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10 Ways to Make Positive Parenting Changes

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Life often throws obstacles our way. Maybe you have had a tough year in 2014 and can recall more things that went badly than those that went well.  It happens to all of us at some time in our lives. Whether you feel this past year has been good or bad, this time as we transition into a new year can be the ideal time to take stock. It’s a good time to look back over the previous twelve months in a productive manner, with a view to making positive changes for your family in 2015. Give  yourself some quiet time to sit down with a notebook and pen, think about our suggestions below, and make your parenting plan for the brand new year ahead.

  1. Make a list of the top three things you love about your children.
  2. Make a list of the top three issues you can deal with well around parenting.
  3. Now that you are hopefully feeling a little more positive that things are never as bad as they seem, think about the things you need to make changes around.
  4. Name five areas of your parenting that you would like to change in the coming year. Write this plan into a nice diary or notebook that you will keep close with you all year. Or make a little poster and pin it up in your home to remind you of the goals you are setting for 2015.
  5. Start with introducing family meetings. If you don’t do this already then the time has come. As a parent your key role is to facilitate harmony in your home.  You cannot do this without everyone getting on board. Talk with your children about the idea of family meetings. Everyone gets to talk and be heard.  It’s a time for planning and sharing and most importantly solving issues. Have a family meeting book, use a notebook which will last the year and keep note each week of the meeting, the issues and the plan. This can make such a drastic change in families, you really should try it. When everyone is planning together and each family member feels they are being heard, then the plan is more likely to work. If it is your plan alone, you can bin it as it most likely will not work. Check out our 10 Ways to Run a Family Meeting for more information.
  6. Next you need to think about self-care. All parents need to make and value some time for themselves. This is especially valuable for anyone parenting on their own as no one else can do this for you so it’s important to acknowledge this and plan your own self-care. Without looking after yourself and meeting your own needs, you will not be able to continuously meet the needs of your family. Make a plan now of when you will get time out each week. What are your 3 top needs for this year? Name them and start planning. There is most often a simple way of meeting needs, but you have to be creative and positive that it is possible. Now write them up clearly and promise yourself that you deserve this time for you and your children will be much happier as a result. Happy Parents, Happy Home.
  7. Spend a week looking at you, at how you engage with your children. Is the picture one you like? If not then plan a change. Can you listen more and talk less? Can you ask for their story and not always tell yours? Can you empower your children to resolve their own issues instead of always trying to fix them for them? Can you put yourself in their shoes, what is life like for them? Can you talk with them and not at them? Can you see yourselves as team members who need to work together, cooperate with each other to get things done and needs met? Are the rules fair? Who made them? Is it time to review them? How many chances do you give? If the answer is more than one, then it’s time to think again. Talk with your child about choices, they choose to behave in certain ways, as do you, and we all face consequences. Are the consequences fair and does everyone face them?
  8. Think about your child’s other parent. What does it mean to your children to have two parents? Is your child’s other parent currently involved in parenting? What is your relationship like with the other parent? If there is room for improvement then try to make a change. Explore your style of communication and look at your role in any conflict. You can’t change your child’s other parent, you can only make changes for you, however positive changes often have ripple effects on others. For more suggestions, read 10 Ways to Explain an Absent Parent, 10 Ways to Successful Shared Parenting and 10 Ways to Positively Maintain Contact.
  9. Remember to contact One Family if you would like parenting support. We offer a variety of online information, one-to-one-supports, and parenting courses including a new online parenting support course starting this Spring. Click here to find out more. Maybe these supports are what you need to help you as you make positive change happen.
  10. You can also call or email our askonefamily helpline to talk about what is challenging you when starting into this new year ahead. You have the answers already, but you may need some support to dig them out.

mum and son playingThis article is part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips, and is by One Family’s Director of Children and Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly. Next week we examine how to put routines into place.

LIVE Facebook Q&A with Geraldine on Monday 5th January from 11am-12pm on One Family’s Facebook page. Join in and post your question.

