How To Explain An Absent Parent

Note: The term ‘absent parent’ refers to a parent whom a child has never met or has had very little contact with. This is different to a ‘non-resident parent’, ‘non-primary’ or ‘secondary carer’, or when parents co-parent/share parenting of their child.

Children can grow up perfectly happily and successfully in a one-parent family. What they need are quality relationships with people in their life who like to spend quality time with them, people who understand them and who can support their needs. Once you can love your child and support them, they will and can be very happy and confident in their family form.

People find themselves parenting alone through a variety of circumstances. It is natural that children will become curious about their other parent and start to ask questions about them as they grow.

This can be very difficult to deal with as a parent, especially if processing our own feelings of hurt, rejection, anger or grief. What is most important is to be prepared for questions, to be consistent, honest and straightforward, in an age-appropriate manner.

Read our top tips for helpful guidance on how to explain an absent or missing parent to your child or children.

Tips

- Starting school or crèche can be a trigger: children will usually start to ask about their absent parent once they start school and start to notice that many children have two parents. Questions can increase as they grow, especially if they are working on family trees projects in school. So try to be prepared in advance of this.

- Be brave, be honest: Tell them that yes, they have two parents. Then start to tell them a little about the other parent.

- Framing it: You can tell them that the other parent was not yet ready to be a parent, perhaps that they were scared and choose not to do it, or whatever is a truthful and age-appropriate response to explaining their absence. Reassure them that they have you and you are 100% committed to being their parent and to loving and supporting them and that will never change.

- Simple, Honest, Consistent: There is no value in painting a negative picture of the parent who is absent for many reasons and young children don’t need negative information. Keep it simple and give the basic information that they need for now. Try to answer each question they have, without providing additional information. Children process things and then might come back to ask further information. Overwhelming them with all the information isn’t helpful. So if they ask “Do I have two parents”, answer “Yes, you do” and then answer any further questions they have. Often children just need basic information. They simply need to be able to say to other children, for example, “Yes, I have a daddy and his name is Jack.” Children are curious by nature so support them with this.

- Creating connection: When the time is right, talk about any similarities the child might have to the other parent. Take out any photographs you have of the other parent or photos with both parents together, if applicable. Talk with your child about when you and their other parent loved each other or really liked each other (if that is the situation) and that you both made the child together. You can create a ‘shoe box parent’ for the child. This is a box where you can place anything which has a story about the child’s other parent. This could be photos, pictures you make together of what the parent looks like, what he or she liked to do or eat, or places you visited with them. Talk with the child about any contact the other parent had with them and make it positive for them. When children grow up they will know the full story but for now, keep it simple. Children need to identify with both parents.

- Consider contact: Give some thought to making contact with an absent parent, if it is safe to do so. Allow the other parent an opportunity to explore some form of contact. If this can’t happen, then work with your child to help them understand that maybe the other parent will be ready to be a parent some day. Often when children are very keen to meet an absent parent, it is because they feel this parent will meet a currently unmet need. This often turns out not to be the case. Help your child to identify their needs so you can try to meet them. Think about contact with extended family members of the other parent if you feel it is helpful for the child. Just because a person may not want to be a parent, that may not be the same for their family members. If possible, enable grandparents or other family members an opportunity to engage with their grandchild.

- Be Open: Always allow children to ask you many questions and talk with you. Expect that every three years or so, another round of questions will come. Be patient with your child and give them permission to talk about the absent parent and ask any questions. The more comfortable you are having the conversation, the more comfortable they will be in talking to you or confiding in you about their questions and thoughts. This can take some practice, so think or even speak-out conversations, to prepare yourself for how they might go.

- Mind Yourself: Recognise that it may feel hard to talk to your child about this and go gently on yourself. Be brave when you need to, take a deep breath and do it, and then get support for yourself afterwards. Remember that your relationship with the other parent and what you experienced is not what your child has experienced. Most children do not feel rejected by not knowing an absent parent, it is we as the parents who feel rejection.

