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How Your Child May Feel During Separation

Whatever the circumstances, parental separation is hard on families. Whatever your child’s age, it can be challenging to know what’s going in their head during it or how they’re feeling or what is “normal”. 

You can help your child through this period of transition by learning about some common reactions and feelings children experience during separation and by ensuring your communications with them are child-centred. 

Common feelings children experience during parental separation 

  • Loyalty conflict: Children often feel like they need to “choose” one parent over the other and get caught in the middle of parental conflict. It’s important to let your child know that there is no need for them to choose a side and that that it’s okay to love both parents and want to spend time with both parents.
  • Needing reassurance about love: Although Mum or Dad might not love each other, it is important to reassure the child that they love him/her, that this hasn’t changed and never will.
  • Not wanting to visit: As they get older, children’s interests vary and the importance they place on spending time with friends or peers over their parents increases. They may not want to visit a parent, choosing instead to do something else. Although this can feel difficult or be a source of concern for the parent, it’s all a part of your child growing up. Focus on ensuring the foundation of your relationship is strong and lines of communication remain active between you.
  • Feeling responsible: Children may feel they are responsible for their parents separation. It’s important to reassure them that they are not to blame for the separation.
  • Fantasies of reconciliation: It’s a Hollywood plotline for a reason! Children may may dream up plans to get their parents to reconcile or express this as wish they would like to happen. As hard as that may be to hear at times, it can be normal part of the process. Allow your child to express this and have space around it.
  • Wondering what caused the separation: Children seek explanations for things all the time and it’s common for them to wonder why their parents don’t love each other anymore and even “blame” the parent who they think wanted the separation and make the other parent a “victim” of this. Understanding comes with time and maturity and although this can feel difficult, they want always frame the separation in this way. You can talk to them about how this is a decision that, in the long-term, will allow both parents to be happy and focus on the fact that both parents will always share the love of their child together.
  • Threats: If you do not come home, I will never speak to you again; the purpose of a statement like this is to make the parent feel guilty so that they will return home.
  • Anger: Particularly children between the ages of 8-16 years can experience intense anger. They can often be most angry with the parent they blame for separation, but they may express anger only towards the parent they view as the ‘safest’, usually the resident parent.
  • Worrying about how to tell their peers: Encourage your child to be honest about the situation. Parental separation is hugely common and there is nothing to be ashamed of.
  • Worrying about the future: The child may find it hard to envision what the future will look like and this can cause worry.  This is more likely to occur where there is parental conflict around contact and maintenance. Parents need to listen to their child’s worries and talk honestly and openly with them about any concerns.

Further Support

We provide limited direct support to both parents and children of one-parent families. This support can be requested directly by parents, for themselves or their child, and by professionals who work with one-parent families. You can find out more about this support here.


Helpline

Our askonefamily helpline is open 10am – 3pm, Monday – Friday. We provide detailed, confidential information on social-welfare entitlements and finances, family law, housing, education, childcare and parenting.We also offer a listening-support service for people who need help parenting alone, sharing parenting or separating.

You can call the askonefamily helpline on 0818 662 212 or 01 662 9212, or email your query to helpline@onefamily.ie.