10 Ways to Support Your Children Through Times Of Change

Supporting Children Through ChangeAt times we make big changes in our lives and we plan around how we can manage these changes for us as adults. However, it is important also to explore what changes are taking place for your child and to support them through this.

At times children don’t react to change immediately but a little later on. This can even be a few months in, when they realise the change is permanent.

There are many things to watch out for in children during times of change such as:

  • Change in sleeping pattern.
  • Crying more than normal.
  • Feeling that other children are not their friend – a shift in their level of confidence.
  • Developing behaviours such as phobias and generally a change in behaviour.
  • Difficulty cooperating.
  • Becoming clingy.
  • Change in eating habits.
  • Many others, as each child is unique and will respond in many different ways.

This week in our ’10 Ways to’ series, we offer five guidelines for times when you know that change is on the way and five for dealing with sudden changes.

If you are aware that change is on the way try to follow these five simple guidelines:

  1. Talk with your child about the changes ahead and ask them how they feel about it.
  2. Try not to fix it. Listen and explore their fears and anxieties.
  3. Try to understand their needs and think of ways you can support their needs to be met. Keep talking with your child, they forget and at times don’t understand exactly what you mean.
  4. Give your child extra time during these periods. Try to give them more one to one time so they have time to talk with you and stay connected. We can often be more busy ourselves during times of change but children need our focused time.
  5. Involve your child as much as you can in what is happening. Help them to understand what the change is and why the change is taking place.

If change happens suddenly then the key factor again is to talk with your child. Here are five guidelines to help support your child during times of sudden change:

  1. Try to explain why the change is happening.
  2. Try to give them space to explore feelings. You may be upset about the change so be sure it will affect your child also. Even if the change is not impacting on them, the change in how you are will.
  3. Check in with your chid regularly around how they are.
  4. Reflect on any changes you have noticed in them. Do not ignore behaviours and get into punishments and consequences. Think about what the child is trying to tell you through their behaviours. Remember all behaviour makes sense. What is the sense of this behaviour?
  5. Be patient with children, it can take time to adapt to change.

Change is good for children at times; it’s good for us all. It can help us see that we can cope and things will be alright. At times however change has great impact on us. We may not even be fully aware of the impact. Try to take time to reflect on your needs as well as your child’s needs. Talk with people involved in your child’s life about the changes taking place so they can also support your child at this time. Remember children can be impacted by any type of change:

  • Losing a friend due to moving away
  • Moving house
  • Starting school
  • New minders
  • Not seeing family members as much as they use too
  • Parents going back to work or starting work
  • Change in the routine at home
  • Loss of someone through death
  • A parent leaving the family home
  • A change in parent’s behaviour
  • Stressed parents
  • A new sibling and so much more…

If after a long period of time, over six months or a year you feel your child has not adapted or learned to cope with the changes that have happened it may be worthwhile exploring supports outside of the family. There are many things such as art and play therapy that can really support children. Also by accessing support as the parent you may develop skills which will help you support your child and understand why they are struggling with the changes.

This article is part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips, and is by One Family’s Director of Children and Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly.

LIVE Facebook Q&A with Geraldine on this topic on Monday 30 January from 11am-12pm on One Family’s Facebook page. Join in and post your question.

Next you might like to read 10 Ways to Develop Coping Skills In Your Family. 

Coming up next week: 10 Ways to Find Support When you Feel Like Giving Up.  

Find out more about our parenting skills programmes and parent supports. For support and advice on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email support@onefamily.ie.

In His Own Words | Dean’s Story – When My Parents Separated, Part 2

Boy on mountainDean contacted One Family because he wished to share his personal experience of when his parents separated. In the second of a series, this is Dean’s story in his own words. He is now 16 years old.

“But why? But what about? But how?” These questions are always synonymous with any major change in life. The thing is, your parents often don’t know the answers to the questions you’re asking. This is why they might appear dismissive and reluctant to answer you. By no means let this stop you from asking questions: you should ask, it affects your life as well. For many kids that go through this, it is often when they realise their parents are just people that they begin to understand. Your parents make mistakes, have disagreements, arguments, shout, yell and have emotions. Just like anybody else, just like you.