- Get Support: If you regularly find it difficult to talk about the other parent, it’s okay to get support. Many people don’t deal with the hurt and pain of the past and find that it re-surfaces in conversations or situations with their children. Many of us benefit from professional support at some point, to let go of emotions or hurt and to move into a more positive space. This can bring great positivity for you and your child. One Family offer a variety of family supports that may be useful.

- Dealing With Complex Relationships: If you became pregnant or a lone parent through an abusive experience or relationship, ensure you get support to deal with this. You can still support your child to have a positive healthy childhood, even if the history has complexity. Children don’t need to know the circumstances of how they came to be. Talk with them about who is in their life and how much they are loved. You can explore with them what they imagine life would be like with two parents and help them further explore the negatives and positives of that life. Talk with them about how wonderful that vision is for them. Don’t try to corrode it by being negative. Tell them that you are glad they shared that with you. You can’t make it different, so just be the best parent you can be for your child.

Further Support

We provide limited direct support to both parents and children of one-parent families. This support can be requested directly by parents, for themselves or their child, and by professionals who work with one-parent families. You can find out more about this support here.

Helpline

Our askonefamily helpline is open 10am – 3pm, Monday – Friday. We provide detailed, confidential information on social-welfare entitlements and finances, family law, housing, education, childcare and parenting.We also offer a listening-support service for people who need help parenting alone, sharing parenting or separating.

You can call the askonefamily helpline on 0818 662 212 or 01 662 9212, or email your query to helpline@onefamily.ie.

How To Tell Your Child That You're Separating

For a parent the thought of telling your children that you and their other parent are separating is incredibly hard to imagine. It’s common to feel overwhelmed and unsure of how to approach the conversation, what to tell them and what to not say.

It can feel easier to avoid having the conversation or hope that your child won’t notice the change. But it’s critical that parents talk with their children as soon as possible once a decision to separate has been made.

Even if you are still living in the home together, but have ended your romantic relationship, you should tell your child. Children are very observant and as much as you might think they do not notice that things have changed, they do.

Children will be the first to notice and feel that something is different and they need your support to understand what this change is so they are not left feeling worried, anxious, scared and upset trying to figure out a feeling or a sense they have, but without the maturity or words to understand it.

Young children need parents to sit with them and help them to understand that the family form is about to change. They need support and to be told how much they are loved and how they will remain central in their parents lives and the decisions they make.

Tips for telling your young child (aged 2-4) that you’re separating

Use imaginative play: Young children both learn things and process things through imaginative play. Sit with them as you play with dolls or figurines create two homes to play in. Introduce the concept of Mummy in one house and Daddy in the other house and then play a game of the child coming to spend time in each house. Help them to build the home, what it looks like, what they would have in each home to make it nice and safe, and a place they would like to be. What would Mummy need in her home and Daddy in his home? When the homes are built, talk with your child about what it would be like if there really were two homes and that one parent was going to live in a new house, just like in the game. Hear what your child has to say. Gently explore what they come up with.
Address the practicalities: Children will have many practical concerns at this age about living in two homes around toys, belongings etc. Remember children at this age are still very egocentric and life is all about them and their needs. Talk with them gently about how you might be able to meet those concerns for them.
Continue the conversation: It’s not about one big conversation, but lots of little ones. Keep talking about what is happening by using story books and art work. Draw images of family and home as you know it now and then again introduce two homes and what would they look like. Use imaginative play to create the two homes again and encourage your child to play the game over and over so they can process how this might all work for them. Playing this game with your young child will help you as a parent to understand what their needs are, what they are worried about and what you as their parent need to do in order to support them through this major family and life change.
Be honest: Always be honest with children, in an age appropriate way. Just answer the question that they ask, as honestly as your can, in the simplest way that you can. Don’t offer up additional information, just focus on answering the specific question they asked. Children will process and then return to you with more questions as they have them.
Don’t blame: Do not tell children one parent is to blame for the separation, even if you feel this is the truth. There is nothing positive that will be achieved for your child by doing this. This can feel difficult, especially during the first phases of a separation, so it’s critical that if you think you need support with this, you seek it. One Family provide a range of supports to families that may be useful.
Stop the conflict: If conflict formed a regular part of life leading up to the separation, you need to seek professional support around how to learn to communicate more effectively with each other. Children do not suffer negatively because of family separation but they do with prolonged chronic parental conflict. One Family have a range of online parenting courses which can help parents with this.
Parental presence: If one of the parents is leaving the family home, ensure that your child can see the other parent often and frequently, if possible. Children need constant reassurance during the early stages of separation that both parents are there for them and they need to see each parent to know they are okay.
Self-care: Separation can be exhausting, both emotionally and practically. It’s important to look after yourself and take moments when you can to mind your wellbeing. Exercise, meditation or watching your favourite TV show uninterrupted can all be helpful activities which top-up your resilience. Lean on friends and family for support or engage in therapy to help you process your feelings around the end of your relationship. This can be a challenging time and it can feel even harder when you are trying to build a positive parenting relationship with the other parent. Be kind to yourself.
Create your own shared parenting plan: Every family is unique and therefore the shared parenting plan should be unique to your family, ensuring your child’s needs are met within it. Try not to listen to what others have done or what you think the norm is. All plans will need to be adjusted over time as children grow and life changes and this should be expected and supported.

