At some point, a child will ask questions about their other parent that you might be unsure how to answer. Socialising with other children and become exposed to a variety of family types, starting pre-school or primary school, or being asked to complete a school activity such as creating a family tree, can all prompt your child to ask questions about their family. Whatever way it comes, it is inevitable that your child will have curiosity about their family and parents. This can feel especially difficult in a situation where the other parent is not active or regularly present in your child’s life.

Here are our suggestions to navigate that conversation with children aged 4-8 years:

1. Create a space: Conversations need an opportunity to occur, so create one for you and your child to talk without interruption. A useful way to approach is can be through reading a book together, to introduce the topic. When you are reading about the giraffe that has no daddy, or the penguin that has no mammy, you can then start to relate this to your own child. This help your child understand the diversity of the world and can really show them that their family form is wonderful, just like any other family. Have belief and confidence in your family as a parent will support your child to know they have a great place in the world with a parent who loves them.
2. Be truthful: All children have two biological parents and it’s important to acknowledge that to your child. If you have any information that you can share with them about their other parent, do so, in a way that’s age appropriate for your child. If you have a photograph of them, you can show them that. Be honest as much as you can with children. Be positive too. Children do not need to know the story of your relationship as a couple. Keep it factual. Tell them that you believe the other parent does love them, but they don’t know how to show it. Tell them that you don’t know if they will ever meet the other parent. You have no control over that.
   
   
3. Highlight the positive: Talk with your child about the day you found out you were pregnant, or that they were going to be born. Tell them a positive story about how you felt. You can then also tell them a little bit about how their other parent felt. Maybe they were scared to become a parent as they knew it was such an important job, they worried they would not be good at it. Tell them that you said ‘I can do it’ and took on this wonderful adventure with your child.
   
   
4. Let the child lead: Sometimes at this age, children will not ask that many in-depth questions. They may be happy with some basic facts and just move on, they may not even seem that interested. That is fine, but don’t use it as an excuse to bury the issue. Answer what they asked and just what they asked. If your child wants more information, they will ask another question. But sometimes, they just need space to process the answer from one question before they come back with another.
   
   
5. Present the parent: If possible. You don’t have to talk everyday but now and again, drop in comments about the other parent. Tell the child something about the other parent that the child might like to know. Try to keep the information positive.
   
   
6. Saying nothing is something: When you don’t talk about the other parent, you may think that is good, you are not saying anything bad about them; but saying nothing about the ‘elephant in the room’ sends a negative message to children. Regularly acknowledging them or mentioning them is helpful to your child.
   
   
7. Space for feelings: If your child is curious or feels sad that their other parent is not involved, talk with them some more. Tell them about your relationship with the other parent. Tell them about things you did together and the fun you had, maybe you can do some of those things with your child.
   
   
8. Permission to talk: Giveyour child permission to talk openly about the other parent. Often at school children will ask other children about parents. Make sure they feel confident to answer the questions. Usually when a child has a solid relationship with at least one adult who loves them they are often not concerned about who maybe absent from their lives.
   
   
9. You can’t “fix” it: There are only so many things that are in your control. You can’t undo the past and you can’t control the future. Allow your child talk with you and express their feelings. Just tell them thank you for sharing how they feel with you. You don’t have to justify it or try to explain it to them. Some things just cannot be explained. Children process information by talking and asking questions, they may ask you the same question many times over, this is the nature of children. Be patient with them and help them to process their feelings and the world around them.
   
   
10. Support for you: The hardest part in talking with your child about the absent parent can be dealing with your own feelings. If you have not explored your feelings over the years and have tried to put aside any pain and heartache it caused you, then you may need to seek professional support before you talk with your child, during and after. One Family can support you with this.

    To learn more about the Family Support available, please click here.