How To Explain An Absent Parent

Note: The term ‘absent parent’ refers to a parent whom a child has never met or has had very little contact with. This is different to a ‘non-resident parent’, ‘non-primary’ or ‘secondary carer’, or when parents co-parent/share parenting of their child.

Children can grow up perfectly happily and successfully in a one-parent family. What they need are quality relationships with people in their life who like to spend quality time with them, people who understand them and who can support their needs. Once you can love your child and support them, they will and can be very happy and confident in their family form.

People find themselves parenting alone through a variety of circumstances. It is natural that children will become curious about their other parent and start to ask questions about them as they grow.

This can be very difficult to deal with as a parent, especially if processing our own feelings of hurt, rejection, anger or grief. What is most important is to be prepared for questions, to be consistent, honest and straightforward, in an age-appropriate manner.

Read our top tips for helpful guidance on how to explain an absent or missing parent to your child or children.

Tips

- Starting school or crèche can be a trigger: children will usually start to ask about their absent parent once they start school and start to notice that many children have two parents. Questions can increase as they grow, especially if they are working on family trees projects in school. So try to be prepared in advance of this.

- Be brave, be honest: Tell them that yes, they have two parents. Then start to tell them a little about the other parent.

- Framing it: You can tell them that the other parent was not yet ready to be a parent, perhaps that they were scared and choose not to do it, or whatever is a truthful and age-appropriate response to explaining their absence. Reassure them that they have you and you are 100% committed to being their parent and to loving and supporting them and that will never change.

- Simple, Honest, Consistent: There is no value in painting a negative picture of the parent who is absent for many reasons and young children don’t need negative information. Keep it simple and give the basic information that they need for now. Try to answer each question they have, without providing additional information. Children process things and then might come back to ask further information. Overwhelming them with all the information isn’t helpful. So if they ask “Do I have two parents”, answer “Yes, you do” and then answer any further questions they have. Often children just need basic information. They simply need to be able to say to other children, for example, “Yes, I have a daddy and his name is Jack.” Children are curious by nature so support them with this.

- Creating connection: When the time is right, talk about any similarities the child might have to the other parent. Take out any photographs you have of the other parent or photos with both parents together, if applicable. Talk with your child about when you and their other parent loved each other or really liked each other (if that is the situation) and that you both made the child together. You can create a ‘shoe box parent’ for the child. This is a box where you can place anything which has a story about the child’s other parent. This could be photos, pictures you make together of what the parent looks like, what he or she liked to do or eat, or places you visited with them. Talk with the child about any contact the other parent had with them and make it positive for them. When children grow up they will know the full story but for now, keep it simple. Children need to identify with both parents.

- Consider contact: Give some thought to making contact with an absent parent, if it is safe to do so. Allow the other parent an opportunity to explore some form of contact. If this can’t happen, then work with your child to help them understand that maybe the other parent will be ready to be a parent some day. Often when children are very keen to meet an absent parent, it is because they feel this parent will meet a currently unmet need. This often turns out not to be the case. Help your child to identify their needs so you can try to meet them. Think about contact with extended family members of the other parent if you feel it is helpful for the child. Just because a person may not want to be a parent, that may not be the same for their family members. If possible, enable grandparents or other family members an opportunity to engage with their grandchild.

- Be Open: Always allow children to ask you many questions and talk with you. Expect that every three years or so, another round of questions will come. Be patient with your child and give them permission to talk about the absent parent and ask any questions. The more comfortable you are having the conversation, the more comfortable they will be in talking to you or confiding in you about their questions and thoughts. This can take some practice, so think or even speak-out conversations, to prepare yourself for how they might go.

- Mind Yourself: Recognise that it may feel hard to talk to your child about this and go gently on yourself. Be brave when you need to, take a deep breath and do it, and then get support for yourself afterwards. Remember that your relationship with the other parent and what you experienced is not what your child has experienced. Most children do not feel rejected by not knowing an absent parent, it is we as the parents who feel rejection.

- Get Support: If you regularly find it difficult to talk about the other parent, it’s okay to get support. Many people don’t deal with the hurt and pain of the past and find that it re-surfaces in conversations or situations with their children. Many of us benefit from professional support at some point, to let go of emotions or hurt and to move into a more positive space. This can bring great positivity for you and your child. One Family offer a variety of family supports that may be useful.