Tips for telling your child (aged 5-9) that you’re separating

Children of this age are a little wiser to the world. They are in school and they understand more clearly that children all have parents or carers. They will at this stage have a long enough history of living with both of their parents to really value what that offers to them.

Children of this age notice everything and are sensitive to change.

In their own lives they are managing so much in school as they engage with the community there, with extracurricular activities and the larger community. Introducing a family change can be very hard for them as they feel it emotionally more so than their younger counter parts as they are starting to understand emotions and how they feel and they can in many ways express it more clearly to us as parents.

Tell your child together: At this age group it is best for both parents to sit the children down together and tell them, for example, ‘Mummy and Daddy no longer want to live in the same house. You may have noticed we fight more than we should and we don’t think this is the best way for our family to be. We have decided that we are going to have two homes and live separately where you will live with us.’ It is really important to be clear with the children, do not leave them confused in the message you give to them. On the day you share this news with your child, try to ensure both parents can be around for them for the remainder of the day. Do something nurturing with them, reading a story, bath time, art work. Allow them time to go away and play and to find you again for more questions or a cuddle. Children will need a lot of reassurance that both parents still love them and will be there for them.
Be clear, direct, honest: Be very clear and direct with this age group, do not tell them false truths. Try to have as much practical information as you can to give them and reenforce how you both love your child and always will, that will never change.
No blame games: Do not blame one parent for the separation. Children love parents equally regardless of what either of you might do. They are loyal to both parents, so do not ask them to take sides, as in the long run you will create emotional turmoil for them. The details of why the separation happened are for you as parents to figure out; it is your intimate relationship. While you need to be honest with your children about what is happening, you don’t need to give them the explicit reasons why. Even though you are separating, you are still parenting together and you want to build a positive relationship to do that and both have active role in parenting, and continuing to parent, your child.
Encourage questions: It’s normal that children have lots of questions and queries. Create a space that enables them to ask these, without fear of upsetting you. It’s important that you are a calm emotional space for your children to allow their feelings spill out to. It’s normal for children to feel shocked, sad, upset, angry or confused. But feelings come and feelings go and as they adjust to the “new normal”, feelings won’t feel as intense.
Prepare them before moving: If one of you is moving out of the family home, talk with your child about how two homes is going to happen. Do not allow them to witness a situation where one parent packs and says goodbye. This is heartbreaking for children to see a parent walk out the door, the sense of abandonment and hurt can be felt for many years. Prepare them as much as you can in advance about the parent who is leaving, show them where you are going to be staying, have them over to visit or stay overnight, if it’s possible.
Involve your child in the plans: Plan with your child, as much as you may not want to, around the next steps. Allow them be involved in making the changes as this will support them to understand it more clearly. By understanding what is happening they will develop the language to talk about it with you and with others.
Encourage openness: Support children to know the separation is not a secret. They can tell their close friends if they wish to and talk to relatives about it. As parents it is really important to tell the school. Schools will notice a change in your child and they need to understand the background. This will also allow the school to be more sensitive to the issue in class work and activities.
Talking and listening: Create plenty of opportunity for your child to talk about what is happening. Do not try to justify the changes or fix them. Just listen and tell your childr you are happy they can talk about what worries them with you. As two parents separating, you need to take this on board when arranging a shared parenting agreement, keeping your child central to the decisions you make going forward.

