One Family’s Survival Guide to Christmas
Christmas can be a wonderful time when we come together to celebrate the passing of another year and to look forward to beginning a new year full of potential and possibility.
But it can also be a time of enormous stress and tremendous loneliness. Images of happy faces and perfect families may not match the sadness and pain we are feeling inside.
For some one-parent families, Christmas can be particularly difficult. It can be a time when painful feelings are magnified. Financial strain, complicated access arrangements and spending lots of time with relatives can further add to feelings of anxiety and distress.
Becoming aware of and acknowledging the immense pressure you may be feeling during the run up to Christmas is an important step in managing. Planning ahead is critical.
Some general points to consider
Plan Christmas as early as possible.
Keep things simple Abandon perfectionism!
Negotiate and finalise access arrangements as early possible.
Remember, Christmas is often not the time to challenge a person’s behaviour. Christmas is too emotionally charged. If a behaviour is tolerable and does not endanger another person’s wellbeing then it may be better to wait until the Christmas period is over.
Parents should avoid competing with each other through giving expensive presents. Expensive presents are a poor substitute for telling your child you love them and spending time with them.
Reassure your child that it is ok to talk about sad feelings at Christmas time. Acknowledging your own feelings without laying blame. However, be careful not to use your child as a confidant or peer
Try to reach out to those you trust for support.
Christmas Alone
S0me members of one-parent families will be spending Christmas alone as the children may be spending their holidays with the other parent. For some people being on their own at Christmas is enjoyable and can be a time to do things that they wouldn’t normally get done. However for others, being alone at Christmas increases feelings of depression, loneliness and isolation.
If you know that you are spending Christmas alone and know that this will be difficult for you it is really important to devise a coping strategy as soon as possible. Don’t wait, hoping that someone will ask you over and don’t put off thinking about what you will do.
Make contact with family or friends see if you can share Christmas with them.
Or, tell yourself you are worth it and prepare a special meal for yourself.
Plan each day well in advance – try to know exactly what you will be doing. A structure can be really helpful during the holidays when you have a lot of time alone.
Volunteering or getting involved in local activities can help you re-connect with other people and put meaning back into the season.
Attending a religious service or communal celebration might also help to give a sense of re-connection with others
Get out of the house and go for a walk.
Try to avoid things that make you feel worse such as alcohol, recreational drugs, over eating.
Remind yourself that this is a difficult time and that it will pass.
Coping with sad or painful memories
Christmas is a time when we can become painfully aware of the losses in our lives. If you are trying to manage painful feelings at Christmas here are some ideas that might help:
Try not to hide your feelings, find someone you can talk to.
Reassure children and young people that it is ok to feel upset and encourage them to talk about how their feeling
Light a special candle for the person who is missing or for the painful secret or memory you’re trying to cope with.
Keep a diary over the holiday and really use it to write down how you are feeling
It can be helpful for children to remember people who are no longer in their lives through making a special bauble for the Christmas Tree that represents them.
Dealing with conflict
Many of the worst family arguments happen at Christmas. The availability of alcohol, bored children and being cooped up with relatives can create tension.
Try to pre-empt possible arguments by planning access arrangements in advance
Try to communicate in a direct, open and honest manner
Don’t meet another person’s anger with your anger
Respect yourself even if the other parent shows you none
Get out for a walk with the children – tire them out
Have a bath or take a nap to get away from everyone
Be willing to compromise if necessary
Keep adult communication directly between adults. Refuse to use your child as a go-between
Financial Management at Christmas
It’s a really good idea to make a commitment to yourself that you will not over spend this Christmas. Here are some sample categories which might help:
Be very realistic – remember the presents are only the start.
Be honest – can you really afford to fund such a sum? If the answer is no, you must cut back
Be wary of credit – If you find that you need short-term credit to bridge the gap between normal income and abnormal expenditure at Christmas, decide how you will fund this. Your main options are credit cards, bank-loans or authorised overdrafts. All have advantages as well as disadvantages.