- Dealing With Complex Relationships: If you became pregnant or a lone parent through an abusive experience or relationship, ensure you get support to deal with this. You can still support your child to have a positive healthy childhood, even if the history has complexity. Children don’t need to know the circumstances of how they came to be. Talk with them about who is in their life and how much they are loved. You can explore with them what they imagine life would be like with two parents and help them further explore the negatives and positives of that life. Talk with them about how wonderful that vision is for them. Don’t try to corrode it by being negative. Tell them that you are glad they shared that with you. You can’t make it different, so just be the best parent you can be for your child.

Further Support

We provide limited direct support to both parents and children of one-parent families. This support can be requested directly by parents, for themselves or their child, and by professionals who work with one-parent families. You can find out more about this support here.

Helpline

Our askonefamily helpline is open 10am – 3pm, Monday – Friday. We provide detailed, confidential information on social-welfare entitlements and finances, family law, housing, education, childcare and parenting.We also offer a listening-support service for people who need help parenting alone, sharing parenting or separating.

You can call the askonefamily helpline on 0818 662 212 or 01 662 9212, or email your query to helpline@onefamily.ie.

Christmas doesn’t have to be a difficult time for parents who do not live together and share parenting of their child. There are, of course, things that will need to be worked out. What is most important is to do this well in advance, agreeing to solutions and a plan. Agree your plan as early as you can, to help ensure a happy, fun-filled Christmas for all members of the family, centered around your child.

Achieving successful shared parenting over Christmas

Start thinking it through and planning as soon as you can.
Plan with your child. Talk with your child about Christmas and explore with them that it lasts for more than one day.
Tell them that both you and their other parent love them and enjoy time with them at Christmas. Ask your child how they would like Christmas to look. Talk with them about the options available.
Try to hear your child in this. Most parents prefer to have their child with them on Christmas Day, and in many separated families, this is not possible. See Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and St Stephen’s Day all as Christmas. You will have to agree if each year one of you has the children with them on the 25^th and the other parent has them on the 24^th or 26^th.
Talk with your child’s other parent. Ask them what they hope Christmas will look like and then start to negotiate on contact. Use assertive communication skills. Try not to jump in with a no straight away to what they hope for. Think of your child’s needs and how best you can both meet them. Don’t have these discussions in front of your child.
Children love Christmas – if they don’t have parents arguing over them. All the gifts in the world won’t help if your child is distressed or worried. Talk and plan in advance and avoid conflict. Give each other space to think about what the other parent wants, then talk again about your shared plans.
Explain to your child what will happen and that you and the other parent will try your best to ensure they have the Christmas they hope for. Make sure your child has the information they need in advance.
Children are not going to object to two Christmases. Santa can leave gifts in both homes. Santa knows, of course, that some children have two homes. Families comes in all kinds of shapes and sizes.
Talk about buying the gifts early on. Both parents usually want to be involved in this. Can each of you buy your own gifts from your child’s list and agree to give them on the one day or over two days? Often children get too much on the 25^th – maybe they would appreciate receiving the gifts more spread out. Children need to share the excitement with both parents.
If you think that communicating or creating a shared plan together wouldn’t be possible, One Family offer a range of family support which may be helpful to you.

Next you might like to read 10 Ways to Successful Shared Parenting.

Helpline

Our askonefamily helpline is open 10am – 3pm, Monday – Friday. We provide detailed, confidential information on social-welfare entitlements and finances, family law, housing, education, childcare and parenting.

We also offer a listening-support service for people who need help parenting alone, sharing parenting or separating. You can call the askonefamily helpline on 0818 662 212 or 01 662 9212, or email your query to
helpline@onefamily.ie.

How To Tell Your Child That You're Separating

For a parent the thought of telling your children that you and their other parent are separating is incredibly hard to imagine. It’s common to feel overwhelmed and unsure of how to approach the conversation, what to tell them and what to not say.

It can feel easier to avoid having the conversation or hope that your child won’t notice the change. But it’s critical that parents talk with their children as soon as possible once a decision to separate has been made.

Even if you are still living in the home together, but have ended your romantic relationship, you should tell your child. Children are very observant and as much as you might think they do not notice that things have changed, they do.