Tips for telling your child (aged 10-14+) that you are separating

Children of this age can be very mature and portray an image that they can cope with a lot more than their age would suggest.

However, they are still children and will need a lot of support to understand and cope with family separation.

At this age children are at a critical stage of change in their own development so adding a family change can bring great turmoil for them. This age group are very concerned with what others think and know about them. They may fear bullying, whispering and others talking about their family.

Children of this age could be acutely aware that the parental relationship was not working well, that there was conflict or unhappiness; however they may also have no other experience of family life, so accept this is family life. They may be relieved that the conflict will end with the separation if the parents can manage to agree how to share parenting and move forward, unfortunately many parents do not stop the conflict at separation. Children can become very confused as to the benefit of the separation for anyone.

Tell them together: Both parents should sit down with your child and tell them very clearly that you have decided to separate. Children may walk away when you tell them this, overwhelmed with emotion and unable to talk or ask questions. It is important for parents to be available to them for the remainder of the day, even if they don’t want to speak. This demonstrates togetherness in your parenting and your shared love for your child, even though your intimate relationship has ended.
Encourage questions: Allow your children to ask questions. Many will be about their own needs or what may happen to them. Children will worry about change and who will notice the change. They may worry about how their life will change, from the the practical to the emotional. Try answers their questions as honestly as you can, providing reassurance and security.
Demonstrate togetherness: It is important as two parents to reassure your children you are going to work with each other to find the best solutions to all of these worries as you both love your children and want the best for them. Try not to make promises at this time until you have both talked and agreed what the plan will be. Focus on the high-level things; you both love your child and want what’s best for your child and will together to achieve this.
Don’t share intimate details: If a partner is not a good partner, it doesn’t mean they’re not a good parent. Your child only has two parents and loves you both equally, it’s important that you don’t try to damage (intentionally or not) with their other parent. They do not need to know what happened to cause the relationship to break down. The relationship they have with you as their parent is very separate to the one you have with their other parent.
Plan the new normal: Plan with your children how the two homes will be created and how and when one parent will leave. Children will remember this event for life so try to ensure you are not adding to the grief they will feel by the way you carry this out. As much as you may resent the other parent, remember if you have decided to separate it is now about the business of sharing parenting and putting the children first.

Further Support
We provide limited direct support to both parents and children of one-parent families. This support can be requested directly by parents, for themselves or their child, and by professionals who work with one-parent families. You can find out more about this support here.
Helpline
Our askonefamily helpline is open 10am – 3pm, Monday – Friday. We provide detailed, confidential information on social-welfare entitlements and finances, family law, housing, education, childcare and parenting.We also offer a listening-support service for people who need help parenting alone, sharing parenting or separating.
You can call the askonefamily helpline on 0818 662 212 or 01 662 9212, or email your query to helpline@onefamily.ie.

How Your Child May Feel During Separation

Whatever the circumstances, parental separation is hard on families. Whatever your child’s age, it can be challenging to know what’s going in their head during it or how they’re feeling or what is “normal”.

You can help your child through this period of transition by learning about some common reactions and feelings children experience during separation and by ensuring your communications with them are child-centred.