Paula Lonergan is the Training Manager at One Family, Ireland’s Leading Organisation for One-parent Families. For more information see www.onefamily.ie or contact the locall askonefamily helpline on 1890 662212
If you couldn’t join us for One Family 40th celebrations, perhaps you’d like to watch the video….
Part 1 features Mary Henry, President, One Family, John O’Connell, Chair, One Family and Catriona Crowe, Head of Special Projects at The National Archives of Ireland.
Part 2 features Karen Kiernan, Director, One Family reading a moving message from founder Maura Richards O’Dea and Minister Frances Fitzgerald T.D, Minister for Children and Youth Affairs.
Part 3 features Fintan O’Toole, Assistant Editor at The Irish Times and actors Rachael Dowling, Helene Montague and Pauline Shanahan reading the true stories of some of our clients – making it clear that One Family makes a real difference to the lives of one-parent families.
Part 4 features Geoffrey Shannon, Rapporteur on Child Protection and Karen Kiernan, Director, One Family.
As part of our 40th celebrations, we interviewed some of the original founder members of One Family – listen to their moving memories and insights into parenting alone 40 years ago, and how things have and haven’t changed….Evelyn Forde, Annette Hunter-Evans, Margaret Murphy, Gráinne Farren and one of the first staff members, Nuala Feric .
Our New Futures programme has been nominated for Social Innovation for Communities (SI-C) which aims to import successful solutions to solve critical social problems in Barcelona. The SI-C is an initiative by UpSocial, in partnership with the City of Barcelona, the Government of Catalonia and Citymart.com.
New Futures provides a valuable solution to the challenge of increasing the opportunities of single-parent families with children and reduce their risk of exclusion and poverty.
Lone Parents: being asked to make more sacrifices, rather than those with broader shoulders
One Family, Ireland’s leading organisation for one-parent families expresses their reaction to Budget 2013, ‘We’re looking for tailored help for families with children struggling to make ends meet as living costs rise” explains Stuart Duffin, Welfare to Work Manager.
He continues, “Those parenting alone keep being short-changed. The lowest paid families – often parents working with little pay – yet again are near the front of the queue for cuts. Child benefit, PRSI increase for low income workers, fuel, transport, property tax – all have been taken away from family budgets which are already on the bread-line.’
As Karen Kiernan, Director of One Family further explains, “Lone parent families are doing their very best. Lone parents who are working hard to keep their families out of poverty are finding that the Government is making it harder and harder for them to make ends meet.”
She continues, “It is a matter of great concern that spending decisions keep on asking the poorest families to make more sacrifices, rather than those with broader shoulders.”
“We need to build and invest in jobs, housing and childcare, which will stimulate the economy and meet the needs of lone parent families,” concludes Stuart Duffin.
For more information contact
Stuart Duffin, Welfare to Work Manager, 087 0622023
One Family, Ireland’s leading organisation for one-parent families, calls on Government not to place the burden of the budget on the shoulders of children and one-parent families.
‘Children don’t have the broadest shoulders in our society, and yet again they are carrying the weight of the budget’ says Stuart Duffin, One Family Welfare to Work Manager, ‘Child benefit is an essential part of the income of one-parent families. It allows parents to do what are considered quite basic things by a lot of people – such as buying healthy food, paying basic fuel bills and it is supposed to go towards supporting childcare costs.’
He goes on to point out that ideally, the wealthiest households should carry the greater tax burden in our society, but that this will not be the outcome after cutting Child Benefit across the board. “The real issue is that this will have a fundamental impact on child poverty and on families’ living standards more generally – on average 40% of lone parents already are struggling to make ends meet at the end of the month (GUI, Nov 2012 ). €10 cut per month will increase this figure to over 60% and further deepen poverty.
There’s no getting away from the plain fact that child poverty has risen as a result of the horrendous cuts aimed at one-parent families in Budget 2012. Ministers should be moving heaven and earth to protect children and vulnerable families from cuts and prevent child poverty growing.”