Find out more about our parenting skills programmes and parent supports. For support and advice on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email support@onefamily.ie.

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One-Parent Family Helpline Calls Increase by 30% in 2014

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Press Release

One-Parent Family Helpline Calls Increase by 30% in 2014

Families Just One Bill Away from Disaster

www.onefamily.ie

(Dublin, Monday 22 December 2014) One Family – Ireland’s organisation for people parenting alone and sharing parenting – has recorded a staggering 30% increase in first time callers to its askonefamily helpline to date in 2014, with a marked increase in calls from working parents precariously balanced on the verge of homelessness or newly experiencing separation.

Karen Kiernan, One Family CEO, comments: “The continued poverty of one-parent families in Ireland today is simply not acceptable. We are hearing from parents who are living on a knife edge; worried constantly about the basics such as food, heating and keeping a roof over their children’s heads. We have heard from parents who themselves do not eat an evening meal so that their children can, and from those needing to attend local food banks for the first time; mothers who get up at 5am to avail of reduced rate electricity to iron their children’s school uniforms; fathers who ration a bag of coal – often their only source of heating – into daily allowances. Many hundreds of families are living under the constant threat of homelessness, just one bill away from disaster. They survive week to week and planning for the future is a luxury they do not have.”

“The majority of these new askonefamily callers are working lone parents, low or middle income earners. While 53% of people parenting alone are in the labour market, one-parent families consistently have the lowest disposable income out of all households in the state and experience the highest rates of deprivation,” Karen continues. “Government’s activation measures from Budget 2012 are now being phased in with over 39,000 lone parents being moved to Jobs Seekers Transitional next year. They will no longer be eligible for the One-Parent Family Payment. Owing to their parenting responsibilities, many lone parents with young children must opt for part-time work but now we are hearing from many that they will no longer be able to afford to work. For a lone parent doing all he or she can to make a difference for their family, in an economy that we are hearing every day is now out of recession – and in this 20th anniversary year of UN International Year of the Family – this is shocking.”

One Family’s askonefamily helpline is also hearing more from parents who are now experiencing separation. Most tell us that years of stress and worry about household finances, combined with a lack of or reduced employment and income, have contributed to the end of their relationship. These families need specialist supports to enable them to separate well, establish shared parenting plans and keep their children at the centre of parenting. One Family offers relevant supports but Government needs to ensure accessibility in all parts of the country to appropriate services.

As evidenced by this increase of callers to askonefamily, the real impact of years of austerity is only now truly coming to the fore.  Many one-parent families who were already living in consistent poverty are now barely managing to keep their family homed. More and more couples are separating, creating new one-parent or shared parenting families. Yet one-parent families in working poverty and parents sharing parenting of their children have borne the brunt of spending cuts such as the changes to the Single Person Child Carer Tax Credit last year, and the ill-formed re-activation measures flagged in Budget 2012.

Government must recognise and respond to this reality for so many of Ireland’s families. One Family reiterates its call to Government to enact its 10 Solutions campaign, with an immediate focus on provision of long-promised, affordable and accessible quality local childcare.  Every parent should have an equal opportunity to create a better future for his or her children, and all children deserve that.

For further information on One Family’s 10 Solutions, click here.

The askonefamily helpline can be contacted on lo call 1890 66 22 12 or by email to support@onefamily.ie.

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About One Family

One Family was founded in 1972 as Cherish and is Ireland’s leading organisation for one-parent families offering support, information and services to all members of all one-parent families, to those sharing parenting, to those experiencing an unplanned pregnancy and to professionals working with one-parent families. Children are at the centre of One Family’s work and the organisation helps all the adults in their lives, including mums, dads, grandparents, step-parents, new partners and other siblings, offering a holistic model of specialist family support services. These services include the lo-call askonefamily national helpline on 1890 62 22 12, counselling, and provision of training courses for parents and for professionals. One Family also promotes Family Day and presents the Family Day Festival every May, an annual celebration of the diversity of families in Ireland today (www.familyday.ie). For further information, visit www.onefamily.ie.