Children will be the first to notice and feel that something is different and they need your support to understand what this change is so they are not left feeling worried, anxious, scared and upset trying to figure out a feeling or a sense they have, but without the maturity or words to understand it.

Young children need parents to sit with them and help them to understand that the family form is about to change. They need support and to be told how much they are loved and how they will remain central in their parents lives and the decisions they make.

Tips for telling your young child (aged 2-4) that you’re separating

Use imaginative play: Young children both learn things and process things through imaginative play. Sit with them as you play with dolls or figurines create two homes to play in. Introduce the concept of Mummy in one house and Daddy in the other house and then play a game of the child coming to spend time in each house. Help them to build the home, what it looks like, what they would have in each home to make it nice and safe, and a place they would like to be. What would Mummy need in her home and Daddy in his home? When the homes are built, talk with your child about what it would be like if there really were two homes and that one parent was going to live in a new house, just like in the game. Hear what your child has to say. Gently explore what they come up with.
Address the practicalities: Children will have many practical concerns at this age about living in two homes around toys, belongings etc. Remember children at this age are still very egocentric and life is all about them and their needs. Talk with them gently about how you might be able to meet those concerns for them.
Continue the conversation: It’s not about one big conversation, but lots of little ones. Keep talking about what is happening by using story books and art work. Draw images of family and home as you know it now and then again introduce two homes and what would they look like. Use imaginative play to create the two homes again and encourage your child to play the game over and over so they can process how this might all work for them. Playing this game with your young child will help you as a parent to understand what their needs are, what they are worried about and what you as their parent need to do in order to support them through this major family and life change.
Be honest: Always be honest with children, in an age appropriate way. Just answer the question that they ask, as honestly as your can, in the simplest way that you can. Don’t offer up additional information, just focus on answering the specific question they asked. Children will process and then return to you with more questions as they have them.
Don’t blame: Do not tell children one parent is to blame for the separation, even if you feel this is the truth. There is nothing positive that will be achieved for your child by doing this. This can feel difficult, especially during the first phases of a separation, so it’s critical that if you think you need support with this, you seek it. One Family provide a range of supports to families that may be useful.
Stop the conflict: If conflict formed a regular part of life leading up to the separation, you need to seek professional support around how to learn to communicate more effectively with each other. Children do not suffer negatively because of family separation but they do with prolonged chronic parental conflict. One Family have a range of online parenting courses which can help parents with this.
Parental presence: If one of the parents is leaving the family home, ensure that your child can see the other parent often and frequently, if possible. Children need constant reassurance during the early stages of separation that both parents are there for them and they need to see each parent to know they are okay.
Self-care: Separation can be exhausting, both emotionally and practically. It’s important to look after yourself and take moments when you can to mind your wellbeing. Exercise, meditation or watching your favourite TV show uninterrupted can all be helpful activities which top-up your resilience. Lean on friends and family for support or engage in therapy to help you process your feelings around the end of your relationship. This can be a challenging time and it can feel even harder when you are trying to build a positive parenting relationship with the other parent. Be kind to yourself.
Create your own shared parenting plan: Every family is unique and therefore the shared parenting plan should be unique to your family, ensuring your child’s needs are met within it. Try not to listen to what others have done or what you think the norm is. All plans will need to be adjusted over time as children grow and life changes and this should be expected and supported.

Tips for telling your child (aged 5-9) that you’re separating

Children of this age are a little wiser to the world. They are in school and they understand more clearly that children all have parents or carers. They will at this stage have a long enough history of living with both of their parents to really value what that offers to them.

Children of this age notice everything and are sensitive to change.

In their own lives they are managing so much in school as they engage with the community there, with extracurricular activities and the larger community. Introducing a family change can be very hard for them as they feel it emotionally more so than their younger counter parts as they are starting to understand emotions and how they feel and they can in many ways express it more clearly to us as parents.

