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How To Tell Your Child That You're Separating

For a parent the thought of telling your children that you and their other parent are separating is incredibly hard to imagine. It’s common to feel overwhelmed and unsure of how to approach the conversation, what to tell them and what to not say. 

It can feel easier to avoid having the conversation or hope that your child won’t notice the change. But it’s critical that parents talk with their children as soon as possible once a decision to separate has been made.

Even if you are still living in the home together, but have ended your romantic relationship, you should tell your child. Children are very observant and as much as you might think they do not notice that things have changed, they do.

Children will be the first to notice and feel that something is different and they need your support to understand what this change is so they are not left feeling worried, anxious, scared and upset trying to figure out a feeling or a sense they have, but without the maturity or words to understand it. 

Young children need parents to sit with them and help them to understand that the family form is about to change.  They need support and to be told how much they are loved and how they will remain central in their parents lives and the decisions they make.

Tips for telling your young child (aged 2-4) that you’re separating

  • Use imaginative play: Young children both learn things and process things through imaginative play. Sit with them as you play with dolls or figurines  create two homes to play in. Introduce the concept of Mummy in one house and Daddy in the other house and then play a game of the child coming to spend time in each house. Help them to build the home, what it looks like, what they would have in each home to make it nice and safe, and a place they would like to be. What would Mummy need in her home and Daddy in his home? When the homes are built, talk with your child about what it would be like if there really were two homes and that one parent was going to live in a new house, just like in the game. Hear what your child has to say. Gently explore what they come up with.
  • Address the practicalities: Children will have many practical concerns at this age about living in two homes around toys, belongings etc. Remember children at this age are still very egocentric and life is all about them and their needs. Talk with them gently about how you might be able to meet those concerns for them.
  • Continue the conversation: It’s not about one big conversation, but lots of little ones. Keep talking about what is happening by using story books and art work. Draw images of family and home as you know it now and then again introduce two homes and what would they look like. Use imaginative play to create the two homes again and encourage your child to play the game over and over so they can process how this might all work for them. Playing this game with your young child will help you as a parent to understand what their needs are, what they are worried about and what you as their parent need to do in order to support them through this major family and life change.
  • Be honest: Always be honest with children, in an age appropriate way. Just answer the question that they ask, as honestly as your can, in the simplest way that you can. Don’t offer up additional information, just focus on answering the specific question they asked. Children will process and then return to you with more questions as they have them.
  • Don’t blame: Do not tell children one parent is to blame for the separation, even if you feel this is the truth. There is nothing positive that will be achieved for your child by doing this. This can feel difficult, especially during the first phases of a separation, so it’s critical that if you think you need support with this, you seek it. One Family provide a range of supports to families that may be useful. 
  • Stop the conflict: If conflict formed a regular part of life leading up to the separation, you need to seek professional support around how to learn to communicate more effectively with each other. Children do not suffer negatively because of family separation but they do with prolonged chronic parental conflict. One Family have a range of online parenting courses which can help parents with this. 
  • Parental presence: If one of the parents is leaving the family home, ensure that your child can see the other parent often and frequently, if possible. Children need constant reassurance during the early stages of separation that both parents are there for them and they need to see each parent to know they are okay.
  • Self-care: Separation can be exhausting, both emotionally and practically. It’s important to look after yourself and take moments when you can to mind your wellbeing. Exercise, meditation or watching your favourite TV show uninterrupted can all be helpful activities which top-up your resilience. Lean on friends and family for support or engage in therapy to help you process your feelings around the end of your relationship. This can be a challenging time and it can feel even harder when you are trying to build a positive parenting relationship with the other parent.  Be kind to yourself. 
  • Create your own shared parenting plan: Every family is unique and  therefore the shared parenting plan should be unique to your family, ensuring your child’s needs are met within it. Try not to listen to what others have done or what you think the norm is. All plans will need to be adjusted over time as children grow and life changes and this should be expected and supported.

Tips for telling your child (aged 5-9) that you’re separating

Children of this age are a little wiser to the world. They are in school and they understand more clearly that children all have parents or carers. They will at this stage have a long enough history of living with both of their parents to really value what that offers to them.

Children of this age notice everything and are sensitive to change.

In their own lives they are managing so much in school as they engage with the community there, with extracurricular activities and the larger community. Introducing a family change can be very hard for them as they feel it emotionally more so than their younger counter parts as they are starting to understand emotions and how they feel and they can in many ways express it more clearly to us as parents.