Available for Interview

Karen Kiernan, CEO | t: 01 662 9212 or 086 850 9191

Further Information/Scheduling

Shirley Chance, Director of Communications | t: 01 664 0124 / e: schance@onefamily.ie

 

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10 Ways to Address Sibling Rivalry

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Girls sledding-250x250It is so easy as a parent to get caught in the cross fire of sibling arguments.  As parents there are some simple guidelines we can follow to support our children to sort it out. As part of our weekly parenting tips series, here are our ’10 Ways to Address Sibling Rivalry’.

  1. Never take sides.  No matter what age they are or what the gap is, hear what both have to say first and then move onto the next step.
  2. Clarify what you understand to be the issue and tell them to take steps to sort it out.
  3. Give them a clear time line in which to do this – in the next 10 minutes, today, this week – whatever is appropriate.
  4. If they cannot manage to resolve the issue, support them to.  You are the facilitator of this issue, the mediator in a sense. Help your children identify the problem, to hear what each other think and, most importantly, feel and then ask them to offer solutions.
  5. If they cannot cooperate in this process offer them a consequence. Tell them if they cannot agree to cooperate and find a solution then such a consequence will happen for them both. Remember – don’t take sides.
  6. If and when they manage to resolve the issue, then praise them for doing this.  If necessary ask them what they have agreed and support them to succeed in carrying out this plan.
  7. If they can’t come up with a solution, sit them down and help them brainstorm what they can do to resolve the dispute or an ongoing issue. Get them to write down the plan if they are old enough to. Keep it very simple if they are very young.
  8. Reward children with positive feedback when you find them playing and interacting well with each other. Often we only notice when they are arguing.
  9. Always ensure children are safe in this process. Never leave a child at risk of harm from another. Talk with them about respect and ground rules in your family. Ensure there are no double standards in how you behave and how your children are allowed to behave.
  10. Although you may have to support a child to be safe you should still work with each child to empower them to speak up and voice what they need to.  You are not doing your child any favours by acting for them all the time.  These skills they learn at home with siblings are valuable life skills they can take with them in every aspect of life.  Always try to reflect on what you are teaching all your children; the ones that speak up and the ones that stay quiet or wait for you to intervene and fix things. Try not to be the “fix it” parent.  Children can resolve their own issues, they just need your support to learn the skills and gain the confidence.

Next you might like to read 10 Ways to Run a Family Meeting.

This article is part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips, and is by One Family’s Director of Children and Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly. Coming soon:  10 Ways to Make Positive Parenting Changes.

LIVE Facebook Q&A with Geraldine on this topic  on Monday 5 January from 11am-12pm on One Family’s Facebook page. Join in and post your question.

Find out more about our parenting skills programmes and parent supports. For support and advice on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email support@onefamily.ie.

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10 Ways to Nurture Your Role as a Stepparent

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HandsThis week as part of our ongoing ’10 Ways to’ parenting tips series, we explore stepparenting. Television shows like The Brady Bunch or Modern Family might make it seem as though it’s pretty much all plain sailing but this is usually not the case. Being a stepparent can be a very difficult role within the family. The level of complexity it brings to the family and the individual is often underestimated by every family member. However, with patience and commitment, the rewards can be immense. Read on for our advice for stepparents on this important role.