Tell your child together: At this age group it is best for both parents to sit the children down together and tell them, for example, ‘Mummy and Daddy no longer want to live in the same house. You may have noticed we fight more than we should and we don’t think this is the best way for our family to be. We have decided that we are going to have two homes and live separately where you will live with us.’ It is really important to be clear with the children, do not leave them confused in the message you give to them. On the day you share this news with your child, try to ensure both parents can be around for them for the remainder of the day. Do something nurturing with them, reading a story, bath time, art work. Allow them time to go away and play and to find you again for more questions or a cuddle. Children will need a lot of reassurance that both parents still love them and will be there for them.
Be clear, direct, honest: Be very clear and direct with this age group, do not tell them false truths. Try to have as much practical information as you can to give them and reenforce how you both love your child and always will, that will never change.
No blame games: Do not blame one parent for the separation. Children love parents equally regardless of what either of you might do. They are loyal to both parents, so do not ask them to take sides, as in the long run you will create emotional turmoil for them. The details of why the separation happened are for you as parents to figure out; it is your intimate relationship. While you need to be honest with your children about what is happening, you don’t need to give them the explicit reasons why. Even though you are separating, you are still parenting together and you want to build a positive relationship to do that and both have active role in parenting, and continuing to parent, your child.
Encourage questions: It’s normal that children have lots of questions and queries. Create a space that enables them to ask these, without fear of upsetting you. It’s important that you are a calm emotional space for your children to allow their feelings spill out to. It’s normal for children to feel shocked, sad, upset, angry or confused. But feelings come and feelings go and as they adjust to the “new normal”, feelings won’t feel as intense.
Prepare them before moving: If one of you is moving out of the family home, talk with your child about how two homes is going to happen. Do not allow them to witness a situation where one parent packs and says goodbye. This is heartbreaking for children to see a parent walk out the door, the sense of abandonment and hurt can be felt for many years. Prepare them as much as you can in advance about the parent who is leaving, show them where you are going to be staying, have them over to visit or stay overnight, if it’s possible.
Involve your child in the plans: Plan with your child, as much as you may not want to, around the next steps. Allow them be involved in making the changes as this will support them to understand it more clearly. By understanding what is happening they will develop the language to talk about it with you and with others.
Encourage openness: Support children to know the separation is not a secret. They can tell their close friends if they wish to and talk to relatives about it. As parents it is really important to tell the school. Schools will notice a change in your child and they need to understand the background. This will also allow the school to be more sensitive to the issue in class work and activities.
Talking and listening: Create plenty of opportunity for your child to talk about what is happening. Do not try to justify the changes or fix them. Just listen and tell your childr you are happy they can talk about what worries them with you. As two parents separating, you need to take this on board when arranging a shared parenting agreement, keeping your child central to the decisions you make going forward.

Tips for telling your child (aged 10-14+) that you are separating

Children of this age can be very mature and portray an image that they can cope with a lot more than their age would suggest.

However, they are still children and will need a lot of support to understand and cope with family separation.

At this age children are at a critical stage of change in their own development so adding a family change can bring great turmoil for them. This age group are very concerned with what others think and know about them. They may fear bullying, whispering and others talking about their family.

Children of this age could be acutely aware that the parental relationship was not working well, that there was conflict or unhappiness; however they may also have no other experience of family life, so accept this is family life. They may be relieved that the conflict will end with the separation if the parents can manage to agree how to share parenting and move forward, unfortunately many parents do not stop the conflict at separation. Children can become very confused as to the benefit of the separation for anyone.

Tell them together: Both parents should sit down with your child and tell them very clearly that you have decided to separate. Children may walk away when you tell them this, overwhelmed with emotion and unable to talk or ask questions. It is important for parents to be available to them for the remainder of the day, even if they don’t want to speak. This demonstrates togetherness in your parenting and your shared love for your child, even though your intimate relationship has ended.
Encourage questions: Allow your children to ask questions. Many will be about their own needs or what may happen to them. Children will worry about change and who will notice the change. They may worry about how their life will change, from the the practical to the emotional. Try answers their questions as honestly as you can, providing reassurance and security.
Demonstrate togetherness: It is important as two parents to reassure your children you are going to work with each other to find the best solutions to all of these worries as you both love your children and want the best for them. Try not to make promises at this time until you have both talked and agreed what the plan will be. Focus on the high-level things; you both love your child and want what’s best for your child and will together to achieve this.
Don’t share intimate details: If a partner is not a good partner, it doesn’t mean they’re not a good parent. Your child only has two parents and loves you both equally, it’s important that you don’t try to damage (intentionally or not) with their other parent. They do not need to know what happened to cause the relationship to break down. The relationship they have with you as their parent is very separate to the one you have with their other parent.
Plan the new normal: Plan with your children how the two homes will be created and how and when one parent will leave. Children will remember this event for life so try to ensure you are not adding to the grief they will feel by the way you carry this out. As much as you may resent the other parent, remember if you have decided to separate it is now about the business of sharing parenting and putting the children first.

