Parenting | How to support a teen who lacks motivation for school

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teenager2Parents know how important school really is, whether they have worked hard themselves or wished they had worked harder. Watching your teen have no motivation for school is extremely frustrating for parents. What is crucial for teens is that they maintain positive relationships with parents when they are struggling to find their path. Education is only one path in life and it is not worth losing that parent and child bond over. How do you maintain that positive relationship with your teen without a constant daily battle?

Here are ’10 ways to’ deal with your teen’s motivation to succeed in school:

  1. Try to be available for them. Find time to talk when they are around. This could be late at night and not early evening when it might suit you. Remember, teens are not built the same as adults. They like to stay up late and sleep late.
  2. Spend time with your teen when they are relaxed. Listen to their views. This will really help you to understand them, their wants and their struggles. The more we learn about them, how they think, how they see the world and what they enjoy, the more we can support them in finding their path.
  3. Hear what others have to say about them. It will often make you wonder if you know them at all. They may be so different to the child you once knew.
  4. Take an interest in what interests them. We can often dismiss the things they like too quickly. Maybe there are things we can learn from them. The learning should not all be one way.
  5. Think back to when they were little and what you really enjoyed about your relationship with them. Can you bring any of these things back? Often we think that when our children get older they need less of us and less cuddles, but really they need more of us. Teen life is extremely complex.
  6. Try not to worry too much about the future. All parents will have dreams and plans for their children and that is okay, but really the dreams and plans need to be our children’s dreams and plans. Our role as parents is to support them to achieve. Be open minded in how you can support them.
  7. Do not allow other parents to pressure you into feeling you are doing the wrong thing. Education is important but there are so many courses and so many colleges. Find the right one for your child and help them to succeed. Getting grind after grind to get the CAO points may not be the answer.
  8. Be strict with them and set clear boundaries. Do not pamper them and treat them as babies. Expect them to be responsible.
  9. Respect their right to choose what they want to do. Stay calm and have faith in them. It is not a reflection on you, or your ability to parent, what your child chooses to do with their life. Be proud of their achievements whatever they are.
  10. Help them to become responsible adults. We would hope that our children turn out to be good people, to be respectful of others, to be kind and caring, and to be happy in their relationships. Give them space to think, to plan and to decide what they want and need from life.

This ’10 Ways to’ article is by One Family’s Director of Children & Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly, as part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips. You can read the full series here.

Find out more about our parenting skills programmes and parent supports. For support and information on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or on 01 662 9212

Events | Join One Family for the Women’s Mini Marathon

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Race Logo 2016

Get those runners ready to join the One Family team in this year’s Vhi Women’s Mini Marathon 2017!

The Vhi Women’s Mini Marathon starts at 2pm on Bank Holiday Monday, 5 June.

Find entry forms in The Herald every Wednesday and Saturday or sign up online here.

Start your fundraising for One Family here using iDonate.

Your Vhi Women’s Mini Marathon fundraising for One Family will support us as we continue to provide vital services for parents and children of one-parent families. Our services include the askonefamily helpline, counselling, supports for young people in care, play therapy, parent mentoring and mediation, social outings, and training programmes.

Let us know when you’ve registered by emailing us, and we will give you information on receiving your One Family t-shirt. It’s going to be fun!

#RunOne

#Vhiwmm

Race information:

Date/Time: Bank Holiday Monday, 5th June 2017 at 2.00pm

Distance: 10K.

Start Line: Fitzwilliam Street Upper, Dublin 2.

Finish Line: Baggot Street Upper, Dublin 2.

Entry Closing Date: 28th April 2017 or when maximum number of entries is reached.

Fee: €20.00 entry fee + €1 processing charge

Parenting | Should Children Hit Back?

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bullyMany parents still believe that telling a child to hit back is the right choice on the playground. In an Ireland where we have recently criminalised the hitting of children by adults, do we really want to tell children that hitting each other is the way to deal with playground problems?

Children need to learn to deal with issues in ways that will teach them lifelong skills. Hitting back is not a lifelong skill.

