Family communcation – One Family

It is so easy as a parent to get caught in the cross fire of sibling arguments. As parents there are some simple guidelines we can follow to support our children and ourselves to navigate sibling rivalry:

Never take sides. No matter what age they are or what the gap is, hear what both have to say first and then move onto the next step.

Clarify what you understand to be the issue and tell them to take steps to sort it out.

Give them a clear time line in which to do this – in the next 10 minutes, today, this week – whatever is appropriate.

If they cannot manage to resolve the issue, support them to. You are the facilitator of this issue, the mediator in a sense. Help your children identify the problem, to hear what each other think and, most importantly, feel and then ask them to offer solutions.

If they cannot cooperate in this process offer them a consequence. Tell them if they cannot agree to cooperate and find a solution then such a consequence will happen for them both. Remember – don’t take sides.

If and when they manage to resolve the issue, then praise them for doing this. If necessary ask them what they have agreed and support them to succeed in carrying out this plan.

If they can’t come up with a solution, sit them down and help them brainstorm what they can do to resolve the dispute or an ongoing issue. Get them to write down the plan if they are old enough to. Keep it very simple if they are very young.

Reward children with positive feedback when you find them playing and interacting well with each other. Often we only notice when they are arguing.

Always ensure children are safe in this process. Never leave a child at risk of harm from another. Talk with them about respect and ground rules in your family. Ensure there are no double standards in how you behave and how your children are allowed to behave.

Although you may have to support a child to be safe you should still work with each child to empower them to speak up and voice what they need to. You are not doing your child any favours by acting for them all the time. These skills they learn at home with siblings are valuable life skills they can take with them in every aspect of life.
Always try to reflect on what you are teaching all your children; the ones that speak up and the ones that stay quiet or wait for you to intervene and fix things.
Try not to be the “fix it” parent. Children can resolve their own issues, they just need your support to learn the skills and gain the confidence.

Further Support

We provide limited direct support to both parents and children of one-parent families. This support can be requested directly by parents, for themselves or their child, and by professionals who work with one-parent families. You can find out more about this support here.

Helpline

Our askonefamily helpline is open 10am – 3pm, Monday – Friday. We provide detailed, confidential information on social-welfare entitlements and finances, family law, housing, education, childcare and parenting.

We also offer a listening-support service for people who need help parenting alone, sharing parenting or separating. You can call the askonefamily helpline on 0818 662 212 or 01 662 9212, or email your query to
helpline@onefamily.ie.

Problems are a normal part of life. Many families face situations in life that, despite our best efforts, we simply can’t ‘fix’. Often there are other options we can explore and developing coping skills helps us to identify what these could be.

Good coping skills also help us to learn to accept those situations that are beyond our control so we can feel better and progress, even if the problem still exists. Developing coping skills in our families makes us more resilient.

Children learn from what they see and enabling them to develop these skills and resources will help them in countless ways as they progress through life.

Here’s our tips on developing coping skills in your family:

Do things together – eat, play, socialise – spend quality time together as much as possible to help strengthen your family’s bonds and relationships.
Talk and listen to each other; value the time you spend together.
Choose how to use your time. Prioritise what is most important, don’t stress if the little things don’t get done.
Show appreciation for each other. Demonstrate it with your words and actions.
Take care of your physical and mental needs, and those of your children. It is important to remember to look after the basics such as healthy eating, adequate sleep and social engagement.
Develop social supports in your community. This can seem challenging, especially if we don’t have friends or family members who live nearby, but there are many ways to increase our involvement in our communities and invest in building relationships. Get involved.
Actively do things which help reduce your stress levels. These can be as simple as a walk in the park, calling a friend, or focussing on taking deep, relaxing breaths.
Plan things; the everyday and the long term. Write out your plan, it will seem more manageable and help you to achieve your aims.
Don’t spend all day worrying and thinking about a problem – box it, and play with your children.
Seek professional supports and use them well. Many organisations offer these supports including One Family which provides a range of family supports focused on the needs of one-parent families, parents sharing parenting, parents experiencing separation, and their children.