Further Support
We provide limited direct support to both parents and children of one-parent families. This support can be requested directly by parents, for themselves or their child, and by professionals who work with one-parent families. You can find out more about this support here.
Helpline
Our askonefamily helpline is open 10am – 3pm, Monday – Friday. We provide detailed, confidential information on social-welfare entitlements and finances, family law, housing, education, childcare and parenting.We also offer a listening-support service for people who need help parenting alone, sharing parenting or separating.
You can call the askonefamily helpline on 0818 662 212 or 01 662 9212, or email your query to helpline@onefamily.ie.

How Your Child May Feel During Separation

Whatever the circumstances, parental separation is hard on families. Whatever your child’s age, it can be challenging to know what’s going in their head during it or how they’re feeling or what is “normal”.

You can help your child through this period of transition by learning about some common reactions and feelings children experience during separation and by ensuring your communications with them are child-centred.

Common feelings children experience during parental separation

Loyalty conflict: Children often feel like they need to “choose” one parent over the other and get caught in the middle of parental conflict. It’s important to let your child know that there is no need for them to choose a side and that that it’s okay to love both parents and want to spend time with both parents.
Needing reassurance about love: Although Mum or Dad might not love each other, it is important to reassure the child that they love him/her, that this hasn’t changed and never will.
Not wanting to visit: As they get older, children’s interests vary and the importance they place on spending time with friends or peers over their parents increases. They may not want to visit a parent, choosing instead to do something else. Although this can feel difficult or be a source of concern for the parent, it’s all a part of your child growing up. Focus on ensuring the foundation of your relationship is strong and lines of communication remain active between you.
Feeling responsible: Children may feel they are responsible for their parents separation. It’s important to reassure them that they are not to blame for the separation.
Fantasies of reconciliation: It’s a Hollywood plotline for a reason! Children may may dream up plans to get their parents to reconcile or express this as wish they would like to happen. As hard as that may be to hear at times, it can be normal part of the process. Allow your child to express this and have space around it.
Wondering what caused the separation: Children seek explanations for things all the time and it’s common for them to wonder why their parents don’t love each other anymore and even “blame” the parent who they think wanted the separation and make the other parent a “victim” of this. Understanding comes with time and maturity and although this can feel difficult, they want always frame the separation in this way. You can talk to them about how this is a decision that, in the long-term, will allow both parents to be happy and focus on the fact that both parents will always share the love of their child together.
Threats: If you do not come home, I will never speak to you again; the purpose of a statement like this is to make the parent feel guilty so that they will return home.
Anger: Particularly children between the ages of 8-16 years can experience intense anger. They can often be most angry with the parent they blame for separation, but they may express anger only towards the parent they view as the ‘safest’, usually the resident parent.
Worrying about how to tell their peers: Encourage your child to be honest about the situation. Parental separation is hugely common and there is nothing to be ashamed of.
Worrying about the future: The child may find it hard to envision what the future will look like and this can cause worry. This is more likely to occur where there is parental conflict around contact and maintenance. Parents need to listen to their child’s worries and talk honestly and openly with them about any concerns.

Further Support

Helpline

You can call the askonefamily helpline on 0818 662 212 or 01 662 9212, or email your query to helpline@onefamily.ie.

It is so easy as a parent to get caught in the cross fire of sibling arguments. As parents there are some simple guidelines we can follow to support our children and ourselves to navigate sibling rivalry:

Never take sides. No matter what age they are or what the gap is, hear what both have to say first and then move onto the next step.

Clarify what you understand to be the issue and tell them to take steps to sort it out.

Give them a clear time line in which to do this – in the next 10 minutes, today, this week – whatever is appropriate.

If they cannot manage to resolve the issue, support them to. You are the facilitator of this issue, the mediator in a sense. Help your children identify the problem, to hear what each other think and, most importantly, feel and then ask them to offer solutions.

If they cannot cooperate in this process offer them a consequence. Tell them if they cannot agree to cooperate and find a solution then such a consequence will happen for them both. Remember – don’t take sides.