Here are ’10 ways to’ tips to support your child if they are experiencing playground problems:

  1. Support your child to stand up for themselves using words not by hitting back.
  2. Role-play the situation with your child. Help them find the actions and words to deal with the other child.
  3. Allow your child to talk about issues. Ask the child what support they need from you as the parent. Ask them what they think they should do. Explore with them the outcome of those actions. Decide if the outcomes are positive or negative.
  4. Make a plan to deal with the issue but make it their plan. Praise them for thinking this out and coming up with the plan. When their plan succeeds they will grow in confidence much more than if it was yours.
  5. If the plan backfires you can go back to the drawing board with them.
  6. Support and encourage your child to try again. Look at what they did, what went wrong, and ask them again what they think they need to do.
  7. Explore the options with them but do not tell them what to do. Facilitate your child to come up with their own ideas. They are very capable of thinking this through. This is the life skill: problem solving. The first plan is usually not the right plan but most of the time you will get there.
  8. Never allow your child to walk into danger. Alert a teacher to a challenge your child faces, if you need to, but ask them to be vigilant as opposed to jumping in.
  9. All too often we jump in and want to fix things for children. This is where we. In the past parents encouraged children, maybe a little bluntly, to sort it out for themselves. They didn’t have time to get involved. Today parents can be too involved. Do not fight their battles for them.
  10. Remember, the hitter is usually a bully but they may have issues with confidence. They may be bullied in the home or living in a domineering environment. This ’10 Ways to’ article is by One Family’s Director of Children & Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly, as part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips. You can read the full series here.

Find out more about our parenting skills programmes and parent supports. For support and information on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or on 01 662 9212.

Press Release | Ireland’s Biggest Family Tree to be Created on Sunday 15th May

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Press Release

Ireland’s Biggest Family Tree to be Created on Sunday 15th May

Annual Family Day Festival celebrates family diversity in Ireland today.

 Family Day Festival | Sunday 15 May 2016 | www.familyday.ie

 (Dublin, Monday 18th April 2016) One Family – Ireland’s organisation for people parenting alone, sharing parenting and separating – celebrates the wonderful diversity of families in Ireland with its sixth annual Family Day Festival taking place on Sunday 15 May from 11am-5pm in Wolfe Tone Square, Dublin 1. Brimming over with free fun and festivities, family-friendly performances, games, workshops, story-telling and lots more including Ireland’s Biggest Family Tree.

Karen Kiernan, One Family CEO, comments: “Many people celebrate Mother’s Day and Father’s Day and of course these are important, but what’s different about Family Day is that it’s inclusive of all families. One Family has been working for equality for all families in Ireland since 1972. We founded Family Day, inspired by the UN International Day of Families on 15 May annually, so that all families whatever form they take have a day where they can celebrate. Family Day is for all children – whether living in a one-parent family; married family; with unmarried parents; with same-sex parents; a foster family; extended family or friends; or any of the myriad family forms in society – so they can know that their family is valued and included.”

This year One Family will create Ireland’s Biggest Family Tree. Children across the country can draw a portrait of their own family on our leaf template which can be downloaded from www.familyday.ie. These leaves will be combined and displayed on our colourful Biggest Family Tree at Family Day on Sunday 15th May. Drawing a Family Tree can be challenging but this project aims to instil a sense of pride in one’s family, whatever form it may take. Karen further comments:  “We’ve worked with diverse families for nearly 45 years and our evidence reflects what reputable research also shows: what matters for children’s outcomes is not the form their family takes, but the quality of relationships they have at home. We created Family Day a decade ago to help raise awareness of how family diversity is a positive thing for society. We still have a lot of work to do as our Constitution does not yet acknowledge this reality, and many of the families we work with are struggling more than ever.  But Family Day is one day we can all get together, celebrate all family forms and simply have fun. “

One Family gratefully acknowledges Dublin Town and Dublin City Council for their support of Family Day 2016. Full event information is on www.familyday.ie

IRELAND’S BIGGEST FAMILY TREE

Be part of Ireland’s Biggest Family Tree! Ireland’s Biggest Family Tree will be created on Sunday 15th May 2016 in Wolfe Tone Square, Dublin 1. Children nationwide can be part of it. Families come in all shapes and sizes and everyone should have pride in their family form. All families matter and all families are equal.

