At some point, a child will ask questions about their other parent that you might be unsure how to answer. Socialising with other children and become exposed to a variety of family types, starting pre-school or primary school, or being asked to complete a school activity such as creating a family tree, can all prompt your child to ask questions about their family. Whatever way it comes, it is inevitable that your child will have curiosity about their family and parents. This can feel especially difficult in a situation where the other parent is not active or regularly present in your child’s life.

Here are our suggestions to navigate that conversation with children aged 4-8 years:

1. Create a space: Conversations need an opportunity to occur, so create one for you and your child to talk without interruption. A useful way to approach is can be through reading a book together, to introduce the topic. When you are reading about the giraffe that has no daddy, or the penguin that has no mammy, you can then start to relate this to your own child. This help your child understand the diversity of the world and can really show them that their family form is wonderful, just like any other family. Have belief and confidence in your family as a parent will support your child to know they have a great place in the world with a parent who loves them.
2. Be truthful: All children have two biological parents and it’s important to acknowledge that to your child. If you have any information that you can share with them about their other parent, do so, in a way that’s age appropriate for your child. If you have a photograph of them, you can show them that. Be honest as much as you can with children. Be positive too. Children do not need to know the story of your relationship as a couple. Keep it factual. Tell them that you believe the other parent does love them, but they don’t know how to show it. Tell them that you don’t know if they will ever meet the other parent. You have no control over that.
   
   
3. Highlight the positive: Talk with your child about the day you found out you were pregnant, or that they were going to be born. Tell them a positive story about how you felt. You can then also tell them a little bit about how their other parent felt. Maybe they were scared to become a parent as they knew it was such an important job, they worried they would not be good at it. Tell them that you said ‘I can do it’ and took on this wonderful adventure with your child.
   
   
4. Let the child lead: Sometimes at this age, children will not ask that many in-depth questions. They may be happy with some basic facts and just move on, they may not even seem that interested. That is fine, but don’t use it as an excuse to bury the issue. Answer what they asked and just what they asked. If your child wants more information, they will ask another question. But sometimes, they just need space to process the answer from one question before they come back with another.
   
   
5. Present the parent: If possible. You don’t have to talk everyday but now and again, drop in comments about the other parent. Tell the child something about the other parent that the child might like to know. Try to keep the information positive.
   
   
6. Saying nothing is something: When you don’t talk about the other parent, you may think that is good, you are not saying anything bad about them; but saying nothing about the ‘elephant in the room’ sends a negative message to children. Regularly acknowledging them or mentioning them is helpful to your child.
   
   
7. Space for feelings: If your child is curious or feels sad that their other parent is not involved, talk with them some more. Tell them about your relationship with the other parent. Tell them about things you did together and the fun you had, maybe you can do some of those things with your child.
   
   
8. Permission to talk: Giveyour child permission to talk openly about the other parent. Often at school children will ask other children about parents. Make sure they feel confident to answer the questions. Usually when a child has a solid relationship with at least one adult who loves them they are often not concerned about who maybe absent from their lives.
   
   
9. You can’t “fix” it: There are only so many things that are in your control. You can’t undo the past and you can’t control the future. Allow your child talk with you and express their feelings. Just tell them thank you for sharing how they feel with you. You don’t have to justify it or try to explain it to them. Some things just cannot be explained. Children process information by talking and asking questions, they may ask you the same question many times over, this is the nature of children. Be patient with them and help them to process their feelings and the world around them.
   
   
10. Support for you: The hardest part in talking with your child about the absent parent can be dealing with your own feelings. If you have not explored your feelings over the years and have tried to put aside any pain and heartache it caused you, then you may need to seek professional support before you talk with your child, during and after. One Family can support you with this.

    To learn more about the Family Support available, please click here. 

Christmas can be a time of great pressure for many parents, with stress negatively impacting enjoyment of the season. You can change this, by taking time to reduce stress, expenses and over-the-top traditions.

Ways to reduce Christmas stress

• Encourage children to write their letter to Santa in early November and to ask for one special gift and a surprise. It’s not helpful to children to allow them to think they can have everything they want. Remember they must share all of the gifts Santa has with other children.
  
• Once you know what your child wants, try to seek out the best price you can, as early as you can (to help Santa). Use Black Friday deals, online offers, vouchers or coupons from big supermarkets shopping and the many websites that list classified ads (such as Adverts.ie) where you can find toys at lower prices.
  
• It’s essential to spend what you can afford. Do not put yourself into debt for Christmas. All parents know that children often don’t play with half of what they get or value the extra things they didn’t ask for.
  
• Children remember more about what you do as a family at Christmas than the gifts they receive. You can focus on activities to do together that don’t cost money, such as a trip to a local park or playground or availing of seasonal activities in a local library that are usually free-of-charge, that can provide family fun without a cost.
  
• Agree with extended family members to only buy gifts for children or not at all. Children will usually get more than enough from Santa. Maybe plan a day out instead with friends and family.
  
• Alternatively, suggest a Kris Kindle so that everyone gets a gift without the costs getting so high, or agree on getting birthday presents instead throughout the year. Most people struggle with the cost of Christmas and your family will probably be delighted to hear such suggestions.
  
• Encourage family, especially grand-parents, to ask you for ideas so your child gets a gift they want. This takes the pressure off Santa.
  
• We all buy too much food at Christmas. Plan Christmas dinner and a few treats. Often the left overs do perfectly well the next day (or days!). Be realistic. Remember that the shops re-open on the 26^th; there’s no need to stock up for two weeks as we often try to.
  
• Try to enjoy the build up to Christmas. Children usually love this time of year. It’s about family and fun together, try to keep it that way. Shop as little as you can. Enjoy the atmosphere and the cosy evenings at home.

Next you might like to read our post on How To Successfully Share Parenting Over Christmas

Helpline
Our askonefamily helpline is open 10am – 3pm, Monday – Friday. We provide detailed, confidential information on social-welfare entitlements and finances, family law, housing, education, childcare and parenting.

We also offer a listening-support service for people who need help parenting alone, sharing parenting or separating. You can call the askonefamily helpline on 0818 662 212 or 01 662 9212, or email your query to 
helpline@onefamily.ie.