is needed. While One Family does not provide legal advice, a range of legal information is available.
Make sure you pay attention to your health as times of stress can weaken the body. If necessary, visit your GP.

Separation and your children

Separation and relationship break-up will have an impact on children. Like their parents, they are likely to feel a range of emotions which may include anxiety, upset, sadness, confusion, insecurity, fear, anxiety and possibly relief. How their parents interact during the breakup, how communication is handled, and how they themselves are treated will influence how well they cope during the initial stages.

The following guidelines may help you in supporting your children during this time:

It’s important to be honest with children and to tell them what is happening in age appropriate way. If possible, both parents should do this together. These tips on telling children about separation may help.
Don’t involve children in conflicts between adults.
Don’t presume a child is not upset just because they do not cry or tell you that they are upset.
Give them plenty of time and space to talk about what has happened and how they are feeling. Make sure you really listen to what they are saying. Sometimes children can blame themselves for what has happened so reassure them the situation isn’t anyone’s fault.
There are books on separation and changing families that may be helpful when explaining the situation to your children. Don’t forget to ask them how they are feeling, and to make time to spend together. Remember – it is okay to let your children see you are upset but make sure you don’t use them as a ‘shoulder to cry on’.
Don’t ‘bad mouth’ the other parent in front of children. Children can often see the criticism of the other parent as a criticism of themselves. It is not a good idea to put the children in situations where they have to choose one parent over the other.
Try to keep life as normal as possible – stick to routines.
If at all possible and if they are happy to do so, children should spend time with both parents.
You may need to talk to teachers or other significant people in the child’s life so that they are aware of what is happening.
Don’t try to make up for the situation by buying toys for your child.
Don’t forget the extended family, grandparents, uncles, aunts and friends can help to support children at these difficult times.
Most importantly, children need lots of reassurance, honesty, and love from both parents.
Remember that although your relationship as partners may be over, your relationship as parents continues. Gaining knowledge and support on Separating Well For Children can be an empowering first step.

The Extended Family

When a relationship ends it can impact other family members – such as grandparents, aunts, uncles etc. Members of the extended family can feel unsure as how best to help. They may fear that they will lose contact with the children, especially if they are the family of the non-custodial parent. It is important to remember that while your relationship with the other parent has now changed, this does not mean that your relationship with the extended family must end. Before you decide what is best, consider the following:

If possible, having regular contact with grandparents and relatives from both families can help children feel secure at a time when there may be a lot of upheaval and change in routine. Contact with the extended family on both sides can give children a sense of belonging.
Many grandparents fear losing contact with their grandchildren.
Being clear and honest in your communication with extended family members can help to avoid misunderstandings and arguments.

In Summary

The ending of a relationship can be a life changing event for most families, marked by a range of emotions from uncertainty and fear to courage and hope. Having the right practical and emotional support and information can help ease this transition. A helpful first step may be to contact the One Family helpline to find out more about what supports are available.