Download the Biggest Family Tree Leaf here:

http://www.familyday.ie/wp-content/uploads/family_day_leaf_2016.pdf

TICKETS

This is an un-ticketed, free event.

 LISTINGS

Sunday 15 May | Family Day Festival presented by One Family in celebration of family diversity | Family-friendly fun for all ages: magic, music, games, comedy, story-telling, arts & crafts, and lots more! | Wolfe Tone Square, beside Jervis Centre, Dublin 1 | 11am-5pm | FREE | www.familyday.ie / 01 662 9212

Parenting | What to do when your child won’t listen

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listenMany parents say that their child will just not listen to them but the first question to be explored is how well do you listen to your child? As parents we are role models for our children so exploring your style of listening is key to supporting your child going forward.

Here are some tips to support improvement in listening skills in your home and as a result improving behaviour and communication.

  1. Reflect on how you listen to your child. When your child is talking to you do you stop, look them in the eye and listen carefully to what they have to say? Or do you continue with what you are doing?
  2. When you are telling your child something are you inclined to shout in to them from another room or up the stairs? Or do you go to them, stand near them, look them in the eye and talk to them, ensuring they know you are talking to them?
  3. Are you inclined to clarify with your child what they heard you say? For example: Jack, can you tell me what I have asked you to do before dinner? Children often only hear part of what we say.
  4. How do you speak with your child, do you start with threats or with a positive statement? For example: Joe I need you to tidy away some toys before dinner or if you don’t tidy up now you are getting no dinner! Children like positive energy and work more effectively with us if we can keep things fun. Help them achieve rather than focusing on threats and failure.
  5. If you are talking to more than one child at a time be very specific who you are talking with. Stop what you are doing and go and ask that one child to come to you and talk with them. Although it may seem time consuming to stop and talk with them in the long run it will be much faster.
  6. Have a meeting with your children about listening to each other. Play some games with them where you all take turns to listen really nicely to each other and ask questions of each other. Then play a game whereby you don’t listen to each other. Talk about what that feels like for everyone. Children as young as three should be able to participate in this activity. Then as a family talk about some house rules around listening. It is good to instil some good principles in your family that they can bring forward through life.
  7. Reward children and yourself for listening and communicating well with each other. If you have a rule that you have to lift your head and look at a person when they talk with you. That is really respectful. Thank the person for being so nice to you. That is a reward in itself. How often do we thank each other for being nice?
  8. Take time to talk. If your child is over two years old ask them to wait at times to talk with you if you are in the middle of something. Always, always go back to them and ask them to tell you what they had wanted to talk to you about. Never leave it and think they will have forgotten. If children are younger they cannot wait so you have to just stop and listen and make time for this.
  9. Be careful that you model good listening skills to your child if you expect them to listen well to you:
  • Stop and make eye contact.
  • Listen openly to what they are saying.
  • Clarify what you hear them say.
  • Ask open ended questions.
  • Do not jump in with your own story – this is their space to talk and your space to listen.
  • Thank them for telling you.
  • Move on with your activities when they have finished or when you feel it is appropriate.

10. Have a time each day when you turn off phones and televisions and make time to talk and listen. When children feel heard they are more likely to listen to others.

This ’10 Ways to’ article is by One Family’s Director of Children & Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly, as part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips. You can read the full series here.

Find out more about our parenting skills programmes and parent supports. For support and information on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or on 01 662 9212.

Parenting | Ten Ways to Help Your Child Be Active

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child swingResearch suggests that children should have 60 minutes of physical exercise per day. We all know the benefits of exercise for ourselves as adults. We know when we get out walking or doing any form or exercise we always feel better afterwards, and it usually supports a healthier environment all round, combined with diet, attitude and well-being in general.