  1. If you are the stepparent, talk with your partner about parenting. Understand very clearly how they parent and why they do it this way. Before you can actively start to support the parenting of their children, you need to agree together on the style of parenting which is comfortable for you both.
  2. Talk with your partner about his/her children and the role s/he wants as a parent of them. It is very important to accept that children are not going anywhere; can you have a relationship with your partner and his/her children, are you ready for the challenge? Are you ready to share this person with other very important people, their children? Are you ready and aware that your partner will always have to maintain a relationship with their child’s other biological parent?
  3. Talk with the children about the type of relationship they would like to have with you. If children are quite young, then you will most likely have to be an active stepparent when they are in your care and that of their biological parent.
  4. Explore with children what this will be like for them. You will most likely be moving from being their friend who does not interfere to a new active parenting role. Children can be very confused by this.  Explore feelings for everyone in the family. Talk with children and with each other about the challenges.
  5. Having family meetings can be key to a happy home. Involve children in planning, talk with them about issues and problems. Enable them to have a voice and a part in implementing new ways of living together.
  6. Children don’t like having too many people tell them what they can and cannot do. Talk with children about respect for everyone in the family and set ground rules around respect for each family member.
  7. Children can be very lucky to have a stepparent, another person who is there for them to support them and help them through the challenges of childhood.  However, building a very close relationship with the child will take time so you will need to put effort into this. Children may or may not naturally like you. You may or may not like them initially. Bonds take time to develop. Be realistic and always be patient.
  8. It is usually very important for the stepparent to understand and empathise with the other biological parent. Try to understand what it is like for him or her. Appreciate what it is like for them having a stepparent with their children. Do you know their style of parenting, can you talk with them about the children to help you understand each child and how they respond to discipline? Respect the child’s other parent always and value their role as the biological parent of your stepchildren.
  9. If all three parents can sit together a couple of times a year and talk about the children, what each person’s role is and how the children are coping with living within a stepparent family, everyone will benefit. Remember that children are central to harmony and the focus is on keeping them at the centre of parenting. If children are happy, then usually parents are happy.
  10. If you are not happy in your role as a stepparent, then you need to start talking. Are you confused about your role? You may not be a parent already and now you have children who already have two parents whom you have to try and understand and parent also. This is very challenging. You should not think it is easy, it will be a constant challenge, so allow yourself opportunities to discuss your concerns with a close friend. You can also seek professional support. It can be very helpful to take a parenting course so you can learn some key skills and insight into children, and how to identify their needs. Hopefully with your partner’s support, you can meet each child’s needs as well as your own.

Next you might like to read 10 Ways to Sensitive Integration of a Stepparent.

This article is part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips, and is by One Family’s Director of Children and Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly. Coming soon:  10 Ways to Make Christmas Stress Free and 10 Ways to Create Family Traditions at Christmas.

LIVE Facebook Q&A with Geraldine on stepparenting on Monday 15 December from 11am-12pm on One Family’s Facebook page. Join in and post your question.

Find out more about our parenting skills programmes and parent supports. For support and advice on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email support@onefamily.ie.

Expressions of Interest Now Open for One Family Policy Panel 2015

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Diversity TreeAre you parenting alone or sharing parenting? Do you want your voice be heard and to be part of something that matters for one-parent families?

One Family is seeking willing participants to engage with our Policy Panel 2015. The Policy Panel will consist of ten-twelve lone parents and/or parents sharing parenting who will collaborate with us throughout 2015 in creating a Manifesto of things that Government needs to change for people parenting alone or sharing parenting and their children so they can create better futures.

Panel members will be encouraged to contribute their own lived experience and personal circumstances in order to enhance and parent proof One Family’s policy papers and budget submission. We welcome expressions of interest from women and men in a variety of circumstance, such as those in education or employment, in receipt of government supports, never married, separated or divorced and living in different areas around the country. The panelists will work with us to develop polices and submissions which reflect the lived reality for one-parent families in Ireland today.

Those interested in taking part should:

  • Wish to articulate their opinions and be comfortable discussing personal experiences and opinions, and core budget issues (housing, childcare etc.)
  • Currently live in Ireland – we hope to hear from people from both urban and rural areas
  • Be able to commit to a minimum of three hours per month (a mixture of phone and online engagement with occasional meetings in Dublin 2) on a volunteer basis

Existing One Family Members are encouraged to participate though it is not not essential for a panelist to be a Member.

If you are interested in being a One Family Policy Panelist in 2015, please complete the Expression of Interest Questionnaire here by 7 January 2015 and we will contact you in the New Year.