“65% of poor children live in a one-parent family, so Budget 2013 has to be balanced and show that the Government is truly on the side of these families who want to get out of poverty by supporting lone parents to get into work rather than making it more difficult by slashing Community Employment scheme payments and the earnings disregard.’
Karen Kiernan, Director of One Family urges Ministers, TDs and Senators to introduced flexibility in respect of working hours requirement for lone parents moved onto Jobseekers Allowance (JA), ‘The acceptance of part-time work as sufficient for JA when lone parents come off the One-Parent Family Payment is vital ; it will take into account the hours needed for parenting responsibilities while helping to address some of the childcare, afterschool and child welfare issues.’
She continues, ‘The need for such flexibilities has already been recognised in many European countries and without a flexible work requirement framework, lone parents are left exposed to precarious and low-paid work that fails to lift them out of poverty.’[2]
For more information contact:
Stuart Duffin, Welfare to Work Manager, One Family T: 01 662 9212 M: 087-0622023
[2] Mary Murphy, Reframing the Irish Activation Debate: Accommodating Care and Safeguarding Social Rights and Choices, Studies in Public Policy, 23, 2008, pp 1-112
We are so appreciative and thankful for all the good wishes which we’ve been getting for our 40th – many thanks. We thought we’d share the message of support sent to us by President Michael D. Higgins which was read out on the night of our celebrations:
Listen to the memories of One Family Founders
Some of the One Family/ Cherish founder members have been kind enough to take the time to share their memories from the early days with us – listen to Evelyn Forde, Annette Hunter-Evans, Margaret Murphy and Nuala Feric. We will shortly be sharing the full interviews with these courageous women who founded Cherish back in 1972. Listen here – SoundBites
Here is One Family founder Maura O’Dea and Director Karen Kiernan on Today FM’s The Last Word last Thursday – its in part 3 and starts at 10 mins 40 seconds in
Listen here
A declariation requesting that 2014 be the European Year for Reconciling Work and Family Life has been presented in the European Parliament in Strasbourg, initiated by Marian Harken ALDE Ireland, amongst others. COFACE, together with the European Alliance for the EY2014, is trying to bring attention to the fact that creating and promoting policies that enable the reconciliation of work and family life would be a win-win situation – both for individual EU citizens, as well as for the European Union as a whole, enabling women and men in all kinds of family models to exercise greater choice in balancing work and family life on the basis of their individual needs and preferences.
Parents’ Organisations Slam Misinformation on Children’s Referendum
Mainstream parents’ organisations slam misinformation relating to the Children’s Referendum in Dublin today. Urging all parents to vote YES in the Children’s Referendum on Saturday 10 November 2012, six parents’ organisations have come together to set the record straight. Chaired by Áine Lynch of the National Parents Council Primary, the five other organisations are the Mothers’ Union (Olive Good); National Parents Council Post-Primary (Jackie O’Callaghan); One Family (Karen Kiernan); OPEN (Frances Byrne); and Treoir (Margot Doherty).
These mainstream groups have come together to dismiss claims by individuals and small groups, purporting to represent parents, that the Children’s Referendum is an attack on family and parents’ rights. Parents and families are central to a child’s life. Each of the organisations believe that this referendum will help empower parents to ensure that the State upholds their child’s rights and are calling on all parents to vote YES on Saturday 10 November 2012.
Speaking at the press conference, Áine Lynch of the National Parents Council Primary, says: “Affording children rights is not about diminishing the rights of parents or the family or indeed increasing the rights of the State. It is about society in Ireland making a statement of value about its children. The National Parents Council Primary urges people to get out and vote on November the 10th. It is vital that, as a modern society, we give the strongest message possible that Ireland values its children.”
Olive Good, of Mother’s Union, says: “The Children’s referendum represents a positive step in the State’s willingness to prioritise children by protecting them and ensuring their rights.”