With rates of child obesity and diabetes rising in Ireland, some small changes can make a big difference. Here are ten ways to support your child in getting 60 minutes of active exercise each day, which respect your budget and which can be incorporated into your regular routine.

  1. Join in with your child. We always talk about quality time with our children. Why not do something you enjoy outdoors with your child?
  2. Walk to school, walk home, or walk part of the way. Plan an activity for each day that fits in with your schedule.
  3. Get an App on your phone and tell the children about it. Record your steps and make it a competition to see how many steps you take each day.
  4. Encourage your child to join a club. A dance club, running club, football, martial arts, swimming, tennis, ballet or gymnastics. While some can be expensive most communities have funded groups for all children to access.
  5. Check out what your school offers. A lot of schools want children to join sports teams. Help your child find what they are good at and enjoy.
  6. If your child is very young take them walking. Walk to the shops, to the library, around the roads, up the hills or visit the animals. There are so many interesting things to do on the way. They don’t have to walk nonstop. You could be easily out for three hours by the time you stop and explore what your community has to offer. Try not to put children in buggies once they pass 2 years old. You come home exhausted and they are full of energy. They can only get good and strong at walking if you allow them to walk.
  7. Climb a hill. Children love to explore and you will too once you get use to getting dirty. Visit a forest. You can walk for hours or find the short path.
  8. Offer to walk the neighbour’s dog or walk your own. Maybe get a dog to make you get out walking all year round.
  9. Children love to use scooters, skate boards or roller blades. Find a local park where they can do this safely.
  10. Use the local football grounds to give young and older children a safe space to run and a space they cannot escape from. For younger children the fear can be letting go of their hand.
  11. In the spring, summer and early autumn children love to just run about the garden if you have one. Stop off at the park on your way home from school or work. 20 minutes of running about could improve the whole evening and give your children what they need around exercise.
  12. Don’t forget to keep exercise top of your list when it is colder outside. Often children who wrap up and get out for a run about are less often sick than those wrapped up indoors all year round. Usually it is adults who hate the winter, children love so much about all the seasons.

Be creative, sit with your children this weekend and plan all the active things you can all do. Make it a game, make it a challenge and you will all feel better. When children feel healthy and fit they will have more confidence and as result have better friendships, do better in school and over all have a better outlook on life at home and in school.

This ’10 Ways to’ article is by One Family’s Director of Children & Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly, as part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips. You can read the full series here.

Find out more about our parenting skills programmes and parent supports. For support and information on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or on 01 662 9212.

Policy | FamiliesAndSocieties Third Annual Meeting

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IMG_4617One Family acts as a stakeholder within the FamiliesAndSocieties project which aims to investigate the diversity of family forms, relationships, and life courses in Europe; to assess the compatibility of existing policies to family changes; and to contribute to evidence-based policy-making.

Stakeholders are an integral part of the project; providing a link between the research outputs and how they can be translated into family policies across Europe. One Family uses its knowledge and expertise from working with one-parent, shared parenting and separating families to highlight policy implications and to suggest appropriate and workable policy response.

Valerie Maher, our Policy & Programmes Manager, attended the third annual FamiliesAndSocieties meeting and stakeholder workshop earlier this year.

Some of the findings of FamiliesAndSocieties from February 2013 to December 2015 include:

  • Family forms have become more varied and individual and family life courses are increasingly diverse. We need to be aware of different family forms and treat them equally; policy to support children irrespective of family forms they live in is imperative.
  • Vulnerable families and their wellbeing – lone parents and large families are more “at risk” because the reconciliation of work and family is particularly challenging for them. This can lead to economic problems as well as impacting on social and emotional wellbeing (e.g. time pressure and stress, reduction of social contacts, less quality time with children).
  • Forces that might be crucial for the wellbeing of (vulnerable) families were often related to worklife balance (e.g. changes in institutional childcare provision, changing gender roles) as well as the role of the “culture of work” and employers’ attitudes towards family responsibilities of their employees.

You can read more about FamiliesAndSocieties here, including the outputs and results of the project to date.