Common feelings children experience during parental separation

Loyalty conflict: Children often feel like they need to “choose” one parent over the other and get caught in the middle of parental conflict. It’s important to let your child know that there is no need for them to choose a side and that that it’s okay to love both parents and want to spend time with both parents.
Needing reassurance about love: Although Mum or Dad might not love each other, it is important to reassure the child that they love him/her, that this hasn’t changed and never will.
Not wanting to visit: As they get older, children’s interests vary and the importance they place on spending time with friends or peers over their parents increases. They may not want to visit a parent, choosing instead to do something else. Although this can feel difficult or be a source of concern for the parent, it’s all a part of your child growing up. Focus on ensuring the foundation of your relationship is strong and lines of communication remain active between you.
Feeling responsible: Children may feel they are responsible for their parents separation. It’s important to reassure them that they are not to blame for the separation.
Fantasies of reconciliation: It’s a Hollywood plotline for a reason! Children may may dream up plans to get their parents to reconcile or express this as wish they would like to happen. As hard as that may be to hear at times, it can be normal part of the process. Allow your child to express this and have space around it.
Wondering what caused the separation: Children seek explanations for things all the time and it’s common for them to wonder why their parents don’t love each other anymore and even “blame” the parent who they think wanted the separation and make the other parent a “victim” of this. Understanding comes with time and maturity and although this can feel difficult, they want always frame the separation in this way. You can talk to them about how this is a decision that, in the long-term, will allow both parents to be happy and focus on the fact that both parents will always share the love of their child together.
Threats: If you do not come home, I will never speak to you again; the purpose of a statement like this is to make the parent feel guilty so that they will return home.
Anger: Particularly children between the ages of 8-16 years can experience intense anger. They can often be most angry with the parent they blame for separation, but they may express anger only towards the parent they view as the ‘safest’, usually the resident parent.
Worrying about how to tell their peers: Encourage your child to be honest about the situation. Parental separation is hugely common and there is nothing to be ashamed of.
Worrying about the future: The child may find it hard to envision what the future will look like and this can cause worry. This is more likely to occur where there is parental conflict around contact and maintenance. Parents need to listen to their child’s worries and talk honestly and openly with them about any concerns.

Further Support

Helpline

You can call the askonefamily helpline on 0818 662 212 or 01 662 9212, or email your query to helpline@onefamily.ie.

All families experience problems at some time. No matter how strong a family unit is or how positive our relationships, siblings will still argue, parents may be stressed over finances, bedtime routines may be difficult to establish. The demands of daily life can be challenging and problems can easily arise.

If a recurring problem is not addressed, over time it can become a major issue and affect the quality of life and relationships at home for every member of the family. It is essential to recognise and address problems to help prevent this happening.

Here are some tips on solving problems, together, as a family:

Name the issue, identify the problem. Work on the easier issues first of all. Working out the smaller stuff gives you the confidence to address the bigger issues.

Try to figure out how strongly everyone feels on the issue at hand by asking, on a scale of 1 to 10, how strongly do you feel about your point? 1 is not very strong and 10 is very strong.

Do not attempt to start talking about a solution until you can truly re-state each person’s point to their satisfaction and understand it, and have established what, if any, common ground there is.

Communicate about the problem with each other using the four-step method for clear and direct communication:
Observations | Be factual. Don’t judge or evaluate. State the problem clearly.

Feelings | Talk about what this observation makes you feel. Ask other family members what their feelings are about it.

Needs | Talk about the needs that cause these feelings.

Requests | Be clear, ask for – not demand – what you want. Other family members should have the option to say no and come up with alternatives.

Come up with some solutions – ask everyone in the family for them:
Select a solution.
Act on the solution. Divide out responsibility amongst the members of the family.

Appoint someone to monitor the action. For less serious issues, children can be responsible monitors too.

Evaluate the whole thing, and within a reasonable time, ask if the solution is working? If not, pick another one to try. Talk about what you all learnt from the situation.

Remember that is not your job as the parent to ‘fix’ life. Empower your children to make decisions and be responsible.

Further Support

We provide limited direct support to both parents and children of one-parent families. This support can be requested directly by parents, for themselves or their child, and by professionals who work with one-parent families. You can find out more about this support here.

Helpline

Our askonefamily helpline is open 10am – 3pm, Monday – Friday. We provide detailed, confidential information on social-welfare entitlements and finances, family law, housing, education, childcare and parenting.

We also offer a listening-support service for people who need help parenting alone, sharing parenting or separating. You can call the askonefamily helpline on 0818 662 212 or 01 662 9212, or email your query to
helpline@onefamily.ie.