Jackie O’Callaghan, of National Parents Council Post Primary, says: “The National Parents Council Post Primary is very pleased to support a YES vote in the forthcoming Children’s Referendum. It is imperative that we now look to the future, learn from the mistakes of the past and safeguard our most precious resource: our children.”
Margot Doherty, of Treoir, says: “The Children’s Referendum, if passed, will mean that, for the first time, there will be a clear statement of children’s rights in the Irish Constitution. Treoir believes that, inherent in these rights, are a child’s right to identity and to a relationship with both their parents.”
Frances Byrne, of OPEN, says: “The Children’s Referendum spells out the State’s duty to safeguard the rights of all children and, critically, it establishes the same threshold of protection to all children, regardless of whether their parents are married or unmarried.”
Karen Kiernan, of One Family, says: “We particularly want to welcome the proposed introduction of mandatory consultation with children in proceedings relating to them. Children are rarely consulted and there are no appropriate systems to do so. There are excellent models from other jurisdictions in how to appropriately hear children’s voices in court in a way that is meaningful for the child and helpful for the judiciary and parents.”
All six organisations are supportive of the Yes for Children campaign, which is led by Barnardos, the Children’s Rights Alliance, the ISPCC and Campaign for Children.
Kildare FM did a great interview with Mary about what it was like to be a single parent 40 years ago on www.kfmradio.com. Go to Podcasting on the left hand side, then click on “Kildare Today” Podcasts, and you will see it there.
The Irish Independent did a great interview with Maura Richards O’Dea, one of the orignal founders of One Family,
http://www.independent.ie/lifestyle/parenting/i-was-shunned-because-i-was-a-single-mum-3263786.html
Fintan O’Toole has written a very moving tribute to the founders of One Family in today’s Irish Times – commending their bravery in refusing to be ashamed of being single mothers – and challenging the government to act with similar courage and lack of shame by refusing to accept bailing out Anglo and Nationwide
http://www.irishtimes.com/newspaper/opinion/2012/1023/1224325577694.html
Thanks to everyone who joined us in the Pillar Room at the Rotunda last night for a wonderful celebration of the work One Family/ Cherish has done over 40 years – and looking forward to what has yet to be achieved for better lives for one-parent families – see some of our impressive founders here on the RTE TV news at 17 minutes 25 seconds http://www.rte.ie/player/ie/show/10066711/
To mark the 40th Anniversary of Cherish/ One Family we’re delighted that Poolbeg Press has re-issued ‘Single Issue’ – the memoir of Cherish’s key founder Maura O’Dea Richards, as an eBook. See here http://www.amazon.co.uk/Single-Issue-ebook/dp/B009OJ8YGA/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8 It only costs €5 and Maura is donating any profits to the charity. It is a great read – all about her memories of setting up Cherish and her own personal story.
This interesting piece in today’s Irish Examiner explains how some brave single parents set up One Family, forty years ago, when things were very different in Irish society.
http://www.irishexaminer.com/lifestyle/alone-we-stood-210918.html
To mark our 40th Anniversary, Maura O’Dea Richards, the founder of Cherish, and Karen Kiernan, the current Director of One Family, were on Pat Kenny this morning – they are on at 34 minutes into the show.
http://www.rte.ie/radio1/todaywithpatkenny/
Press the green play button
No More Punishment for one-parent families – Smart Steps to equity
in Budget 2013
Media Release, Thursday 11 October 2012
Launching their solution-focused plan to ensure income security for lone parents, Karen Kiernan, Director of One Family, Ireland’s leading organisation for one-parent families says ‘There can be absolutely no more cuts or changes aimed at lone parents in Budget 2013. They are still reeling from the cuts in last year’s budget which saw the poorest families and children becoming even poorer as a direct result of the ill-thought out changes. As a service provider, over the last year we have witnessed how such changes caused untold hardship to one-parent families, many of whom were already struggling, and further distanced lone parents from the labour market.’