If and when they manage to resolve the issue, then praise them for doing this. If necessary ask them what they have agreed and support them to succeed in carrying out this plan.

If they can’t come up with a solution, sit them down and help them brainstorm what they can do to resolve the dispute or an ongoing issue. Get them to write down the plan if they are old enough to. Keep it very simple if they are very young.

Reward children with positive feedback when you find them playing and interacting well with each other. Often we only notice when they are arguing.

Always ensure children are safe in this process. Never leave a child at risk of harm from another. Talk with them about respect and ground rules in your family. Ensure there are no double standards in how you behave and how your children are allowed to behave.

Although you may have to support a child to be safe you should still work with each child to empower them to speak up and voice what they need to. You are not doing your child any favours by acting for them all the time. These skills they learn at home with siblings are valuable life skills they can take with them in every aspect of life.
Always try to reflect on what you are teaching all your children; the ones that speak up and the ones that stay quiet or wait for you to intervene and fix things.
Try not to be the “fix it” parent. Children can resolve their own issues, they just need your support to learn the skills and gain the confidence.

Further Support

We provide limited direct support to both parents and children of one-parent families. This support can be requested directly by parents, for themselves or their child, and by professionals who work with one-parent families. You can find out more about this support here.

Helpline

How To Support Grandparents' Relationship With Your Child

Everyone who is a parent can benefit from family support. Grandparents can be a wonderful source of strength and knowledge, especially to a mum or dad parenting on their own. It’s not always possible for a parent and their child to have a Grandparent in their lives for a variety of reasons, but when it is, this is a relationship to be nurtured as it can be of great influence on a child.

Invite grandparents into your child’s life: They have a lot to offer, things you may not be able to imagine. Children like to know who they are and where they come from. grandparents can offer a lot of history to children and support them to understand their identity.
Be open: Even if you don’t have a relationship with your child’s other parent, grandparents of your child’s other parent can still be part of your child’s life. Many grandparents seek court ordered contact now around this. Others don’t know what to do when couples separate. Explore this with them. Children have a right to contact with family unless it presents any danger to them.
Allow them to be grandparents, not a co-parent: Support grandparents to be grandparents. Don’t expect them to take on too much. They have been parents in the past and now they have other challenges and avenues to explore. They can have a present role in your child’s life without boundaries into parenting being crossed.
Make allowances: Allow grandparents some freedom with treats, TV time, etc. This is what grandparents do!
Express thanks: Acknowledge what grandparents do for you and your child. Don’t take it for granted. They are not duty bound to support you to parent. Appreciate whatever they do.
Keep it kind: Do not talk badly about grandparents in front of children, even if you’ve had or have your own relationship difficulties. They are doing their best. Children will respect others in the way you model for them.
Communicate: Talk with grandparents about issues you may have with them. Agree how they can support you to manage your child’s behaviour in a that way everyone is happy, especially the child.
Support the relationship: Encourage a good relationship with grandparents. Support them to enjoy being with the children, maybe one at a time to build up relationships.
Don’t rely on them for everything: Just because you ask for support you may not get it or perhaps not in the form you had hoped. Have other support systems in place and don’t expect too much from one source.
Be confident in your own parenting: You can hear the words of wisdom grandparents may wish to offer you. Remember that although you are the authority on your own parenting, to thank grandparents for their thoughts, to consider their suggestions and to make your own choices as a parent.

Further Support
We provide limited direct support to both parents and children of one-parent families. This support can be requested directly by parents, for themselves or their child, and by professionals who work with one-parent families. You can find out more about this support here.
Helpline
Our askonefamily helpline is open 10am – 3pm, Monday – Friday. We provide detailed, confidential information on social-welfare entitlements and finances, family law, housing, education, childcare and parenting.We also offer a listening-support service for people who need help parenting alone, sharing parenting or separating.
You can call the askonefamily helpline on 0818 662 212 or 01 662 9212, or email your query to helpline@onefamily.ie.

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Problems are a normal part of life. Many families face situations in life that, despite our best efforts, we simply can’t ‘fix’. Often there are other options we can explore and developing coping skills helps us to identify what these could be.

Good coping skills also help us to learn to accept those situations that are beyond our control so we can feel better and progress, even if the problem still exists. Developing coping skills in our families makes us more resilient.

