One Family’s Christmas guide for one-parent families

For some one-parent families, Christmas can be particularly difficult. It can be a time when painful feelings are magnified. Financial strain, complicated access arrangements, and anxiety about the pandemic and the future. For all the happiness and good that can come from Christmas, it can also be a time of enormous stress, and for some people tremendous loneliness. Images of happy faces and perfect families in media ads may not match the sadness and pain we may be feeling inside.

Becoming aware of and acknowledging the immense pressure you may be feeling during Christmas is an important step in managing this stress. Planning ahead is critical. Above all, remembering your own values and remembering what’s most important to you and your family is probably the ultimate stress buster for the season.

Some general points to consider

• Abandon perfectionism! There is no such thing as the perfect Christmas
• Plan Christmas as early as possible. You may find yourself resisting this idea, however, planning early means you can foresee any potential problems, organise your finances more effectively and ultimately lessen the stress. It may also mean that you have more time to find enjoyment in the season itself when it finally does come
• Keep things simple
• Negotiate and finalise access arrangements as early as possible. This will help avoid last minute confusion, stress and fighting
• Remember, Christmas is often not the time to challenge a person’s behaviour. Christmas is too emotionally charged. If a behaviour is tolerable and does not endanger another person’s wellbeing then it may be better to wait until the Christmas period is over
• Parents should avoid competing with each other through giving expensive presents. Expensive presents are a poor substitute for telling your child you love them and spending time with them
• Reassure your child that it is okay to talk about sad feelings at Christmas time. Acknowledging your own feelings without laying blame can be helpful to both your child and you. However, be careful not to use your child as a confidant or peer
• Try to reach out to those you trust for support
• If you’re finding it really tough try to find a little joy in each day and write it down in a journal or diary

Christmas Alone

For some members of one-parent families Christmas may be spent alone. Children may be spending their holidays with the other parent this year, or a parent may not have access to the children etc. For some people being on their own at Christmas is enjoyable and can be a time to do things that they wouldn’t normally get done. However for others, being alone at Christmas increases feelings of depression, loneliness and isolation.

If you know that you are spending Christmas alone and know that this will be difficult for you it is really important to devise a coping strategy as soon as possible. Don’t wait on the hope that someone will ask you over and don’t put off thinking about what you will do.

• Tell yourself you are worth it and prepare a special meal for yourself
• Plan each day well in advance – try to know exactly what you will be doing. A structure can be really helpful during the holidays when you have a lot of time alone
• Some people find that volunteering or getting involved in local activities can help them re-connect with other people and put meaning back into the season
• Attending a religious service or communal celebration on-line might also help to give a sense of re-connection with others
• Get out of the house and go for a walk. Many people go walking on Christmas day
• Try to avoid things that make you feel worse such as alcohol, recreational drugs, over eating
• Remind yourself that this is a difficult time and that it will pass
• Try to plan one outdoor activity each day
• Write down what you are feeling

If you are feeling really lonely, depressed and cannot find a way to reach out to others think about contacting the services below

Coping with sad or painful memories

Christmas is a time when we can become painfully aware of the losses in our lives, the people who have gone from us through bereavement, family separation, past traumas etc.  If you are trying to manage painful feelings at Christmas, here are some ideas that might help:

• Try not to hide your feelings. Try to find someone you can talk to over the holidays
• Reassure children and young people that it is okay to feel upset and encourage them to talk about how their feeling
• Identify one friend that you trust and know you can call on to talk over the holiday. Ask them to be your “listening ear” over the holiday
• Light a special candle for the person who is missing or for the painful secret or memory you’re trying to cope with. You don’t need to tell anyone the significance of the candle. Candles are an acceptable part of the Christmas décor
• Keep a diary over the holiday and really use it to write down how you are feeling
• Drink a toast to absent loved ones, name them
• It can be helpful for children to remember people who are no longer in their lives through making a special bauble for the Christmas Tree that represents them

Dealing with Conflict

Many of the worst arguments happen at Christmas. Bored children, being cooped up with relatives, the availability of alcohol, and a sense of claustrophobia, particularly following lockdown, can create an environment where tensions are high.

• Try to pre-empt possible arguments by planning access arrangements in advance
• Try to communicate in a direct, open and honest manner
• Don’t meet another person’s anger with your anger
• Respect yourself even if the other parent shows you none
• Get out for a walk with the children – tire them out
• Have a bath or take a nap to get away from everyone
• Be prepared to let some behaviours go over the Christmas period
• Be willing to compromise if necessary
• If your child complains about the other parent, try encouraging them to talk directly with that parent
• Keep adult communication directly between adults. Refuse to use your child as a go-between.

Read more about co-parenting at Christmas in this article with a contribution from One Family.