  • Tell your child together: At this age group it is best for both parents to sit the children down together and tell them, for example, ‘Mummy and Daddy no longer want to live in the same house. You may have noticed we fight more than we should and we don’t think this is the best way for our family to be. We have decided that we are going to have two homes and live separately where you will live with us.’ It is really important to be clear with the children, do not leave them confused in the message you give to them. On the day you share this news with your child, try to ensure both parents can be around for them for the remainder of the day. Do something nurturing with them, reading a story, bath time, art work. Allow them time to go away and play and to find you again for more questions or a cuddle. Children will need a lot of reassurance that both parents still love them and will be there for them.
  • Be clear, direct, honest: Be very clear and direct with this age group, do not tell them false truths. Try to have as much practical information as you can to give them and reenforce how you both love your child and always will, that will never change.
  • No blame games: Do not blame one parent for the separation. Children love parents equally regardless of what either of you might do. They are loyal to both parents, so do not ask them to take sides, as in the long run you will create emotional turmoil for them. The details of why the separation happened are for you as parents to figure out; it is your intimate relationship. While you need to be honest with your children about what is happening, you don’t need to give them the explicit reasons why. Even though you are separating, you are still parenting together and you want to build a positive relationship to do that and both have active role in parenting, and continuing to parent, your child.
  • Encourage questions: It’s normal that children have lots of questions and queries. Create a space that enables them to ask these, without fear of upsetting you. It’s important that you are a calm emotional space for your children to allow their feelings spill out to. It’s normal for children to feel shocked, sad, upset, angry or confused. But feelings come and feelings go and as they adjust to the “new normal”, feelings won’t feel as intense. 
  • Prepare them before moving: If one of you is moving out of the family home, talk with your child about how two homes is going to happen. Do not allow them to witness a situation where one parent packs and says goodbye. This is heartbreaking for children to see a parent walk out the door, the sense of abandonment and hurt can be felt for many years. Prepare them as much as you can in advance about the parent who is leaving, show them where you are going to be staying, have them over to visit or stay overnight, if it’s possible. 
  • Involve your child in the plans: Plan with your child, as much as you may not want to, around the next steps. Allow them be involved in making the changes as this will support them to understand it more clearly. By understanding what is happening they will develop the language to talk about it with you and with others.
  • Encourage openness: Support children to know the separation is not a secret. They can tell their close friends if they wish to  and talk to relatives about it. As parents it is really important to tell the school. Schools will notice a change in your child and they need to understand the background. This will also allow the school to be more sensitive to the issue in class work and activities.
  • Talking and listening: Create plenty of opportunity for your child to talk about what is happening. Do not try to justify the changes or fix them. Just listen and tell your childr you are happy they can talk about what worries them with you. As two parents separating, you need to take this on board when arranging a shared parenting agreement, keeping your child central to the decisions you make going forward.

Tips for telling your child (aged 10-14+) that you are separating 

Children of this age can be very mature and portray an image that they can cope with a lot more than their age would suggest.

However, they are still children and will need a lot of support to understand and cope with family separation.

At this age children are at a critical stage of change in their own development so adding a family change can bring great turmoil for them. This age group are very concerned with what others think and know about them. They may fear bullying, whispering and others talking about their family.

Children of this age could be acutely aware that the parental relationship was not working well, that there was conflict or unhappiness; however they may also have no other experience of family life, so accept this is family life. They may be relieved that the conflict will end with the separation if the parents can manage to agree how to share parenting and move forward, unfortunately many parents do not stop the conflict at separation. Children can become very confused as to the benefit of the separation for anyone.

  • Tell them together: Both parents should sit down with your child and tell them very clearly that you have decided to separate. Children may walk away when you tell them this, overwhelmed with emotion and unable to talk or ask questions. It is important for parents to be available to them for the remainder of the day, even if they don’t want to speak. This demonstrates togetherness in your parenting and your shared love for your child, even though your intimate relationship has ended. 

  • Encourage questions: Allow your children to ask questions. Many will be about their own needs or what may happen to them. Children will worry about change and who will notice the change. They may worry about how their life will change, from the the practical to the emotional.  Try answers their questions as honestly as you can, providing reassurance and security. 
  • Demonstrate togetherness: It is important as two parents to reassure your children you are going to work with each other to find the best solutions to all of these worries as you both love your children and want the best for them. Try not to make promises at this time until you have both talked and agreed what the plan will be. Focus on the high-level things; you both love your child and want what’s best for your child and will together to achieve this.
  • Don’t share intimate details: If a partner is not a good partner, it doesn’t mean they’re not a good parent. Your child only has two parents and loves you both equally, it’s important that you don’t try to damage (intentionally or not) with their other parent. They do not need to know what happened  to cause the relationship to break down. The relationship they have with you as their parent is very separate to the one you have with their other parent. 
  • Plan the new normal: Plan with your children how the two homes will be created and how and when one parent will leave. Children will remember this event for life so try to ensure you are not adding to the grief they will feel by the way you carry this out. As much as you may resent the other parent, remember if you have decided to separate it is now about the business of sharing parenting and putting the children first.

  • Further Support

    We provide limited direct support to both parents and children of one-parent families. This support can be requested directly by parents, for themselves or their child, and by professionals who work with one-parent families. You can find out more about this support here.

    Helpline

    Our askonefamily helpline is open 10am – 3pm, Monday – Friday. We provide detailed, confidential information on social-welfare entitlements and finances, family law, housing, education, childcare and parenting.We also offer a listening-support service for people who need help parenting alone, sharing parenting or separating.

    You can call the askonefamily helpline on 0818 662 212 or 01 662 9212, or email your query to helpline@onefamily.ie.