Children learn from what they see and enabling them to develop these skills and resources will help them in countless ways as they progress through life.

Here’s our tips on developing coping skills in your family:

Do things together – eat, play, socialise – spend quality time together as much as possible to help strengthen your family’s bonds and relationships.
Talk and listen to each other; value the time you spend together.
Choose how to use your time. Prioritise what is most important, don’t stress if the little things don’t get done.
Show appreciation for each other. Demonstrate it with your words and actions.
Take care of your physical and mental needs, and those of your children. It is important to remember to look after the basics such as healthy eating, adequate sleep and social engagement.
Develop social supports in your community. This can seem challenging, especially if we don’t have friends or family members who live nearby, but there are many ways to increase our involvement in our communities and invest in building relationships. Get involved.
Actively do things which help reduce your stress levels. These can be as simple as a walk in the park, calling a friend, or focussing on taking deep, relaxing breaths.
Plan things; the everyday and the long term. Write out your plan, it will seem more manageable and help you to achieve your aims.
Don’t spend all day worrying and thinking about a problem – box it, and play with your children.
Seek professional supports and use them well. Many organisations offer these supports including One Family which provides a range of family supports focused on the needs of one-parent families, parents sharing parenting, parents experiencing separation, and their children.

Further Support

Helpline

How To Be An Assertive Communicator

Assertiveness is a wonderful quality to have, and as long as you know how to use it properly it can be help you be direct and clear in your communication with others, particularly your children.

Assertiveness is an approach that helps you to be direct, honest and respectful in expressing your feelings, wants, needs and opinions.

You should always be respectful of others and yourself when being assertive.
Being assertive should not mean being aggressive.
Use clear and direct communication instead of unclear or indirect communication.
Be more confident about how you say things and how you get your message across.
Assertiveness will help your children learn how to be assertive and help a family to be positive and have shared values.
Remember you are making requests, not demands. Expect yes and no answers.
Be ready to negotiate and compromise with others, including children.
Be very specific with children in particular about what you need them to do. ‘I need you to tidy your room’ is too vague. Indicate certain areas of the room: ‘I need you to tidy your dolls today’ and explain what that should look like.
Learn to say no and explain why it is a ‘No.’ The ‘No’ is about you safeguarding yourself as opposed to blocking another person: ‘No, you cannot walk alone to the shops, I need you to be safe and I need to hold your hand to ensure this.’

Further Support

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All families experience problems at some time. No matter how strong a family unit is or how positive our relationships, siblings will still argue, parents may be stressed over finances, bedtime routines may be difficult to establish. The demands of daily life can be challenging and problems can easily arise.

If a recurring problem is not addressed, over time it can become a major issue and affect the quality of life and relationships at home for every member of the family. It is essential to recognise and address problems to help prevent this happening.

Here are some tips on solving problems, together, as a family:

Name the issue, identify the problem. Work on the easier issues first of all. Working out the smaller stuff gives you the confidence to address the bigger issues.

Try to figure out how strongly everyone feels on the issue at hand by asking, on a scale of 1 to 10, how strongly do you feel about your point? 1 is not very strong and 10 is very strong.

Do not attempt to start talking about a solution until you can truly re-state each person’s point to their satisfaction and understand it, and have established what, if any, common ground there is.

Communicate about the problem with each other using the four-step method for clear and direct communication:
Observations | Be factual. Don’t judge or evaluate. State the problem clearly.

Feelings | Talk about what this observation makes you feel. Ask other family members what their feelings are about it.

Needs | Talk about the needs that cause these feelings.

Requests | Be clear, ask for – not demand – what you want. Other family members should have the option to say no and come up with alternatives.

Come up with some solutions – ask everyone in the family for them:
Select a solution.
Act on the solution. Divide out responsibility amongst the members of the family.

Appoint someone to monitor the action. For less serious issues, children can be responsible monitors too.

Evaluate the whole thing, and within a reasonable time, ask if the solution is working? If not, pick another one to try. Talk about what you all learnt from the situation.

Remember that is not your job as the parent to ‘fix’ life. Empower your children to make decisions and be responsible.