At some point, a child will ask questions about their other parent that you might be unsure how to answer. Socialising with other children and become exposed to a variety of family types, starting pre-school or primary school, or being asked to complete a school activity such as creating a family tree, can all prompt your child to ask questions about their family. Whatever way it comes, it is inevitable that your child will have curiosity about their family and parents. This can feel especially difficult in a situation where the other parent is not active or regularly present in your child’s life.

Here are our suggestions to navigate that conversation with children aged 4-8 years:

1. Create a space: Conversations need an opportunity to occur, so create one for you and your child to talk without interruption. A useful way to approach is can be through reading a book together, to introduce the topic. When you are reading about the giraffe that has no daddy, or the penguin that has no mammy, you can then start to relate this to your own child. This help your child understand the diversity of the world and can really show them that their family form is wonderful, just like any other family. Have belief and confidence in your family as a parent will support your child to know they have a great place in the world with a parent who loves them.
2. Be truthful: All children have two biological parents and it’s important to acknowledge that to your child. If you have any information that you can share with them about their other parent, do so, in a way that’s age appropriate for your child. If you have a photograph of them, you can show them that. Be honest as much as you can with children. Be positive too. Children do not need to know the story of your relationship as a couple. Keep it factual. Tell them that you believe the other parent does love them, but they don’t know how to show it. Tell them that you don’t know if they will ever meet the other parent. You have no control over that.
   
   
3. Highlight the positive: Talk with your child about the day you found out you were pregnant, or that they were going to be born. Tell them a positive story about how you felt. You can then also tell them a little bit about how their other parent felt. Maybe they were scared to become a parent as they knew it was such an important job, they worried they would not be good at it. Tell them that you said ‘I can do it’ and took on this wonderful adventure with your child.
   
   
4. Let the child lead: Sometimes at this age, children will not ask that many in-depth questions. They may be happy with some basic facts and just move on, they may not even seem that interested. That is fine, but don’t use it as an excuse to bury the issue. Answer what they asked and just what they asked. If your child wants more information, they will ask another question. But sometimes, they just need space to process the answer from one question before they come back with another.
   
   
5. Present the parent: If possible. You don’t have to talk everyday but now and again, drop in comments about the other parent. Tell the child something about the other parent that the child might like to know. Try to keep the information positive.
   
   
6. Saying nothing is something: When you don’t talk about the other parent, you may think that is good, you are not saying anything bad about them; but saying nothing about the ‘elephant in the room’ sends a negative message to children. Regularly acknowledging them or mentioning them is helpful to your child.
   
   
7. Space for feelings: If your child is curious or feels sad that their other parent is not involved, talk with them some more. Tell them about your relationship with the other parent. Tell them about things you did together and the fun you had, maybe you can do some of those things with your child.
   
   
8. Permission to talk: Giveyour child permission to talk openly about the other parent. Often at school children will ask other children about parents. Make sure they feel confident to answer the questions. Usually when a child has a solid relationship with at least one adult who loves them they are often not concerned about who maybe absent from their lives.
   
   
9. You can’t “fix” it: There are only so many things that are in your control. You can’t undo the past and you can’t control the future. Allow your child talk with you and express their feelings. Just tell them thank you for sharing how they feel with you. You don’t have to justify it or try to explain it to them. Some things just cannot be explained. Children process information by talking and asking questions, they may ask you the same question many times over, this is the nature of children. Be patient with them and help them to process their feelings and the world around them.
   
   
10. Support for you: The hardest part in talking with your child about the absent parent can be dealing with your own feelings. If you have not explored your feelings over the years and have tried to put aside any pain and heartache it caused you, then you may need to seek professional support before you talk with your child, during and after. One Family can support you with this.

    To learn more about the Family Support available, please click here. 

Children are so inquisitive. They love information. They ask constant questions as their minds are continuously processing everything they see and hear in the world around them. Children come to their parents all the time to clarify the things they don’t really understand. As parents, we want to help our children learn and understand yet sometimes when they ask an ‘awkward question’ it is tempting to gloss over it (and maybe run for the hills and hope when we get back they will have forgotten!).

There are so many issues that parents can find difficult to discuss with their children. Depending on our own experiences and beliefs, how ‘awkward’ a question is for us as individuals can vary hugely. For many parents, those awkward questions may include: “Where do babies come from? What is sex? What is gay? Why does he have two mammies? Why don’t I have a mammy? Why don’t I have a daddy? What is homeless?” By not answering awkward questions and telling children they are ‘too young’ to know such things, we are making taboos of so many subjects that are normal in our society. Children will learn quickly not to ask us anymore, and then they will in time find other sources – perhaps unreliable sources – to answer their questions. A question will not go away until your child is satisfied with the answer they find.

This week in our ’10 Ways to’ parenting tips series, we explore some strategies that as parents we can put in place to support us in answering those awkward questions that our children send our way.