One Family calls for the Government to take an equity approach to Budget 2013, addressing the need for a tailored income support system which would ensure a basic level of income security for lone parents so that everyone, regardless of circumstance, can live with dignity in Irish society.
Stuart Duffin, One Family Welfare to Work Manager explains, ‘We are asking Government and Minister Burton to listen to and reflect on the necessary steps, which include reversing some of the negative changes and introducing new positive ones.’
Here is a summary of the Smart Steps:
- Introduce flexibilities into the Jobseeker’s Allowance system: during school hours, lone parents should only be required to be available to work part-time rather than full-time.
- Provide accessible, affordable and quality childcare.
- Provide mechanisms for accessible specialised bridging and skill development programmes that reflect and respond to the complex needs of one-parent families.
- Build and deliver a responsive Labour Market Agreement Plan that creates a bridging link between training and future employment of those parenting alone.
- Commit to a gradual repurposing of the €500 million given to private landlords annually into the establishment of a sustainable social housing stock, beginning with an initial assessment of NAMA assets.
- Promote and deliver in-work (tax) credits, in-work assistance and tackle the backlog of Family Income Support to ensure that ‘work pays and assistance works’.
- Acknowledge that consistent and persistent child poverty is a concern in Ireland and prioritise that Budget 2013 adjustments have a duty of care to ensure social protection for those who are vulnerable.
Stuart Duffin concludes, ‘The best way forward is to set the foundation for a sustained recovery through strategic investments in our social safety net. Currently, the system is unfair and traps lone parents in poverty and unemployment. If our advice is not followed, any more piece-meal changes will do little more than transform an awful system into a bad one.’
For the full One Family Pre Budget Submission click here
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For more information contact:
Hilary Fennell, Communications Manager, One Family T: 01 662 9212 M: 087 2359515
Stuart Duffin, Welfare to Work Manager, One Family T: 01 662 9212 M: 087-0622023
A new website has been set up with information on the upcoming Children’s Referendum. It proposes to place a dedicated Article in the Constitution, which has children as its central focus.
Dublin has plenty of events happening throughout Autumn for children and their families. Here are a few that you can check out:
v Art Workshops for children can be found every Saturday at the National Gallery of Ireland from 15:00 onwards, and they’re free to go to. Merrion Square West, Dublin 2.
v On Thursday the 27 of September there will be a free children’s workshop for all ages in the National Library of Ireland, 2 Kildare Street, Dublin 2.
v Niamh Sharkey the world renowned children’s book illustrator is hosting a Monster Doodle Workshop to launch the Children’s Book Festival on October 1st. Visit your local library or email info@childrenslaureate.ie for more information on how to take part.
v Trio Time is an opportunity for young children and their grown-ups to make music together and to learn about different instruments in a relaxed, fun workshop. Learn & Explore musicians will tell participants about their instruments and demonstrate their special sounds. Participants will be invited to join in the music-playing through singing, moving and playing simple hand percussion.
10:30am 1 & 2 year olds
11:20am 3 & 4 year olds
12:10pm 5 & 6 year olds
These workshops can be found in the National Concert Hall · Earlsfort Terrace, Dublin 2, Dublin and the price is €7.50 for an adult and €6.00 for a child. These classes run until the 29th of September 2012.
v The Botanical Gardens have organised a “decorate your own pumpkin” competition, with a prize for the most imaginative entry. The competition runs from the 21st of October until the 5th of November. Only the skin is to be decorated and there can be no carving of the pumpkin in case it turns bad.
v From the 28th of September until the 14th of October The Ark and Dublin Theatre Festival will be showing fantastic performances geared towards children aged 2-12 years. Below you can find a list of performance dates and a description of each performance. Tickets cost €10.00.