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It’s not always easy for parents, especially those parenting alone and/or with little expendable income, to feel they can establish or maintain connection with other parents/peers. This connection is an important part of having good self-esteem and enables parents to support this development in their children. It can also be a support for you on your own parenting journey. Here are our tips on how to connect with other parents:

Visit the local playground or park regularly and talk to other parents.
Make play dates with your friends and their children or your child’s friends from school. These can take place at the park or playground if it’s not possible to have them to your home.
Join a club, hobby group or walking group. Eventbrite has lots of free, local activities you can try, as do local libraries.
Join a playgroup or baby massage class. One Family run a free Stay & Play group and Baby Massage class, you can find more information on them here.
Volunteer in your community or local school on the Parent’s Council
Spend time with family when possible
Use social media, wisely, to keep connected. As well as your own social media profiles, there are many online communities established for parents, and you might also like to connect with One Family on Instagram, Facebook or LinkedIn.

For many parents sharing parenting after separation, one parent is the ‘primary carer’ and the other spends their time with their child at weekends and holidays. Achieving successful shared parenting can feel daunting, but it is achievable. When it happens, it can minimise stress for parents and helps keep the focus on the child/children shared.

Achieving Successful Shared Parenting

You will always be parents: no matter what happened in the adult relationship you will both still be the parents of your child. Allow each other to parent.
Move on: get support to deal with what happened in the adult relationship and move on to a relationship which is focused on parenting your children.
Communicate: it is not possible for you both to parent unless you work out how to both feel safe in communicating with each other.
Parenting Agreement: work with professionals (such as our trained staff at One Family or other professional organisations) and get family support to develop a shared parenting agreement.
Respect: each other as parents of your child. Talk positively about the other parent to your child.
Support your child: listen to your child, support them to have a relationship with both parents. They have a right to safe contact with both parents.
Talk: allow your child to talk about how they feel. What is life like for them? Just listen and acknowledge what they are saying and how they are feeling
Involve family: with very young children it is hard to let them go on contact visits. Try to have friends and family support you both until you feel confident the parent can manage. They may just need experience.
Conflict: do not get into arguments in front of your child. Don’t talk about maintenance or other issues at handover times. Plan a time to talk when the child is not present and the impact will not affect your parenting later that day.
Keep your child at the centre: it’s your child’s contact not yours. Support them to have it and to own it. Seek professional support to help with your feelings and anxieties over contact.

In cases where there is addiction, domestic violence or other similar challenges, please seek professional support before engaging in contact. We offer a range of family support to help those in this situation, you can learn more here.

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Parenting Teenagers: Maintaining Communication

This can be a challenging time for parents and children to maintain good relations and communication. It’s important that the relationship is maintained and lines of communication are kept open on both sides, so that this new period can be navigated in a healthy, supportive way. Here are some tips to achieve this:

Talk with them: Talking to your teenager, not at them, is the key to good communication.
Listen: Listen to what they have to say and ask questions to help you understand their thinking. Sometimes you need to just accept that they see things differently to you.
Empower them: Help your teen find their own solutions to their issues. Don’t give so much advice, let them think it out.
Let them make mistakes: We all learn from making mistakes. Stop trying to make the world perfect for your teen, they need space to learn. You can be there to support them when times are hard.
Share with them: You may hate watching The Kardashians or football on TV, but if your teenager loves them then make the effort to sit and watch it with them. This can be a bonding experience and you will get great insight into how their mind works by doing this.
Make dates: Life is busy as a teen. Make a date with your teenager to do something together and don’t break it, keep it as a regular event. It can be as simple as cooking dinner together, watching a TV show or movie or trying to play a video game with them.
Forget about their bedroom: Most teens can cause havoc in homes over untidy bedrooms. Try setting some rules that washing must be placed in the wash basket and dishes and food all brought to the kitchen. After that, forget it. Public spaces within the home must be respected by all but allow them keep their room as they like it.
Like their friends: and boyfriends/girlfriends. You may not particularly like another teen but try to get to know them and be respectful of them. It’s better to have your teenager hanging out in your home than their friends as then you can know more about what’s going on.
Taxi time: It’s horrid but has to be done. It’s only for a few years but it’s necessary. At least if you bring your teen somewhere and collect them you may have more peace of mind than worrying who they are getting lifts with.
They are teens not babies: Teens from 12 years old onwards want to be treated as young adults – with the exception of when they are sick or tired and want to be babied again. Give them responsibilities, trust them and expect them to follow rules. Don’t judge them too quickly as they are only learning.