1. Don’t try to fob a child off by changing the subject or saying they are too young. If they are old enough to ask, they are old enough to get some information.
2. Be honest in an age appropriate way. This does not mean you wait until they are teens to tell them things (when you may be even more embarrassed). Give children little bits of information to match what they can understand as they develop. Plant the seeds and build the tree over time with them.
3. At times a question may upset you yet this is no reason to not answer it. You may have to explain to your child that this question makes you a little sad but that you will talk with them about it. A parent absent from your child’s life is often very difficult to talk about and many parents worry that their child will feel the rejection they themselves may have experienced, but remember that children have a different relationship with and perception of an absent person in their life. They will not feel the same as you. Here we explore ways to explain an absent parent.
4. Be factual and try not to make the information about any subject into a fairy tale. Educate your child about families and all the diverse families in our society.
5. If you make any issue into a taboo when children are young, they will be less inclined to talk openly with you when they are older. Try to have an open relationship with your child from the first days. Once they start talking to you, start talking and sharing with them. Remember that even though it may seem a long time away now, you don’t know what choices your child will make as they grow up and you don’t want them to think that you may be unsupportive of them in the future.
6. Just because you explain once, that probably won’t mean that you’re off the hook. Children take pieces from each and every conversation. Some bits they recall and other bits get left behind. They will ask you again so try to be patient and answer them again. Maybe you can add in additional age appropriate detail the next time.
7. There are many excellent books out there to support parents in talking with children about almost every topic. Perhaps you can get some books in the library and introduce them during story time. Plant the seeds of knowledge and allow your child to process the information and to know they can come back to you when they need to ask more questions.
8. If your child has wrong information or understanding, such as about who their dad is or if they have the same parents as their sibling, then correct them from the first error. With many families we work with, children are growing up with step-parents having previously had a relationship as a baby with their other biological parent who separated from the family and they may have forgotten this. Try to keep the information clear, show them photos if you have them, be open and honest or you will only create more awkward situations in the future which can lead to your child losing trust in you. Always try to build your relationship based on trust.
9. At times your child’s other parent might object to you answering these awkward questions. Try to talk with them and help them to understand why it is important to answer your child’s questions honestly. Once you are sharing age appropriate information, then you need not worry.
10. Seek support from service providers such as One Family if you would you like support in talking with your child about challenging situations. Once you start to talk openly with your child and believe that you are the right person to help them understand the very complex world we live in, then it will become easier for you.

This article is part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips, and is by One Family’s Director of Children and Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly.

Next you might like to read: 10 Ways to Support Your Child’s Sex Education, 10 Ways to Explain An Absent Parent or 10 Ways to Talk To Your Child About ‘Where Do I Come From’.

Find out more about our parenting skills programmes and parent supports. For support and information on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email support@onefamily.ie.

Christmas can be a time of great pressure for many parents, with stress negatively impacting enjoyment of the season. You can change this, by taking time to reduce stress, expenses and over-the-top traditions.

Ways to reduce Christmas stress

• Encourage children to write their letter to Santa in early November and to ask for one special gift and a surprise. It’s not helpful to children to allow them to think they can have everything they want. Remember they must share all of the gifts Santa has with other children.
  
• Once you know what your child wants, try to seek out the best price you can, as early as you can (to help Santa). Use Black Friday deals, online offers, vouchers or coupons from big supermarkets shopping and the many websites that list classified ads (such as Adverts.ie) where you can find toys at lower prices.
  
• It’s essential to spend what you can afford. Do not put yourself into debt for Christmas. All parents know that children often don’t play with half of what they get or value the extra things they didn’t ask for.
  
• Children remember more about what you do as a family at Christmas than the gifts they receive. You can focus on activities to do together that don’t cost money, such as a trip to a local park or playground or availing of seasonal activities in a local library that are usually free-of-charge, that can provide family fun without a cost.
  
• Agree with extended family members to only buy gifts for children or not at all. Children will usually get more than enough from Santa. Maybe plan a day out instead with friends and family.
  
• Alternatively, suggest a Kris Kindle so that everyone gets a gift without the costs getting so high, or agree on getting birthday presents instead throughout the year. Most people struggle with the cost of Christmas and your family will probably be delighted to hear such suggestions.
  
• Encourage family, especially grand-parents, to ask you for ideas so your child gets a gift they want. This takes the pressure off Santa.
  
• We all buy too much food at Christmas. Plan Christmas dinner and a few treats. Often the left overs do perfectly well the next day (or days!). Be realistic. Remember that the shops re-open on the 26^th; there’s no need to stock up for two weeks as we often try to.
  
• Try to enjoy the build up to Christmas. Children usually love this time of year. It’s about family and fun together, try to keep it that way. Shop as little as you can. Enjoy the atmosphere and the cosy evenings at home.

Next you might like to read our post on How To Successfully Share Parenting Over Christmas

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We also offer a listening-support service for people who need help parenting alone, sharing parenting or separating. You can call the askonefamily helpline on 0818 662 212 or 01 662 9212, or email your query to 
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