White 2-4 years 28th September – 4th of October:
Here’s what the Ark has to say about the performance:
“Welcome to the beautifully strange world of White. Full of birdsong and birdhouses, it gleams and dazzles and shines in the night. Two friends look after the birdhouses and make sure the eggs stay safe. Their world is bright, ordered and white. But high up in the trees, all is not white. Colour appears. First red… then yellow… then blue…”
Ha Ha Ha 4+ years 6th-7th of October:
A clowning performance that has had children and adults alike rolling in the aisles since its creation 10 years ago.
Mouth Open, Story Jump Out 8-12 years 9th-11th of October:
An interactive storytelling show and how and why we make things up.
Potato Needs A Bath 3-5 years 12th-14th of October:
A gentle and light-hearted new show for young children featuring fruit, vegetables and original music.
v The Ark is a great centre found in Temple Bar that provides loads of fun and interesting activities for children and their carers. From Monday the 29th of October until Sunday November the 25th they will be opening The Telling Tall and Tiny Tales Experience. This is an interactive book experience with storytellers, workshops, and illustrators coming in different days to share their exciting world. Tickets are €4.00
v On October 31st master storyteller Niall de Burca will be telling spooky tales for all the family at The Ark, Temple Bar. Tickets are at a first come, first served basis.
Best Will in the World Week takes place from Monday 22nd – Friday 26th October, organised by MyLegacy, a coalition of over 70 Irish charities, including One Family.
Solicitors across the country will offer will consultations to the general public for a flat fee of €50. Those interested in making or updating an existing will, are also being encouraged to leave a gift to their favourite charity in their will after loved ones have been looked after. See www.mylegacy.ie for a list of participating solicitors and charities.
One Family is 40! We used to be called Cherish and we’d love everyone who has been involved over the years – clients, staff, supporters – to join us for a big celebratory event in Dublin’s Pillar Room on the evening of Thurs 18 Oct. We will be recalling the past, with some of the founder members of Cherish, and looking to the future as One Family. Places are limited and will be strictly by invite only so if you’d like to come RSVP by Monday 1 Oct 01 662 9212 or info@onefamily.ie
Media Release, Weds 29 August 2012
In response to today’s news that the EU has warned Government that it needs to reform our welfare system, One Family, Ireland’s leading organisation for one-parent families, welcomes the broad recommendations and in particular the broadening of the tax base.
Stuart Duffin, One Family Welfare to Work Manager explains, ‘Despite what the economists might say, the jobs recovery has not yet begun. Low-income people, particularly those parenting alone, are facing two significant challenges. The first is simply keeping their heads above water, as they struggle to cover their rent or mortgage, to meet the continually rising costs of energy, to cover the costs of transportation, of putting food on the table and of educating their children, all during a period of high unemployment and few sustainable labour market opportunities. The second challenge is how to develop the skills necessary to participate in any economic recovery and to be capable of benefiting from future economic growth.’
Any successful poverty reduction strategy for Ireland must include a new approach to social assistance programmes that recognises these challenges. The Irish Government needs an overall vision for social assistance. Its adoption of poverty reduction as a goal in social policy must be echoed by creating a 21st century income security system, with underlying principles recognizing diversity through creating equity, treating people with dignity and respect, enhancing social and economic inclusion and eradicating poverty traps.
Duffin continues, ‘One Family’s Ten Solutions are all about delivering some of the supports needed to enable those parenting alone to have better futures out of poverty, off social assistance and in quality, sustainable jobs. A key element of reform will be the Government’s commitment to flexibilities within the system: for example, lone parents who transition to Jobseeker’s Allowance should not be required to be available for fulltime work but rather for 15 hours per week during school hours. This should mitigate many of the child protection concerns that have arisen around 7 year olds being left on their own. A series of flexibilities or exemptions are required in the UK and many other countries to allow for a lack of childcare, lack of transport, a child with a disability, separation, bereavement, home-schooling and so on.’
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For more information contact Hilary Fennell, Communications Manager, One Family, 01 6629212 / 087 2359515 or Stuart Duffin, Welfare to Work Manager, 087 0622023