Christmas doesn’t have to be a difficult time for parents who do not live together and share parenting of their child. There are, of course, things that will need to be worked out. What is most important is to do this well in advance, agreeing to solutions and a plan. Agree your plan as early as you can, to help ensure a happy, fun-filled Christmas for all members of the family, centered around your child. 

Achieving successful shared parenting over Christmas

• Start thinking it through and planning as soon as you can.
  
• Plan with your child. Talk with your child about Christmas and explore with them that it lasts for more than one day.
  
• Tell them that both you and their other parent love them and enjoy time with them at Christmas. Ask your child how they would like Christmas to look. Talk with them about the options available.
  
• Try to hear your child in this. Most parents prefer to have their child with them on Christmas Day, and in many separated families, this is not possible. See Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and St Stephen’s Day all as Christmas. You will have to agree if each year one of you has the children with them on the 25^th and the other parent has them on the 24^th or 26^th.
  
• Talk with your child’s other parent. Ask them what they hope Christmas will look like and then start to negotiate on contact. Use assertive communication skills. Try not to jump in with a no straight away to what they hope for. Think of your child’s needs and how best you can both meet them. Don’t have these discussions in front of your child.
  
• Children love Christmas – if they don’t have parents arguing over them. All the gifts in the world won’t help if your child is distressed or worried. Talk and plan in advance and avoid conflict. Give each other space to think about what the other parent wants, then talk again about your shared plans.
  
• Explain to your child what will happen and that you and the other parent will try your best to ensure they have the Christmas they hope for. Make sure your child has the information they need in advance.
  
• Children are not going to object to two Christmases. Santa can leave gifts in both homes. Santa knows, of course, that some children have two homes. Families comes in all kinds of shapes and sizes.
  
• Talk about buying the gifts early on. Both parents usually want to be involved in this. Can each of you buy your own gifts from your child’s list and agree to give them on the one day or over two days? Often children get too much on the 25^th – maybe they would appreciate receiving the gifts more spread out. Children need to share the excitement with both parents.
  
• If you think that communicating or creating a shared plan together wouldn’t be possible, One Family offer a range of family support which may be helpful to you.
  

Next you might like to read 10 Ways to Successful Shared Parenting.

Helpline

Our askonefamily helpline is open 10am – 3pm, Monday – Friday. We provide detailed, confidential information on social-welfare entitlements and finances, family law, housing, education, childcare and parenting.

We also offer a listening-support service for people who need help parenting alone, sharing parenting or separating. You can call the askonefamily helpline on 0818 662 212 or 01 662 9212, or email your query to 
helpline@onefamily.ie.

For many parents sharing parenting after separation, one parent is the ‘primary carer’ and the other spends their time with their child at weekends and holidays. Achieving successful shared parenting can feel daunting, but it is achievable. When it happens, it can minimise stress for parents and helps keep the focus on the child/children shared.

Achieving Successful Shared Parenting

• You will always be parents: no matter what happened in the adult relationship you will both still be the parents of your child. Allow each other to parent.
• Move on: get support to deal with what happened in the adult relationship and move on to a relationship which is focused on parenting your children.
• Communicate: it is not possible for you both to parent unless you work out how to both feel safe in communicating with each other.
• Parenting Agreement: work with professionals (such as our trained staff at One Family or other professional organisations) and get family support to develop a shared parenting agreement.
• Respect: each other as parents of your child. Talk positively about the other parent to your child.
• Support your child: listen to your child, support them to have a relationship with both parents. They have a right to safe contact with both parents.
• Talk: allow your child to talk about how they feel. What is life like for them? Just listen and acknowledge what they are saying and how they are feeling
• Involve family: with very young children it is hard to let them go on contact visits. Try to have friends and family support you both until you feel confident the parent can manage. They may just need experience.
• Conflict: do not get into arguments in front of your child. Don’t talk about maintenance or other issues at handover times. Plan a time to talk when the child is not present and the impact will not affect your parenting later that day.
• Keep your child at the centre: it’s your child’s contact not yours. Support them to have it and to own it. Seek professional support to help with your feelings and anxieties over contact.

In cases where there is addiction, domestic violence or other similar challenges, please seek professional support before engaging in contact. We offer a range of family support to help those in this situation, you can learn more here.