For a long time these questions haunted me, I just wanted clarity. As time went on, as things further developed, this need to know everything drifted away. You see, for me there was really only thing I wanted to know more than anything. “Were things okay?” That was all I wanted. I just wanted to know that no matter what the situation was, that things were okay, that people were happy.

One thing that I don’t share with many other people that have gone through this, is the feeling of guilt. I never felt as if the separation was a product of what I did, or didn’t do. I always on some level knew that it was to do with my parents’ own quarrels.

I did, however, feel the need to fix things. I think this is one of the most debilitating parts of the separation of two people you’re so close to. You just want to help, to return things back to “normal”.

The issue lies with that word, ‘normal’ … what is normal? It’s such a subjective word that it causes more harm than good.

Through all the difficulties, be it small or large, when I came to realise that ‘normal’ wasn’t exactly what’s best for me, my parents or my siblings, things got so much better. When we let go of that burden to fix things, and just concentrate on living the life we have now, things become brighter, better.

If I had to go through everything again to get to the point where I am now, where my family is now, I would do it in a heartbeat. And I think that’s what shows that a separation doesn’t always mean a destruction.

Life works out, always.

Part 1 of Dean’s story can be read here. Read Part 3 here.

Note: Stock image used.

In His Own Words | Dean’s Story – When My Parents Separated

SeparationDean contacted One Family because he wished to share his personal experience of when his parents separated. In the first of a series, this is Dean’s story in his own words. He is now 16 years old.

When people tend to bring up living in a house with separating parents, it always seems to be a rather saddening story; a tale of sorrow and anguish. Sometimes this can be true but for the majority of cases, mine included, it doesn’t live up to the tumultuous stories of the past.

Perhaps it was because the whole situation began when I was aged 12, but I don’t feel that the separation was detrimental. Of course there were times where it was difficult; where I didn’t understand what, when or why, but this just wasn’t common. I don’t really remember any specific events, no categorically haunting memories.

One of the main things I see children struggle with when they’re in this situation is picking a side. What we don’t realise is we shouldn’t have to pick a side, and we shouldn’t pick a side.

A lot of the time there are many things omitted when we receive the news of the separation from our parents. Whether this is done in an attempt to protect us, or it is a flawed system to save the opinions of both parents I don’t know, but it seems to be a common practice. One of the most difficult things for a parent to do is to admit to their children that they weren’t right, or things didn’t work out the way they’d hoped.

As people, we have a tendency to demonise and hate change, subsequently hating the thing or person who has brought it. Throughout my experience I found I likened the separation to things on a smaller scale, such as equating it to a fight between friends where a lot of the time you only hear one side of the story leaving more questions than answers, but in the end, it always is resolved. Call it a coping mechanism, a means to understand – whatever you wish – but it made things simpler for me, and that’s what I wanted. It truly is the complexity of things that leaves us bewildered, that leaves that feeling of betrayal of trust or loyalty in our stomach.

Read Part 2 of Dean’s story here.

Note: Stock image used.

10 Ways to Travel On Public Transport With Young Children

Boy on trainTravelling anywhere by any means with young children can be a challenge. These tips are intended to support you when travelling mostly on a bus or by train with young children.

  1. Boredom. Try to understand how boring the trip may be for your child. How can you make it less boring? You may feel you are also bored and that is just the way it is, but try telling your young child that and see how far you get.
  2. Distraction. Try to have lots of things in your bag that you can use to distract your child. Maybe have something like a doodle board that they only get when on the bus. You will be surprised how many small toys and gadgets you can take in your bag.
  3. Feed them. Often children can be hungry and thirsty when travelling. Maybe you were rushing to leave the house and they didn’t get to eat. Have simple snacks with you or a little lunch box with some small bites in it. Try to steer clear of anything that will be messy or that spills easily. You may also not want your child soiled when you are getting off the bus so think clean food – raisins, apples, grapes, plain biscuit, water etc.
  4. Engage with your child. It can be easy to sit on the bus and try to think and plan what you need to do while out. It is very hard for young children to have a parent with them who is really not present to them. Try to play games and talk with your child. ‘I spy’ can be a lot of fun. Read short stories and talk with them about what they see around them. Children generally enjoy adults engaging with them. If you are keeping them in the buggie try to position it in such a way that they can see other people. They may be amused watching others also.
  5. Plan ahead. Before going on the trip make sure you have a solid plan of action. Talk with your child about where you are going, acknowledge it is not ideal but that you need them to cooperate with you. Build something into the trip which they will enjoy E.g. Stopping at the park to feed the ducks, playing on the swings, or some other  special reward for cooperating.   Let them know that you understand it is hard for them and ask them to bring something with them for amusement. If possible, try to plan a trip when your child is due to nap.
  6. Involvement. Find ways to involve your child in the trip. Maybe they need some new paints or nappies. Talk with them about that being why they are coming. Give them a little responsibility around this task. Make a big deal of getting whatever it is. Children love things to be playful. Make it fun as much as you can. It can be fun if you just talk with them and get excited about the outing.
  7. Your mood. If you are tired or hungry when the trip is due to happen you can be sure it will not go well. IT is important that you plan for yourself too. Take a snack with you if you can’t eat before leaving.  Try not to plan trips when you are tired or children are sick.
  8. Keep trips as short as you can. Stopping endlessly to talk with people while keeping children confined to their buggie is usually not good. Be conscious of your child’s needs. Try every hour to let them out of the buggie for a run around.
  9. Praise. Tell your child during the trip how much you appreciate them coming with you and thank them for cooperating.  Acknowledge it is hard, but that they are doing well. Remind them of their reward. Sometimes we take children for granted. We expect that they should just cooperate; this should not be the case.
  10. When you’re done, thank your child again. Even if parts of the trip were hard, tell them about the parts they did well on. Focusing on what went wrong will not achieve anything. This is for you to think about later and to plan again for the next trip. Is there anything you can do differently? Before the next trip talk with your child again. Trust that they want to do well. Give them the reward and encourage them to work hard the next time, but support them in this.

This article is part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips, and is by One Family’s Director of Children and Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly.

LIVE Facebook Q&A on this topic with Geraldine, 23 March from 11am-12pm on One Family’s Facebook pageJoin in and post your questions.

Next you might like to read: 10 Ways to Keep Your Child Safe When Out And About. 

Coming up next week: 10 Ways to Support Your Children Through Times Of Change.

Find out more about our parenting skills programmes and parent supports. For support and information on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email support@onefamily.ie.

International Women’s Day, Make It Happen

On 8 March every year International Women’s Day celebrates the achievements of women while calling for greater equality. This year’s theme is “Make It Happen”.

In 1972, led by Maura O’Dea Richards, a small group of mothers who were unmarried set about reaching others in the same situation and founded Cherish, later renamed One Family.

Mary Robinson & Cherish 1970s

Founder member Colette O’Neill suggested Cherish as a name for the group, taken from the 1916 Proclamation which declared that Ireland would ‘cherish all of the children of the nation equally’. Mary Robinson, then a Senator, became our first President.

At that time in Ireland, single pregnant women were often thrown out of their homes, lost their jobs and were rejected by their families and communities. It was extremely difficult for them to keep and raise their children themselves. Cherish gave these women and their children a voice for the first time, empowering women to help themselves and their families.

One of the significant changes achieved by our founders as a result of many years of lobbying was the abolition of the status of illegitimacy in 1987. The organisation was, and remains, a powerful driver for positive change.

On International Women’s Day, we are proud to celebrate our brave founders. They were women who, as individuals and collectively, ‘made it happen’. We also celebrate all women who are parenting in diverse family situations in Ireland now and who ‘make it happen’ every day.

OneFamily40thCakeIf you would like to find out more about our founders and our history, you can listen to the Today FM documentary Cherish All The Children featuring interviews with Mary Robinson, our founders, and people who availed of our services over the years. Maura O’Dea Richards’s insightful and witty memoir Single Issue can be downloaded here.

One Family has a big vision: an Ireland where every family is cherished equally and enjoys the social, financial and legal equality to create their own positive futures. We continue to work hard to achieve these aims. Our current Strategy can be read here.

 

Maintenance Downtime Announcement

DowntimeOwing to essential technical maintenance, One Family will not have telephone, email or internet services this afternoon, Friday 6 March. This scheduled maintenance downtime will continue through Saturday 7 March. All systems are expected to be fully operational by 9am on Monday 9 March.

We will respond to voicemails and emails as soon as possible after service is fully restored; but please anticipate that it may not be possible to leave voicemails or send emails to @onefamily.ie email addresses during the maintenance downtime. We regret any inconvenience that may be caused. Useful information, resources and links are available here on our website.

Family Situation

Talking to Your Child About Your Family Situation

Family Situation2015 is shaping up to be a big year for children’s rights, especially with regard to Family Law. Children are now being placed at the centre of legislation that directly affects them and their parents. Talking about your family situation can be difficult especially if you, as a parent, are struggling to cope yourself. Here are a few tips to help you to open a dialogue with your children and ease them  into a secure understanding  of their family.

  1. The UN Convention on the Rights of the Child states that every child has the right to know about both biological parents.
  2. Parents need to explain their family situation to their children in a way that fosters respect for the other parent and allows children to feel positively about their family.
  3. Being able to talk to a child positively about their family situation allows trust to develop between a parent and a child.
  4. Both parents have rights and with those rights come responsibilities to ensure that parents meet the child’s best interests.
  5. According to Irish law, access (to parents) is the right of the child.
  6. Be truthful with children and answer questions in a way that is respectful to the other parent and age appropriate to the child.
  7. If you live with your parents and they behave like parents to your child then be honest about the real nature of the relationship.
  8. If a new partner is like a parent to your child be truthful about the real nature of the relationship.
  9. Use and create opportunities for talking about your family situation.
  10. Start early and be prepared to add information as your children get older. Children are well able for the truth, they often want the facts to help them understand and feel less vulnerable.

This article is part of our weekly ’10 Ways to’ series of parenting tips, and is by One Family’s Director of Children and Parenting Services, Geraldine Kelly. Coming up Next Week: 10 ways to Parent Through Stressful Times.

LIVE Facebook Q&A on this topic with Geraldine, 9 March from 11am-12pm on One Family’s Facebook pageJoin in and post your questions.

Next you might like to read: 10 ways to Support Grandparents Relationships With Your Child, 10 ways to Nurture Your Role As A Step Parent or 10 ways to Explain An Absent Parent.

Find out more about our parenting skills programmes and parent supports. For support and information on these or any related topics, call askonefamily on lo-call 1890 66 22 12 or email support@onefamily.ie.

Minister Supports One Family on Need for Court Welfare System

Min Frances FitzgeraldToday the Children and Family Relationships Bill moved to another stage in the Dáil as Minister Frances Fitzgerald brought it to the Select Oireachtas Committee on Justice, Defence and Equality for discussion and amendment.

Having put much time and effort into representing the needs of diverse families in this legislation, One Family attended the Committee today and was delighted to hear strong support for our ongoing call for a comprehensive court welfare system and Child Contact Centres. The Minister referenced the pilot Child Contact Centre services that One Family researched and then ran with Barnardos. She spoke about the extent of support work required with parents sometimes before contact with a child could begin.  She also discussed our policy submission on the Children and Family Relationships Bill and we look forward to engaging further to support the development of a world class court welfare system through the upcoming reform of the family law courts and the two year review of this Bill.

Read our Child Contact Centre Services Evaluation here.

Read our policy submission on the Children and Family Relationships Bill here.

Cuts to Carer’s Allowance for Lone Parents Reversed by Tánaiste – But what about working lone parents?

Press Release 

Cuts to Carer’s Allowance for Lone Parents Reversed by Tánaiste –

But what about working lone parents?

(Dublin, Wednesday 4 March 2015) One Family – Ireland’s organisation for people parenting alone, sharing parenting and separating – welcomes Tánaiste Joan Burton’s announcement yesterday regarding people in receipt of the One-Parent Family Payment (OFP) who are also eligible for the half-rate Carer’s Allowance. That they will not now lose their half-rate Carer’s Allowance as had been previously stipulated is progress. However, we warn that Government also needs to urgently rethink how OFP activation measures are impacting on over 30,000 lone parents this year, particularly those working lone parents who will be hardest hit.

Karen Kiernan, One Family CEO, responds: “While this necessary turnaround is welcomed, the Tánaiste also referred in the Dáil debate on the Social Welfare Bill yesterday to 10,000 lone parents who are currently in employment, saying that ‘the majority will have an immediate incentive to increase the number of hours worked each week to 19’ and, being then eligible to apply for Family Income Supplement (FIS) and the Back to Work Family Dividend (BTWFD), would ‘be financially better off than their current position’.”

Karen further responds: “Sadly this statement again demonstrates the separation between Government’s perspective and the lived reality of one-parent families in Ireland today. The reality for most people is that they cannot simply demand that their employers increase their hours of employment because the Tánaiste thinks it’s good policy. This also ignores the reality that a lone parent with one child currently in employment and earning €200 per week while receiving FIS will be financially worse off by up to €38.32 per week after losing their entitlement to the OFP in July.”

Stuart Duffin, One Family Director of Policy & Programmes, comments: “This news will be welcomed by parents who provide caring supports for an adult; those who had lost their Carer’s Allowance entitlement of €86 per week last year and the 800 people who were scheduled to this year. It is a lifeline for the most vulnerable families with children who also care for family members who are ill, elderly or have special needs. It should have been just about the last thing Ministers should have considered cutting in the first place.”

Stuart continues:  “This announcement by the Tánaiste may help the rest of Government to rethink how we deliver welfare reform which is crucial for people in acute need. We know that lone parents want to work and 53% are already in the labour market.  What we keep calling for is provision of affordable, accessible, quality childcare which remains the greatest barrier to those parenting on their own in returning to the workplace or education. There needs to be a joined up plan of delivery across all Departments.”

The Survey on Income and Living Conditions (SILC) 2013 results published on 21 January this year showed that those living in households with one adult and one or more children had the highest deprivation rate in 2013 at 63.2% and the highest consistent poverty rate at 23%. Reforms and activation should not force any lone parents who are in work to have to give up their jobs.

While the Department of Social Protection has committed to clearly communicating with all lone parents affected by the changes, we are also hearing from parents about gaps in knowledge in many local social welfare local offices where staff are not familiar with the impacts of the changes to the One-Parent Family Payment. This can lead to provision of inadequate or incorrect information to lone parents and causes unnecessary worry and stress for one-parent families.

Lone parents want to create the best possible outcomes for their children. With the right policies, the right time-frame, and the right level of political will, choices can be made to enable those thousands of one-parent families suffering deprivation to grow out of poverty and achieve better futures.

One Family continues to call on the Department of Social Protection to Get It Right for One-Parent Families #GetItRightDSP.

/Ends.

About One Family

One Family was founded in 1972 as Cherish and is Ireland’s leading organisation for one-parent families offering support, information and services to all members of all one-parent families, to those sharing parenting, to those experiencing an unplanned pregnancy and to professionals working with one-parent families. Children are at the centre of One Family’s work and the organisation helps all the adults in their lives, including mums, dads, grandparents, step-parents, new partners and other siblings, offering a holistic model of specialist family support services. These services include the lo-call askonefamily national helpline on 1890 66 22 12, counselling, and provision of training courses for parents and for professionals. One Family also promotes Family Day and presents the Family Day Festival every May, an annual celebration of the diversity of families in Ireland today (www.familyday.ie). For further information, visit www.onefamily.ie.

Available for Interview

Stuart Duffin, Director of Policy & Programmes | t: 01 662 9212 or 087 062 2023

Karen Kiernan, CEO | t: 01 662 9212 or 086 850 9191